After 3 months of NC, happy birthday text from ex.. ?

[Stronger14]

Hi all

 

A background of my story - I dated my ex for 2.5 years, long distance relationship, after being friends with her for a while before that. She's 24 and lives in my hometown, I'm 23 and currently finishing up college. Everything about the relationship seemed to be going well, we spent a lot of time together, interacted with our families, and overall had what appeared to be a good relationship.. Even talked about the future, moving in together, marriage, kids, etc.

 

3 months ago, she ended it. There weren't really any major issues leading up to it. Her reasoning was that she wasn't happy anymore, and that our relationship was unhealthy, and she wanted to "find herself", but it wasn't about anyone else. Very vague, and I walked away from the breakup having very little answers of why.

 

The past 3 months have been extremely hard for me. I've been on nc for 3 months, since the day we broke up. I haven't been on Facebook, and I've been hours away at school for most of the time. The only contact I've received was an email from her one month after the bu, a long email basically reiterating her reasons and saying that I was important to her and she cares about me, yet there was a lot she wanted to work on. She went on to ask how I was doing.. I replied back saying "we both know we can't be friends". And I haven't heard from her since.

 

The breakup has been rough for me. I went straight into no contact from the start, without any begging, pleading, etc. although it's been tough to refrain from that sometimes.. I've followed some of the advice on ls and other sites, I've been going to the gym, reconnecting with my friends, going out to the bars and talking to girls, and overall trying to keep busy.. I still have some moments where I'm weak and thinking about her, but I've done my best to keep them at a minimum..

 

In the past 3 months, I've really had a mix of emotion. I know I should be moving on and not thinking about her, yet a part of me still has hope. A few weeks ago, I found out through a mutual friend that she may have hooked up with other guys since the breakup, which kinda hurt a bit.. I myself have finally hooked up with other girls, which def made me feel better

 

Today, my birthday, I receive a text from her.

 

It says "I know you prob don't wanna hear from me but I wanted to wish you a very very happy happy 23rd birthday!! I hope you have a great day you deserve every minute of if .. Drink up and Live it up ❤️ "

 

I've yet to respond, simply because I'm not sure if I want to, and idk if I should say anything more than "thank you".. What do you guys think?

[Lifegoezon]

Don't reply. She dumped you. It's a breadcrumb.

[LadyM]

Either way is fine. Makes no difference which way you go. She wished you well and there is nothing wrong with texting a brief thank you. Listen to your own heart and mind.

[Stronger14]

Either way is fine. Makes no difference which way you go. She wished you well and there is nothing wrong with texting a brief thank you. Listen to your own heart and mind.

 

I know.. I guess since it's been so long without contact, I'm questioning why she sent it, even though it's just a simple happy birthday text.. Perhaps a part of me is hoping that responding will bring a new line of communication. My mind is telling me that breaking NC will just be a mistake and I'll get hurt again, while my heart is telling me that maybe it'll be good to respond and see what happens. Very conflicting..

[organizedchaos]

I know.. I guess since it's been so long without contact, I'm questioning why she sent it, even though it's just a simple happy birthday text.. Perhaps a part of me is hoping that responding will bring a new line of communication. My mind is telling me that breaking NC will just be a mistake and I'll get hurt again, while my heart is telling me that maybe it'll be good to respond and see what happens. Very conflicting..

 

A simple "thank you" is sufficient. There is no need to engage or respond any further if you want to save yourself some pain.

[LadyM]

That's the potential problem with a cordial response. After our "thank you," we then wait, wonder and hope that there will be another response from them and our minds race to the possibility that they want us back. But they don't want us back. They're only reaching out because they usually still like us and would like for us not to be angry with them. Eases their guilt feelings if we're friendly back to them. Their breadcrumbs are exclusively self-serving acts.

 

If you're really curious what will happen, respond to the birthday wishes. Maybe you need actually have the experience of what will happen next. But from what you've written, it sounds like you will experience sadness and a setback if she doesn't respond in the way you'd hope. Either way you go, this is affecting you, so again, it doesn't matter which way you go, but personally, I would respond with a thank you.

Edited April 6, 2014 by LadyM

[Stronger14]

So I decided to respond with "thanks hope all is well with you"..

 

I guess I am feeling exactly what Ladym suspected would happen: I'm now hoping to get a text back which could lead to further communication.. This sucks.. After 3 months I thought I was over her, and didn't want her back, and then now this.. I know the balls in her court, and it's up to her to contact me again, but I still feel crappy and hopeful that maybe we can start again. Guess that's just the consequences of breaking no contact - I will say that it was better to respond than going back and forth and thinking about responding for the next few days

[elseaacych]

So I decided to respond with "thanks hope all is well with you"..

