I broke NC and Ex wants to retry

[Zahara]

You may be right. But you also may be wrong Zahara. Who knows...

 

I believe things happen for a reason and perhaps I need to go through this to learn more about myself. I clearly have a bit of dysfunction in me too.

 

I think you already know more than enough about yourself after 4-5 break ups. If you still haven't learnt after all that, it's baffling. Or are you making a silly excuse to justify going for round #6?

 

You don't need to get further involved in someone else's dysfunction to understand your own dysfunction. And the only way to change that is to change your own pattern, not wait for him to change his.

 

I'm sorry you are considering this again. It's insanity. But sometimes people have to get ripped to shreds to learn the lesson.

Edited July 31, 2014 by Zahara

[mangetout]

Simon, Zahara and BC. I do respect your opinions and I totally get why you would be against another reconciliation.

 

 

But I do think he genuinely wants to work this out. He is an absolute mess.

 

 

He admits that he was flighty and he needs to make more compromises. He wants us to be a family again.

 

 

Anyway I am not sure if I do want him back at this moment. Hence why I said I will meet with him in a couple of months to have a talk. I am intrigued to see what he has to say

 

 

in the meantime I am carrying on with my life. I am dating, working out and feeling generally good about myself.

 

 

I personally feel if we do a round five we will either go the distance or it will crumble within a short space of time.

 

 

If it does end quickly its no skin off my nose. There would be no major disruption in my life. I run my own business, own my own house, my son is happy and I have a great circle of friends and family. I wont crumble on the floor if he left.

[mangetout]

I just can't even. . . . I don't know what to say. This is absolute insanity.

 

 

Yes it is BC. I totally agree with you. But maybe I am the type who needs to fall in that hole numerous times...

 

 

I follow my heart way too much when it comes to men. Thank God the rest of me is sensible. ;-/

 

 

Anyway, there is no contact between us until late September. I have told him those were my wishes as I wanted some space to clear my head

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, Zahara and BC. I do respect your opinions and I totally get why you would be against another reconciliation.

 

 

But I do think he genuinely wants to work this out. He is an absolute mess.

 

 

He admits that he was flighty and he needs to make more compromises. He wants us to be a family again.

 

 

Anyway I am not sure if I do want him back at this moment. Hence why I said I will meet with him in a couple of months to have a talk. I am intrigued to see what he has to say

 

 

in the meantime I am carrying on with my life. I am dating, working out and feeling generally good about myself.

 

 

I personally feel if we do a round five we will either go the distance or it will crumble within a short space of time.

 

 

If it does end quickly its no skin off my nose. There would be no major disruption in my life. I run my own business, own my own house, my son is happy and I have a great circle of friends and family. I wont crumble on the floor if he left.

 

I mean, you said this about round three and round four and you are still enabling this. There is absolutely no reason for him to change -- he doesn't need to change to get you and it's not going to happen. I mean, you thought he really wanted to work it out the other four or five times, and it didn't happen. I don't care how much you "follow your heart", you can't afford to be this obtuse. I mean, your logic is just nonexistent. He's going to say what he always says, you're going to do what you always do, and it's going to end up how it always ends up. Just a colossal waste of time and resources.

[Zahara]

"Genuinely wants to work it out?" I think everytime he came back it was with the same intent. There's nothing different about Round 6. It's just two people repeating a toxic pattern. It's all you know.

 

Repeating the cycle is easy. Breaking it is hard.

 

Good luck, M. I really hope this time around he really comes through for you.

[mangetout]

I mean, you said this about round three and round four and you are still enabling this. There is absolutely no reason for him to change -- he doesn't need to change to get you and it's not going to happen. I mean, you thought he really wanted to work it out the other four or five times, and it didn't happen. I don't care how much you "follow your heart", you can't afford to be this obtuse. I mean, your logic is just nonexistent. He's going to say what he always says, you're going to do what you always do, and it's going to end up how it always ends up. Just a colossal waste of time and resources.

