What happens when 3 yrs. after the fact, you find out about his cheating?

[sweetpea01]

My bf and I got together about 3 yrs. ago. Very early in our relationship, he had slept with another woman. This was in the first 3 weeks we met. We hadn't had the "exclusive" talk, but I HAD asked him if he was sleeping with others for health reasons, and he said no. So, when I found out a month or 2 after that, I was pissed. He said he got too drunk one night, was at a party, we weren't exclusive, and it was a huge mistake. He said after it happened, he realized it was crappy - and vowed to commit to me from that moment on. Okay, I ate it right up.

 

LAST NITE, I discover that he slept with multiple women, and way past the 2-3 week mark...when we were full on dating. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked him WHY he did it, and he says they all happened AROUND the same time (within weeks of each other), and that he didn't tell me in order to protect me. He thought confessing one was the same as confessing 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 zillion.

 

Well, now that I know - he looks like a whole different person to me. I took him back once b/c I believe ppl can make ONE mistake, but I didnt know he was out looking for a$$ every weekend. I feel sick by it.

 

This was all 3 yrs ago, and I just found out. I broke it off last night and I feel so empty inside. I want more than anything for him to give me a big hug right now, but I can't even stand the thought of seeing him at the same time, or his hands anywhere near me.

 

The last thing I remember is him begging me to forgive him, and his tears broke my heart, but I made him leave. He said he hasn't done anything like that in years, but what should I believe now?

 

Was there any legitimacy in what he did? Did he do it to protect me really, or to save his own a$$? I'm SOOO confused right now. It's SO outta nowhere....

 

Hurting,

Sweetpea

[Fritz]

Originally posted by sweetpea01

 

The last thing I remember is him begging me to forgive him, and his tears broke my heart, but I made him leave. He said he hasn't done anything like that in years, but what should I believe now?

 

Was there any legitimacy in what he did? Did he do it to protect me really, or to save his own a$$? I'm SOOO confused right now. It's SO outta nowhere....

 

Hurting,

Sweetpea

 

I don't know how one could believe him. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It hurts but I'd move on. I don't know how one could rebuild that kind of trust and you guys aren't married. You gave him a second chance and he blew it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, the years after he moved on and put his cheating behind him don't count? I can understand being hurt and angry over it. You have every right to be. But I'm not sure about retroactively dumping someone for something they did three years ago if its something they haven't done since. People change a lot in three years - I expect he grew past that person he was back then. Is it not worth it to address it, talk to each other about it, and then move on?

[sweetpea01]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

So, the years after he moved on and put his cheating behind him don't count? I can understand being hurt and angry over it. You have every right to be. But I'm not sure about retroactively dumping someone for something they did three years ago if its something they haven't done since. People change a lot in three years - I expect he grew past that person he was back then. Is it not worth it to address it, talk to each other about it, and then move on?

 

This was his argument exactly. He asked me if he could prove to me with certainty he had been faithful since that, would I take him back. If god could beam down and confirm it, yes I would. BUT, therein lies the problem - because the trust has disappeared, and why should I take his word for it.

 

When I found out about the one girl, I asked him to look me in the eye and swear to me it was once. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me. Didn't even flinch. If he can lie like that, than how can I believe one single word that comes out of his mouth?

 

All I see when I look at him is a manipulative liar.

[Cecelius]

You have good points -- I was thinking that he is definately getting the cheating line drawn against him, since your description was not clear as to when you two had affirmatively decided to be exclusive.

 

But then I decided that technicalities like that are not terribly helpful. There was a point at which he valued your feelings, you valued his, and you each had reason to know of the others' positions.

 

So, no, I don't think you can trust him again. The fact that he's a great liar just makes it more sensible that you dump him now.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by sweetpea01

When I found out about the one girl, I asked him to look me in the eye and swear to me it was once. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me. Didn't even flinch. If he can lie like that, than how can I believe one single word that comes out of his mouth?

 

I am dealing with a similar issue. He looked you straight in the eyes and lied- you can't trust a word he says. He knows if he admits to more cheating, he'll lose you for sure.

 

I'm not saying he did cheat more or not, but he certainly has the incentive to keep lying.

 

I'm sorry.

[JoL]

If he can look you in the eye and lie to you so damn easily- he will do it again.

He may not cheat, he may be the most faithful boyfriend on the planet, but how will you ever know?

 

My ex lied to me (not about cheating, something totally unrelated..) and i only found out after we broke up, in fact, only a few days ago. I felt sick to my stomach..i TRUSTED this guy and he looked me in the eye and lied to me time and time again..meanwhile he demanded 100% honesty and would RAGE ON AND ON AND ON like the psycho he is when he "felt" i was lying..when i wasnt!

 

Meanwhile the bastard was looking me in the eye and lying to me.

 

Dont trust him. He has lied to you for a long time now, in my honest opinion, once a big-fat liar, always a big-fat liar.