To get them back: No contact vs Some contact

[Simon Phoenix]

This is the first meet up I've asked for. She's been the one to come to me otherwise. I don't know. I'm not going to be dramatic that's for sure. I just want to lay down where I'm at, and what I expect. If she's going to keep turning up and random texts then I can't move on. I'm sure you guys have been there before? I want it to stop, unless she's ready to talk about us.

 

Maybe I just meet her, have lunch and not say anything about us just catch up.

 

We've been there to know that it's a very, very, very foolish idea. And saying anything in regards to the broken relationship is dramatic. And what's the point of "catching up" if she doesn't want to be with you? That's absolutely counterproductive and reinforces her desire to have you as her "buddy". I mean, why can't you just stand on your own two feet and try to help yourself? You haven't even tried to start the process of moving forward.

 

I know you are looking for any and every excuse in the world to chase this woman and beg for her back. We're on page nine and you are still doing mental gymnastics to validate contact. I mean, you're going to do it anyway, you've wanted to do it anyway and you really haven't listened, so I guess just do it. Maybe you need to be bashed in the face by a 2x4 emotionally 14 times for this to sink in. I hope that doesn't happen, but odds aren't in your favor.

[spicelover]

I know you are looking for any and every excuse in the world to chase this woman and beg for her back.

 

I kind of am now yeah. I don't mind what you're saying Simon I like your honesty... I can tell you now though I haven't begged for her once. I've only ever said nice things to her to let her know I'm here for her because I know she's having a really hard time with life in general right now.

 

She left me - yes. I get it, but after reading more about BPD I can see why she did it. I just don't want to leave any stone unturned. This is it for me I'm absolutely prepared to walk away today knowing it's 100% over. But at least I'll be able to know in my heart I tried and didn't abandon her when she was at her lowest.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

This is the first meet up I've asked for. She's been the one to come to me otherwise. I don't know. I'm not going to be dramatic that's for sure. I just want to lay down where I'm at, and what I expect. If she's going to keep turning up and random texts then I can't move on. I'm sure you guys have been there before? I want it to stop, unless she's ready to talk about us.

 

Maybe I just meet her, have lunch and not say anything about us just catch up.

 

You're definatly laying down that's for sure....like a dog would when the master tells them to sit.

 

Yes we've all been there before THAT'S WHY WE'RE SAYING THIS IS A BAD IDEA. You know when it will stop? When you stop contacting her and move on.

 

You're going to do it no matter how blue our faces turn. If I had a nickel for every thread like this where someone tries to say how different and unique their situation is....

 

Fyi, you're using the BPD as an excuse. She didn't want to be with you. Not because of a disorder.

Edited April 22, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Simon Phoenix]

I kind of am now yeah. I don't mind what you're saying Simon I like your honesty... I can tell you now though I haven't begged for her once. I've only ever said nice things to her to let her know I'm here for her because I know she's having a really hard time with life in general right now.

 

She left me - yes. I get it, but after reading more about BPD I can see why she did it. I just don't want to leave any stone unturned. This is it for me I'm absolutely prepared to walk away today knowing it's 100% over. But at least I'll be able to know in my heart I tried and didn't abandon her when she was at her lowest.

 

What you don't seem to understand is that every time you reach out you might as well be begging. She knows what you want dude. She knows you are there, because you don't have the backbone to not be there. There are no stones to unturn -- she left you and that BPD stuff was posted to prompt you to run the f--k away, not to be a hopeless sap who is the victim of her flipping and flopping due to this disorder. The BPD stuff wasn't posted to say "Hey spicelover, just make a transparent, ill-advised plea that doesn't work except in romantic comedies". It was to tell you to run the f--k away, not double down.

 

She thinks you're a sap because you are a sap with little self-control. Like I said before, being a nice guy does not mean being a pushover. You don't seem to understand that either.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're definatly laying down that's for sure....like a dog would when the master tells them to sit.

 

Yes we've all been there before THAT'S WHY WE'RE SAYING THIS IS A BAD IDEA. You know when it will stop? When you stop contacting her and move on.

 

You're going to do it no matter how blue our faces turn. If I had a nickel for every thread like this where someone tries to say how different and unique their situation is....

