The Baby is Here

[Rhema]

The baby is here. He’s almost a month old. My MM has been very involved and coming by to help out almost every day. However, I haven’t been adjusting well. The sleepless nights (he works overnight), no social life, and totally slacking on my appearance. My self-esteem has totally plummeted. And now I’m starting to question my relationship with my MM. We have been together for nearly 3 years. And to be honest, it had been pretty much smooth sailing (like I never wanted/needed foranything- emotionally, physically, financially). I’ve always been independent; have a career,and a social life. I’m divorced myself, so I have always understood him and been patient (even comfortable in the situation). I know that may sound crazy. But I’m being honest. I went thru something similar when I left my ex-husband. So, I just simply understood my MM and I was eventually okay with being patient.

 

But now with having this child; I don’t think I can do this. His wife knows. She’s called my phone a few times. At first I wasn’t sure who it was. She simply texted asking me “who is this”. She has never identified herself or what she wanted. In which, I don’t understand. It took him to confirm the telephone number for me to even know it was her (given that I do not answer calls from numbers that I don’t know). He was pissed with her; and told me that he was handling the situation. But here it is a month later and she called my phone again the other day. I haven’t asked him how is he “handling the situation”. For most of our relationship, I’ve kept my emotional stability by not asking too many questions (unless I had to). I don’t know what the hell is going on over there. And I really don’t want to talk to this lady, unless it’s something that we all agree to do together. From my understanding (from other ppl), she’skind of living a double life too. I’mnot in the position to judge, or try to figure out who’s worst, etc. I’ve been a BS myself. No matter who has done what, it does not make the situation okay. But I’m not going to talk to her without him being okay with it and in his presence. I know ppl on this forum are going to tell me to talk to her. She's calling me behind his back, never identifies herself, or leaves a msg, etc. My family told me not to talk to her without him and I agree.

 

I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. My family and friends are telling me to just concentrate on me and my child. That he’sa good father and that as long as he does for the baby, to not worry about it. All the way up to last week, I had convinced myself that even if he stayed with her; I would be okay with it. Although I love him with all my heart, I have my own life and responsibilities. But I gotta admit, that I have lost myself. I can clearly see that he loves this child; but I wonder does he resent this situation. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I need to start asking questions and put some pressure on him. I don’t know if I should just back away as much as I can (even though we have a child together). But that ****hurts like HELL to even think about it. I’m so in love with this man. Or should I be trying to get back to my old self. I go back to work soon. Maybe I should get my hair done, buy a few outfits, and even go on a date or two (just to get my esteem back). I've been a swollen pregnant woman for months and now stuck in the house with a newborn. My BF keeps reminding me that I am single and I have the right to have a life. Smh in my mind, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. Regardless of the situation, I have been totally committed to him. I’ve never been in love like this before. I wouldn’t even know where to begin by stepping back out there. But something has to give!

 

Please don’t think that I’m not considering my child. He’s a happy baby. And well taken care of by both of his parents and family. So it’s not that. It’s just his mom needs to get a hold of her emotional stability. I need to take back control of my life. I’m on the verge of depression. I’ve been crying for 3 days straight. Let the dust settle or move forward (although the thought of it hurts like HELL) and we have a child?

Edited April 5, 2014 by Rhema

[KathyM]

Well, first off, don't start dating people. You are in no condition to do that, and you need to be focusing on the baby instead. Second, you need to decide if this is the life you want, where you are sharing the man you love with a woman he's married to, dividing his time between two families, not there for you in the way you need and your baby needs him to be. It sounds like it's not working for you, and understandably so. Being a single mother of a newborn is a very tough position to be in, and in addition to the difficulties you have with that scenario, you are also emotionally drained from the dynamics of the affair itself. It is compromising your well being, your baby's well being, and not likely to change until you decide this is not good enough for you. Now is the time to tell your MM that you can't go on like this, sharing him with his wife, having his time and attention divided between you and her, and that he needs to take action to be with you as a full time partner and father. If he's not willing to leave his wife, then tell him you have to move on with your life and don't want to live in limbo like this anymore. Then cut off contact and start building a life without him, where his only contact with you is to pick up the baby for his parental visitation. As long as you are willing to put up with the status quo, he is not very motivated to change.

