Husband wants divorce to be single - says he doesn't love me anymore like that.

[AMcKineth]

After pushing my husband for what was wrong and why he didn't want to improve our marriage earlier today he burst out crying. Saying "he didn't want to have this conversation because that meant our relationship was over."

 

Apparently he doesn't love me anymore and thinks that he might have never loved me at all - he just loved the idea of being in love.

 

I'm going to try and find us a marriage counselor this week, he's agreed to go even though he doesn't think it will help.

 

- - - - -

 

Long story -

 

I met my husband over 2 1/2 years ago and we've been married for about 14 months now. Up until 2 months ago we were both going to school full time (with some classes together) and working - spending most of our time together.

 

He didn't hang out with friends much and I flew 4000 miles to be with him so needless to say I didn't have many friends either, it was just us hanging out. Bills were very tight but we made it work.

 

Then his slot for military tech school came up and he begged me to come with his and have a "vacation" while he went to class. Since I didn't want to be apart from him for 4 months I accepted and we took a 3 week long road trip across the USA to see my parents and his daughter. We got terribly sick from a hotel on arrival and spent the next 2 weeks incredibly ill.

 

After a few weeks down here he started making friends in his classes and hanging out with them after class. I didn't mind, after all he'd never really had many friends that he saw regularly up north.

 

Then one week ago he starts working out with them 4 hours after class to get "in shape for me" and after being distant me all the time. During the first part of the week I found a book "His Needs, Her Needs" that I wanted to try with him to improve our marriage but I couldn't get him interested.

 

Earlier today I kept up asking him what was bothering him and why he didn't want to work on our relationship. After about 5 minutes he burst out crying and said that because if he did it would mean our relationship was over. And he wanted to wait til we were both in his home state to tell me that he wanted a divorce to make it "easier on me".

 

He said that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure if he ever was or if he just wanted the feeling of being in love. He said it's not our marriage that's bad, it's that overtime he found out that he wasn't right for me and being down here out with friends brought it to light. He said he just desires to be out alone with his friends and coming back to an empty place each night.

 

He said he's done everything over the last few months to try and be happy with me, but the just can't see a future with me in it anymore. He still cares for me, but he doesn't want to be married.

 

He said he's gone through the improvement phase and now just wanted to end it. He always internalizes everything and I asked how he thought he could hope to fix a marriage that has two people in it without letting me know and us doing it together. And he told me that it didn't matter now and he just wanted it over with.

 

When we first got together this was the man that cried at the airport when saying goodbye to me for the first time. I don't get what's happened between us - I know our marriage was rough before and we couldn't really afford to go out and do many fun things but I thought we were happy together.

 

He's agreed to try and read the book I wanted and go to marriage counseling with me, but he doesn't think that either will work. He just wants to be single. He also says the book won't do any good because he doesn't "want" anything from me and doesn't want to improve our marriage to be the best ever, he just wants out.

 

In two weeks we'll be heading back north since his classes are done with. At that point in time I need to decide if I should be trying to make a marriage work with someone who either doesn't want it to work or doesn't think it will.

 

If I leave I know it'll be over for good. It's embarrassing to stick around when all he wants to do is go out alone, but I keep thinking that when I leave it's over with and I'll never know what would have happened if I stayed for a bit longer.

 

All in all I'd welcome any advice, even though I'm feeling like it's already over. Our marriage has had our ups and downs, but honestly he seemed happy until this last week.

[Grumpybutfun]

He found an environment where he fits in and he has found out that he would rather be single and participate in that environment than be tied down. Sounds very much like immaturity and like he has found some girl in that group whom he is attracted to. The sad thing is that there is little you can do since he is the one wanting to go except take care of yourself emotionally, get into counseling to help you with the grief of breaking up and surround yourself with friends and family. He is an ass, but there really isn't anything you can do about that aspect of him as he is gung ho to destroy his marriage.

I am really sorry for you, as this is needless. One day he will figure out that he was an idiot, but until then, you need to move on with your life.

Good luck,

Grumps

[AMcKineth]

He's always done well at school and I know he half teaches the classes that he's taking. With him being "prior" I know he gets a lot of attention from the "non-priors" during class time and it probably feels new and exciting. He can't hang out with them outside of class though, supposedly.

 

However, I don't think it's another girl - and obviously he's denied it. There's never another girl in the group when I'm hanging out with him and his friends. And they never mention anyone else. I'm assuming he's just down here with friends, finally with the money to run around and have fun, and likes that feeling and wants it to continue.

 

When we get back north only one of them will still be around though, and he's married. Along with most of the rest of them. So I don't see him still having the illusion that he's hanging out with a bunch of single guys living it up. Unfortunately I'll be leaving shortly after that, so there's no time to see if he's going to change.

 

Anyways, thanks for the response Grumpybutfun. It's good to hear from someone.

[Speakingofwhich]

Sadly, I agree with Grumpy on this one. Your H is immature, it sounds as if and if he were to try to keep marriage with you together, with his mindset, you may be in for a long and bumpy road that may never smooth out due to his need for the single life not being satisfied.

 

I'm also with Grumpy in saying he will one day realize what a mistake he made. Even from your brief posts, you sound like a very classy lady. Wishing you the best and believe you will find it!

[AMcKineth]

Thanks Speakingofwhich, it's good to hear from people on the forums. Even though I'm not sure there's going to be a solution out there that keeps us together.