 

Fyi, you're using the BPD as an excuse. She didn't want to be with you. Not because of a disorder.

 

Yep, I really can't fathom how he read all of that and thought it was a good thing as far as chasing and getting in contact. What he doesn't understand is that he's trying to "be there" for a woman who doesn't want him there, at least not in the role of a boyfriend/husband. Being there when someone has fired or demoted you is absurd.

[BC1980]

Nah, I'll be ok. I'm just sick of starting to feel better, and then her just crashing back into my life. I need to set her straight so I can close the door properly. It was a very dramatic and quick ending, and my head has been spinning ever since. I need proper closure - for me.

 

The problem is that you think you need her for closure. You don't need to have someone slam the door in your face countless times to have closure. This whole idea of needing closure from her is just an excuse to stall the moving on process. I know because I've been there. I did the same stuff you are doing. I played the same games with myself until I finally stopped the insanity. It was hard and scary, but it had to be done. At the end of the day, you will only have yourself to blame, and only you can move forward and dig yourself out of this hole.

 

Go NC now. Stop seeing your decisions in reference to her. Do a complete 180. It's going to be hard for awhile, but if you stick with it, you will get better in time. You have to do it now or later. Just do it now, and be done with it. Anything else is literally a waste of your life at this point.

[BC1980]

She left me - yes. I get it, but after reading more about BPD I can see why she did it. I just don't want to leave any stone unturned. This is it for me I'm absolutely prepared to walk away today knowing it's 100% over. But at least I'll be able to know in my heart I tried and didn't abandon her when she was at her lowest.

 

It's not your job to fix people to the point that they want to be with you. D@mn, that seems like a lot of work. It's not your job to diagnose her with BPD and then try to treat her.

 

Also, you don't just magically accept it's over. True acceptance comes with time. You learn to accept it piece by piece over the weeks and months.

[spicelover]

So we met, and it's over

 

She wouldn't date me yet, and said she still needs time to organise her life as she's not happy in herself. I said that's fine, and I'm moving on. That was that. A lot of talking around in circles, but that was the end of it yeah.

 

She kept saying that the only reason I wanted to get "closure" is so I could move on and meet other women, I said that's not the case, but whatever she wants to think hey.

 

All good

[Simon Phoenix]

I hope. I just have a feeling that this saga isn't over from her end or yours.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So we met, and it's over

 

She wouldn't date me yet, and said she still needs time to organise her life as she's not happy in herself. I said that's fine, and I'm moving on. That was that. A lot of talking around in circles, but that was the end of it yeah.

 

She kept saying that the only reason I wanted to get "closure" is so I could move on and meet other women, I said that's not the case, but whatever she wants to think hey.

 

All good

 

"TAKE ME DOWN TO THE BREADCRUMB CITY.."

 

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vnCXMHtHVrc/T51vgofBISI/AAAAAAAAAKo/qA9HsMVjjrc/s1600/Guns-N-Roses-GIF-guns-n-roses-15310439-320-240.gif

[spicelover]

No it's over. I can't keep on the way I was. She said we have to let each other go to know what we really want. She's so gone it's not funny. I've never seen her like that.

 

It actually killed off the last bit of excitement in my heart, so yeah... I'm just focusing on myself now. Sad, but there will be someone else when I'm ready

[spicelover]

Just some notes on how some of the conversation went for anyone interested if you're going through something similar:

 

• She still couldn't get past the fact I had an ex-wife and thought herself as a "rebound" for me
  
• She thinks I used her to make my ex-wife jealous by projecting our "perfect relationship"
  
• She said some harsh stuff like "all of my friends think I look so much happier now", which is hurtful, as when we were together she used to say stuff like "all of my friends say I've never looked so happy" hmmm
  
• All of my friends are trying to set me up again, and want me to "get back in the saddle" - nice
  
• She accused me of "keeping tabs" on her as one of our mutual friends was on the phone to her boss (as he's a client), and said to say hello to her. So she instantly thought I was using him to SPY on her... the paranoia in this girl OMFG
  
• When I suggested she moved back in with her original housemate (she's really lost right now), she accused me of wanting to spy on her lol... I don't know why she thinks I'd want to spy on her
  
• She asked if she could block me on Facebook (I'd already unfriended her), and she said that it was too painful to see my posts. I said why don't you just not look at my page? She said she couldn't help it... so I blocked her when I got back to work to save her the bother, and also unfriended all of her friends just in case
  
• She wouldn't see a counsellor together as she wants to work her own life out first (fair enough)
  

 

Now, keep in mind this girl was apparently head over heels for me and wanted marriage and kids only days before she went nuts. I definitely think BPD after spending some time on the suggested forums. I knew it would be a hard conversation with her, but I've asked her to now respect my boundaries and wishes about leaving me alone to move on.