 

I guess I am feeling exactly what Ladym suspected would happen: I'm now hoping to get a text back which could lead to further communication.. This sucks.. After 3 months I thought I was over her, and didn't want her back, and then now this.. I know the balls in her court, and it's up to her to contact me again, but I still feel crappy and hopeful that maybe we can start again. Guess that's just the consequences of breaking no contact - I will say that it was better to respond than going back and forth and thinking about responding for the next few days

 

The key to this is no expectations. If I were you I would just go in and delete the text now you've responded so it doesn't pop up in your phone next time you check your messages.

[Brutus]

elseaacych's idea is a good one.

 

Actually I have the opposite problem. She broke up with me one month ago and since one week i am in NC for the same reasons. In about 20 days she will take an important language test and I just wanted to wish her luck, as a sign that I am still caring about her and I am not being selfish. You guys think is a bad idea? I do not expect anything from it... or maybe I do? Ah, subconscious is such a tricky thing!

[Stronger14]

The key to this is no expectations. If I were you I would just go in and delete the text now you've responded so it doesn't pop up in your phone next time you check your messages.

 

I hear you, and that's exactly what I did.. I don't have any expectations that I will hear from her again, although I am hoping that I will.. I hate that I'm back to wanting her back. I feel as though receiving contact from her is causing me to rationalize contacting her again. But it's been over for fkin 3 months already

[TaraMaiden]

You should have blocked all possible ways of contact the moment you broke up.

Everything. Texts, emails, facebook, A-Z, the lot.

 

You can download apps that block texts, and get rid of her number and details.

That way, you really WILL be uncontactable....

 

see the guide in my signature/link....

[Trovador]

In which way is better to respond than going back and forth for weeks...than respond and going back and forth for weeks expecting (expecting eagerly I might add) an answer?

 

You deceived yourself, IMHO, in case of doubt go for the lesser evil, and you surely know which is... yes, not breaking NC...

 

I wish I was wrong but people shouldn't advice responding to breadcrumbs...

[Trovador]

It's sadly fun or funny sad that 10 users advice the creator of the topic NOT to break NC, but one single user says "go for it, tiger" and against all logic, instinct and wisdom the TC listens to the one advice going against the current, the experience and the proven methods of emotional safety...

 

That says much about humanity actually, but that is beyond the scope of this post... good luck to all!

[LadyM]

Trovador.......It really isn't necessary for you to be insulting to me or the OP.

 

Just because the majority has one opinion, it doesn't necessarily make it right.

 

Your post, indeed, says much about your personal humanity.

[Trovador]

As I always say, to break NC you don't need to log in, if you come to LS asking for advice 99% of posters will tell you don't do it, so why the surprise here? In simpler words, if you want to hear that is fine to send NC to hell and that your rs is really different and that by reaching out your ex will come back magically, don't post on a forum where the majority of people, by way of painful experiences know better...

 

It is irresponsible to suggest breaking NC to a fellow in a dangerous emotional state, IMHO...

 

And it's called consensus...

[bluegreen]

Don't reply. She dumped you. It's a breadcrumb.

 

And do us all proud and block her number to !!!

She wanted to find herself right where she ended up under someone's else's bed sheets just as you suspected and found out to.

 

Its summer you are young handsome and in college what else you need ?

 

 

 

Happy B Day : ))) and all the best HUGS

[rec88]

Same thing happened to me. If you're looking for some fuel to continue NC, here it is.

 

"I know you prob don't wanna hear from me but I wanted to wish you a very very happy happy 23rd birthday!!

 

She knows you don't want to hear from her but she doesn't care. Her wishing you a happy bday is more important to her than your feelings. That's how it comes off anyway. The fact that she doesn't get this is a good indicator that nothing good will come from having her in your life.

 

Happy bday

[Ms.Gia]

It's easy to fall for breadcrumbs. But remember, actions speak louder than words. It's easy to send a text, but does that mean she wants you back? Not necessarily. If she did she would be trying to see you in person or make another grand gesture. If people feel they made a mistake by ending a relationship, they will move mountains in order to get you back.

 

Protect your heart and find a better girl who won't leave you to go find herself. You deserve a girl who already knows herself and wants the same things you do.

[TaraMaiden]

Trovador.......It really isn't necessary for you to be insulting to me or the OP.