 

Yes I did think he wanted to make it work in the past but we never really talked about how we would approach our issues properly. I just went with the flow and it ended up with him freaking out and ending it whenever we had an upset. But I think this time he would like to do the distance.

 

 

I have no intention of going back into a similar situation again. That's why I am going to make sure this time he understands that he has to make major changes within himself if we were to try again. He needs to be more emotionally available. He never use to be so flakey

 

 

I havnt said yes to anything at this point. I have just agreed to meeting up in couple of months down the road to talk about whether its still possible.

 

 

Sigh. Who knows. I have a couple of months to myself so I will still use it to recover and try and move on.

 

 

Maybe by Sep I am singing a totally different tune and have no interest in him whastso ever.

[mangetout]

"Genuinely wants to work it out?" I think everytime he came back it was with the same intent. There's nothing different about Round 6. It's just two people repeating a toxic pattern. It's all you know.

 

Repeating the cycle is easy. Breaking it is hard.

 

Good luck, M. I really hope this time around he really comes through for you.

 

Zahara I appreciate you saying that. Thank you.

 

 

No matter what I will be posting updates because I think its important for other people who are in similar situations to see the outcome.

[BC1980]

One of the fundamental problems is that it's easy for him to say he wants to change, wants to be a family, and wants it to work this time. He might actually mean it at the moment. The problem is that it's much harder when it comes time for action. He's proven that when something makes it uncomfortable, he's not really willing to make any changes. You had one argument, and he was gone. He wasn't willing to try to talk about it and make it work. That's his pattern.

 

You are banking on his potential to change, and he's shown himself to be a bad investment so far. I hate to see you go down this path because you do have a lot to loose. Your time, energy, self-esteem, self-worth, the list goes on.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes I did think he wanted to make it work in the past but we never really talked about how we would approach our issues properly. I just went with the flow and it ended up with him freaking out and ending it whenever we had an upset. But I think this time he would like to do the distance.

 

 

I have no intention of going back into a similar situation again. That's why I am going to make sure this time he understands that he has to make major changes within himself if we were to try again. He needs to be more emotionally available. He never use to be so flakey

 

 

I havnt said yes to anything at this point. I have just agreed to meeting up in couple of months down the road to talk about whether its still possible.

 

 

Sigh. Who knows. I have a couple of months to myself so I will still use it to recover and try and move on.

 

 

Maybe by Sep I am singing a totally different tune and have no interest in him whastso ever.

 

And you really think two months will make these changes? I'm sorry, that's just not remotely realistic. Changes like that take YEARS, not a couple months. You're just putting lipstick on a pig right now. When it smears off, it's still a pig.

[mangetout]

One of the fundamental problems is that it's easy for him to say he wants to change, wants to be a family, and wants it to work this time. He might actually mean it at the moment. The problem is that it's much harder when it comes time for action. He's proven that when something makes it uncomfortable, he's not really willing to make any changes. You had one argument, and he was gone. He wasn't willing to try to talk about it and make it work. That's his pattern.

 

You are banking on his potential to change, and he's shown himself to be a bad investment so far. I hate to see you go down this path because you do have a lot to loose. Your time, energy, self-esteem, self-worth, the list goes on.

 

BC this is what I shall be discussing in detail when we meet up. It will really depend on what he says to me at that time as no I am not banking on his potential to change. I am just intrigued to see how he will convince me that he has changed.

 

 

But if we did get back together and if it didn't work out, I doubt that my time and energy would be wasted. I know that a hiccup will turn up at the early stages and I certainly wont be buckling on the floor if he left...I would carry on living the life of a single girl. My self esteem wont go down the pan

[mangetout]

And you really think two months will make these changes? I'm sorry, that's just not remotely realistic. Changes like that take YEARS, not a couple months. You're just putting lipstick on a pig right now. When it smears off, it's still a pig.

 

But Simon he never use to run off like that.

You probably don't like cheaters but I think some deserve a second chance pending on the circumstances.

 

 

His was a one off and he confessed immediately. He went to therapy with me, his life was an open book. When I triggered he didn't run off. He was there for me. He DID try to make things as right as possible. For months on end.