 

Very big lesson learned in life from her, and I'm sad to say I'm probably now going to have even bigger trust issues with someone new. First being cheated on by my wife, and now someone who led me right down the garden path and was a commitment-phobe crazy - I should have seen the warning signs.

 

Now I'm not sad at least. I'm just empty and numb.

Edited April 22, 2014 by spicelover
Added a dot point

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Just some notes on how some of the conversation went for anyone interested if you're going through something similar:

 

• She still couldn't get past the fact I had an ex-wife and thought herself as a "rebound" for me
  
• She thinks I used her to make my ex-wife jealous by projecting our "perfect relationship"
  
• She said some harsh stuff like "all of my friends think I look so much happier now", which is hurtful, as when we were together she used to say stuff like "all of my friends say I've never looked so happy" hmmm
  
• All of my friends are trying to set me up again, and want me to "get back in the saddle" - nice
  
• She accused me of "keeping tabs" on her as one of our mutual friends was on the phone to her boss (as he's a client), and said to say hello to her. So she instantly thought I was using him to SPY on her... the paranoia in this girl OMFG
  
• When I suggested she moved back in with her original housemate (she's really lost right now), she accused me of wanting to spy on her lol... I don't know why she thinks I'd want to spy on her
  
• She asked if she could block me on Facebook (I'd already unfriended her), and she said that it was too painful to see my posts. I said why don't you just not look at my page? She said she couldn't help it... so I blocked her when I got back to work to save her the bother, and also unfriended all of her friends just in case
  
• She wouldn't see a counsellor together as she wants to work her own life out first (fair enough)
  

 

Now, keep in mind this girl was apparently head over heels for me and wanted marriage and kids only days before she went nuts. I definitely think BPD after spending some time on the suggested forums. I knew it would be a hard conversation with her, but I've asked her to now respect my boundaries and wishes about leaving me alone to move on.

 

Very big lesson learned in life from her, and I'm sad to say I'm probably now going to have even bigger trust issues with someone new. First being cheated on by my wife, and now someone who led me right down the garden path and was a commitment-phobe crazy - I should have seen the warning signs.

 

Now I'm not sad at least. I'm just empty and numb.

 

I'm seeing something here....

 

You can keep being Dr. Spice and keep self diagnosing and reading into everything.... All the meeting did was cause more crap in your head. She's putting blame on you so she feels less guilty. Happens a LOT. All the "spying" and whatever is just excuses to make you look like the bad guy so she can go do what she wants. I dont remember if you said there is somebody else that she was seeing.....but there a large chance she is crushing on someone right now. Even with her friends "getting her back out there" or whatever crap was spewed. You are going to see her with someone probably real soon and she will try and say it was much after, but I can bet there were at least pretty close before the BU. She did say she only wanted to be friends....again, easing guilt. Usually, a guilty party has something they are hiding.

 

She doesnt want to see a counselor because she doesnt want to be with you. She said "She wants to work out her problems FIRST" which then gives you that "maybe one day" feeling....which again, you are on the friend hook. Second place...backup plan.

 

Sucks, but thats what it is.

[Haydn]

Not sure, I got back with a few ex`s after 6 months or so in the past. Usually by a chance meeting or right place right time. No communication before then though. Can happen. But i guess you are probably hoping?

[Downtown]

Spice, thanks for giving us an update and a description of what was said. As you know, my view is that you dodged a bullet. I nonetheless share Haydn's opinion that there is a good chance this bullet will ricochet off another guy or two and return.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Spice, thanks for giving us an update and a description of what was said. As you know, my view is that you dodged a bullet. I nonetheless share Haydn's opinion that there is a good chance this bullet will ricochet off another guy or two and return.

