Mixed messages?

[Save_me_SF]

I am new to this group. I am a MW who had a LD A over 2 years though there were very few times together once he (and family) moved to the opposite coast 1800 miles away. For about 2 years after the last time seeing each other, we kept in daily contact then last summer it slowed significantly (coincidentally when he started divorce proceedings). Contact has been intermittent -- mostly very brief updates of our lives and his updates about the divorce. My emails are brief and often supportive.

What I find confusing is his suggestion on two occasions that he meet me when I was traveling (tho he never followed through). He also continues to mention seeing a reminder we would mention to another when apart. I'm confused as I feel like these are mixed messages. I'm almost certain he had found another AP because the distance wasn't working for him.

What has bothered me the most is his response to my last email that informed him of my husband's serious medical situation. I did say that the setting made me think of him and I hoped all was well. (He deals with people in such situations.). It was a very stressful time and I guess I was looking for a little empathy. What (all) I got was "I'm in Florida with my girlfriend and having a great time". His divorce isn't final, and he never mentioned this in all our friendly updates. Btw--no doubt he was visiting his parents. He could have said anything else or nothing. What he said I found hurtful -- something a friend would never do. This was two weeks ago -I never answered nor has he. I'll admit I have responses playing in my head--some sugary sweet and some very unkind.

Does anyone have insight into these mixed messages? I'm guessing he was sending these while seeing someone if it's meet the parents time. Is it impossible to just be friends? I'm married and still have children at home so am not divorcing any time soon (which he has pointed out on numerous occasions).

[herself]

I suspect the girlfriend saw the post and asked about you and why he was getting texts from ither women. His response to you was for HER eyes.

Also hes moving pretty quickly from one woman to another huh?

Red flag, wife, you, a new gf? Your better off....

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't have the balls to really end it - You're back up in case his new gf doesn't work out. In the meantime he's gonna do what he's gonna do...

 

you're married and he's about to be free after his D, to do as he pleases.

 

What are you really getting out of this? It seems he isn't interested at all in your life right now (sorry about your husband, hope his health improves). You need to decide what happens next. Since your H isn't well and your MM has moved on without really telling you or totally ending it, take time to think about reconnecting with your H and putting effort into your marriage. let go of MM.

[Save_me_SF]

Thank you so much for the responses. First of all, I would like to say that he is in his mid-50s and I am almost 50. I don't really think that was for the benefit of whatever girlfriend is with him. He is a physician and has a limited and confidential email which is where I sent it to. Truly I was struggling with the fact that he had a girlfriend having not yet divorced the wife yet girlfriend was going to go meet the parents. He had shared previously how girlfriends and parents got along. I truly truly feel confused based on what I know. I really had hoped it was a friendship there.

More than two years ago, it was clear that this was not going anywhere. Yet, we continued to keep in touch almost every day. There are times that I think he might be upset (yet never said) that I am not divorcing my husband. That said, he stayed until his children went to college, and he cannot expect me not to.

As to balls, he really does lack them. I think that he has moved away from every girlfriend he has had. That was the easy break up. In fact, it took him a few months to figure out how to break up for his wife of 22 years.

Thank you so much for your thoughts regarding my husband. The particular condition and that I reached out to XOM regarding was an anomaly. However, my husband has a life limiting disease, for which he has had seven years after diagnosis. The xOM knows for this & beyond inquiring about health never discusses.

Truly, I think it would have gotten a better response from a random Facebook friend. The random stranger would have been more sympathetic then he would have been. I am just saddened that the friendship I thought would be there isn't.

[Save_me_SF]

That said, I am finding it hard to restrain myself from replying to his email. I realize that he takes things upon himself, plus we have the Jewish and Catholi guilt there, and he hates conflict. I have had limited with him for over 2 years. As for the exception being his continual mention of his wife when together, the guy had no clue

[Save_me_SF]

Should I reply???? We had. joked about him being unencumbered -- that is being able to some flowers etc. I wish the best for you and your unencumbered partner. OR. Is this truly response to a family crisis on my part? I have been so supportive on those on your part.

[whichwayisup]

Do not reply.

 

And just to add, since you are married and not divorcing he is actually free to date and do as he pleases as he isn't obligated to you. I mean that respectfully. He may feel like you have no right to be upset with his personal dating life since you are not really in a position to dictate who he can see/date.

 

He isn't worth it. And, him not showing any interest or care towards your husband (again, I mean this nicely) why should he? Yes he is a doctor but he sees you cheating on your H with him (albeit long distance) but he may feel you don't respect your husband, he doesn't either. it also could be his way of dealing with it, the less he knows of your martial home life the better off he is. It's his way of letting you know too that he isn't as invested in the A as you are.

[Lady2163]

I think you're longing for him to be a true friend as well as an affair and he is showing he isnt interested in that.