 

 

But his guilt affected his libido and that's what we fought mostly about afterwards. We hardly had any sex. This is what broke our relationship up in the end. And since he left last Nov he has been very flakey.

 

 

Look its hard to explain why I still have feelings for him. I just do

[BC1980]

BC this is what I shall be discussing in detail when we meet up. It will really depend on what he says to me at that time as no I am not banking on his potential to change. I am just intrigued to see how he will convince me that he has changed.

 

 

But if we did get back together and if it didn't work out, I doubt that my time and energy would be wasted. I know that a hiccup will turn up at the early stages and I certainly wont be buckling on the floor if he left...I would carry on living the life of a single girl. My self esteem wont go down the pan

 

Just be wary. It's not up to him to verbally convince you he has changed, but it's up to him to show it in his actions over time. A lot of time. He's pretty much bankrupted your trust in him sticking around. My fear is that you will be walking on egg shells, afraid to do or say anything that might trigger him leaving. I would even worry that he won't be open to any conversation about why he just up and leaves at the first sign of any problem.

 

People with those types of patterns thrive on people like you taking them back every time. They don't have deep meaningful relationships because they vanish when it suits them. They brush off the problems or blame it on you.

 

Has he ever been open to discussing why he left before? I just can't imagine him being the type to want to sit down and discuss how to make it work. It seems like you do all the changing, molding, bending, all in a way to suit his needs and avoid him leaving. What is he doing to change?

Edited August 1, 2014 by BC1980

[BC1980]

But Simon he never use to run off like that.

You probably don't like cheaters but I think some deserve a second chance pending on the circumstances.

 

 

His was a one off and he confessed immediately. He went to therapy with me, his life was an open book. When I triggered he didn't run off. He was there for me. He DID try to make things as right as possible. For months on end.

 

 

But his guilt affected his libido and that's what we fought mostly about afterwards. We hardly had any sex. This is what broke our relationship up in the end. And since he left last Nov he has been very flakey.

 

 

Look its hard to explain why I still have feelings for him. I just do

 

I don't even know if the cheating is the point anymore. We understand that you still love him, and that's okay. You can't stop loving someone so easily, but there comes a point when you have to start looking at someone's actions as opposed to all the verbal promises. It's so easy to say things in the moment, and he might mean it at the time. It's like going on a diet. You can be very determined until that piece if chocolate cake is put in front of you. It's easy to say you want to go on a diet, but it's not so easy when you are faced with a real life choice.

[Simon Phoenix]

But Simon he never use to run off like that.

You probably don't like cheaters but I think some deserve a second chance pending on the circumstances.

 

 

His was a one off and he confessed immediately. He went to therapy with me, his life was an open book. When I triggered he didn't run off. He was there for me. He DID try to make things as right as possible. For months on end.

 

 

But his guilt affected his libido and that's what we fought mostly about afterwards. We hardly had any sex. This is what broke our relationship up in the end. And since he left last Nov he has been very flakey.

 

 

Look its hard to explain why I still have feelings for him. I just do

 

I detest cheaters, but like BC said, I don't even think that is the main issue with this guy anymore. Though I will say that you being accommodating with his cheating (be it once or several times) might have laid the groundwork in his mind for him to rubberband back and forth on you at his convenience. He knows that he can do whatever he likes and you are going to be there.

 

But yeah, the fact that this guy cheated once is low on the totem pole of issues.

[flight E]

Be wary of this guy. I doubt that a guy loses libido because he cheated. It's more like he doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore

[music_and_poetry]

Man I read through this whole thread. This **** could be a soap opera. Seriously. Personally I think he sounds like an ass but I'm going to go ahead and suggest something different. Let him go between now and September. No contact between now and then. Work on yourself, reclaim your pride and become a champion of yourself. Date others. Yes I said it. I want you going on a minimum of 1-2 dates a week. Just do it.

