How do I walk away? Tired of being the chick on the side...

[chickontheside]

[font=arial][/font][color=darkred][/color]I never knew loving someone could feel so good and natural. I feel blessed to be in love with my best friend. We do and share everything together. There's only one problem... He's married!

 

I can still remember our first "real" conversation like it was yesterday. The phone rang and I was getting in my car. I got out of the car, which was unusual, and answered the phone in the garage. The conversation was so good I didn't even want to pause to go inside and pick up a regular phone so I sat in the garage on the floor with my back against the car and my feet on the wall laughing until my face hurt for three hours or more... He asked me then "are you trying to be my best friend?" My response was "I already am..." That is why I feel so torn now. Like most OW relationships my love is being stretched thin. We have tried to cold turkey break up thing and it didnt work. I think that was partially because I was weak then and could not resist allowing him to come back and forth. I feel such a sense of belonging to him that it is hard for me to deny him what is his... Me!

 

When I snap back into reality and remember there is a Mrs on the other side of this charade I feel like such a fool! Now we are at a crossroads and with two years investing I am contemplating walking away because he has told me that he is not going to leave her or me. He is happy having his cake and eating it too! And I am the fool allowing him to do so since I won't put a stop to the situation. My biggest fear I guess is that I will walk away from him right when he decides to let go of his marriage and then I will somehow have missed out after investing so much time, energy, love and emotion into buidling the relationship. I cannot be controlled by FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) though and I know the situation will not change until I take the necessary steps to change it. Problem is he is my absolute best friend and we share everything! I love our relationship... We work together, play together, cry together... He has told me he could live without the intimate aspects of our relationship but that he does not want to loose the friendship because we are so close. Funny how intimate means sexual to men and emotional to women...

 

We make such an awesome team! So at last I am faced with the ultimate decision of accepting the bits and pieces of him he has to give or letting him go and being alone. If I stay I will grow angry, bitter and resentful and I would rather walk away with the love I still have in my heart for him then to hate him. I have absolutely nothing left to give anyone else, nor do I have the desire to EVER open my heart and soul to another man. Once you have had the real thing you can't go back to b/s! Comments & suggestions please...

 

"Relationships either grow or they die!"

[Merin]

Once you've had the real thing you cannot go back to bullsh*t uh?

 

Thats an interesting perspective..

 

Being the OW is a lonely place live.. and now your MM has confirmed for you that he has no intentions of leaving his wife, and of course he is all good with keeping you on the side as well.. how nice for him.. this would definatley be one of those cases of HIM having IT ALL and not wanting to go back to the *ahem* bullsh*t.

 

The real thing... the real thing...

 

I guess I look at things in a different light.. having been on both sides of this situation..

 

To me having the real thing means having that person.. knowing they are there for you no matter what, they've got your back. Knowing that when you need them they are there.. that they share thier life with you, thier hopes, dreams, fears and bed with you... ONLY YOU.

 

This isn't to say you don't have real feelings for this guy, I have no doubt what so ever that you do.. HOWEVER he isn't willing to give you everything he has.. and he has let you know that isn't in the plans (his anyway)

 

So even if you feel you will never love again, or desire a relationship with someone else who does have your back in all the ways I've mentioned.. my guess is IF or WHEN you do decide to leave this MM alone and go your own way.. it will make you stronger, less inclined to listen to any bullsh*t and very appreciative when you really do meet someone who is willing, and available to offer you the real thing minus all the drama, and the heartbreaking bullsh*t you've encountered with your MM.

 

Best of Luck

[chickontheside]

Thanks Merin,

 

What you said totally makes sense and you're right, if it was the real thing he would be mine and/or willing to take the necessary steps to make it right. More often than not, I feel that my presence in his life is facilitating him staying married because if I was not keeping him happy he probably would have left a long time ago.

 

The love is real, the connection is real, what we share is real and the fact that he is married is the most REAL part of all! Thanks for the reminder... Being the OW is definitely a lonely place to be and leaves a lot to be desired when you know you are accepting less than what you deserve...

 

Chick on the Side

 

 

"Relationships either grow or they die!"

[Leaf]

Oh girl.. you are singing my song. I am in the same boat. The relationship I have with my MM is the same as yours. I loved how you said you guys are a "perfect team".

