My wife cheated before we were married. I think I made a mistake.

[parkranger]

I can't decide what to do here. My wife of 3 months slept with her ex twice within a couple months before we got married and he came to me and told me about it, but I had already suspected it was the case because she went over there and came back wearing no panties, which he later showed me he had. When confronted, She claimed he stole the panties out of her purse, but why did she have them in her purse and not on like they were when I had left.

 

On top of the evidence already in front of me, I told her I was going to hang out with her ex and catch up. She was VERY against the idea which is obviously even more suspicious. I mean how many things can stack up against her before she'll admit it happened?

She has looked me directly in the eyes and swore that she did not sleep with him. I mean what are the damn odds that everything would just happen to look like she screwed him but she didn't? I'm thinkin not real great.

 

I don't know that it's related or indicative of her personality. But I catch her in lied ALL the time. Little stupid things that she just makes up that didn't even happen. She'll tell me this person said that and then I bring it up in conversation and they deny having said anything similar!

 

I never felt she was this way before we were married.. Is it really possible that this woman tricked me into believing she was someone else?!?

[lolablue17]

If she confesses, What will you do then? Do you have any clue or a plan?

[No Limit]

She's still lieing? Yeah, I too think you've made a mistake with that girl...

[d0nnivain]

If she hasn't cheated since you have been married & you want to save this relationship I think you need to talk to her.

 

Don't shout. Don't accuse or be nasty but lay out the facts.

 

Tell her the OM showed you the panties & that you believe they were together. Point out some of the other lies & give her a chance to change. Many times a leopard can't change it's spots but a little over 90 days ago you both promised to love, honor & cherish in good times and in BAD until death do you part. Make some effort to honor those vows if you can before you throw your marriage away.

[salparadise]

Oh man, lying in the face of overwhelming evidence? Cheating with the ex shortly before marrying you is one thing, not to minimize it in any way, but if there is no foundation of trust, and apparently no interest on her part... seems that you are presented with a gut-wrenchingly difficult decision here. One of these issues would be difficult enough, but the two together... tell us what you're thinking and feeling please.

[parkranger]

We also promised to be faithful and honest.. I've already confronted her,but she continues to deny it despot the evidence.. I mean, maybe we could work on things if she would actually admit to what she (most likely) did.. It's really ****ing with me emotionally.. I love this woman, but I want to choke her. Metaphorically of course.. I would never physically harm her. At the same time.. If she did admit it now, after making up elaborate stories to cover herself, looking me in the eyes and blatantly lying.. I don't know that I could get passed this.

[veggirl]

I'm sure there were red flags you ignored prior to marriage. Think back.

 

I would just tell her that I don't trust her and there is no foundation for marriage. Be honest that you are 100% second guessing the decision you made and you are not sure if you want to stay married.

 

Is she STILL in contact with the ex she cheated on you with???!!!

[aliveagain]

Is her ex trying to break you up? What does it matter if he took her panties out of her purse, if she was wearing them when she left to see him but didn't have them on when she came home and he tells you he has them that's a really, really big flag. What reason would she have to remove them at his place? Why are you or she even in contact with her ex? Do they have children together?

 

Tell her she has one chance to tell you the truth because you are having a hard time with all the evidence getting past this. Tell her your booking a polygraph test and if she fails you will start the process of annulling your marriage. Ask her if she has anything to tell you one more time, if she continues to deny and lie, call her bluff. If she can lie to your face she can cheat. Cut contact with her ex.

[Bryanp]

See a lawyer about an annulment

She constantly lies to you and cheats on you a couple of times after being married for only 3 months? Don't be an idiot. Cut your losses now.

Get tested for STD's

[Spectre]

Leave this woman, she cheated on you. It doesn't matter if it happened before you were married, I don't know why that would matter. Cheating is cheating. This woman doesn't love or respect you. Get away from her while you can.

 

Make some effort to honor those vows if you can before you throw your marriage away.

 

She already dishonored the vows..so why should he have to make effort to keep them? She cheated, she broke the vows. Even if they weren't married at the time, she still vowed not to cheat on him, unless they were in an open relationship. A marriage license doesn't hold some type of black magic that absolves you of all sins committed prior to obtaining it.

[d0nnivain]

She already dishonored the vows..so why should he have to make effort to keep them? She cheated, she broke the vows. Even if they weren't married at the time, she still vowed not to cheat on him, unless they were in an open relationship. A marriage license doesn't hold some type of black magic that absolves you of all sins committed prior to obtaining it.

 

I'm not saying she's blameless but she did cheat before they got married. She is probably lying now because she's scared the truth will ruin what's left of her marriage.

 

All I'm saying is that if the OP wants to save this marriage, he has to tell her that he's open to talking things through -- preferably with a counselor -- if she's willing to come clean & never do it again. She has to earn his trust back.

 

There are only 2 good choices here:

 

Get the marriage annulled

 

or

 

work together to fix it.

 

He can't fix it alone because he didn't break it. She also has to want to fix it.

 

Sitting there in limbo suffering in silence isn't the answer.

[sidney2718]

I agree with what others have said. I'd only point out that the former BF has every reason to lie about what happened. He may very well want her back and that means breaking up the marriage.

[veggirl]

There's nothing to fix if she won't 100% own up and fess up to what she did.

[soccerrprp]

This is so effed-up. The OP suspected that his wife had cheated on him and still married her. Of course she duped you! Or worse, you were in complete, naive denial knowing what you knew. What a mess!

[Spectre]

I'm not saying she's blameless but she did cheat before they got married. She is probably lying now because she's scared the truth will ruin what's left of her marriage.