 

When September rolls around. Say your piece and keep your wall way up. If he claims to really want another chance, start by seeing him once every 1-2 weeks for dates (no sex, no heavy stuff, just light dating). Continue to date others in the meantime. It's ok if he knows about this. You need to stay in this phase for a while. At least 4-6 months. This is a way to test him to see if he can "step up" for a longer period of time. In the mean time you are still getting on with yourself so win win. If he makes an exit, hold the door wide open and be thankful you didn't stop your life a 6th time for him. If he makes it through this phase (which really needs to be long) and his intention hasn't changed or wavered, you can consider taking him seriously again. Even so, you can't just go back to where you were 6 months ago, you have to build something new. During this phase, you might realize he'll never be able to build that with you. That's ok! Good thing you have a plethora of awesome men you've been dating. It will work out either way but you need to beat this cycle. Change the game and own it!

[BC1980]

But Simon he never use to run off like that.

You probably don't like cheaters but I think some deserve a second chance pending on the circumstances.

 

 

His was a one off and he confessed immediately. He went to therapy with me, his life was an open book. When I triggered he didn't run off. He was there for me. He DID try to make things as right as possible. For months on end.

 

 

But his guilt affected his libido and that's what we fought mostly about afterwards. We hardly had any sex. This is what broke our relationship up in the end. And since he left last Nov he has been very flakey.

 

 

Look its hard to explain why I still have feelings for him. I just do

 

I wonder why he bolts at any sign of trouble now. Does it even have anything to do with the cheating?

[mangetout]

I wonder why he bolts at any sign of trouble now. Does it even have anything to do with the cheating?

 

No I don't believe so BC. I don't think he even knows why he has become this way but I do know that his lack of libido is depressing him. Like it does with any man who suffers from ED.

 

 

When I have asked him in the past why he runs as soon as we have a problem he says its because he doesn't think we are both ready to reconcile.

But he is also afraid of losing me if he completely lets me go

[mangetout]

I detest cheaters, but like BC said, I don't even think that is the main issue with this guy anymore. Though I will say that you being accommodating with his cheating (be it once or several times) might have laid the groundwork in his mind for him to rubberband back and forth on you at his convenience. He knows that he can do whatever he likes and you are going to be there.

 

But yeah, the fact that this guy cheated once is low on the totem pole of issues.

 

Simon I agree with you that what he did was appalling. It hurt me to the core. I became depressed, went on anti depressants and crashed my car. But that's the past now and I have forgiven him and want to move on from that.

 

 

I also know that my ex is really hurting from all of this. Its not like he is gloating and thinking that he can have me back with a snap of his finger. This man is still very in love with me but he is alos very, very confused.

 

 

I guess we both find it hard to let go of each other because we do still love each other despite this chaos. Our heads say let go, heart says stay and work it out

 

 

Even his mum hopes we will get back together. I have blocked her number by the way

[mangetout]

Be wary of this guy. I doubt that a guy loses libido because he cheated. It's more like he doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore

 

That's not true. He is attracted to me.

 

 

He suffers from ED. Be glad that you don't have that issue/ I cant imagine any thing more frustrating when you want sex but your pecker says no

[mangetout]

Man I read through this whole thread. This **** could be a soap opera. Seriously. Personally I think he sounds like an ass but I'm going to go ahead and suggest something different. Let him go between now and September. No contact between now and then. Work on yourself, reclaim your pride and become a champion of yourself. Date others. Yes I said it. I want you going on a minimum of 1-2 dates a week. Just do it.

 

When September rolls around. Say your piece and keep your wall way up. If he claims to really want another chance, start by seeing him once every 1-2 weeks for dates (no sex, no heavy stuff, just light dating). Continue to date others in the meantime. It's ok if he knows about this. You need to stay in this phase for a while. At least 4-6 months. This is a way to test him to see if he can "step up" for a longer period of time. In the mean time you are still getting on with yourself so win win. If he makes an exit, hold the door wide open and be thankful you didn't stop your life a 6th time for him. If he makes it through this phase (which really needs to be long) and his intention hasn't changed or wavered, you can consider taking him seriously again. Even so, you can't just go back to where you were 6 months ago, you have to build something new. During this phase, you might realize he'll never be able to build that with you. That's ok! Good thing you have a plethora of awesome men you've been dating. It will work out either way but you need to beat this cycle. Change the game and own it!

