Husband leaving..

[tm062503]

[font=arial][/font][color=green][/color]My husband and I first met online, and we corresponded over e-mail/telephone for about 3 months when he decided to come all the way from Sweden to the US to meet me. He didn't have the money so I sent him $600.

 

He came for 2 weeks, and it was the best 2 weeks ever! We we're so infatuated with each other. Then he left and for about 2 months we couldn't stand being away from each other, so my Dad paid for me to fly to Sweden for 1 month. I went to this foreign country by myself, didn't speak a word of the language, all when I was only 18 years old! I was scared out of my pants. I'd never done anything like this in my life. I was Daddy's little girl.

 

My Mom sent with me a ring she wanted to give Thomas if he wanted to propose. (I'll admit, I did pressure my husband to propose.)

 

Now, I stayed with his brother and wife and they treated me really poorly. They never once spoke to me in English, even though it was their 2nd language and spoke it fluently. They complained to my husband that I never talked and they didn't really like me. So about 2 weeks into this, I went to stay with my husband's Dad and Step-Mom. Things were a lot better, but they did tell us we were too young to get married. But of course, we were in love and didn't listen to what anyone had to tell us! They kept telling us this over and over until my husband finally proposed.

 

Then I went home. I was hearing we were too young from all directions and my best friend was telling me to keep my options open. My ex-boyfriend contacted me and he and my friend convinced me to meet with him. When I did, there were all these mixed emotions.. did I still care about him? Maybe I WAS too young to get married? But I loved my fiance, and I told my ex "I could never be with him again, that I was getting married, and I was happy."

 

That night, I thought maybe my fiance never needed to know any of this, because it meant nothing. I talked to my Mom and she said that if I told him, it would only hurt him, so it was better never said. That night I talked to my fiance and he had some suspicions. He flat out asked me if I had seen someone that night. I told him "no". The next day I told my Dad what happened and he told me I should tell my fiance. By then my concionce was bothering me, and I knew I had to tell him. So I did, and what happened... I'll never forget.

 

He told me he didn't want to get married, and he could never be with someone who lied to him. I begged and pleaded with him to forgive me, and my Dad even talked to him, saying he'd never seen me soo upset.

 

He eventually forgave me, and a couple weeks later my Dad paid for me to go back to Sweden to be with him. My initial plan was to stay for 2 months, but after I got there, we decided I wanted to stay for 3. During this time there was this girl that I just knew liked my fiance, she lived in the same building. She would always say hello in Swedish and never acknowledge me. I was furious, and accused him of liking her back. (Although he never did). But despite this we decided to get married there in Sweden, and we went to the Embassy and extended my stay for another month.

 

We had planned to move back to the States, and my Dad was going to sponsor my husband to come to the US. I came home, and a month later my husband followed. We lived with my Dad for almost a year, and my husband didn't get a job. He mooched off of my Dad, for months, and then when he finally did get a job, he quit 2 weeks later because he said it was too hard. Then he remained jobless for another 3 or 4 months and I was about to go crazy... here my Dad and I had bent over backwards to do everything for him, and he did nothing to show that he appreciated it. I worked from the moment I got back from Sweden. And I worked hard!!!

 

During this time he didn't have a job, he was not affectionate with me at all. We hardly ever made love, kissed, hugged, we never held hands, he never put his arms around me in public. And I was MAD... I was jealous.

 

Then... this guy at work started showing me that attention I so desperately wanted from my husband. He told me I was beautiful, that I deserved better. And my husband caught me text-messaging this guy saying "I miss you" "I wish you were here". My husband almost left me over this. I begged him and pleaded with him to forgive me again, and I tried explaining why I did it. He said he would pay more attention to me, but he said the reason he had a hard time with it, was because I was accusing him all the time of looking at other girls... etc.

 

But we stuck it out, and we really tried for about a month. Then one night I was laying in bed with him... he thought I was sleeping and I caught him watching "Girls Gone Wild". From the very beginning we both agreed porn was a form of cheating, so I wanted to leave... to give up on us... but he begged and pleaded with me to forgive him, and I did... he could have slept with someone and I would have forgiven him... I love him that much.

 

Then things were going bad again, and he wasnt showing me ANY affection... it was worse than before... and I looked up my ex's (the one from before) phone number. I never called him or anything, but my husband wanted to leave me YET AGAIN! I begged again, and he stayed. Then things were going really good for a while... He actually got a job! We moved out from my Dad's house, and we were doing good. But then he started acting the way he did before.. not showing affection, not telling me he loved me unless I said it first, and the sex was non existant. Again... I felt like he didn't love me and I felt that he wasn't attracted to me.. I felt that he was embarrassed by me, and that that was why he never was affectionate with me in public. So I looked up my ex again... but this time I called him.. we talked for about 10 mins, and that was it... there was nothing there. A little while later I came to my senses and realized I made a mistake, and went home immediately. I decided it wasn't worth worrying my husband about, I just wanted to talk about the whole 'being affectionate thing'. When I got home, he had looked online and found that I looked up my ex, and he confronted me... I told him that I tried calling him, but I left out one small detail.... that I actually talked to him.

 

He told me again he wanted to leave me... and he wouldnt budge this time. No matter how much pleading or begging or crying I did. I went to live with my Mom in Vegas. She got me a job there, but I hated it.. I wanted to be back home with my husband. Despite everything, I love him! 2 1/2 weeks later he asked me to come home... so I did, I suprised him by flying home the next day.

 

We were sooooooo happy to be back together. But my concionce was bothering me about not telling him I had actually talked to my ex. So one night, while we were enjoying dinner and wine, I told him. He forgave me again....

 

But about 2 months later.... this is where we are...

 

He told me he cant ever forget what I did and its making him go crazy. He's bought his ticket back to Sweden, and this time I think its for real.

 

I don't want him to leave.... I love him. I regret all the things I've done. I will never forgive myself for doing this to us. I feel that its all my fault. I just want to go back in time and fix everything. I can't imagine my life without him....

[Something Blue]

Read a book titled "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley. Check it out from a library or buy it. It will basically teach you some valuable information you need to know about meeting your husband's emotional needs and ultimately building a solid marriage.

 

From the tone of your post, your immediate goal is to ensure your husband stays. Granted, the only one that has any control over that is your husband. But this book will at least help you realize what needs are most important to your husband, and once you know that, you can hopefully begin to successfully meet them.

 

The point of all of this is that by meeting his needs, you can restore the love he has/had for you, thus increasing the likelihood that he stays. By no means am I an expert though, nor am I even articulating it all properly like I wish I could, so I strongly suggest you just read the book and learn all you can from that. I checked it out from my library recently and I highly recommend it for all married couples, whether their marriages are in trouble or not.

 

Also, I would suggest that you check out Dr. Harley's website, which you can find if you type his name into Google. Or if you can't find it that way, just PM me and can tell you that way. I would list it here, but I pretty sure that kind of stuff gets edited out.

 

Anyways, his website has some excellent forums, where many people going through similar marriage issues are very helpful and informative.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think the problem is this:

 

I did pressure my husband to propose.

 

He told me he didn't want to get married.

 

Everything else you wrote is painfully indicative of that. I don't know if its a matter of your husband not wanting to forgive you, I think its a matter of him using that as a handy excuse to walk out of a marriage that he doesn't want to be in. I see no good way out of this one. Neither of you fulfills the other's needs. Your family has shelled out big time money on him, his family dislikes you, he didn't want to be married and only did so under pressure, you are jealous and controlling, he is defensive and cold toward you - basically a recipe for disaster. Terrible. I feel badly for you both.