I broke NC and Ex wants to retry

[me85]

It seems like you are doing all the work.QUOTE]

 

I agree.

 

Mangetout, you are taking a lot of the blame here. You posted how HE changed HIS mind all the time, that would make anyone react unfavorably.

 

What are the GOOD things about your guy?

[me85]

After completely reading through this thread I really hope you are moving on and staying away from your ex. He's worse than MY ex (as far as the back and forth) and that's bad.

 

So sorry things did not work out but RSs aren't everything. It may hurt now but it won't forever.

 

My heart goes out to you because I truly know where you're coming from (loving someone and trying your best, giving them your all and them giving you nothing in return.)

 

But you WILL survive.

[BC1980]

BC I eat humble pie and say you were right.

 

 

We had an argument a week ago and he ran off. Again.It could have been worked out but he doesn't want anymore conflict. Doesn't want to work on any differences. I do all the work and he does none.

 

 

I really tried this time and I think I have grown but he remains stagnated.

 

 

ITs taken me some time but I am finally finding peace in letting this relationship go

 

Well, I didn't want to be right. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how hard you try because the other person doesn't want it badly enough. You can bend yourself into a pretzel making accommodations or bettering yourself, but it won't matter. The other person either doesn't care enough to make it work, has too many issues to be in a relationship, or you just aren't compatible. Whatever his problem, don't let it be yours anymore. It's a total waste of time to spend your life with someone who isn't serious.

[BC1980]

It seems like you are doing all the work.QUOTE]

 

I agree.

 

Mangetout, you are taking a lot of the blame here. You posted how HE changed HIS mind all the time, that would make anyone react unfavorably.

 

What are the GOOD things about your guy?

 

Don't take all the blame. When you really love someone, it's easy to see them as having more potential than is realistic.

[me85]

BC1980, you really know what you're talking about. You and I share a lot of the same opinions.

 

I certainly have no room to try and climb on a high horse and speak from a megaphone because God knows there's been a lot of times when I've slurred my words & fallen off the mother fu cker. lol

 

BUT I hate to see someone make the same mistakes as I did, like mangetout. Oh the pain and devastation...

 

I wish I would not have wasted so much time trying to win my ex back and letting myself fall apart after he rejected me soo many times.

 

I'm happy to say I'm doing great. I no longer care if I ever see or hear from him again. It doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Sure, I still think of him. I mean, that's normal. We never really forget but the difference is, I don't get sad about the memories like I used to. If I do get sentimental it quickly comes and goes.

Edited July 7, 2014 by me85

[BC1980]

BC1980, you really know what you're talking about. You and I share a lot of the same opinions.

 

I certainly have no room to try and climb on a high horse and speak from a megaphone because God knows there's been a lot of times when I've slurred my words & fallen off the mother fu cker. lol

 

BUT I hate to see someone make the same mistakes as I did, like mangetout. Oh the pain and devastation...

 

I wish I would not have wasted so much time trying to win my ex back and letting myself fall apart after he rejected me soo many times.

 

I'm happy to say I'm doing great. I no longer care if I ever see or hear from him again. It doesn't hurt anymore.

 

Sure, I still think of him. I mean, that's normal. We never really forget but the difference is, I don't get sad about the memories like I used to. If I do get sentimental it quickly comes and goes.

 

Unfortunately, my last ex taught me many lessons the hard way. I tried for a few years to be the one to carry the load, the one wanting it to work. I put up with a lot, and I just hate to see others make my mistakes. Honestly though, you sometimes have to make the mistakes yourself to really learn.

[me85]

Unfortunately, my last ex taught me many lessons the hard way. I tried for a few years to be the one to carry the load, the one wanting it to work. I put up with a lot, and I just hate to see others make my mistakes. Honestly though, you sometimes have to make the mistakes yourself to really learn.

 

Same here.

 

& yes we absolutely do. I told my mother a long time ago that people have to learn from their own mistakes. Something that didn't work for one person may very well work for another. One never knows unless they try. If they fail, well sh it at least they tried and only then will you know what works for you.

 

I've learned so much after my experience with my ex. It's really just been another chapter of living and learning. I know what I will and will not include in my life. I'll see red flags sooner and will get out of a bad situation before it's too late and not waste any time. I will no longer tolerate any disrespect. I am a strong, surving, good hearted woman who deserves a very respectful, faithful, considerate man...because I'm all of those things too! AND MORE! :laugh:

[BC1980]

Same here.

