How to deal with someone projecting onto you?

[SpiralOut]

I am wondering how to deal with this? I've had it happen enough times that I am getting tired of it. I think it is happening again. So far it seems pretty mild, but I still don't like it. How do you not let it get to you?

[Tressugar]

Establish and maintain healthy boundaries with people.

[M30USA]

Who is doing the projecting? Depending on their relationship to you, your response will be different. The hardest situation is when it's your spouse because you're forced to deal with it more than you ordinarily would. Generally the best approach is to distance yourself. Also you can't get a person to realize they are projecting. The reason they project is because of massively built up fear and a fragile ego which prevents them from seeing their own faults and instead places them on others.

[SpiralOut]

Who is doing the projecting? Depending on their relationship to you, your response will be different. The hardest situation is when it's your spouse because you're forced to deal with it more than you ordinarily would. Generally the best approach is to distance yourself. Also you can't get a person to realize they are projecting. The reason they project is because of massively built up fear and a fragile ego which prevents them from seeing their own faults and instead places them on others.

 

 

 

It is a coworker. She is professional enough that she doesn't do it at work. I didn't even know she had a problem with me until I attended an after-work pool night. It shocked me to find out that she dislikes me, to the point that she mouths off at me. I never did anything to her!

 

 

I can avoid her easily enough. I just find it hard to not take it personally when someone does that. Just last month a woman came up to me and yelled at me that I'm too skinny. She said this despite being the same size as me. WTF!! I am so tired of this!

[M30USA]

It is a coworker. She is professional enough that she doesn't do it at work. I didn't even know she had a problem with me until I attended an after-work pool night. It shocked me to find out that she dislikes me, to the point that she mouths off at me. I never did anything to her!

 

 

I can avoid her easily enough. I just find it hard to not take it personally when someone does that. Just last month a woman came up to me and yelled at me that I'm too skinny. She said this despite being the same size as me. WTF!! I am so tired of this!

 

The best approach is disengagement. These people have predetermined to not let you win or even play fair.

[SpiralOut]

Okay. So I need to try and feel okay with the idea of not "winning." I have a bad habit of trying too hard to make people listen to reason, even if it's obvious that they aren't listening or don't care. I don't know why I do that. It's very hard to stop. But doing that probably just encourages them to continue. I will make more effort to just walk away.

[M30USA]

Okay. So I need to try and feel okay with the idea of not "winning." I have a bad habit of trying too hard to make people listen to reason, even if it's obvious that they aren't listening or don't care. I don't know why I do that. It's very hard to stop. But doing that probably just encourages them to continue. I will make more effort to just walk away.

 

Pretend you're using a computer and, every time you press a certain key, a window pops up which says, "SCREW YOU!" You try your hardest to figure out what caused it, but the next time you press the button you get the same response of "SCREW YOU!" Now it's normal for you to try and make sense out of it for a few times. But eventually you should learn what's going to happen and, if you keep doing it expecting a different response, it's now your own fault.

Edited April 5, 2014 by M30USA

[SpiralOut]

Okay. Well sometimes saying nothing isn't an option. What sort of response might help to neutralize things, or make them realize they can't get anywhere with me? Maybe say something like "there is nothing wrong with me being skinny," or "so what if I'm serious? That's okay. You don't have to like it." or "I know you are bothered by that but I don't have a problem with it." or "if that bothers you so much just don't talk to me then."

[M30USA]

Okay. Well sometimes saying nothing isn't an option. What sort of response might help to neutralize things, or make them realize they can't get anywhere with me? Maybe say something like "there is nothing wrong with me being skinny," or "so what if I'm serious? That's okay. You don't have to like it." or "I know you are bothered by that but I don't have a problem with it." or "if that bothers you so much just don't talk to me then."

 

Whatever comment you make, it must be dismissive and impersonal. A few examples would be:

 

"Thanks for your opinion."

 

"Okay. Have a good day."

 

If you make even the slightest hint of defending yourself, they have actually succeeded in their projection.

 

In virtually every email from my ex-wife, there is some kind of accusation agsinst me. The only tried and true response is silence or a very brief comment like the ones above. If I defend myself, she just pours on the accusations even more. Kind of a sad situation but it is what it is.

Edited April 6, 2014 by M30USA

[tbf]

"I'll take it under advisement" with a bored look.

[M30USA]

"I'll take it under advisement" with a bored look.

 

Even cynicism and sarcasm rewards their projection.

[beach]

With a very neutral tone of voice:

 

"I didn't ask for your opinion"

[M30USA]

With a very neutral tone of voice:

 

"I didn't ask for your opinion"

 

That might work. As long as your tone is truly neutral.

[D-Lish]

I'd respond with a "Don't put your sh*$ on me".

[GemmaUK]

I would say 'thanks for your opinion' in a genuine tone and change the subject.

 

If they ask question and it's something you need to answer without appearing rude for ignoring them then 'Why is it that you are concerned?'

Once they say why then 'Oh, OK' will do.

 

It's not worth taking personally, I wouldn't waste energy on it, better to just put it down to them having a bad day.

[Taramere]

It is a coworker. She is professional enough that she doesn't do it at work. I didn't even know she had a problem with me until I attended an after-work pool night. It shocked me to find out that she dislikes me, to the point that she mouths off at me. I never did anything to her!

 

 

I can avoid her easily enough. I just find it hard to not take it personally when someone does that. Just last month a woman came up to me and yelled at me that I'm too skinny. She said this despite being the same size as me. WTF!! I am so tired of this!