 

Ironically enough he's told me multiple times, not recently, that he does not enjoy being single. Which is just makes me wonder even more what is going on in his head. And how permanent this desire to be single is or if he's wound up with someone else, emotionally or more so, and he just won't admit it.

 

Husband aside, I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive family, especially immediate, that can help me through it. So there's looking on the bright side!

[Misadventure]

He found an environment where he fits in and he has found out that he would rather be single and participate in that environment than be tied down. Sounds very much like immaturity and like he has found some girl in that group whom he is attracted to. The sad thing is that there is little you can do since he is the one wanting to go except take care of yourself emotionally, get into counseling to help you with the grief of breaking up and surround yourself with friends and family. He is an ass, but there really isn't anything you can do about that aspect of him as he is gung ho to destroy his marriage.

I am really sorry for you, as this is needless. One day he will figure out that he was an idiot, but until then, you need to move on with your life.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Grumpy is completely right on this.

 

Parts of your story parallel mine... bottom line, he wants to be single and find some greener grass... You can beg and beg.. and try and try but the inevitable will happen because he just wants greener grass. Even if he won't get it, he thinks its all greener.

 

This is hard.. I know.. feel free to read my huge thread and you will see the good and bad and maybe will help you. But here is the thing.. you need to decide for you... are you wanting to torture yourself with begging and pleading with someone to be with you who doesn't want to be and ultimately does not deserve you? Or .. and this is the hard part.. are you brave enough to say "Hey.. this *****head is an a$$ who doesn't see how great I am and what he really has... I deserve better because I AM better."

 

I know its hard to see this at first.. your whole world is crumbling, everything you have known with him... but is he that person you fell for? Would that person you fell for hurt you like this in a million yrs.. or has he evolved into someone who can and will do this..regardless how it hurts you?

 

Cry..get mad... run over lawn furniture if it makes you feel better.. but go through what you need to in order to see he is not the only man in the world.. and maybe just maybe you deserve someone who loves you and would not do this.

[AMcKineth]

Grumpy is completely right on this.

 

Parts of your story parallel mine... bottom line, he wants to be single and find some greener grass... You can beg and beg.. and try and try but the inevitable will happen because he just wants greener grass. Even if he won't get it, he thinks its all greener.

 

This is hard.. I know.. feel free to read my huge thread and you will see the good and bad and maybe will help you. But here is the thing.. you need to decide for you... are you wanting to torture yourself with begging and pleading with someone to be with you who doesn't want to be and ultimately does not deserve you? Or .. and this is the hard part.. are you brave enough to say "Hey.. this *****head is an a$$ who doesn't see how great I am and what he really has... I deserve better because I AM better."

 

I know its hard to see this at first.. your whole world is crumbling, everything you have known with him... but is he that person you fell for? Would that person you fell for hurt you like this in a million yrs.. or has he evolved into someone who can and will do this..regardless how it hurts you?

 

Cry..get mad... run over lawn furniture if it makes you feel better.. but go through what you need to in order to see he is not the only man in the world.. and maybe just maybe you deserve someone who loves you and would not do this.

 

You're completely right, the man I originally fell for wouldn't have done this to me in a million years. When we first got together he said the original distance, since we lived to far away, just means that we'll be willing to work that much harder at our relationship.

 

I felt like he was my rock. I trusted him completely. And even if he changed his mind and wanted to work on our marriage, it would never been the same. I would always wonder what morning he's going to randomly wake up and not want to be with me.

 

It's been a few days and I feel like I've already covered miles of emotional ground. It feels like I've made progress, but I know I probably haven't. I don't know if I'm partially still in shock, but I can make it through the day by distracting myself with things I need to focus on. Nights and mornings are a different story though.

 

The motto of the week has been, "I'm going to go out and I'm going to have some semblance of fun, ******." Or it could also be fake it til you make it, happiness wise.

 

My adviser for online classes after learning of the divorce - he asked why I changed my mind and was rushing to fill out loan applications. Seemed surprised that I wasn't interested in taking a break since the situation seemed so devastating, but I need the distraction. I need to feel like even though life as I know it is ending that I'm still moving forward on my own and my future.

 

I'll definitely read your post and I'm sure it'll help. While I know I'm not in a good spot, I do know that it could be worse. From browsing the forums, I know this could be happening after 20 years. I've also learned valuable lessons about what I do not want in a man and it's good I'm finding that out this year, not in ten more.

 

So that's where I am right now. There's been enough crying for a lifetime but I've spared the lawn furniture, I don't want the resort to bill me.

[AMcKineth]

An update after the last 4 days.

 

After reading on forums and talking to my mom a lot the day after everything happened I have come to the realization that it's not just a horrible nightmare and it will never be the same ever again. So I've attempted to go from just wanting to hit rewind to moving forward by myself.

 

Overnight from that horrible day I've gone from asking him how it happened, what we could do to change, how to get back to how we were, or trying to come up with that one perfect idea that would make it all get better again. To realizing that at this point the only thing that I can do is to take care of myself.

 

I've distanced myself from him as much as possible while still being civil with him during conversations we need to have. And starting doing my own thing each evening for dinner and entertainment when he comes back with the car we're sharing down here and has his friends pick him up. As hard as it is I know just sitting around in our resort in a beach town will only make it worse so while I'm still here I may as well do something, anything to try and enjoy myself.

 

Which has led him to question me about my day and what I've been out doing, since I'm normally back after him, and seem kind of miffed that I appear to not care about him anymore or his day or want to be around him. If I'm out late because I went to dinner and decided to see a movie he texts me to see what I'm doing and if I'm alright. He seems to still want to treat me like he did before, but more as friends and that's totally not alright and probably never will be.