[PurpleCardigan]

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Please don’t think that I’m not considering my child. He’s a happy baby. And well taken care of by both of his parents and family. So it’s not that. It’s just his mom needs to get a hold of her emotional stability. I need to take back control of my life. I’m on the verge of depression. I’ve been crying for 3 days straight. Let the dust settle or move forward (although the thought of it hurts like HELL) and we have a child?

 

Please, please, please call your OB/GYN today and get a screening for post-partum depression (the "baby blues")....crying for three days straight is not good.

[Hope Shimmers]

Please, please, please call your OB/GYN today and get a screening for post-partum depression (the "baby blues")....crying for three days straight is not good.

 

I very much agree. Please do this.

[Patna]

You need to focus on taking care of yourself first, then you can have the strength to take care of your baby. It's wonderful you got good family support. Ask them to help you babysit the baby while you get some 'me' time. Take baby steps each day. Hugs!

[woinlove]

While I'm not one for waiting or living less than the life you really want right now…with a baby not quite a month old, I'd advise you first and foremost to go easy on yourself and eke out some time just for you, leaning on others to do this. I suggest you focus on nothing but taking care of your baby and yourself right now. In a couple months, you can then turn to the issue of what to do about MM, what role you want him to have in your life, and what you will do if he chooses not to take up that role. Pregnancy and birth is, among other things, a big hormonal upheaval and you need to take care of yourself.

 

Someone said you should see a doctor about crying and I think that is good advice. While some OW cry for days about things to do with MM and the A, it is difficult to know how much of your feelings are really stemming from MM and perhaps a re-evaluation of your life now that you have a baby and how much stems from the hormonal upheaval that can result in late pregnancy/birth. My advice would be to be honest with your doctor about all of it - he or she is there to care for you and he/she should have the experience and the knowledge of you to disentangle these and to help you.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[sunburned]

Good advice from the ladies above re being tested for postpartum depression. But also recognize that any new mother, even in the most ideal situation (happily married, financially comfortable, etc.), is "hormonal"/ emotional the first few months postpartum. Don't make any rash decisions on your future until you are feeling more yourself, say 6 months to a year.

 

Sorry, I am not clear. Does the BS know about you and the baby? Did she just find out? Try to consider her feelings at this time. This joyous occasion for you is probably completely devastating to her. I believe you have every right to expect him to be present if/when you speak to her, but answer her questions truthfully. Let him know you'll be doing just that.

 

I think even if Rhema wanted to, she couldn't go NC. It sounds like they'll be co-parenting for many more years. Doesn't he have some sort of "official" custody or visitation rights? Is he paying child support? Certainly, he should be.

 

Sorry this happy time is also a stressful one. I wish all parties the best possible outcome, especially your beautiful baby.

[blue963]

I really dont think it is post partum. It is hormonal yes! Having a baby is a big adjustment to the body and the emotions. When you have a baby your whole world changes and you have big relationship issues going on even though he is being supportive. Lean on your family, they can help you get thru this.

[bentleychic]

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Please, please, please call your OB/GYN today and get a screening for post-partum depression (the "baby blues")....crying for three days straight is not good.

I agree completely. (((Rhema)))

[Speakingofwhich]

((((((((((Rhema)))))))) take care of yourself!

[Rhema]

Someone said you should see a doctor about crying and I think that is good advice. While some OW cry for days about things to do with MM and the A, it is difficult to know how much of your feelings are really stemming from MM and perhaps a re-evaluation of your life now that you have a baby and how much stems from the hormonal upheaval that can result in late pregnancy/birth.

 

 

I had been wondering the same thing. I've been asking myself 'am I depressed about my relationship. Is the missing sleep and task of trying to learn and be a good mom. Or is it just my hormones'. I guess my doctor can help me sort things out. I'm just overwhelmed.

[Rhema]

Does the BS know about you and the baby? Did she just find out?

 

Doesn't he have some sort of "official" custody or visitation rights? Is he paying child support?

 

As far as I know, she knows about me and the baby. She has known for 2 months, I think. I was still pregnant at the time.

 

He does not have official custody, although its been discussed. I just want him to work out his situation, before I make any moves. I haven't put him on child support, because he's been financial supportive already.

[Forever Learning]

haven't put him on child support, because he's been financial supportive already.

 

I know of several guys that loaf around in these limbo type situations, and child support is ENTIRELY the reason (they don't want to pay it).

 

They give money here and there, but it's NEVER as much as the consistent monthly child support would be.....

 

So they play nicey-nice to both women, to keep the status quo situation, with their main concern being the prevention of child support orders being filed.

