some assistance please

[duckrodgers]

I am new to the forums and I have never encountered people who have been through similar experience to me.

 

I have problems expressing my feelings, am I alone or do others suffer from this too????

 

This is a new area I have not really explored, my CPN (community psyichatric nurse) as told me," it's taken me years to break down your barriers". She is not trained in this field and she as been working with me for 7 or more years. I suppose she really never knew about my past as child.

 

Its difficult at times to talk, please excuse me..I just need someone to break the Ice. I am not sure what to really write on these threds???

 

You could say I am still learning. My CPN wants me to go too a survivors group for more therapy which I am ready for. This won't happen while summer and I would like to start now expoloring some of my feeling.

 

Just wounderd if other survivors would help me get started? if I express them on these forums.

 

thank you.

[Israfil]

It might help if you could be more specific - you might get better advice that way.

[Nine]

Hi duckrodgers,

 

I think lots of people have a difficult times expressing their feelings, especially after experiencing the kind of childhood abuse that you have.

 

I have problems in this area as well and am working with a therapist.

 

If you would like to talk more, I'll be here.

 

Nine

[duckrodgers]

Hi Nina

 

Thank you for your support and offering to talk to me. I always feel scare about relationships, dropping those barriers to let someone in. I feel a shamed becuause girls might not like what they find out about me?

 

Showing my emotions is difficult, when talking about my past I find it hard to look into people eyes. I feel the evilness of my step-dad: how he would look at me in those raged eyes. It's like people hugging me, I will back away, it feels odd and strange beacus I never had this luxuary as a child.

 

Males sitting next to me feels uncomfortable, especialy drunks. This like all the fear coming back, unpredicatble beacuse I don't know what they are going to do.

 

 

I wish some of these things would go away or make them a little bit better for myself, I don't know where to start?

 

regards jason

[duckrodgers]

hi

 

Sorry NINE!!!

 

I called you NINA for some reason....lol

 

 

 

~duckrodgers~

[Nine]

Hi Jason,

 

No worries about calling me Nina.

 

I can understand why you would be afraid to let your guard down. You learned as a child that that would be a really bad idea. Pretty smart of you, I think. And as far as sitting next to an intoxicated person, well I think that is a good rule overall. I don't like sitting too close to people like that either. Although, I suspect your fear may be a bit more than mine. My parents weren't alcoholics, but still very abusive.

 

I hope you don't mind, but I have lots of questions (answer what you want and don't worry about the rest)...

 

What is your life like now? Is your environment physically safe? Are you completely away from abusive people? I ask this because I think it makes a difference in your ability to feel safe enough to experiment with your feelings and behavior.

 

I don't know too much about the mental health system in England. How did you get in touch with your CPN? Do you see a therapist?

 

For me, a therapist was my first step. I was an emotional mess for a long time and acted out with all kinds of self destructive behaviors. It took me several tries before I found a therapist that worked for me. The previous ones offered good advice, I just wasn't willing to accept it from them. Kinda like a personal preference thing. I think timing had to do with it too.

 

The other thing that helps me alot is to listen to other people's experiences in healing (just like you are asking here). There are some really great healing support boards on the net. In the states there are also Adult Children of Alcoholics groups and the like that meet in person. Do you have those in England?

 

It is normal for children of abusive parents to feel shame for what happened to them. Through therapy and love for yourself, you can overcome that. It is NOT your fault that you were treated that way. It had nothing to do with you (other than the hurt it caused you). It was the adults in your life who were at fault. They are/were messed up because of things that happened to them and they took it out on you. That is not okay.

 

Peace dear Jason,

Nine

 

P.S. As you heal your psychic wounds, the girl situation will resolve itself. :~)

[duckrodgers]

Hello

 

I became in involved in the Mental Health system in 1993. I was 21 years and trainning to be an Engineer, the signs started to show my boss took me into the office and said," I am sorry you are unstable we have to let you go. Hearing this sent me further down the sippery slope and became more depressed.