 

Just because the majority has one opinion, it doesn't necessarily make it right.

 

Your post, indeed, says much about your personal humanity.

That wasn't being insulting.

You haven't seen 'insulting' yet.

Stick around.,.. some folks can rip you a new one so effectively, they leave you reeling until a week on Tuesday....

 

And you'll actually find a whole lot more humanity and compassion on this board than many so-called religious-themed ones, take my word for it.

 

Compassion and humanity don't always come gift-wrapped in pretty paper with a fluffy pink bow.

 

Sometimes, they kick azz much more effectively when they're stripped bare to the waist in bare-knuckle boxing mode.

 

The OP - contrary to common advice (given constantly on this board, on a long-term basis) broke NC.

His ex- didn't - he did. He broke it by acknowledging and responding.

 

This is an all-too-common mistake.

We tried to advise him to not reply, and ignore that advice at his peril.

 

He ignored the advice.

The result was both predictable and sad.

 

Now?

Now he knows what to do.

 

There's a couple of lessons to be learnt here:

 

1) Never, ever, ever break No Contact until you KNOW you'd feel perfectly happy seeing your ex in the arms of another lover, in a passionate clinch and all you'd think is "Oh yeah... I need more tomatoes...."

 

2) Breaking NC will tell you precisely, painfully and realistically just how far over them you're NOT.

 

It's really not a pain worth tempting, or experiencing.

[LadyM]

It's a funny thing because one post I made advised him that he should not respond to her happy birthday text. But for some reason, I changed it to advising him that he should respond with a thank you. You can see I edited my post. I think I changed it to advising him to respond because I could tell that he really wanted to.

 

But after rereading his post and reading all the other posts on here, our exes really don't even deserve an acknowledgement from us.

 

Any response from us gives them some sense of satisfaction, and they so don't deserve that.

[Stronger14]

Thanks for all your responses to my original post.. Honestly, I didn't make the decision to respond to her bday text because of any one of your advices, rather from my own experiences and thinking, weighing the pros and cons.

 

But what did help me was your posts reminding me that just bc she sent me a text on my bday, it doesn't translate to her changing her mind, or her wanting me back. Sometimes, I need a kick in the butt to be reminded of reality. Yesterday was one of those times - Yes I was wrong for texting her back, however I'm glad that I didn't say more than I did. There was nothing said since I responded, and I am no longer hoping for or expecting anything more from her.

 

While today is a rough bump in the road after 3 months of nc, I know the best thing is to go back to nc and continue to move on.. I guess the whole situation showed me that while I'm making progress, I still have a long way to go to get over her..

[Trovador]

Thanks for this message, Stronger14... great, positive attitude...

[bluegreen]

That wasn't being insulting.

You haven't seen 'insulting' yet.

Stick around.,.. some folks can rip you a new one so effectively, they leave you reeling until a week on Tuesday....

 

And you'll actually find a whole lot more humanity and compassion on this board than many so-called religious-themed ones, take my word for it.

 

Compassion and humanity don't always come gift-wrapped in pretty paper with a fluffy pink bow.

 

Sometimes, they kick azz much more effectively when they're stripped bare to the waist in bare-knuckle boxing mode.

 

The OP - contrary to common advice (given constantly on this board, on a long-term basis) broke NC.

His ex- didn't - he did. He broke it by acknowledging and responding.

 

This is an all-too-common mistake.

We tried to advise him to not reply, and ignore that advice at his peril.

 

He ignored the advice.

The result was both predictable and sad.

 

Now?

Now he knows what to do.

 

There's a couple of lessons to be learnt here:

 

1) Never, ever, ever break No Contact until you KNOW you'd feel perfectly happy seeing your ex in the arms of another lover, in a passionate clinch and all you'd think is "Oh yeah... I need more tomatoes...."

 

2) Breaking NC will tell you precisely, painfully and realistically just how far over them you're NOT.

 

It's really not a pain worth tempting, or experiencing.

 

 

 

Did I say that I freaking love this lady : ))) she was one of my mentors here and still is one of the people I most respect ....

[TaraMaiden]

Did I say that I freaking love this lady : ))) she was one of my mentors here and still is one of the people I most respect ....

 

 

Aw, bless your heart, honey!!

 

That's real nice of you to say so!

[flight E]

We all luv u tara but mine is cos I noticed you joined 2009. No heart break can last that long but you have stayed on to help others. Says a lot about who you barky, Simon pheonix and a host of other good people are. You are actually doing sometime good cos heartbreaks are some of the worst things people experience in life