 

All I'm saying is that if the OP wants to save this marriage, he has to tell her that he's open to talking things through -- preferably with a counselor -- if she's willing to come clean & never do it again. She has to earn his trust back.

 

There are only 2 good choices here:

 

Get the marriage annulled

 

or

 

work together to fix it.

 

He can't fix it alone because he didn't break it. She also has to want to fix it.

 

Sitting there in limbo suffering in silence isn't the answer.

 

My main problem is you put the word "before" in italics, as if that makes it any better. The only way her being unfaithful prior to marriage makes it better is if prior to marriage they had agreed to an open relationship. If not, then the fact this happened before they got married doesn't matter much. Why does this woman need to get married in order to stop cheating?

[parkranger]

I think I just need to move on with my life. I was in a 6 year relationship prior to this one in which a similar situation happened. I suspected her of cheating, brought it to her attention, and later found out it was true after she denied anything happened. We tried to work it out, which ended up just turning into two years of hell. I'm not going through this again. Can't. I think I'm just gonna take a nice long break from the relationship game. I feel like a moron for trusting these women just to find out I was being an idiot by doing so.

[lolablue17]

I think I just need to move on with my life. I was in a 6 year relationship prior to this one in which a similar situation happened. I suspected her of cheating, brought it to her attention, and later found out it was true after she denied anything happened. We tried to work it out, which ended up just turning into two years of hell. I'm not going through this again. Can't. I think I'm just gonna take a nice long break from the relationship game. I feel like a moron for trusting these women just to find out I was being an idiot by doing so.

 

So if you feel like that and you are ready to move on, this is your chance to find out the truth.

 

Pack you things and tell her that you break up with her. tell her it's the lies and deceptions you can't live with. that you gave her many chances to come clean and she chose to lie, so IT'S OVER! and then leave!!

 

Most chances you will get some truth about what realy happened.. Maybe it will be too late for her.

[DKT3]

So if you feel like that and you are ready to move on, this is your chance to find out the truth.

 

Pack you things and tell her that you break up with her. tell her it's the lies and deceptions you can't live with. that you gave her many chances to come clean and she chose to lie, so IT'S OVER! and then leave!!

 

Most chances you will get some truth about what realy happened.. Maybe it will be too late for her.

 

Blue is 100% correct. She either thinks she can manipulate her way through this and doesn't think you will actually do anything or she truely feels she made a bad choice and fears the truth will result in her losing you.

 

If you take away the fear or show her your a man of action you will reach the truth. Honestly you already know the truth, your simply looking for a reason to stay. By saying if she tells me we can work it out, is really hanging on.

 

Its tough, I've been there. Once my ex had the divorce papers she song like a bird. Telling me all I would allow her to tell. For me it was too little too late to save the marriage.

 

Be actions not word. Cheater respond to swift actions, it takes away their power leaving them only the truth as a way to get what they want.

 

There is that off chance that the ex isn't being honest, the way he told you scream that he wants you out of the way. Its a really slight chance being that he had her panties. Actions, actions, actions. No more words. Make your move and mean it.

[drifter777]

I think I just need to move on with my life. I was in a 6 year relationship prior to this one in which a similar situation happened. I suspected her of cheating, brought it to her attention, and later found out it was true after she denied anything happened. We tried to work it out, which ended up just turning into two years of hell. I'm not going through this again. Can't. I think I'm just gonna take a nice long break from the relationship game. I feel like a moron for trusting these women just to find out I was being an idiot by doing so.

Panties don't just fall off and then get stuffed in your purse. Twice. She screwed this guy and you know it.

 

You don't want to be part of this drama any longer - pack and leave today. Just tell her that her lying made everything worse and you wouldn't think of trying to get back with her after she cheated and kept it from you.

 

Married for 3 months is an easy one to end - maybe even annul since she married you on false pretenses - screwing her ex while you two were exclusive. However you do it, contact a lawyer and get it done.

[parkranger]

He showed me the panties. He had em alright. This was however later, but I do recognize the pair as hers. He's seeing other women and seems not to care what I do in the situation, and we were relatively good friends, even through her dating me after him. Gave us distinct permission or I wouldn't have even went there considering the bro code. He shouldn't have slept with her, but the first time it occurred her claims he didn't know we were together.. Who knows. At any rate. I'll be moving out Wednesday. I've liquidated all of our joint assets, which aren't much.. But I'll be splitting the money, getting all my things packed into the truck and on my way. I appreciate the help from everyone. At least it's only been 3 months, and hopefully I can indeed get it annulled.

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry about this. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to be married only to find out your wife is a skank.

 

I am very blunt, but it is just not that hard for many of us women to keep out legs shut and have a normal degree of self control.

 

It is even common of us to break up with a man if we reaaaaally feel strong urges to let another guy have sex with us.

 

It is really that simple, there are no grey areas.

You don't just VOW to spend the rest of your life with a person, only to, you know, somehow take your pants of and let a guy have sex with you...

 

You just don't .....

 

Women like HER do these things but there ARE still plenty of decent women out there who DO NOT have 'incidents" like this.

 

Not all women are like her, I am certainly not and neither are my friends, nor are many of the lovely women on here.... we love our partners to bits and would never cheat; if we felt the desire to and we were not entirely happy with our partners we would break up with them rather than MARRY them......

 

 

 

 

Take all the time you need to heal and recover, but please, DO NOT think all us women are bad.

 

 

 

I hope you do the right thing and are able to overcome it and find a nice girl whom deserves you and your loyalty.