 

What are you getting out of this situation?

[Save_me_SF]

Thank you all for listening as well as the advice and perspective. I'm not going to reply.

 

I understand the moving on etc. on his part ... Yet he has never gone more than two weeks without hearing from me without writing to me saying -- thinking about you, how are the kids, how is your husband, here's what I'm doing, etc. if he's consistent, I may be back looking for fortitude soon. In the meantime, I'll keep reading posts here and admiring others' NC abilities

[eye of the storm]

Im not someone who is constantly advocating NC. However, this guy told you exactly what you mean to him, which is nothing. Block him.

 

When he needed support going thru his divorce you talked every day. I bet most conversations were about him. When you needed support you got "Having a great time with new GF".

 

You said he is sending mixed messages. They are only mixed because your emotions hear one thing and your head hears something else. From what you wrote, he is being very clear. Listen with your head. You already know.

 

Good luck.

[gettingstronger]

I agree, the message is crystal clear. Move on to someone that will put you first.

[Save_me_SF]

So....the XOM hasn't emailed for 20+ days -- some FB friend has! . She replied to his email and added me to the cc re: a photo. Scary thing is she must have gotten my email from XOM!! Disconcerting. Frightening. Not happy here. My BS doesn't know about A that ended almost 3 yrs ago. Not sure how to address this. I'm scared. Working on my marriage and on family. vacation in Europe. Thoughts?

[Save_me_SF]

So....the XOM hasn't emailed for 20+ days -- some FB friend has! . She replied to his email and added me to the cc re: a photo. Scary thing is she must have gotten my email from XOM!! Disconcerting. Frightening. Not happy here. My BS doesn't know about A that ended almost 3 yrs ago. Not sure how to address this. I'm scared. Working on my marriage and on family. vacation in Europe. Thoughts?

[jellybean89]

Leave it alone. Stop worrying about him, what he is doing, who he is with, etc.

 

Focus on your family and enjoy the vacation.

 

He isn't interested in a friendship with you. Why are you counting the days since he last emailed you? That shows you are way more into him than you are telling us.

 

Let it go. Let him go.

[Popsicle]

Does anyone have insight into these mixed messages?

 

Oh, this is easy. He is taking on the single AP personality (which is completely different than the MOW/M personality who can endure this limbo forever). Single OW/OM get really pissed off that you're married and want to continue in this cake eating limbo. It's especially frustrating for him since he had balls and divorced his wife. Yet, you still remain married. Does he have feelings for you still? Probably, yes, but why should he put up with that when he can have a single woman who is available to him? He really doesn't want to hear about how your sick and ailing husband makes you think about him. In fact, now that he's single, he really doesn't want to hear about your husband at all.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Popsicle

[Save_me_SF]

---I shared my story under "mixed messages" thread. A over 3 years ago. He's now divorcing and I'm staying married. Thought we were friends until last month he showed no interest in my life. Harsh but okay. Thank you to all who gave advice! I never responded and went NC. All was good until....

---I got cced on an email from a woman I don't know. It was her response to XOM!!! I don't know her!! We live 2000 miles apart. Only a few people have that email besides him and none know him! Now...

---I'm worried what he may have shared with her and what she might do with it. My husband does not know about the A. I don't want something from 3 years ago to hurt him and my children. I feel hurt and scared....

---I am not sure XOM noticed the cc on the email. It seems like lots of drama is going on as he has a GF and is finalizing his divorce.

---I feel like I should address this and tell him to be decent and respect my privacy. If he has to share with the GF -- former cheater now transparent -- no worries as I won't be communicating.

---I feel his actions are threatening my family. .

Thoughts?

[Patrice]

Sit tight .... he's messing with you. If you feel the need to address it, tell him you will get a restraining order - if he bothers you again.

[Darren Steez]

*cough* I think having an affair generally threatens a family...but I may be wrong on that

[jellybean89]

Patrice,

How exactly is cc'ing a person worthy of a restraining order??? "Judge, this guy I was having an affair with must have given my email address to his current GF/OW because she cc'ed me on an email. Can I please have you issue a restraining order on her to stop her from ever cc'ing me on an email again?" No judge in the world will sign off on a restraining order for being cc'ed in an email.

 

OP, unfortunately, you can't control what other people email and who they email. Consequence of having an affair? Maybe. I find it strange that this new GF/OW would cc you on an email -- what was the email about?

 

Should you be worried that your H will find out? Possibly. Maybe she has his email address too. You have been 'lucky' in that it seems your family (h and children) haven't had to deal with the fall out from you having an affair. Maybe she knows you didn't have any consequences and wants you to have them? No idea.

 

I don't know what you can do besides close the email account. I can't imagine emailing the new GF/OW and telling her you are not his OW anymore so stop cc'ing you on emails. Again, I would need to understand what the email was about to be able to offer any more advice.