 

& yes we absolutely do. I told my mother a long time ago that people have to learn from their own mistakes. Something that didn't work for one person may very well work for another. One never knows unless they try. If they fail, well sh it at least they tried and only then will you know what works for you.

 

I've learned so much after my experience with my ex. It's really just been another chapter of living and learning. I know what I will and will not include in my life. I'll see red flags sooner and will get out of a bad situation before it's too late and not waste any time. I will no longer tolerate any disrespect. I am a strong, surving, good hearted woman who deserves a very respectful, faithful, considerate man...because I'm all of those things too! AND MORE! :laugh:

 

I think you are right, and it's a lesson you can only learn from experience. I think you learn it better once you've been through the ringer.

[me85]

I think you are right, and it's a lesson you can only learn from experience. I think you learn it better once you've been through the ringer.

 

 

Most definitely. Hey, it just makes us more well rounded, so to speak. I mean, it really is true...what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I'm living proof.

 

I had a bad habit of losing myself in RSs and putting all my focus on the guy and what makes them happy and not what made me happy. I put up with too much BS. In all 3 of my RSs.

 

The wrong I did was, I drank a lot. I was mostly a happy drunk but I did have my mouthy moments. I'm big enough to recognize my mistakes but they were few and far between and in no way were they severe enough to be detrimental to the RSs. My boyfriends also drank regularly. They weren't alcoholics though.

 

Anyway...life's a journey.

[mangetout]

Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

I am actually fine about this latest BU.

 

I tried my best by behaving differently. I tried to communicate, reassure etc but I got nothing in return. Nothing. He is just not emotionally capable.

 

The man has too many issues I agree there.And yes it's nice to know that it's no longer my problem...that I can now really focus on moving forward and get myself healthy inside and out. There is no one to stop me any longer.

 

My God it's taken me years to get to this point. The pain I have had to suffer to get to here....

 

I finally see the light

[me85]

Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

I am actually fine about this latest BU.

 

I tried my best by behaving differently. I tried to communicate, reassure etc but I got nothing in return. Nothing. He is just not emotionally capable.

 

The man has too many issues I agree there.And yes it's nice to know that it's no longer my problem...that I can now really focus on moving forward and get myself healthy inside and out. There is no one to stop me any longer.

 

My God it's taken me years to get to this point. The pain I have had to suffer to get to here....

 

I finally see the light

 

I pray you maintain this attitude. Any time you feel weak come back and re-read this. ESPECIALLY if you get the urge to contact your ex or if he contacts you.

 

Good luck!

[mangetout]

I pray you maintain this attitude. Any time you feel weak come back and re-read this. ESPECIALLY if you get the urge to contact your ex or if he contacts you.

 

Good luck!

 

I won't feel weak.. Something in me has changed. Whenever he walked out on me before, I felt sp angry. Then the anger subsided and I began to miss him.

 

But this time round it's different for me. I have accepted that we are broken and I want to move on now. He too noticed the change in me because for the first time I told him that I accepted his decision and I thanked him for the good times we spent together. Usually I get angry, send loads of texts.

 

I have finally knocked him off his pedestal.

 

So tomorrow is back to healthy eating and running 5km once a week. Hopefully through time I will be the women that I lost two years ago. It's about time that I found her. :-/

[me85]

I won't feel weak.. Something in me has changed. Whenever he walked out on me before, I felt sp angry. Then the anger subsided and I began to miss him.

 

But this time round it's different for me. I have accepted that we are broken and I want to move on now. He too noticed the change in me because for the first time I told him that I accepted his decision and I thanked him for the good times we spent together. Usually I get angry, send loads of texts.

 

I have finally knocked him off his pedestal.

 

So tomorrow is back to healthy eating and running 5km once a week. Hopefully through time I will be the women that I lost two years ago. It's about time that I found her. :-/

 

No, leave her in the past as well. The old you led you to this point. From here on out, this is a new you.

[mangetout]

No, leave her in the past as well. The old you led you to this point. From here on out, this is a new you.

 

Well corrected! So true...the new me :-)

 

I really like that. It's comforting

[NopeNah]

Just ended my back and fourth ltr last night. And.. Like you I feel different than before. Like...what's the point in being miserable? I know it'll never work out so, why waste the time and energy in it, when those can be used for more positive things? I actually feel relief/free.

[mangetout]

I have to bump this thread because guess what! He has text me this morning asking for ANOTHER chance!

 

 

UNBELIAVABLE! I am actually amused.

 

 

I havnt said I would. I just told him he is so messed up in the head. That is needs to change. Whether he can is another thing. I will keep him haging for a lonf while.