 

I was lucky enough to get a counseling appointment two days after everything happened. Going in I knew nothing was going to change but I thought being in there would help my understanding of the situation and how it changed so abruptly, but it didn't.

 

Things that he said over and over again to me the first day like "I just want to be single, I don't know why you can't understand that" or "I don't love you anymore like I should and I'm not sure if I ever did or if I was just in love with being in love" or "we can go to counseling but I won't change anything if they ask me to because I just want to be single" or "this is just how I am, I'm emotionally closed off and don't want to share my feelings and if you don't like it that's just another reason to not be together" he all denied saying them, at least the bold parts.

 

It's incredibly frustrating that he feels the need to lie in front of a woman that's there to help who he's never going to see again. Although it made me realize even more so that this is who he is now. Whether it be embarrassment over the things he said or how abruptly it came about, this is what he considers "ok" to do to me. And though I have a hard time seeing it right now, I know that I do deserve better.

 

Everyone who I've talked to has said the entire thing sounds completely bizarre. And while the counselor didn't go that far she said our case is very, very unusual and she from listening to him that he sounded confused and that his version of the story and reasons varied a lot. However, it helped, once again, to get the reinforcement that this isn't normal. She also said while he seems very calm and collected emotionally right now, she thinks eventually his emotions will explode and he'll need to get counseling then. However, I should continue seeing someone right now and I'm going to while I'm near a base and it's free.

 

While I don't expect to save our marriage and I realize that our marriage is over. The thing I wanted to get from counseling that still didn't happen is why it's over and how it got to that point, but I probably never will at this rate. The only reasons he gave were of him trying to work on our marriage by himself or things he asked me to change and he had no examples of what he ever specifically tried to do.

 

At this point the only people he's talked to about the divorce are his friends down here. And the big change I saw in him around me I know came after he talked to one of his friends originally about our relationship. To me it's weird that he doesn't want to talk to anyone in his family about us getting a divorce at all, but at this point there's no making him do anything.

 

In about three weeks we'll be back in his hometown and I'll have to go pack up and things I had stored at his parents. It'll be interesting if I'm the first one telling them after one month that he wants a divorce, especially if he doesn't come with me that day. Though it looks like that's becoming a real possibility.

 

We talked last night for a bit and he asked if I would agree to an uncontested divorce and I told him that as long as he does everything financially that he's promised I will sign the papers either way, but only after that's all done. He wanted to put any promises he couldn't fulfill by the time I'd left as just a stipulation in the divorce papers, but I told him I wanted everything completed and then and only then I would sign. Since it seems like he wants to move very fast on this, I figure I'll have more success with him keeping his promises this way, My other thought was having him draw up the papers stipulating what is to be / would be done and have him sign, but then not signing until he actually took those actions. Either way then I would have it in writing. I'll have to check state laws though to see if I can sign them after leaving, because I do not want to fly back and see him again after I'm gone. If anyone has any experience with any of this let me know.

 

It's surreal that in 4 days we'd gone from married to married and dividing up finances for a divorce, but at this point there isn't much to hang on to so I don't see the point of drawing it out further. Now I'm just attempting to make sure I get taken care of with what we should have at the beginning of May.

 

My entire family is very anxious that as soon as we get back north he'll change his mind and ask me to stay and work on it and that I'd agree. However, even though I see the marriage very emotionally at times I can see it very logically. I know if it was this easy for him to do to me I should get out now even if he changes his mind. Since he could just as easily do it 3, 5, 10, 20 years down the road again and I will have only invested more time into someone who's shown me they are not capable of working on a marriage long term.

 

Also, I've also always considered my family a decent judge of character and they now either hate him, desire to cause him bodily harm if he ever shows up on my doorstep, or both. In these first few crazy days they've been my support system to guide me through and go "no, he's an immature idiot and you're better then that, this may be a crazy and terrible situation but this isn't your fault, you shouldn't blame yourself or feel foolish for trusting him or that he wants to end it now, you'll find someone better who won't run off on a whim and is better then he ever was or will be." I can't fathom not having them around to help me through this and feel completely lucky that I do because I know that's not always the case.

 

Sorry for the novel. It's been a rough few days, but I feel like it's been a year emotionally. Thank you to everyone who has replied up til now. Even if it's short you've given me something to read and some outsider insight into what's happening.

[MsOptimist]

My divorce and my exH's "reasons" were very similar to yours. It came on suddenly for me and his behavior was downright bizarre. And he was emotionless in the beginning, which hurt that much more.

 

You are handling everything extremely well - great that you are seeing a counselor, that helped me tremendously to make sure I was dealing with things in a healthy way.

 

It's also good that you realize you can't fix anything yourself, and you're right that if he can do this now, he can do it again in 5 or 10 years even if he changes his mind.

 

I moved out in just under a month from when he dropped the bomb, and it was almost 4 months AFTER I moved and completely uprooted my life that he tried to come crawling back. Tried to take everything back that he said (the very same things that yours said to you - he wanted to be single, he never loved me, etc.). I had already grieved the loss of my marriage, and when I stated what it WOULD take for any kind of reconciliation to happen, he completely balked and spun back around again claiming he never wanted to save the marriage. I was seriously wondering if he was bi-polar.

 

Yes, he will explode emotionally at some point. Mine did. He also didn't want to tell his friends and family in the beginning due to the tremendous guilt and second thoughts he was having.