 

Excellent plan. Its exactly what I am doing. I am currently on Match.com and have no intention of deleting my profile for a long while. We are also not in contact so I have the space to reflect.

 

 

I have no intention of going backwards.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon I agree with you that what he did was appalling. It hurt me to the core. I became depressed, went on anti depressants and crashed my car. But that's the past now and I have forgiven him and want to move on from that.

 

 

I also know that my ex is really hurting from all of this. Its not like he is gloating and thinking that he can have me back with a snap of his finger. This man is still very in love with me but he is alos very, very confused.

 

 

I guess we both find it hard to let go of each other because we do still love each other despite this chaos. Our heads say let go, heart says stay and work it out

 

 

Even his mum hopes we will get back together. I have blocked her number by the way

 

Once again, the cheating isn't the big issue. And I'm sorry, I don't see much "love" here. I see game-playing by him and codependency from you. Wash, rinse, repeat. I just think that one day you are going to kick yourself in the ass for wasting an inordinate amount of time repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall. I just can't believe you can honestly sit there with a straight face and type what you are typing when the evidence against it is overwhelming. I guess the mind can bend any way it wants to.

[mangetout]

Once again, the cheating isn't the big issue. And I'm sorry, I don't see much "love" here. I see game-playing by him and codependency from you. Wash, rinse, repeat. I just think that one day you are going to kick yourself in the ass for wasting an inordinate amount of time repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall. I just can't believe you can honestly sit there with a straight face and type what you are typing when the evidence against it is overwhelming. I guess the mind can bend any way it wants to.

 

Simon I totally agree with you. Honestly I do. I ought to walk away from this once and for all. But something in me just cant seem to do so and I don't understand why.

 

 

I thought it could be co dependency but why would it be? I run a successful business, have my own house. I don't need him in any shape of form. I am also not afraid of my own company. I travel on a regular basis, have lots of friends, ... I have also been dating the past few months and I know that there are other men out there who can give me a healthier relationship.

 

 

But I cant seem to let my ex go. I have this damn spark with him. I don't know what this spark is. But when we are at peace with each other,we are are perfect. I don't have this rappour with many people in my life. It give me purpose

 

 

Maybe you could shed some light into my destructive thinking

[mangetout]

Once again, the cheating isn't the big issue. And I'm sorry, I don't see much "love" here. I see game-playing by him and codependency from you. Wash, rinse, repeat. I just think that one day you are going to kick yourself in the ass for wasting an inordinate amount of time repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall. I just can't believe you can honestly sit there with a straight face and type what you are typing when the evidence against it is overwhelming. I guess the mind can bend any way it wants to.

 

My ex is definitely NOT intentionally trying to play games with me. He is just a very confused man.

[music_and_poetry]

Simon I totally agree with you. Honestly I do. I ought to walk away from this once and for all. But something in me just cant seem to do so and I don't understand why.

 

 

I thought it could be co dependency but why would it be? I run a successful business, have my own house. I don't need him in any shape of form. I am also not afraid of my own company. I travel on a regular basis, have lots of friends, ... I have also been dating the past few months and I know that there are other men out there who can give me a healthier relationship.

 

 

But I cant seem to let my ex go. I have this damn spark with him. I don't know what this spark is. But when we are at peace with each other,we are are perfect. I don't have this rappour with many people in my life. It give me purpose

 

 

Maybe you could shed some light into my destructive thinking

 

Although I do understand how you feel (believe me I do) I say this with all the love in my heart that you may want to seek some advice from a professional on this situation. It could give you some incredible clarity on the situation. I want you to break this pattern whether it means losing him for good or getting him to commit forever but it can't go on like this. That's the equivalent of torture. That's why I gave you the advice I gave but in all seriousness a professional may be able to help you understand why you feel so attached to him and keen on returning to him. Please think it over.