 

I went to the Doctors and he said to me, " stop being silly and go back to work". I got home that day and my step-dad chucked me out.

 

I knew nothing and the big wide world: it was scary, it was like being born again, but living in an adults body. Where do I start? what do I do?.....I dont no anything................ I thought to myself.

 

I pressed the self- destruction button and ended up in a psychiatric ward. They gave me ECT on 8 occassions, it would have been 18 times given thier way: I did a runner and they stopped it thank god!!!

 

I could not talk, if I did I am sure my step-dad would kill them. I was trapped for a long time with out talking and bcame worried when when would that knock on door come, the Police " saying sorry your mothers dead" it never happen, but my mother came on many occassions, scared and frightend.

 

I have never really trusted therapist...I know this wrong, how can they help me if I don't talk.

 

My enviroment is safe and live with my cat CID, knowing he can not talk I find myself in a muddle. The flash backs and dreams come back, most of the time they happen at night and my friends don't understandand, my family are truamatized. Wheir do I go?

 

My first cat Polly(died in 2004) saved me from total destruction. She was mistreated as a kitten, in away I could understand how frightend she was. She gave me the resposability and somenone to respect, we bonded and Polly would follow me every where I went........she felt safe.

 

Cid as been mistreated and its my job to make him safe now.

 

I wish they could talk back to me and stop some of my hurt when it gets bad.

 

than you

[Nine]

Hi Jason,

 

I hear your pain and I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You must feel very alone. It is wonderful that you have CID to care for. Cats are great companions. I used to have 2 of them and they helped me so often during the painful times. Still, they don't talk, like you said. It is our fellow humans that we long for to give us the type of understanding and love that warms our spirit.

 

I'm glad you are safe now. You are reaching out here which is a really good thing. There is another board that I lurk at that is run by a psychologist. There are many survivors who write there and it is a very supportive community. I don't know how to use the link script on here so I'll just give you the website...

 

http://www.psychlinks.ca

 

I find it really helps me to listen to other people's experiences. That way I don't feel so weird about everything. It also helps me talk to my therapist. I learn from others as to how they name their feelings...it triggers feelings in me and I see myself more clearly. Does that make any sense?

 

Keep reaching out...vent if you want to...I try to check in at least once a day.

 

Peace,

Nine

 

P.S. Your step dad sounds certifiable. Kudos to you for surviving a childhood with him.

[Nine]

Hi again...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about Polly's death. Both of my cats passed over the last couple of years as well. It is so sad. I'm glad you have CID now.

 

Bye.

[duckrodgers]

hello

 

Today I sent off a letter; I have never seen my really father before. My surname is rare in England and I wrote to a person who could be relatad to me, well there are only 3 people who share the same surname in the entire country.

 

I am worried have I open a can of worms? am I prepared for rejection? would I like what I find? My brother told me he was voilent, I am not sure.

 

I just don't understand why my mother had so much bad luck with men in the past. My real dad, my step-dad, I just don't understand how a woman can have so much bad luck? I do know my mother has had a bad childhood too, just neglect as far as I know. Looking for food in the bins because my Grandad would not feed her. I wounder why people do such things to youngsters?

 

I think it runs in the family.

 

My mother thankfuly is now in a good relationship, strictly plotonic and her partner agrees with that. Hes a good man and will protect her.

 

well good night

 

?Duckrodgers~

[Nine]

Hi Duckrodgers,

 

You are searching for answers and that is a good thing. I hope your letter helps you find some of those answers.

 

I'm happy that your mother has someone who is kind to her now. She also has you and that is a true gift for her.

 

I'm thinking your mother never learned loved as a child and therefore didn't know how to find it as an adult.

 

I agree that it is horrendous how we (all of we) allow our children to be treated. I am a mother now and have made it my mission to make sure I do not pass the abuse I received as a child onto my kids. They are so beautiful and so full of potential.

 

Peace,

Nine