 

You will be better off without someone like this as a life partner. As hard as it was to go through, I am realizing that I indeed AM better off without him. I am 13 months post divorce finalization and 19 months post separation, in case you're wondering.

 

You may get answers and reasons later on (I did, never expected to), but assume that you will not. You know all that you need to know to see that this is not someone who is a good life partner for you. A true life partner would want to work through any issues you may have in the relationship.

 

Keep posting, it does help during such a difficult time.

[2sunny]

Believe him.

 

File for divorce and move forward.

 

No one should need to beg another person for their love.

[oldshirt]

There's something really fishy with all of this. If I understood correct you in a LDR before getting married?????

 

Perhaps neither of you really knew the other and both of you just filled in a lot of blanks on what you thought the other was.

 

He is definately immature and not stable. He may even have some kind of personality disorder or be some kind of actual nut. Heck for all we know he may even be one of those wacko double life people and he has a whole other life you don't even know about.

 

Regardless of what's going on, I do agree with you that you need to secure whatever money and resources you can then break free and getaway Scot-free as soon as possible and put him behind you asap.

 

He is unstable and nutty enough he is probably going to do a 180 in a short period of time an throw himself at your feet and cry and beg to stay together. Don't fall for it as it is just his craziness talking. And for God's sake don't get pregnant!!!!!

 

The thing you have going for you is you don't have any kids in the middle of all this craziness.

[AMcKineth]

There's something really fishy with all of this. If I understood correct you in a LDR before getting married?????

 

Perhaps neither of you really knew the other and both of you just filled in a lot of blanks on what you thought the other was.

 

He is definately immature and not stable. He may even have some kind of personality disorder or be some kind of actual nut. Heck for all we know he may even be one of those wacko double life people and he has a whole other life you don't even know about.

 

Regardless of what's going on, I do agree with you that you need to secure whatever money and resources you can then break free and getaway Scot-free as soon as possible and put him behind you asap.

 

He is unstable and nutty enough he is probably going to do a 180 in a short period of time an throw himself at your feet and cry and beg to stay together. Don't fall for it as it is just his craziness talking. And for God's sake don't get pregnant!!!!!

 

The thing you have going for you is you don't have any kids in the middle of all this craziness.

 

Yes, we were in a long distance relationship.

 

I flew out for a month because I was between jobs at that point to hang out and see his area since I'd never been there. It was supposed to be 2 weeks, then it turned into 3, then a whole month. We kind of started dating when I was out there, but I did have to leave at some point.

 

After I got back I started looking around for jobs and we were still talking. We knew it was going to be odd to make it work and we talked over who would move to who. Since he had a car payment and a house payment and lived in a larger city we figured it made more sense for me to move out near him. Fast forward 12 months of me being out there and he proposed, we got married a few months later.

 

During the time that I was out there we spent most of our time together because we liked doing all the same things. I knew we were a like going out there and it seemed like we were perfect together. I didn't have many friends since I'd just moved there. And he didn't have many non-military friends since he'd just ended active duty. We did fight, but everyone does and each time we made up and got through it.

 

The changes in him started happening not during our 2-3 week road trip but a few weeks after we arrived at his tech school. He had begged me to come with him to it.

 

I know now that he definitely is immature. We spent may too much time around each other for him to have a double life, I would have found out. At least, until we got down to his tech school.

 

Yes, I agree with breaking away scot-free.

 

I was going to push drawing up the divorce papers to the last thing on my list to do when we got back. Since I wanted him to take care of other things first. Now I'm seeing though that it should be first on our priority list in case he does do a 180 on me.

 

I'm planning on getting the divorce papers and having him sign them, but waiting to sign them myself. It seems like the biggest bargaining chip that I have for getting what I want even though the terms would be stated in the divorce papers is the divorce itself.

 

Yes, I'm incredibly happy that we did not have children together. Although, it's something that neither of us really wanted to begin with.

[AMcKineth]

My divorce and my exH's "reasons" were very similar to yours. It came on suddenly for me and his behavior was downright bizarre. And he was emotionless in the beginning, which hurt that much more.

 

You are handling everything extremely well - great that you are seeing a counselor, that helped me tremendously to make sure I was dealing with things in a healthy way.

 

It's also good that you realize you can't fix anything yourself, and you're right that if he can do this now, he can do it again in 5 or 10 years even if he changes his mind.

 

I moved out in just under a month from when he dropped the bomb, and it was almost 4 months AFTER I moved and completely uprooted my life that he tried to come crawling back. Tried to take everything back that he said (the very same things that yours said to you - he wanted to be single, he never loved me, etc.). I had already grieved the loss of my marriage, and when I stated what it WOULD take for any kind of reconciliation to happen, he completely balked and spun back around again claiming he never wanted to save the marriage. I was seriously wondering if he was bi-polar.

 

Yes, he will explode emotionally at some point. Mine did. He also didn't want to tell his friends and family in the beginning due to the tremendous guilt and second thoughts he was having.

 

You will be better off without someone like this as a life partner. As hard as it was to go through, I am realizing that I indeed AM better off without him. I am 13 months post divorce finalization and 19 months post separation, in case you're wondering.

 

You may get answers and reasons later on (I did, never expected to), but assume that you will not. You know all that you need to know to see that this is not someone who is a good life partner for you. A true life partner would want to work through any issues you may have in the relationship.

 

Keep posting, it does help during such a difficult time.