I dont know what the answer is for you... heck, I dont know what it is for me.. I DID however get some simple yet good advice. "Let nature take its course." If you are meant to be together, then you will be. If not, then so be it. Dont push and pull at it, all you will do is break it apart. If the relationship works for you, then screw what others say about it. If it doesnt work for you, then take the steps to get away.

B

 

Best wishes,

Leaf

[Grinning Maniac]

"I have absolutely nothing left to give anyone else, nor do I have the desire to EVER open my heart and soul to another man. Once you have had the real thing you can't go back to b/s! Comments & suggestions please... "

 

I've heard that before...

 

Tell me something. What do you think love is? What's it's purpose? I mean, are you the type that truly believes there's one "soulmate" out there for everyone? I'm just curious.

[chickontheside]

Love is total and complete acceptance of someone else for who and what they are. It's selfless and kind, its sharing the very core of your being with the one person in the world that completes you. Those are just a few things love is to me...

 

I do believe that there is only one "soulmate" for every person and I believe that he is mine. I have had other relationships and was even married for a significant period of time and nothing compares to the love I have found with this man. It's not an easy situation for either of us. He is torn and feels horrible guilt but we have found something special in each other that only comes along once in a lifetime. I know I probably sound cliche and hopeless but I love him completely and if we cannot be together or he refuses to leave then I would rather be alone and spend my energy and time doing to something that will be beneficial to myself and others. Prior to this I never "needed" to be in a relationship to feel complete, but I feel totally lost whenever we are apart.

[chickontheside]

Leaf... Thanks for your support and encouragement... I am a firm believer of living my life my way but at the same time my conscious and morality are kicking me in the gut. I have never been in this situation before. On the contrary I was the wife finding out about the OW and with my ex their were plenty of them. I have been pretty much standing still afraid to making any drastic moves or changes because I don't want to lose the love and friendship I have found but I know that it's only a matter of time because I am an ALL OR NOTHING kinda girl!

 

Take care and good luck with your situation too!

[Grinning Maniac]

So you *are* a fool then? Alright, cool. I was just checking.

 

I'm not even going to get into the irony of you seeing a married guy after you ex-husband cheated on you. That's a whole other post...

 

I can't get enough of you folks who actually believe in that "soulmate" rubbish. The concept alone has got to be the most pathetic, illogical, "someday-my-prince-will-come", Disney-approved nonsense that I've ever heard, and people just cling onto it like a sad little life-preserver. One single perfect person for us all. What a fu*king joke. Do you still believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus? Ironically, those are more realistic. At least those have an actual historical basis on which the legend is based. The concept of soulmates is some silly little thing we've just made up out of thin air. You loonies have the biggest joke in the world played on you, and none of you get it. You all held on to your Barbie and Ken dolls, and Disney romances a liiittle too long...and now you have brain damage. Sucks to be you.

 

Chick, wouldn't you say it's just a liiittle bit convienient that out of over 6 BILLION PEOPLE on this Earth, you just happened to luck out and get the soulmate who lives in your immediate area...and also happens to be your best friend...and also happens to be married? You don't find it just a whee bit suspicious that so many other people (coughcoughmostlybroadscough) get in the same situation? That their soulmate just *happens* to be the person they're having an affair with? Not strange at all? One has nothing to do with the other? Alrighty, you just keep chasing that pot of gold. The leprechauns and myself are going out to smoke a joint, and get a couple of Shamrock Shakes. Peace.

 

Honestly, show me a person who wholeheartedly believes in soulmates and I'll show you a religious lemming or someone who owns a pair of tits. Possibly both. To believe in having a soulmate, you *first* have to believe that love is in some way ~*magical*~, and if you believe love is LITERALLY magical, as in, glittering unicorns who sh*t orange sherbet...you're psychotic. Love is NOT magical. Got it? It's not. Stop shaking your head and pointing to your copy of "Only You" or that dime store romance novel you got at the airport. Love is fun, love makes life a little brighter, love makes Hallmark a lot of money...but it ISN'T the work of cheerful little pixies who just love watching you shag someone else's spouse. Love isn't magical, ok? Please stop believing that sh*t. It will only get you hurt.

