ChocolateBunny Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I just recently found out that my fiance cheated on me. I've been feeling all sorts of emotions. I'm devastated, enraged, incredibly upset, i feel used, manipulated, disgusted... I could go on and on. He says it was just one time, but I don't believe that for a second. It's just that one time I found out, but I feel like there has to be more. Especially since I caught him flirting with the girl he cheated on me with several times, months after the cheating occurred. I have also caught him flirting with other girls before, and have caught him in a ton of lies. He says he's so guilty and ashamed for what he did, but I don't think his behavior was that of a guilty conscience. We live together, and are engaged, but there are no children involved. So, do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? Or do you think that everyone deserves a second chance? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 HELL NO - you don't forgive him. Look at your threads. He's a liar, he's violent, he's cheated. What more do you need? Do you need him to hit you? Do you need him to have sex with another woman in front of you? You deserve better. Run. Far. Away. NOW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 If you are not married and he is cheating, then you must run from him as fast as you can. Period. End of story. It don't get better than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Chocolate Bunny, The short answer to your question is NO. and have caught him in a ton of lies And how many lies has he got away with, I wonder? Pack you bags now, give him back his ring and move on to find someone who deserves you. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Especially since I caught him flirting with the girl he cheated on me with several times, months after the cheating occurred. I have also caught him flirting with other girls before, and have caught him in a ton of lies.? And you are asking if once a cheater always a cheater? You answered your own question with what you said above. Isn't that a sign of repeated -- unremorseful, unrepentant, indifferent and disrespectful towards you? You think that is going to change? Nope. I'm not sure why women blind themselves and tolerate bad treatment repeatedly all because they need a man. And OP, I'm guilty of it too. When you accept a man that has cheated on you and flirted with other women over and over again, lying to you over and over again -- ALL you teach him is that you're tolerant of that behavior and no matter what he does, you'll take him back again. And when that happens, trust me, he'll do it all over again. And why not? It's because he knows you don't have enough self-respect and self-esteem to be able to walk away. PS: And you posted about this guy having anger issues and him possibly inflicting violence on you. What are you trying to do? You keep posting thread after thread. You keep asking the same questions in different ways. Do you think you will be getting a different answer that will approve of what you're doing? You won't. You understand this is an abusive relationship. Nothing will change. Bad after bad keeps happening but you aren't waking up. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. IT GETS WORSE. Edited April 7, 2014 by Zahara 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChocolateBunny Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 PS: And you posted about this guy having anger issues and him possibly inflicting violence on you. What are you trying to do? You keep posting thread after thread. You keep asking the same questions in different ways. Do you think you will be getting a different answer that will approve of what you're doing? You won't. You understand this is an abusive relationship. Nothing will change. Bad after bad keeps happening but you aren't waking up. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. IT GETS WORSE. Maybe I'm just trying to work up the courage to leave him. I think I feel like if enough people tell me I should leave, then they can't all be wrong. I don't know what I'm thinking. He has me so brainwashed. Every time I decide I'm going to leave he always does something to make me stay. I know deep down that I'm just being manipulated. But I don't want to believe it. And to think that I already had my bags packed just last week. I know that I should just leave but I just can't seem to work up the courage to do it... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Forgive, sure. If you can let go of all that hurt & anger, your soul will be at peace. Take him back & marry him, heck no. Because, yes, once a cheater always a cheater. If he was already with somebody after he put a ring on your finger, this will only get worse from here. Cancel the wedding as soon as possible to get as much of your security deposits back as possible but do not marry. Move out. Don't look back. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 And you are asking if once a cheater always a cheater? You answered your own question with what you said above. Isn't that a sign of repeated -- unremorseful, unrepentant, indifferent and disrespectful towards you? You think that is going to change? Nope. I'm not sure why women blind themselves and tolerate bad treatment repeatedly all because they need a man. And OP, I'm guilty of it too. When you accept a man that has cheated on you and flirted with other women over and over again, lying to you over and over again -- ALL you teach him is that you're tolerant of that behavior and no matter what he does, you'll take him back again. And when that happens, trust me, he'll do it all over again. And why not? It's because he knows you don't have enough self-respect and self-esteem to be able to walk away. PS: And you posted about this guy having anger issues and him possibly inflicting violence on you. What are you trying to do? You keep posting thread after thread. You keep asking the same questions in different ways. Do you think you will be getting a different answer that will approve of what you're doing? You won't. You understand this is an abusive relationship. Nothing will change. Bad after bad keeps happening but you aren't waking up. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. IT GETS WORSE. Hands down the BEST advice you'll get on this subject. You'd be a fool not to listen to it. Run. