What do you think happened? Is it salvageable?

[misswhitlock]

I was close friends with a guy for a year and it felt things were moving forward. I slept with him and after this he started chasing me- but I was scared his intentions were just to have sex so I pulled away. One night, We went out to a club and I wanted to act like everything was normal so I went home with him and we had sex- it felt cheap and weird but I didnt want to say anything about how I felt about him. After this he was the one who started pulling away and started becoming distant- it felt like a phase out.

 

A month of distance and I cracked and asked him what was going on, he told me he had no idea, he didnt know how I felt either so I told him I pulled away because I didnt know where I stood and that I would like to see him more. A week had passed and it was still the same distance. I didnt want to be strung along so I told him I needed time apart from him. He said well he told me where he stands and he'd like to see me more it's just "it doesnt happen and it sucks." [We both have uni and work and we live 1hr away but its not that hard. to be fair I wasnt asking him out either.]

 

I had my time off (LC for a few days), and I thought I should make an effort in communicating better, showing interest and asking to hang out. But when I came back he told me he just wanted to be friends. "It felt different between us, and its been 2 months and we hadnt seen each other and he doesn't feel it was going to change and he felt responsible". He put it in the backburner because he didnt want to accept it and was trying to force it. He felt our friendship was moving forward, he really did but things change. I told him it could be that we both didnt know where each of us stoo he said it was complicated but it wasn't that. I told him I feared he was just after sex, and how his distance confirms that, he assured me those werent his intentions.

 

He wants to be friends because we were close before and he says to take all the time I need but I am not sure. I am in No Contact for 6 days and intend to be for a while: 2/3 months.

 

Your two cents:

I am asking what you think went on in his head. [input from guys especially would be great]. I am also asking if you think this is salvageable- as more than friends. We both wanted more at some point. I feel we went about it wrong this time around. I am wondering if it would be better the traditional way.

 

PS: I know I did a LOT of things wrong in this situation TRUST ME. I just need to know what you guys think what happened.

Edited April 5, 2014 by misswhitlock

[TaraMaiden]

In a nutshell:

Nobody can tell you what is going on in his head. Not even other blokes.

Not even him, by the sound of it, so how can you expect anyone else to gauge it...?

 

Secondly: Move on, and put it all down to experience.

Go No Contact and guard your actions in future.

Learn from this, and notch it up to that's what life is all about.

 

It's one great big learning curve.

 

Stop beating yourself up about the sex.

 

It's just sex.

[misswhitlock]

In a nutshell:

Nobody can tell you what is going on in his head. Not even other blokes.

Not even him, by the sound of it, so how can you expect anyone else to gauge it...?

 

I obviously know this I just wanted people's opinions on what they think happened, other people's insight and analysis into this matter to me because it gives me a better understanding, and even though I may not actually get the answers I want, this helps for me.

 

I do need to move on, I am obviously going No Contact, and I will put this as another experience in life, I know these things.

 

I'm new to LS, correct me if I'm wrong a lot of people post here wanting insight and analyses of what happened to their situation and I get that saying "Move on. No Contact" is what everyone is going to say, and what everyone SHOULD do-- I just want people to analyse the situation and give me a logical explanation. This is just my process of moving on. In 3 months time of course I'll look back at this and realise how desperate I was but right now I NEED to vent and i NEED to know other people's opinions. I already know I am going to move on, just help me do this.

 

I hope people can understand that.

[salparadise]

What happened is that both of you were playing games rather than being open and saying what you feel. Neither was willing to be the first to say "I care." If you want to turn it into something real you have to be willing to help the other person feel safe and appreciated. Distancing is the opposite of that... putting up walls. Being open does not get you a guarantee, but it creates possibility. Yes, it's probably salvageable.

 

What's going through his head... can't say for certain, but if it were me I'd be thinking... "does she have the capacity or is it a lost cause?"

[misswhitlock]

Salparadise your insight is much appreciated and it makes a lot of sense. You don't think he simply lost interest? Why do you think it is salvageable?

[salparadise]

Salparadise your insight is much appreciated and it makes a lot of sense. You don't think he simply lost interest? Why do you think it is salvageable?

 

Because it doesn't seem that either of you have burned your bridges. If he's lost interest then it is what it is, but if there was interest and attraction to begin with and he gave up because he didn't feel anything good flowing in his direction then perhaps the door is still open. Some guys just aren't inclined to chase if all they're feeling is the push away.

 

I'm one of them and it happened recently. Similar situation. We'd known each other for a number of months before I asked her out. After we went out she started the distancing thing which was very discouraging to me. I was persistent up to a point but decided I was seriously done because she wasn't giving me anything to feel optimistic about. I suggested that we just cancel a date that we had set up about a week prior. She seem surprised. After that, a couple more little tests that I responded to appropriately and we've been good. It was difficult for her to admit that she was really interested––she was hoping that I'd just pursue, pursue, pursue in such a way that she could pretend to be disinterested and enjoy the attention. Once we broke through we've been having a great time and communication has been direct and accurate.

 

So my recommendation is... don't jump into the sac too fast, and don't think that pretending to be disinterested is going to motivate him. Communicate openly and honestly. Sure, you have to take some risk but that's just the way it is. Distancing is sabotage.

[misswhitlock]

Because it doesn't seem that either of you have burned your bridges. If he's lost interest then it is what it is, but if there was interest and attraction to begin with and he gave up because he didn't feel anything good flowing in his direction then perhaps the door is still open. Some guys just aren't inclined to chase if all they're feeling is the push away.

 

Do you think the pushing away / distance is what he meant by the fact that "things felt different and that things weren't the same?" not loss of interest ? Of course you can't read his mind but just speculating?

 

After that, a couple more little tests that I responded to appropriately and we've been good. It was difficult for her to admit that she was really interested––she was hoping that I'd just pursue, pursue, pursue in such a way that she could pretend to be disinterested and enjoy the attention. Once we broke through we've been having a great time and communication has been direct and accurate.

 

A couple more little tests? What did she do? And what did she change or do that made you come back?