 

In reality..."love" is more than likely just an evolutionary response to our incredible rate of reproduction. Chemical and psychological. Not magical and divine. My reasoning is that if lasting romantic love and monogamy was truly just bestowed from the heavens, then it has no real purpose, as far as I can see. But that doesn't wash because nature doesn't really deal in the superficial and useless. Everything about an organism tends to have a purpose(or had a past purpose and is now being phased out). Love is pretty significant to us, so what is it's purpose? Aside from finding a "baby daddy"...I'd say population control. Let me explain: Chick mentioned earlier that she loves her best friend/MM soooo much that she can't imagine being with anyone else ever again. Well, that pretty much takes her out of the mating game now, doesn't it? Ignoring the fact that he's married, as long as she's emotionally stuck on this guy, the chances are slim to nil that she will mate with anyone else. I bet she'd feel like crap if she even *kissed* someone else. Gotta love guilt. Now multiply this situation by, oh....a billion.

 

Let's play make-believe for a second. For this little scenario, let's pretend the development of effective birth control never got off the ground. No rubbers, no sponges, no depo shots, no coat hangers. Nature doesn't know the Trojan Man, so it's not part of the equation. As I said before, there are already over 6 BILLION people on Earth. We aren't exactly a tiny tribe of talking monkeys. Now then, imagine that none of us ever felt a single emotional attachment to ANYONE. Love isn't even in our vocabulary. We all just shag whoever we bump into that day who turns us on. Sure, it sounds fun in theory, but without birth control (and possibly even with it) it would likely be an overpopulation disaster. 6 billion people? How about 60 billion? If you're not getting my point by now, I think love is just the little shock collar to keep us from f*cking ourselves into extinction. Nothing more. It has it's positive side effects to be sure, but so does taking a piss after downing a 2-liter of cola. It feels great...but that doesn't negate the fact that your bladder would burst if you didn't drain the main vein.

 

We convince ourselves that the love we feel now will never come again in this lifetime and it's a lie. There's always someone better out there. It doesn't mean who you're after is a loser, but if it's a sh*tty *situation* then don't stick around and be miserable just because you're "sure" there's no one better. Because you'll certainly never find them if you keep jerking yourself off to the fantasy that they dont even exist and that FATE, JESUS, and the PINK ELEPHANT have proclaimed for you to love this one talking monkey out of several billion and no other. The bullsh*t mock-Pokemon quest of having to find your soulmate now matter what ("Gotta catch THAT ONE.") has f*cked up more lives than cancer. Love has more zealots than religion. People kill for love, people die for love, people waste their whole youth(LS reference) holding out for "soulmates". What a joke.

 

Well, I'm done and I probably just rambled a lot of jibber-jabber, but Chris Rock said it better than I ever could:

 

(paraphrase) "There is no perfect relationship. It's not going to happen for you. You're not going to get a soulmate. The best you're going to get is a MATE."

[chickontheside]

Wow GM... That was interesting to say the least. You bring up valid points and I can respect that but I think love is a little more than population control (lol)... I feel you though!

 

I have been fortunate enough to met some great guys and have connections and good relationships and friendships with them. Even considered SETTLING for being with a couple, but I still believed even then that there was someone for me. They always say you find the perfect person for you when you already are with someone else. I would rather be alone than SETTLE for having a MATE who I just cohabitate with and occassionally screw. Not my idea of fulfillment emotionally or physically. I need to be IN LOVE and have the feeling of completion hence my partner being my "better half". I agree that a lot of people get and stay emotionally stuck in these types of situations but I have made a concscious choice that I am comfortable with (being alone). I am not handling the situation with the grief of a pouting child who just wants to go inside and not play anymore because I didn't win the game or got hit by the dodge ball!

 

Call me a hopeless romantic but my Barbie and Ken dolls have long been put away (it was actually Sonny and Cher for me!) and today I rejoice in the knowledge of self and in having had the opportunity to have and experience my "one great love!" (I know your gagging... LOL) Take care and good luck finding your MATE!

 

Chick on the Side

 

P. S. Are you in a relationship?

[pragmatic]

The problem that I see with the concept of finding the one and only "soul mate" is it tends to encourage putting all your energy in finding that person (1 in 6 billion), without the understanding that any relationship changes/grows, etc. requiring constant and diligent effort to keep it strong.

 

In fairy tales, you never hear about the struggles, for instance, that Cinderella & Prince Charming may have had down the road, when they settled into a daily routine, or when they had children, problems with the in-laws, etc, etc...

 

Happily ever after, right? If not, it wasn't meant to be...blah blah.

 

In most cases, a relationship dies because it was allowed to die (or killed), by one or both people.

