Help! Jealous for the first time!

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm separated and waiting on my divorce to be final. I started a relationship recently with a divorced guy. He is wonderful and our relationship is the best I've ever had. I trust him and believe he cares for me deeply but........

 

I've never been jealous, especially of my H. I guess because I didn't care. Now, I'm dealing with feelings of jealousy for the first time.

 

New guy divorced because his wife was having an affair for a year and a half before she left him. He's recovered and moved on and they have a good relationship because of their child. She's not the issue here. The issue is the woman he dated seriously before me.

 

He dated this girl before me for seven months but they have been broken up since March of last year. Since then he hasn't dated anyone seriously because he hasn't found the right person. This girl is a bit more attractive than me in my eyes although I would never tell him that. When they started dating she was dating someone else too. He wanted to date one on one but she never would commit to it UNTIL he started to see someone else too. Then she wanted to be exclusive. He got back together with her but it didn't last long. He didn't trust her because of a number of issues and rightly so.

 

She constantly borrowed money from him and I believe she used him for that reason. Apparently he loved her though and continued to give it to her. Now she owes him alot of money. She promised all along to pay it back but hadn't made an attempt to do so since last March. He has made two attempts to collect the money lately but to no avail- she always has a crisis and cannot pay! He was trying to be civil to her up to a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago after she found out about me she called him and asked him out. He told her no he was seeing someone. Then at a club one night on a RARE night that we were out she was there and she caused a scene. A big scene. I can't tell if she wants him back or if she just doesn't want anyone else to have him.

 

He e mailed her and told her not to contact him unless it was about when she was going to pay him. He says that he loves me and would never get back with her. The problem is is that my husband always told me thing and then his actions didn't match his words. I worry that he does still have feelings for her based on the fact that he put up with so much garbage from her and still continued to be civil with her until recently. It scares me that she may pursue him and that he may leave me for another chance with her. I know I'm being unrational because he's never given me any reason not to trust him but I've never been jealous before and don't know how to deal!

[emopunk]

Hmm... just because he put up with a lot of crap in the past doesn't necessarily mean that he would give her the time of day. There is no connection other than money, and even that is fleeting.

 

I dealt with the same thing as he did. Basically I was used because of money and status. You never see it till after though. I put up with a tremendous amoung of crap, and can still see the effect of the money loss... but I woudn't even consider acknowledging her much less getting back together. For me it, taking the financial loss as payment for not having deal with her was more than worth it. Fortunately, I'm in a position where I can handle that. Not all may be so fortunate.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the situation, but definitely talk to him about it. If it bothers you, it can damage the relationship if you don't work it out. Now is the perfect time.

[Mz. Pixie]

Thank you for responding!!!

 

Well at the time he lent her the money but it put him in a bind to do so. It was things like her electricity was going to be cut off (she had children) and her daycare was going to kick her out etc. Always a crisis. It was always on a loan basis though, never a gift and he has deposits, check etc to prove it.

 

It makes me furious because at the time he worked two jobs and he still does. He really cannot afford to just let the debt go- I mean it's THOUSANDS. I saw his old check registers in a drawer one day when I was looking for something. I know I shouldn't have looked but hey, I was curious. Looks like he gave her a minimum of 500 a month or more, sometimes 2-3 thousand a month. His parents are wealthy, but he's not spoiled, he's always worked, took out student loans for grad school etc. She even borrowed from his parents and hasn't paid it back.

 

I have talked with him about it everytime she has popped up. It's been thankfully a month since the last thing with her where she made such a fool of herself at the club. He says that he lost respect for her and that when that happens he cannot be with someone (there was some trust issues as I said before) He says that he loves me and that I treat him so much better than she ever did. I guess part of me thinks well look at what he put up with before, he must have really loved this girl and what if he thinks she is his soulmate, etc.

 

I think I'm just scared of getting hurt. I appreciate a guys perspective though. I don't understand these women who want a sugar daddy. I work and support my children. True, it's not easy but it would be hard for me to take money from my boyfriend, much less his parents. I am SOOOO not material, I never have been. I don't care much about having alot of money, I just want to be happy.

[emopunk]

Oh trust me... it was many thousands for me as well.

 

But I'm glad you see that money is not the key of a relationship. Money will not carry you through a rough time in love, but love WILL carry you through a rough time in finances.

 

I still say that Lennon was right... "All you need is love."

 

or Shakespeare..."Love comforteth like sunshine after rain."

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, I definitely see that. I think perhaps money has been a issue for him before in relationships and he's trying to guard himself from getting taken again.

 

At the beginning of December he flipped a VERY expensive jewelry catalog in my lap and said pick out something from there. I said, "Ummmm no. I would never pick myself something out of a book like that".

 

Two weeks later after we had had a bit of wine he said something to me about some of the items he has in his home. I'm clueless about furniture etc and what the best kind is, how much it costs. He then proceeded to tell me that his parents did have quite a bit of money and that they had given him alot of his really nice furniture for Christmas, birthdays, housewarmings etc.

 

When we started talking about perhaps spending our lives together I told him I'd much rather have a CZ ring than a diamond, because I'd rather spend that money on the actual honeymoon trip or something for our new home together. Now, don't get me wrong I'm a girl, I love stuff like that, but that's not what's important.

[emopunk]

Heh, you and my fiance' would get a long well. She basically said the same thing... rather have a beautiful, big wedding with great honeymoon than have a boulder on her finger.

 

Materialistic things are just that... things. They are a fleeting thought. A nice thought, but still a fleeting one. What I dont understand is how people honestly believe that money can buy happiness or redemption. How many friends of mine have said, oh I know I'll be happy when I have this type of life? I'm always thinking... if you can't be happy now, what makes you think you'll be happy then?

 

The movie "Fight Club" had some real wisdom in it... though it may have gone to far for the sake of entertainment. You are not your job, you are not your f'ing khakis, you are not how much you have in the bank... seems like people forget that we're something so much more than all of that.

 

But society teaches us differently.

 

Wow... what a tangent... sorry...