 

Thanks for posting. It helps to hear that I'm not alone going through such a weird, terrible situation. And that there is a better light at the end of the tunnel then I would have found in a long term marriage with him.

 

The only emotions I've seen from him were the first time he told me he wanted a divorce and started crying. We talked for about 40 minutes and then I got up to get a tissue since I was a mess. Then when I asked to talk again 1 minute later he was a completely different person. Since then he's basically been void of emotions down here around me or acts like we're "friends" and I should still tell him about my day without being asked. Even the counselor seemed surprised how nonchalant he was acting about the whole thing and said at some point he'll have to work though the emotions of what he's done.

 

However, I'm not foolish enough to think he was crying for me when breaking it off either. You can cry for a lot of reasons when telling someone it was over and I'm not going to assume it was all about me or us or the marriage.

 

Even though I'm fully aware he might never come crawling back, I would still like to learn what actually happened with him and then be able to blow him off. So at this point I wouldn't mind it happening, as long as it happens after he signs the divorce papers. However, I'm sure if he ever actually does this I'll be halfway on the road to recovering and at that point it'll just pissed me off that he has the nerve to pull something like that after randomly wanting a divorce.

 

The fact that he's not talking to his family about the whole thing makes the situation even more weird. My family, especially my mother, has said and I agree that if he's not wanting to tell anyone about it then he's ashamed of what he's doing because he knows it is wrong. The only people he's told about it are his one friend he talked to about our relationship before he got extremely distant and stopped wanting sex one week before he asked for the divorce. And then he had to tell the other three friends because I didn't want them in our resort or to go out with them so they kept asking what was wrong.

 

While he's known 2 of these guys though from the guard, he's never considered them "friends" before two months ago or hung out with them before. So I guess it feels like a judgement free zone. That and he literally had to tell them because they kept asking.

 

Anyways, I do know that he's not the one for me and I will find someone spectacular eventually. Sometimes it's easier to remember then others, like when I'm busy during the day it seems easy vs during the evening and I'm trying to sleep it seems very hard. During those times I try and wade through the emotions and look at the facts of what he's done and I realize that he is definitely not the one for me.

 

Yes, posting more does help a lot. Not only to hear the replies but just to type and get what's going on out in the world and off my chest. Thanks again for the post, to read something so vastly similar and know that you were more happy in the long run makes it easier for me to process the thought of the future without him.

[AMcKineth]

Believe him.

 

File for divorce and move forward.

 

No one should need to beg another person for their love.

 

Thanks for this 2sunny.

 

I posted on a few forums and on one of them I've been told numerous times that I should stick around for months and waste my time snooping into his life to find out if he's cheating on me. I realize it sounds like he could be, but I do not see why the emotional toll it would take on me would even be worth it to get what reward? Knowing that he's a more horrible person than I already realize?

 

I just need to cut him out of my life and move forward on my own.

[MsOptimist]

I definitely don't think you should waste time staying around and snooping. He's shown you his true colors, so the best thing you can do is look out for yourself and land on your feet.

 

You'll have lots of ups and down and times of feeling sad and/or angry. All of it is ok and recognize those feelings when they hit. Mornings were tough for me, waking up in my new place wondering how the heck I got to this place.

 

Keep busy and literally fake it til you make it. In the beginning I didn't whole heartedly believe that I would be better off without him. I was scared to be on my own and scared to be without him, but logically I knew that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want and love me. I would repeat to myself and to others that I would get through this and be better off in the long run. Eventually I started believing that more and more as time went on.

 

As the shock of it all wears off you'll likely begin seeing everything more clearly. Things that maybe were red flags and you ignored or rationalized to be something that is wasn't. Once the grief was lessening and I was truly accepting that I was getting divorced I began to see the relationship and marriage more clearly, and that reinforced even more that it wasn't a good relationship. So when he did come crawling back, yes I was strong enough to say NO to him because of that hindsight.

 

Something that my therapist had me do to help me realize where things went wrong and how we ended up divorced: write a letter detailing the relationship over the years. My exH actually did this as well. The one and only therapy session that he did attend, the therapist asked us to do this and give the letter to the other person. He actually followed through and it at the very least highlighted how very differently we perceived everything. Like we were looking at the same events through entirely different lenses. Never on the same page, and miscommunication just drove us further and further apart over time.

 

I think I'll always be sad that I had a marriage that ended in divorce, but I know without a doubt that it wasn't meant to be and that the divorce was for the best. It's extremely scary in the beginning, but know you'll be ok if you face it head on and face the emotions that come along with it.

[AMcKineth]

I definitely don't think you should waste time staying around and snooping. He's shown you his true colors, so the best thing you can do is look out for yourself and land on your feet.

 

You'll have lots of ups and down and times of feeling sad and/or angry. All of it is ok and recognize those feelings when they hit. Mornings were tough for me, waking up in my new place wondering how the heck I got to this place.

 

Keep busy and literally fake it til you make it. In the beginning I didn't whole heartedly believe that I would be better off without him. I was scared to be on my own and scared to be without him, but logically I knew that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want and love me. I would repeat to myself and to others that I would get through this and be better off in the long run. Eventually I started believing that more and more as time went on.

 

As the shock of it all wears off you'll likely begin seeing everything more clearly. Things that maybe were red flags and you ignored or rationalized to be something that is wasn't. Once the grief was lessening and I was truly accepting that I was getting divorced I began to see the relationship and marriage more clearly, and that reinforced even more that it wasn't a good relationship. So when he did come crawling back, yes I was strong enough to say NO to him because of that hindsight.

