Broke NC, One Time Encounter, Now It's Truly Over: My Thoughts

[Lord of the Flies]

Last time I was here, I talked about how I broke the NC that I imposed back in December with the MM. To make a long story short, we met up a couple of weeks ago at a hotel in a neutral spot. We talked for a little bit in general and he asks how my family was and I said they are fine. I asked about his and for the first time he talks about his wife which, up until that point, he never made an effort to really talk about her in my presence. He told me how in their marriage how the sex was good, everything was honky dory, etc but that she just married a dog and that he was like that long before she met him. I then started to wonder to myself why would he even tell me this. He then said he got to the point where he wanted to quit running the streets and settle down (a tad bit contradictory I know). I knew what he was trying to do but it was something that I haven't experienced before in the entire time that I have been dealing with him. It was the most detailed that he has ever been on that topic. Then he asked me would I cheat on my husband if the sex wasn't good and I told him that I probably would and that's why I wouldn't want to get married. I was very open in how I stood about marriage which he tried to make it about him but I quickly shut that down by saying my thoughts never came from dealing with him but came from seeing how others in my life treated their marriages from family to friends, strangers, co-workers, etc. My mind was made up long before I even participated in this affair with him. Anyways, after the long, but weird talk we had about that, we did hook up and I went back home.

 

Over the past couple of weeks he kept telling me that he wanted to see me, blah, blah, blah. I said fine and just let him deal with that as I grew tired of trying to set something up. After three times of cancelling plans with a myriad of excuses, I finally drew that final line in the sand and called it quit. I told him that I hate my time being wasted and that before I started to get pissed off, then I would need to walk away from the situation and I did. I didn't hear back from him which meant that he finally got the message this time.

 

I realized over the past few weeks that this was long overdue to end and that the original NC should have stayed intact. It was a crazy and draining ride but I finally gained some sense to finally walk away for good especially after seeing the same pattern come up that led up to me breaking contact in the first place. I knew what my position was when I first began the affair but I wanted to push that in the background just to get through it. I knew I was an after though but chose to deal with the cancellations, being stood up, talked down to, etc just to be around someone who I loved who did not love me back.

 

I am just glad that I had to end it finally on my terms and in a polite way, no letting my anger getting the best of me, just calmly walk away and not looking back because I knew I said what I needed to say. I feel fine with it. I just need to, I don't know, seek advice on how to get over it, to be open and talk about my feelings about this. I appreciate this space to finally be free and openly talk about this without anxiety....I will continue to stay strong and not be tempted to go back again. I just really wished that if I knew then what I know now, it would not have happened.