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I just recently found out that my fiance cheated on me. I've been feeling all sorts of emotions. I'm devastated, enraged, incredibly upset, i feel used, manipulated, disgusted... I could go on and on. He says it was just one time, but I don't believe that for a second. It's just that one time I found out, but I feel like there has to be more. Especially since I caught him flirting with the girl he cheated on me with several times, months after the cheating occurred. I have also caught him flirting with other girls before, and have caught him in a ton of lies. He says he's so guilty and ashamed for what he did, but I don't think his behavior was that of a guilty conscience. We live together, and are engaged, but there are no children involved. So, do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? Or do you think that everyone deserves a second chance? I have never been one to believe that everyone deserves a second chance. It ALWAYS depends on the transgression in question. Personally would NEVER forgive infidelity. For you especially, the flirting, etc. No way for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 (edited) Maybe I'm just trying to work up the courage to leave him. I think I feel like if enough people tell me I should leave, then they can't all be wrong. I don't know what I'm thinking. He has me so brainwashed. Every time I decide I'm going to leave he always does something to make me stay. I know deep down that I'm just being manipulated. But I don't want to believe it. And to think that I already had my bags packed just last week. I know that I should just leave but I just can't seem to work up the courage to do it... Leaving is a difficult thing to do. I've been at that crossroad only to stay and get my self-esteem beaten to crap. Why? Because I was too afraid of what was on the other side. Better to stay with familiar and deal then delve into the unfamiliar. But what are your alternatives? Keep on staying in an abusive relationship? How is that any better than leaving, feeling the pain and hurt, grieving over it and then soon getting to a point of emotional and mental freedom? Understand that the journery in getting over this is temporary. Getting married and settling with an abuser is permanent and life-long torture. You're 18. You're throwing everything away for life-long emotional, mental and possibly physical abuse. The fact that you can't even see right from wrong and are dependent on people here to point it out to you is evident that you're broken from this guy. Can you imagine living the next 10, 20, 30 years with him? I know you moved to another country for this jerk. Get you bags packed. Call your parents. Call your friends. Have them come and get you and keep you away from him. Now. Edited April 7, 2014 by Zahara 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Maybe I'm just trying to work up the courage to leave him. I think I feel like if enough people tell me I should leave, then they can't all be wrong. I don't know what I'm thinking. He has me so brainwashed. Every time I decide I'm going to leave he always does something to make me stay. I know deep down that I'm just being manipulated. But I don't want to believe it. And to think that I already had my bags packed just last week. I know that I should just leave but I just can't seem to work up the courage to do it... I missed that you are 18! Yikes, too young to be considering marriage and certain marriage to a guy like your fiance. Yes, that's what manipulators do. They always find your emotional weakness(es) and try to use that to their advantage to control you. He will succeed time and time again to change your mind and stay UNLESS you break that string NOW. One way to get the ball rolling is by telling someone that the wedding is off and repack and then tell your family friends to make room for your return. Don't look back and don't let this guy change your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 "I really don't think I should be posting the details of what he's done, but let's just say that I've never cried more or felt worse in my entire life." This is what you said about your relationship. How many more days, weeks, months and years would you like to be spending feeling this way? Think OP. Think. You don't need LS to tell you enough times this is bad for you. You already know this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
theediblewoman Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Maybe I'm just trying to work up the courage to leave him. I think I feel like if enough people tell me I should leave, then they can't all be wrong. I don't know what I'm thinking. He has me so brainwashed. Every time I decide I'm going to leave he always does something to make me stay. I know deep down that I'm just being manipulated. But I don't want to believe it. And to think that I already had my bags packed just last week. I know that I should just leave but I just can't seem to work up the courage to do it... I have been there. It's easy for others to tell you to just get up and go,but I'm sure from your standpoint it seems so impossible to do, at least that's how I felt in my own abusive situation. I also didn't really tell anyone around me (friends and family) how bad the relationship was for fear of them judging me for being so weak and letting someone treating me this way.I'm pretty stubborn and consider myself a strong person so I have trouble admitting my need for help. What I would advise is start talking to those you love and trust, they will help you gain the courage you need to leave. You'll feel less alone and this will all seem a little less difficult and insurmountable. I remember telling my sister that I was feeling manipulated and controlled in my relationship, it was hard to actually say those things but it felt so good to not have to deal with those thoughts alone. Now I'm out of this relationship and I could not be more happy. I didn't realize how much the relationship was drawing on me both physically and emotionally. It took me almost 3 years to get out of my situation and I kick myself for staying so long, you know you need to get out, don't waste anymore time. You could be much happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Maybe I'm just trying to work up the courage to leave him. I think I feel like if enough people tell me I should leave, then they can't all be wrong. I don't know what I'm thinking. He has me so brainwashed. Every time I decide I'm going to leave he always does something to make me stay. I know deep down that I'm just being manipulated. But I don't want to believe it. And to think that I already had my bags packed just last week. I know that I should just leave but I just can't seem to work up the courage to do it... For god's sake why so much drama, why do you need "courage" to walk away? He cheated on you for heavens sake. You know he cheats, you know he manipulates you..so.. just. Leave Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_fly_7 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 They only need to cheat on me once and it's over immediately. Why are you settling for less with a man that has no self-control enough to not cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChocolateBunny Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I just thought I would give everyone a little update. I finally decided to end the relationship about two months ago. I found out that he cheated with 8 girls, multiple times each (that he admitted to after I found out from other people and confronted him about it). I had to live with him for about a month after that, because it took some time to plan my move back home, 2000 miles away. So I have been away from him for about a month now, and it has been the hardest thing. We still kept in touch, which was obviously a huge mistake. So I decided to initiate the No Contact rule. I am currently on day three of no contact and it has been incredibly painful and extremely hard to deal with all of this at once. I will be posting on other threads for advice and support. Hopefully this all goes well! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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