 

What? Coming up to you and yelling that you're too skinny is abusive and totally unacceptable. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd react to that other than to make a "back off" gesture at them and say "get out of my face." It's not even a situation where you'd be addressing the content of what they said. When somebody's being that aggressive, I think it's a matter of really giving them that "back off and stay well away from me" message.

[SpiralOut]

What? Coming up to you and yelling that you're too skinny is abusive and totally unacceptable. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd react to that other than to make a "back off" gesture at them and say "get out of my face." It's not even a situation where you'd be addressing the content of what they said. When somebody's being that aggressive, I think it's a matter of really giving them that "back off and stay well away from me" message.

 

 

 

Oh that was a totally different person who did that. I was too shocked at the time to say anything. I'm still upset that I didn't tell her to f*ck off.

[tbf]

Even cynicism and sarcasm rewards their projection.

Depends on how you do it.

 

The other possibility is to say, particularly if it's a woman who doesn't perceive herself to be of similar size, "Better to be too skinny, than too fat", smirk and walk away. This puts a nasty subconscious worm into her mind.

[Taramere]

Oh that was a totally different person who did that. I was too shocked at the time to say anything. I'm still upset that I didn't tell her to f*ck off.

 

I bet you reacted in the way that was correct for the situation since instinct tends to kick in at those moments. If somebody comes up and yells something abusive at you then unless you want to end up fending off a physical attack, giving a minimal response or ignoring them is best. People like that are often just looking for an excuse to start a fight.

[M30USA]

The problem with abusiveness is that NOBODY ever perceives their own actions as abusive. In their minds, what you call abusive is justified in some way--correctly or incorrectly. What you find is that abusers are often fearful, weak people and they are doing what they believe is justified since they perceive you to be a threat. Obviously you are not a threat, but if a person believes the sky is pink, then it's pink to them. I mention all of this to show that there is no rational approach to dealing with such people. It has zero to do with you in the first place.

[Radu]

OP, are you female or male ?

 

Could you give examples of how she acts at the job, and how she acted at the party ?

[SpiralOut]

I bet you reacted in the way that was correct for the situation since instinct tends to kick in at those moments. If somebody comes up and yells something abusive at you then unless you want to end up fending off a physical attack, giving a minimal response or ignoring them is best. People like that are often just looking for an excuse to start a fight.

 

 

Yeah maybe I did do the right thing. I've watched her insult other people and they all just ignored her. She thinks she is "speaking her mind."

 

The problem with abusiveness is that NOBODY ever perceives their own actions as abusive. In their minds, what you call abusive is justified in some way--correctly or incorrectly. What you find is that abusers are often fearful, weak people and they are doing what they believe is justified since they perceive you to be a threat. Obviously you are not a threat, but if a person believes the sky is pink, then it's pink to them. I mention all of this to show that there is no rational approach to dealing with such people. It has zero to do with you in the first place.

 

 

 

Yeah all I could really think was "what a nasty woman" and "she must be really unhappy." I thought it was pathetic of her to pick on someone so much younger than herself.

 

OP, are you female or male ?

 

Could you give examples of how she acts at the job, and how she acted at the party ?

 

 

 

I'm female.

 

 

If you are talking about the girl who thinks I am "too serious" and mouths off at me . . . she is fine at work. I don't interact with her much. From what I can see, she is very quiet, hardly ever jokes or laughs. For example there is a jokester that most people are able to joke around and laugh with. This girl doesn't. She does her job well. Sometimes we help each other and she is polite. I've heard that she can be mouthy, but I haven't witnessed it at work.

 

 

At the party she was also quiet, but acted pretty normal until someone decided to start teasing her. That's when her attitude came out. She didn't say anything rude to me when there was a large group of us. She only did it in front of two other people, when we were in the car, and afterwards when the others left. She didn't want a large audience I guess.

Edited April 7, 2014 by SpiralOut

[beach]

With a very neutral tone of voice:

 

"I didn't ask for your opinion"

 

That might work. As long as your tone is truly neutral.

 

I've used it on my critical exH. Stopped him dead in his tracks. Worked like a charm!

 

Calm voice - smooth delivery. Amazing results!

[SpiralOut]

Something else I just remembered about this girl. Sometimes the stuff she says doesn't make any sense to me, so I'll say "what do you mean by that?" She goes quiet and won't answer me. Also, she has a reputation for being naïve.

Edited April 8, 2014 by SpiralOut

[almond]

I personally favor a much more direct approach to things like this.

 

I explain in no uncertain terms that I do not appreciate being spoken to in that particular way, and that I will not tolerate it. If they deny their behaviour or imply that I'm overreacting, I respond with "oh, so you don't even realise that you're doing it?" I put my best concerned face and pity voice on when I say this. I then perhaps go on to tell them that I am worried about them... "Are you okay? How are things at home? You didn't always used to throw mean comments around, and I'm sure you don't mean to offend people, so I was just wondering if things in your life are alright, or if something is wrong or is causing you to act this way? If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know."

 

Works like a charm. There's nothing like feeling, stupid, pitied and looked down upon to stop an aggressive person in their tracks.

 

Basically, don't put up with their sh*t. Don't allow yourself to be an easy target. Be calm and collected at all times, but direct. Do not let them see that they've rattled you. You deserve to be treated with respect, and if people don't appreciate this, then you have every right to enforce it.

Edited April 8, 2014 by almond