 

Something that my therapist had me do to help me realize where things went wrong and how we ended up divorced: write a letter detailing the relationship over the years. My exH actually did this as well. The one and only therapy session that he did attend, the therapist asked us to do this and give the letter to the other person. He actually followed through and it at the very least highlighted how very differently we perceived everything. Like we were looking at the same events through entirely different lenses. Never on the same page, and miscommunication just drove us further and further apart over time.

 

I think I'll always be sad that I had a marriage that ended in divorce, but I know without a doubt that it wasn't meant to be and that the divorce was for the best. It's extremely scary in the beginning, but know you'll be ok if you face it head on and face the emotions that come along with it.

 

Thanks for this MsOptimist. I've been tempted to check his facebook and new email account I just learned he created, but I'm sure I wouldn't want to know what I'd find.

 

At the beginning nights were rough, but now it's mainly mornings. I'm a night person and I always want to go back to bed for an hour in the morning but I'm finding out that's a terrible idea. Too much time to think.

 

I've done a lot of thinking about the marriage and while I was happy there were some definite things that I'm going to make sure I never have in a partner ever again.

 

Right now it's rough but I do have hope for a better future. I'm sure in 6 month I'll look back and see this is the best thing that could have happened. Maybe not down here while I'm stuck with him while he gets done with tech school and our car ride back north, but that it happened in general.

[AMcKineth]

Quick question about a 180. I'm on my 7th day of doing it, other then our hour in counseling together, and I feel pretty good about my progress and it does help me disconnect from him.

 

I haven't asked him anything about his day since the day he broke his news. However, he does ask about my day, especially if I'm out late, at least every other day. Until now I've been telling him what I was out doing. Should I continue this? Just give the bare minimum details? Not give any details and just that I was out having fun? I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong going out and entertaining myself, but I get the weird feeling that he likes keeps tabs on me.

 

For example. The first day after he asked for a divorce. I came back from being gone for 4 hours and he asked me what I was doing. I told him I went to fax something for the bank. Then went out to dinner. Then went to the beach.

 

Or. He asks why I'm out late and if I'm ok. I say yes, I was at the movies. Then he asks what movie. I tell him. Then he asks how I liked the movie. I tell him that. Etc.

 

Or if he comes to me asking if I want to see something hilarious. I say yes to be polite. Then he ends up whipping off his shirt to show me his sunburn.

 

Basically, I'm not asking him anything. But I'm not sure how much I should be giving him when he asks me questions. I want to be civil because there's another month til I leave and we do have a long car trip together, but I'm wondering if I'm giving him too much.

 

Thanks everyone!

[Misadventure]

AM, I am glad you didn't run over the lawn furniture heh. MsO has a great point that really has worked for me.. fake it till you make it.

 

In the beginning, I was all kinds of pathetic, I really was. I cried, I couldn't eat..I literally laid on the floor in tears realizing my life would never be the same as I knew it...and every hope I had for that "future" I planned with him is over. I read the 180's.. at first I did it in stages but really, you need to do it in order to go forward.. and then you just "go".. you fake it till you make it.. and one day not far after.. the pain just started subsiding..

 

The fog started to lift and I could see the sea again... the birds.. green grass.. and even smell the familiar aroma of dog poop which had been numb to me for a while.

 

Closure is something I have wanted to, the reasons as to why.. and while I am almost done with the legal mess.. I honestly don't care as much as to why anymore. I see him as a pebble blocking things in my future..

 

I have a second chance at a brilliant life... I already had one with family, friends, the other things in my life which I am passionate about. But I get to start again. I actually DO like that now.

 

He is not the only man for you. Can you start to imagine your journey of what it will or may be like with someone knew who entices you intellectually and passionately..while at the same time appreciating who you are?

 

Granted, not saying that will work out too BUT you have a journey of all these dishes in finding your way to your own banquet table that is meant solely for you.

 

I know I AM excited about that.

 

Yes... it sucks what the stbx's do to us...emotionally, financially and otherwise...But after a while you have to reclaim yourself... say EFF him... EFF his lame scapegoat reasons and excuses...My name is (insert your name here) and I effing deserve better... just watch me get it.. even if it's a process.

[Smilecharmer]

I am sorry for your pain. No one should have to beg for the love of their spouse. He doesn't sound as though he knows what he wants or doesn't want. At this point you need to really start taking care of you and preparing yourself for your future without him. Therapy is a great idea.

[AMcKineth]

AM, I am glad you didn't run over the lawn furniture heh. MsO has a great point that really has worked for me.. fake it till you make it.

 

In the beginning, I was all kinds of pathetic, I really was. I cried, I couldn't eat..I literally laid on the floor in tears realizing my life would never be the same as I knew it...and every hope I had for that "future" I planned with him is over. I read the 180's.. at first I did it in stages but really, you need to do it in order to go forward.. and then you just "go".. you fake it till you make it.. and one day not far after.. the pain just started subsiding..

 

The fog started to lift and I could see the sea again... the birds.. green grass.. and even smell the familiar aroma of dog poop which had been numb to me for a while.

 

Closure is something I have wanted to, the reasons as to why.. and while I am almost done with the legal mess.. I honestly don't care as much as to why anymore. I see him as a pebble blocking things in my future..

 

I have a second chance at a brilliant life... I already had one with family, friends, the other things in my life which I am passionate about. But I get to start again. I actually DO like that now.