[dude x]

I doubt you really make an awesome team. You don't live together, that's the true test of teamwork.

I do have to agree somewhat with grinningmaniac about population control. And pragmatist about the unheard story. None ever hears of the violent revolution against Prince Charming and all of the sanguine activities involved in that horrible debacle. SOulmates are a myth but they can still be useful conversation aides. If not a myth we can definitely conclude you still made a mistake in bestowing the label.

If the soulmate thing is true it happens between 2 people and they both should feel that way right? I think the soulmate story assumes a binary operation. I don't think it means you could feel that and then not they. If he truely felt it the same way as you he would've divorced her a long time ago. Instead he maintains staying with her.

You worry about missing out if he does leave her. You already doubt he would call you. Is it possible to doubt your soulmate? Is it possible to be not sure of what they are thinking? If he was such a soulmate you would know for sure he would call you and be like "hey chickontheside, I left her we were at court today and the judge finalized it we can finally be together!"

Your first response to Merin is confusing, you said" I feel that my presence in his life is facilitating him staying married because if I was not keeping him happy he probably would have left a long time ago. " Whoa !! It must be nice to have such a special connection that it causes loved ones to maintain unhealthy relationships with other people! "Our love is so great that he is inspired to stay married to a woman he doesn't love as much as me" This is just not making anysense here. I hope you can detect my sarcasm in my little skit.

I recommend counseling to discuss all aspects of what it was for you when you found out about your ex hubby. Since he is your ex I must conclude the pain was unbearable and the relationship no good for repairs. That is very ironic indeed that you are the ow now. Have you considered calling his wife. That may facillitate the divorce you hope for. If not it could strengthen their marriage.

Girl the chips are stacked against you on this. You deserve someone who will make you a priority and not a ckick on the side. I think you know that too, which makes it hard to understand why you went for him in the first place.

How long was it after your divorce did you have that fateful conversation in the garage? You should've known at the time he was noone to be falling in love for. That was completely foolish, was it revenge? AN act against marriage... that horrible institution which just oughtta be banned?

I'm ranting and rambling.. this just reminds me of a friend of ours who went through this. She wasted so much time waiting for him to divorce her. He never did, he and his wife got saved and rediscovered each other or something. And that affair lasted several months maybe a year-- can't remember--- don't want to

[BoatingBabe]

IMO...no such thing as a soulMATE....but rather soulMATES...you will meet people who will touch you deeply along the way..some just may be different, but deeply nonetheless...I stopped thinking there was only one man for me after my first love...I fell in love a few times after than when I thought I wouldn't....

[Mr Spock]

Isn't that the kicker though? "If I leave him, and the relationship dissolves between him and his wife if I'm not there will I lose out?"

 

Awful way to feel. To torture yourself into staying because you're afraid. The unknown can be terrible-but how will anything change if you don't take that leap? You're going to have to try cutting him off for a while, of ALL aspects. No communication.

 

If he finds another OW to fill your slot you know it wasn't meant to be.

 

Let me know how things go, if and when you gather the gumption to plug the drain on your psyche. This guy is a metaphysical leech.

[mourningMM]

Think of this...

 

The reason that your relationship with your MM is so good is because YOU are open to him...not the other way around.

 

Any new relationship that you have with a single man will also be good because YOU will be in it with the wisdom that you've gained from this relationship. But only if you are open to it.

 

If you leave him, and find someone that is equally available to you, then you can multiply the wonder and beauty and soul-wrenching love that you have with this man times two.

 

Because if you are able to open to a man who is not splitting his attention, energy, emotion, and sexual energy with someone else, you will really have what you think you have now.

 

You are mistaking a half-life with someone else's husband in stolen moments for a lifetime of love out in the open.

 

Believe me that when you leave your MM, and open up to a mature available male, everything that you do in secret will seem pale by comparison. Imagine being introduced to your boyfriends friends and family and having no shadows in their eyes as they look at you...no guilty visions of another woman.

 

You deserve more than a half-life.

 

If he is a good man who cares about you, he will let you leave. But be prepared to backslide a number of times before you finally call it quits. Bad habits that feel good are very very hard to break!

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

I do believe that there is only one "soulmate" for every person

Well, I'll try to be a bit more diplomatic than some of the other posters, but....YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!! Just one man for you to love on this planet - is that what you're saying? You need an education in the nature of romantic love, my dear - what creates it and what sustains it. Check out <URL removed>

 

...he has told me that he is not going to leave her or me. He is happy having his cake and eating it too! And I am the fool allowing him to do so since I won't put a stop to the situation....