 

I get $650 a month in child support (should have been $725, and it can be reviewed and raised next year. I live in Texas. My ex-husband makes roughly $22 an hour, $44,000 a year plus overtime and bonuses above and beyond that)

 

File for child support ASAP.

 

Get boundaries for yourself in this situation - he needs to file for divorce or work on his marriage.

 

No more limbo.

 

Get counseling for yourself.

 

Get on anti-depressants if necessary (I love Prozac, it is awesome in my opinion. I take it and LOVE LOVE LOVE it, it totally changed my life for the better!).

 

You and most definitely your child deserve much more than LIMBO.

 

Limbo will make you insane in the long run. The limbo has to stop, it's maddening.

 

By the way, being single with kids is not so bad, I swear! I am raising two boys on my own and LOVING IT.

 

You CAN do it. Sometimes, people become addicted to the hopeful image of someone they think they love, and what they hope will become something special and wonderful in the future.

 

If he wants that too, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. Is he doing that? Doesn't sound like it.

 

But you do have to live in the here and now. This limbo stuff can drag on for years, and I think you know that, and that's whats bothering you. You don't want limbo anymore.

 

All the best to you and that PRECIOUS BABY!!!!

Edited April 6, 2014 by Forever Learning

[tornado]

Ask your mother to help you with the baby. Good luck.

[EasternStandard]

As far as I know, she knows about me and the baby. She has known for 2 months, I think. I was still pregnant at the time.

 

He does not have official custody, although its been discussed. I just want him to work out his situation, before I make any moves. I haven't put him on child support, because he's been financial supportive already.

 

How did his wife react to finding out he got you pregnant?

[Rhema]

How did his wife react to finding out he got you pregnant?

 

I don't know. I haven't spoken with her. I'm guessing she's pissed.

[Rhema]

 

By the way, being single with kids is not so bad, I swear! I am raising two boys on my own and LOVING IT.

 

 

It seems so hard. He's very supportive, but I know things would be so much better if he were here full-time....I know I have the option of child support. I get what your saying. I'm just going to hold off for now. Its just so much going on at once.

[Rhema]

I do see the common advice is that I need to talk with my doctor. I set up an appointment.

 

I just don't feel strong enough to make a decision about my relationship right now. Or to make any demands. I love him

[MissBee]

I second the seeing your doctor about post-partum, just in case that is part of it. But I don't think that is the only thing, I do think your relationship itself may be causing you distress.

 

I didn't quite understand some things from your post, so I hope you don't mind clarifying:

 

Is he getting a divorce and does his wife know, as in he told her, that you had his baby? I couldn't get a sense of if you meant she was suspicious about you and her husband or whether there has been a frank conversation between them. I do see a huge difference between a BS "knowing" in terms of being suspicious or even finding out by accident and her knowing in the sense that the MM has come clean and has been forthright about his intentions. The latter shows a man who is more serious about leaving and doing the right thing than the former. So which is it in your case?

 

Also...a big flag I see is your absolute fear of asking any questions or having any demands "because you love him"....I get it, but that's not healthy love...that's plain and simple FEAR! You fear that having demands will push him away, you fear asking questions will lead to answers you don't like, so you bury your head in the sand in some way to keep the status quo and keep him, as what you don't know is more comfortable than knowing. I get it...been there done that, but it's a mere illusion and all it does is lead to more anxiety. It's one thing to GENUINELY not ask questions because you really have no interest in the answers or to not have any demands because you don't...that's not your situation though, you do have question, concerns and demands but spend more time going over it in your mind and not speaking up and trying to be okay with things because it seems you fear he won't have any good answers for you. I get that you love him and are afraid, but you're doing yourself a disservice by being in a relationship where to get by you have to not ask questions or be as agreeable as possible for fear he will leave if you aren't.

 

Your baby and your own emotional health (which is important for you to be able to take care of him) are MORE important than your romantic relationship with MM. I agree with focusing on that. If a hair cut and some new clothes will help I am all for a little pampering. However, I would not be dating in your situation. You have a one month old baby, you are somewhat depressed and your baby's father is a married man with whom you're in love. If you were a single woman dating and a man told you this was the state of his life would you go out with him? Would you think he should be dating or sorting out his life?

 

My suggestion is to focus on your baby and being good to yourself, then plan to also be straightforward with MM about things between you and with his wife. That is: does his wife know about you and how will that affect your co-parenting and will you all go forward as a couple or simply co-parents?