 

He is not the only man for you. Can you start to imagine your journey of what it will or may be like with someone knew who entices you intellectually and passionately..while at the same time appreciating who you are?

 

Granted, not saying that will work out too BUT you have a journey of all these dishes in finding your way to your own banquet table that is meant solely for you.

 

I know I AM excited about that.

 

Yes... it sucks what the stbx's do to us...emotionally, financially and otherwise...But after a while you have to reclaim yourself... say EFF him... EFF his lame scapegoat reasons and excuses...My name is (insert your name here) and I effing deserve better... just watch me get it.. even if it's a process.

 

Exactly. The first few days I was definitely faking it, I probably still am. However, I feel like I've starting making it.

 

In the timeline of the next few weeks til I leave I've started thinking about everything that I need to take care of until....I leave and move on. Til I get to give my new college a real go, enjoy the summer weather in my home state, take that joint family vacation I've missed out in years, earn actual money that I can treat myself to something nice with instead of just helping him pay off his stupid debts.

 

I find I worry less lately. The first week I was a bottle of worries and looking back I was before that too. And yes in the next few weeks I have to worry about figuring out how to handle that 40 hour drive, packing, financials, legal paperwork, him signing off on our divorce, and the flight back.

 

But then....then. I leave and I never have to come back. And that's the great part, I no longer have his worries. He's just not part of my life anymore.

 

I don't have to worry about what his ex-wife or daughter is doing or how it effects "us"....it's just me now. I don't have to worry about him foreclosing on a house he bought during his previous marriage and how that would effect getting another house in a few years or an apartment now or any type of loan. Or how to plan around his crazy military schedule and his income. Or the massive amount of debt he brought into the relationship.

 

I don't think I ever really knew how worried I was and how stressed the relationship had made me until now. And with everything he's done to me, I do deserve better and I am on my way to getting it.

[AMcKineth]

I am sorry for your pain. No one should have to beg for the love of their spouse. He doesn't sound as though he knows what he wants or doesn't want. At this point you need to really start taking care of you and preparing yourself for your future without him. Therapy is a great idea.

 

Thank you.

 

I've come to realize, from hearing it from so many people, that he really doesn't know himself or what he wants. And if he ever figures it out and it does include me it's already too late.

 

I went to therapy this week and it was very helpful. The advice I got emotionally was all very much things I've heard from other people, but it was good hearing it again. He was also able to give some sound legal advice for the divorce.

[AMcKineth]

An update on the last few days.

 

I'm now entering the pissed phase. From the way my STBXH has started wording his comments about not knowing how to talk to women at bars or other events I know that he's already on the lookout for someone new or some casual encounter. He's also started responding to people's posts on the reddit personals that are looking to meet up, have a three-some, or swinging.

 

Last Thursday I got asked out to dinner after going to the movies alone. I declined though, it was pretty late and I'm not ready for that type of thing yet. The next day he asked me what I did so I told him the movies and I got asked to dinner but didn't go. I didn't even mention it was a guy.

 

Now he's been asking me how many dates I've been out on because I go out and do something every evening to get away, mainly movies and dinner. I've been doing everything alone and I just keep telling him no dates. And he keeps commenting on "Oh, how it's so easy for women to get asked out compared to men." Does he really think I'm going to have sympathy for him not knowing how to pickup other women? I guess the group he was hanging out with last weekend he found out one girl there thought he was cute, but she made out with someone else all evening - real winner there.

 

At first I thought he was asking because thinking I was doing fine made him feel better. Now I think he feels like it's some sort of contest though or if I'm getting asked out he better put himself out there.

 

I'm not sure if this is his response to me being asked out or if it was just going to develop anyways. It seems quite fast, but it just goes to show what type of person he is I suppose if he's been doing this 6 days after he told me he wanted a divorce. It makes me feel bad that I even mentioned I got asked out for dinner, but hey he asked and it's not like I actually did it. I can't control what other people do when I go out to the movies and if he didn't really want to know he shouldn't have asked. I ask him nothing and I get to hear about it anyways at odd times.

 

I tried not giving him general information about what I was doing in the evenings. And yes, he raged. However, since we're going to be driving 40 hours together next week and I want things to stay civil between us I've just decided to tell him what I'm doing "generally". Yes, I realize I shouldn't have to but I'd rather maintain some semblance of civility between us until the papers and signed and I leave.

 

Besides all that it just feels like he's finding reasons to knit pick at me over stupid issues. Why I didn't immediately return his text, I told him I didn't get it because my phone was on silent. Then ensued an argument over "I was out using his car and I didn't even respond in case he was having an emergency." He didn't actually have an emergency and he didn't actually need anything. He just wanted to complain because he thought I was ignoring him. Which he wanted an apology for and for not filling up the tank in the car we'd both been using all week.

 

I've cut off a few arguments that were gearing up this week with the words "I don't want to argue right now" because I'm starting to realize that I just don't care anymore about the marriage. I know it can't be saved and I don't want it to be anymore. Especially after realizing that he was trying to meet other people. Yes it cuts, but after that the only thing that remains is a growing hatred, numbness, and indifference.

 

Other then that.

 

I went to my first individual counseling. He focused on helping me financially and emotionally. While we did talk about my STBXH some the main point was on me and what I wanted, which is to move on. Topics were figuring out what I wanted now or in the future, knowing myself, focusing on happiness, not blaming myself for the divorce, and realizing that I could probably save the marriage if I changed everything about myself - but I shouldn't want to because I wouldn't be happy anyways.