Yup, all very true. Congrats on havin g this level of clarity.

 

...My biggest fear I guess is that I will walk away from him right when he decides to let go of his marriage and then I will somehow have missed out after investing so much time, energy, love and emotion into buidling the relationship...

Ummmm...don't worry...seriously. You can walk away and slam the door in his face. If he is REALLY your soulmate (cough cough), he'll leave his marriage, follow you and take you in his arms and never let you go. However, I'll bet you USD100 that this WILL not happen. That's right - my 100 bucks up against NOTHING of yours - that's how certain I am.

 

...he is my absolute best friend...

Honey, you poor hurting deluded bit of fluff, look at what this so-called best friend is DOING to you! Serving you up the humiliation and frustration of being second best. Feeding you lines that insult your intelligence. Flicking you crumbs. I don't care how good the sex, laughter, talk or whatever else it is, is...at the end of the day he goes home to her and says "Yes, dear". If you met the two of them on the street, he would look right through you. You know that's true, right?

 

Perhaps I've been rather rude above. But you have so many delusional thoughts about relationships, I just want to SHAKE you, and I can't via the Internet, hence my hectoring tone.

 

Once you have had the real thing you can't go back to b/s!

Once you've eaten enough MM B.S. you won't be able to see the real thing when it comes around.

[Leaf]

That is so true.. god help the poor men who come into our lives after this...

[beachsocal]

I certainly don't agree with everything Merin says. Because I'm more black and white (I'm a guy). But some things I can say, ...you can never go backwards.

 

Sure Merin has many offers on the table. Or, is so far away from San Diego its not even funny.

 

Anyway, back to learning how to use Yahoo IM!

[StraightNow]

Chick

I'm sorry if you already answered this stuff earlier but I just read your first post then skimmed the rest. Does the MM have kids? how long has he been married? is the sex above average above ordinary? I came across your post I am an MM who just ended it with the OW which has been tough but is the best for the both of us. I have tried to take the additude she is bad for me and wiling to hurt me and loose my family to get what she wants and to be happy. I know that is not true just how I'm trying to justify things. I care for her deeply as do my W I just couldn't deal with hurting them both anymore. I felt terrible guilt on both sides putting the OW through the experience and potentially my W. I knew from the beginning and never changed my mind that I was going to leave my W and kids. I had a great friendship bond love? incredible sex with the OW I was definately having my cake and eating it too, but it was putting her through terrible pain she was changing from a sweet happy soul to torrmented, lonley and sad. I was ok for the first year all happy then year two got worse and worse my guilt her torrment, but she wouldn't let go and I couldn't either even though this was changing her for the worse. She tried to end it several times, which was good cause I wasn't man enough to for selfish reasons. I finally have mainly because I could not put her through it anymore and the guilt I felt for what she was going through and my infidelity. She was perfect and we were perfect for the type of situation we were in I don't think It would have worked as a full time thing I don't know because that is the true test I wasn't able or willing to try. I thought I loved her but sometimes the passion and the newness get confussed as love, at least on my end. I'm not sure if she really did or didn't she did say it and says it still, but? I know this is alot of talk about my sich but maybe it will give you abetter perspective from his side???? I don't know reading yours and others situation has helped me realize I did the right thing by ridding her of me and the "perfect thing" that was obviously very far from it. There is always someone better out there and I felt I was keeping her from that. He's keeping you from yours.

[Leaf]

Originally posted by StraightNow

she was changing from a sweet happy soul to torrmented, lonley and sad.

 

That is how I feel.

 

I know this is off topic but I have to ask you something. Why do you stay with your W. And does your W know you had a longterm affair? Why does she stay with you.