 

His actions aren't threatening your family. YOUR actions threatened your family.

[jwi71]

---I shared my story under "mixed messages" thread. A over 3 years ago. He's now divorcing and I'm staying married. Thought we were friends until last month he showed no interest in my life. Harsh but okay. Thank you to all who gave advice! I never responded and went NC. All was good until....

---I got cced on an email from a woman I don't know. It was her response to XOM!!! I don't know her!! We live 2000 miles apart. Only a few people have that email besides him and none know him! Now...

---I'm worried what he may have shared with her and what she might do with it. My husband does not know about the A. I don't want something from 3 years ago to hurt him and my children. I feel hurt and scared....

---I am not sure XOM noticed the cc on the email. It seems like lots of drama is going on as he has a GF and is finalizing his divorce.

---I feel like I should address this and tell him to be decent and respect my privacy. If he has to share with the GF -- former cheater now transparent -- no worries as I won't be communicating.

---I feel his actions are threatening my family. .

Thoughts?

 

Does he or she have a way of contacting your family (H really) w/o you being aware? If there is no way for either of them to reach your H then your secret is more safe - but, understand, it will NEVER be perfectly safe. Discovery is always possible.

 

Can you account (reasonably) for all possible ways for this to get to him? Mail? e-mail? phone? his work? A friend who may blab?

 

Really, you have two paths: prevent the secret from being known or stripping the secret of its power. Both are hard for different reasons.

 

Which do you favor? Keeping it a secret or stripping the secret of its power (aka confession).

 

That's the only two paths you have...

[Save_me_SF]

Patrice,

How exactly is cc'ing a person worthy of a restraining order??? "Judge, this guy I was having an affair with must have given my email address to his current GF/OW because she cc'ed me on an email. Can I please have you issue a restraining order on her to stop her from ever cc'ing me on an email again?" No judge in the world will sign off on a restraining order for being cc'ed in an email.

 

OP, unfortunately, you can't control what other people email and who they email. Consequence of having an affair? Maybe. I find it strange that this new GF/OW would cc you on an email -- what was the email about?

 

Should you be worried that your H will find out? Possibly. Maybe she has his email address too. You have been 'lucky' in that it seems your family (h and children) haven't had to deal with the fall out from you having an affair. Maybe she knows you didn't have any consequences and wants you to have them? No idea.

 

I don't know what you can do besides close the email account. I can't imagine emailing the new GF/OW and telling her you are not his OW anymore so stop cc'ing you on emails. Again, I would need to understand what the email was about to be able to offer any more advice.

 

His actions aren't threatening your family. YOUR actions threatened your family.

Ah... The email was weird and seemed full of drama! He sent her a pic of him wearing a white under tee with ballpoint pen on it that read "mistress Melinda" and a second line I can't make out. He tried to send it to hotmail from work account and couldn't figure it out I guess so sent it from work email to who I'd guess is new GF. She replied and cced me -- did she tell you what letters to underline ******? -- my name is not Melinda or anything close. Perhaps she has the APs mixed up??? I'm assuming there were others since we ended 3 years ago but still emailed.

I don't want drama. Never caused it with him. Was always veerrrry careful for all involved to include refusing some things like going to his house in case his wife found out. (She asked and he got to say no. He wasn't found out -- he confessed thinking it was a desk breaker for her. It wasn't so he had to be the bad guy and still insist on divorce. Remember high school? Make him upset so he'll break up with you?)

[Save_me_SF]

Sit tight .... he's messing with you. If you feel the need to address it, tell him you will get a restraining order - if he bothers you again.

I just don't get the messing with part. I've not contacted him for almost a month and was looking forward to my family vacation to help let this "so called friendship" go as he wasn't acting like one. I expected nothing and planned to do nothing. I'm afraid he's picked an insecure bunny boiler type GF.

[Save_me_SF]

*cough* I think having an affair generally threatens a family...but I may be wrong on that

You are right. It can. Great care was taken for the short time it lasted. Care continued as we shared email. He had said he didn't want to hurt his wife. I felt the same. I know how devastating knowledge of an affair can be in kids. He told in the end to get his wife to divorce him. His kids were told by her. I'm guessing I wasn't the only partner! 3 years went by after we ended and he began divorce.

[Save_me_SF]

My spouse is rather easily contacted. A public figure of sorts....as was XOMM. Different world but similar risks. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around this -- I've done nothing but be a friend who listened for 3 years and all I asked wax for him yo do the same and a little empathy. I'm hurt, pissed and scared! Ugh.

[Popsicle]

My first thought was that he penned the email himself pretending to be this mysterious "woman".

 

The message would be that he doesn't want to be contacted anymore.