 

He also prepared me for the possibility that in the next few weeks my STBXH was going to ask for me to take him back before I left and what my response would be that way I was prepared for it.

 

I've talked to a lawyer and I'll be ordering divorce paperwork this week. I've been keeping track of financial and insurance stipulations I'd like included when everything is drawn up. I already have the money from him to pay for the whole thing so that's good.

 

Things are coming together slowly.

 

And he's beginning to tell a few more people. Either because he needs to find out what lawyer he used, like from his ex-wife, or friends have text both of us and he tells them. Although, I still don't think he's talked to his family. Any friends we've had together, even those closer to him who he told about the divorce, tell me that they can't understand what he's doing or why and it seems like he just had a crazy feeling and ran with it. I haven't bothered telling him the trending opinion on his actions.

 

Overall I'm doing decent, looking forward to having everything finished and my flight back my hometown. I'm also coming up with a mental list of things I never want in a guy ever again.

[Yarrow]

I remember being at your stage. Only I was pregnant when he decided to take off.

 

All I can say is to stay the course. Your counselor is right. When reality hits and his friends and family start saying, "What the hell are you doing?", he might chicken out and try to get you to take him back. My guess is that he's been all sorts of hurtful to you and said some really kooky things to you that all boil down to him not loving you anymore. Remember those things! That is his true face. No matter how he tries to guilt you into giving him another chance and how he's thought it through and going to change, he can't take back all the horrible things he's said. If you take him back, he'll do this to you all over again, maybe 2 affairs and 3 kids later. Don't go there. You can have a better life than that.

[AMcKineth]

I remember being at your stage. Only I was pregnant when he decided to take off.

 

All I can say is to stay the course. Your counselor is right. When reality hits and his friends and family start saying, "What the hell are you doing?", he might chicken out and try to get you to take him back. My guess is that he's been all sorts of hurtful to you and said some really kooky things to you that all boil down to him not loving you anymore. Remember those things! That is his true face. No matter how he tries to guilt you into giving him another chance and how he's thought it through and going to change, he can't take back all the horrible things he's said. If you take him back, he'll do this to you all over again, maybe 2 affairs and 3 kids later. Don't go there. You can have a better life than that.

 

Sorry to hear this happened to you too. I guess I should count my blessings that we don't share any children together.

 

I felt like I've learned more about his true self these last two weeks then I have during the last two years. I won't forget and I won't take him back if he tries to make amends suddenly. You're right, I'm starting to carve out my plans for the future and it'll be rough but I am better off without him.

[AMcKineth]

Another update.

 

A few days ago I discussed the divorce stipulations with my STBXH. Honestly, I'm not asking for anything outrageous but he knit picked through it.

 

Then we came to the whole conversation of why things needed to be listed on the divorce papers at all. I heard many excuses about why I shouldn't have to list them including: then it wasn't a "gift" if it was listed on the papers, then it made him feel like he had to do it or do it within a certain period of time if he couldn't afford to, then he said that he didn't want to do it at all if I didn't "trust" him to do it.

 

Anyways, after he agreed to what was listed then he for my rings back - that was a no. Then he tried asking me what I was going to give him even though he said I had nothing he wanted. I told him I was giving him the divorce he wanted. Apparently, agreeing to get a divorce, an uncontested one at that, in a county where we don't have to both appear in court or go through marriage counseling together to get it all processed - is not enough for him.

 

The only reason I even agreed to work with him in an uncontested divorce was because he wanted to help me move forward and most of the stipulations were his idea.

 

After everything was done he warned me that in the future I shouldn't expect people "to do this much for someone else". Like he's doing me some huge massive favor by agreeing that he'll sign the papers listing what he said he would do all along.

 

Moving on from that conversation.

 

The next day I ask him when he'll be back from his weekend out of town trip with the guys. Basically, I wanted to know if he'd be spending the night. I like planing my days around when he'll be in the resort that way I can do something else. When he was not getting the concept I just said it's good for both of us to have our space at this time.

 

Then he asks if I don't want to hang out with him why am I driving back with him at all and why I don't just leave immediately to go back to my hometown. So I remind of the long list of things that I need to do back up there. So he storms away swearing and after giving him a few minutes I tell him I want to keep the remainder of our time together civil and ask him again if he'll be back or he's staying the night out of town. He finally informs me that he's not spending the night in between swearing at me and telling me to leave him the hell alone. So I do.

 

Fast forward 20 minutes, I've left to get boxes for packing and get a message from him asking "If I'm trying to bring a guy back to the resort? Is that why I want to be out during the day so badly?" I just reply "No."

 

The man who said it didn't bother him to think about me with other guys is now freaking out thinking that I'm off trolling for men to lure back to our place when he's not here. And that's why I'm always out and wanted to know when he'll be back from out of town with the guys. And all this less then 2 weeks since he asked for the divorce.

 

I feel as if I'm dealing with a child. It's like he only wanted a divorce when he thought he'd have fun out picking up women with his friends. Or when he thought I would be pining away after him and crying in my room all day long. And now the reality is rather different then what he expected.

 

I knew this would happen eventually but anything that I need to go over with him, even the smallest question, he just turns into a huge dramatic event. I'm really seeing another side of him these last two weeks. I'm pretty sure he's talked 10 times worse to me today then the last 3 years of arguments combined. I just keep telling myself less then 3 weeks to go and I'll finally be away from him and won't look back.