[StraightNow]

I was and am very happily married I never thought something like this could happen to me nor did I think I would let it happen to me. It just did. I was weak and she was perfect (bad combination). She was never better or worse than my W. My W doesn't know nor has she ever questioned it, I was never to blatant or crazy about it, I think? Though looking back I was pretty bad and stupid. I don't know why my W stays with me if she knew I did this she wouldn't. I met two perfect women they are so similar and I have (had) a strong bond with both physically and emotionally. I just couldn't have both and I was committed already to my wife and have kids and happily so. I don't know if the OW and I could have made it we probably could have under different circumstances but that part of committing and living together is huge, alot more than having a strong emotional feelings, talking alot and having sex, who know's. I should have never acted on it but I did and sorry I put the OW through that, like I said I feel bad and guilt on both ends my W and OW. I wish it would never happened but still have trouble not thinking about her and how nice she WAS and what good times we had. It still wasn't worth it for either of us? I'm still confused about stuff but feel we are both in a better place since ending it. She couldn't be happy with me or without me. She eventually will be happy without me and probably is already?

 

sorry long story for a short ?

 

sorry all OW we MM really dumb a$$e$

[leapin]

Chickontheside and Leaf,

 

I just joined this site because I was looking for answers to my situation. I am in a very similar situation, although my MM says he is going to leave his W. He has been separated from her before, prior to our relationship though. He went back for his children's sake, saying this was his mess he had to live with it. Prior to our relationship he didn't think he could ever be happy or that he deserved to. He had affairs before but never for very long because they weren't fulfilling.

 

I relate to everything you both say and also appreciate the comments from Straightnow. I feel that the direction our relationship is heading in is full of resentment. I have a very difficult time ongoing accepting the "crumbs" but I do know I love him and know it could be great, the greatest relationship I've ever had. But I don't know if that is an option. I had to decide if I was okay with this relationship whether or not he ever left his W or not. So far I have been willing to accept that, but ending our relationship before it gets ugly goes through my mind every day. I won't tell you our relationship is perfect, it can't be. There are too many issues against us and that is something he fully realizes but we both want it so bad we try to figure it out.

 

I believe we have many soulmates also. If my MM is not mine I do believe I will find mine someday and I do believe you will find yours someday if your MM is not yours. I also agree with the concept that if you (or I for that matter) decide the best thing for us is to end the relationship, and he truly loves you and your relationship is meant to be he will find you. But that initial cutting it off and sticking with your decision is near impossible, I know. I have tried before and it ends up feeling like a game, and I don't want this to be a game. So I am now waiting until I know that what I truly believe is the best thing for me is to end it otherwise it will never work and I'll end up back with him playing by his rules. And I think you are probably in a similar situation.

 

I am so glad I found this forum. It is extremely helpful to have others that understand and maybe together we can all provide each other with the support and encouragement we need to get through our situations. I know all I want is to be happy and for him to be happy as well. I don't want anyone hurt and at this point if it continues I don't know if that would be possible.

[Leaf]

Thanks for the post Leapin.

 

It is so hard to be in this position and I dont think that the MM really understand what it is like for us. I am more emotional now than I have ever been. The light that people used to see in me fades as each day passes. My mind is filled with feelings of inadequeness, unworthiness, sadness and pain. My heart is in constant tornement. But, I love this man so much and I know he loves me too.

 

The feelings of being hooked on a line while he gets the courage to ultimately end it is too much to endure at times.

 

I question everything he says now, the innocence is lost and is replaced by distrust.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Leaf

Thanks for the post Leapin.

 

It is so hard to be in this position and I dont think that the MM really understand what it is like for us. I am more emotional now than I have ever been. The light that people used to see in me fades as each day passes. My mind is filled with feelings of inadequeness, unworthiness, sadness and pain. My heart is in constant tornement. But, I love this man so much and I know he loves me too.

 

The feelings of being hooked on a line while he gets the courage to ultimately end it is too much to endure at times.

 

I question everything he says now, the innocence is lost and is replaced by distrust.

 

 

Obviously, it's not, or we all would have ended our relationships with our respective MMs by now.

[Leaf]

lol.. no sh*t.

 

You ever feel like you are living in some Greek tragedy we read in College? My god.

[lynnered]

straightnow

had to say your reply did touch me as well,i broke off w/h mm almost 3 weeks ago,a little different from yours as he's not happy at home but where you wrote

"I was OK for the first year all happy then year two got worse and worse my guilt her torment, but she wouldn't let go and I couldn't either even though this was changing her for the worse. She tried to end it several times, which was good cause I wasn't man enough to for selfish reasons" she was changing from a sweet happy soul to tormented, lonely and sad

especially the tormented &sad part it kind of made me feel better i know he's a good person &he's says he intends to leave one day but i couldn't go on feeling that way ,but anyway i thank you so much for that perspective!!

sorry for being off topic!!!