 

 

But between you and me I am prepared to sit down with him in a few months time to have a through discussion about whether he is capable of adjusting and committing to making the relationship work. Go through everything very thoroughly.

 

 

As you all know he has jumped ship everytime we have come across a hiccup.

 

 

Who knows. But in the meantime I am getting on with life and liking my space.

[Zahara]

But between you and me I am prepared to sit down with him in a few months time to have a through discussion about whether he is capable of adjusting and committing to making the relationship work. Go through everything very thoroughly. .

 

A few months isn't enough time for change. People don't really change and even if they do, it's most times temporary to appease a situation or it is managed by learning how to cope with whatever the dysfunction -- and with long term therapy and self-awareness.

 

You should let him go. NC. You need to heal and emotionally detach. He needs to step away from relationships, get himself into counselling on his own, if he really wants change. You should not be in the picture, hanging on and waiting for a change to happen.

 

They always come back. These types are like rubberbands. When they're in it, they want nothing to do with it. When much time has passed and their dysfunction has simmered down, they return believing they can do it with promise of change but soon enough the dysfunction surfaces all over again.

Edited July 30, 2014 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, you're actually considering this? Haven't you learned a thing from the last 4-5 breakups and the cheating?

[redbaron005]

I mean, you're actually considering this? Haven't you learned a thing from the last 4-5 breakups and the cheating?

 

Seriously.

[mangetout]

I mean, you're actually considering this? Haven't you learned a thing from the last 4-5 breakups and the cheating?

 

I am not even thinking about the cheating at this point. It was two years ago and he did everything he could to make it right again. It was a one off and I have moved on from that.

 

What broke us was his guilt. I think....not sure.

 

Yes I am still considering it. But I want to speak to him first in a couple of months

[mangetout]

A few months isn't enough time for change. People don't really change and even if they do, it's most times temporary to appease a situation or it is managed by learning how to cope with whatever the dysfunction -- and with long term therapy and self-awareness.

 

You should let him go. NC. You need to heal and emotionally detach. He needs to step away from relationships, get himself into counselling on his own, if he really wants change. You should not be in the picture, hanging on and waiting for a change to happen.

 

They always come back. These types are like rubberbands. When they're in it, they want nothing to do with it. When much time has passed and their dysfunction has simmered down, they return believing they can do it with promise of change but soon enough the dysfunction surfaces all over again.

 

You may be right. But you also may be wrong Zahara. Who knows...

 

I believe things happen for a reason and perhaps I need to go through this to learn more about myself. I clearly have a bit of dysfunction in me too.

[mangetout]

But. Am definitely going to meet up with him late September to chat and see what he is thinking..

[Simon Phoenix]

I am not even thinking about the cheating at this point. It was two years ago and he did everything he could to make it right again. It was a one off and I have moved on from that.

 

What broke us was his guilt. I think....not sure.

 

Yes I am still considering it. But I want to speak to him first in a couple of months

 

He did everything he could to make it right, then broke up with you multiple times? That seems pretty contradictory. I mean, it's your life and you can do what you want, but it seems to me to be a hell of a lot of wasted time and effort. I mean, what the heck do you possibly think would change in a couple of months that hasn't changed in several years? There's no reason for him to change because you are always there. Always. I mean, he's going to say what he needs to say to get you on the hook again (you sound like you basically are anyway) then he's going to bail again. There's absolutely no reason why this time would be any different and he has no motivation to be different. To take a person back once is fine, but this would be time five. The more you take someone back, the less chance there is for them to actually change.

 

I feel like one day you are going to kick yourself about the amount of time you've wasted, and the people you haven't met, because you spent so much time entranced by this fool.

 

Honestly, for this guy to change you need to stay away for years. As in several. And during those years, you'll probably meet someone who doesn't play the push-pull games and treat you as a puppet. I mean, you're going to meet, you're going to get back together and you are going to break up again ... doesn't mean I'm not going to try to dissuade you against walking into surefire failure.

[BC1980]

I just can't even. . . . I don't know what to say. This is absolute insanity.

[BC1980]

You may be right. But you also may be wrong Zahara. Who knows...

 

I believe things happen for a reason and perhaps I need to go through this to learn more about myself. I clearly have a bit of dysfunction in me too.

 

Things don't happen for a reason. People make conscious choices, and there are consequences for those choices. If anything, the reason he came back is because you have made the choice to teach him that you will always be there, no matter how many times he throws you away.