 

How do you figure?

[hurts2death]

no contact is better to win them because you ersae completely old relationship and you become new. so there is more chance to fall again with them as new rather trolling with low contact and old relationship status.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

no contact is better to win them because you ersae completely old relationship and you become new. so there is more chance to fall again with them as new rather trolling with low contact and old relationship status.

 

You don't "win them." They arent some carnival prize.

 

Reconciliations happen when BOTH parties want it, not just one. No contact is not going to WIN anyone.

 

Come on hurt. We've been over this for months now.

[Downtown]

How do you figure?

CHB, that's how emotionally unstable people behave. Moreover, because BPDers hate to be alone and fear abandonment, they tend to rely on triangulation a lot -- playing one person off another. On top of all that, after devaluing you for months, a BPDer may flip -- in just ten seconds -- to idealizing you again. This assumes, of course, that Spice's therapist is correct about his exGF being a BPDer.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

CHB, that's how emotionally unstable people behave. Moreover, because BPDers hate to be alone and fear abandonment, they tend to rely on triangulation a lot -- playing one person off another. On top of all that, after devaluing you for months, a BPDer may flip -- in just ten seconds -- to idealizing you again. This assumes, of course, that Spice's therapist is correct about his exGF being a BPDer.

 

Gotcha. Just curious. I appreciate your input.

 

While BPD is a very real and heartbreaking disorder, I feel that it's only giving the OP a crutch to lean on with his situation. Spice, she may be Bi-Polar....OR she may not be. Either way, it's not up to you to fix her or read into anything. In addition, just because some people with BPD do what Downtown mentioned DOES NOT MEAN YOUR EX WILL DO THAT. This is the line that is way too murky on here. Just because a person shows signs of something does NOT mean they will do it. This deals with EVERYTHING on here which includes stuff "Grass is Greener Syndrome"

 

It seems pretty clear, like I mentioned, that she is placing blame on you to make herself feel less guilty about it. I've seen it way too many times. Hell, my ex did that too. Swore to me that I was the one, she loved me so much, that she is coming back, and that we were to be married. That quickly turned into what your ex is doing. Almost carbon copy. Not saying that what is happening here, but I'm willing to bet a LOT of money that it is. I've seen it WAY too much on here.

 

Just saying......take everything at face value. Words are just words at the end of the day. Actions speak. Even though she say what she said to you days before, none of that matters. Her actions are saying she is done and done for good. Go with that.

Edited April 22, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Haydn]

i can relate to all this spice.

Just some notes on how some of the conversation went for anyone interested if you're going through something similar:

 

• She still couldn't get past the fact I had an ex-wife and thought herself as a "rebound" for me
  
• She thinks I used her to make my ex-wife jealous by projecting our "perfect relationship"
  
• She said some harsh stuff like "all of my friends think I look so much happier now", which is hurtful, as when we were together she used to say stuff like "all of my friends say I've never looked so happy" hmmm
  
• All of my friends are trying to set me up again, and want me to "get back in the saddle" - nice
  
• She accused me of "keeping tabs" on her as one of our mutual friends was on the phone to her boss (as he's a client), and said to say hello to her. So she instantly thought I was using him to SPY on her... the paranoia in this girl OMFG
  
• When I suggested she moved back in with her original housemate (she's really lost right now), she accused me of wanting to spy on her lol... I don't know why she thinks I'd want to spy on her
  
• She asked if she could block me on Facebook (I'd already unfriended her), and she said that it was too painful to see my posts. I said why don't you just not look at my page? She said she couldn't help it... so I blocked her when I got back to work to save her the bother, and also unfriended all of her friends just in case
  
• She wouldn't see a counsellor together as she wants to work her own life out first (fair enough)
  

Now, keep in mind this girl was apparently head over heels for me and wanted marriage and kids only days before she went nuts. I definitely think BPD after spending some time on the suggested forums. I knew it would be a hard conversation with her, but I've asked her to now respect my boundaries and wishes about leaving me alone to move on.

 

Very big lesson learned in life from her, and I'm sad to say I'm probably now going to have even bigger trust issues with someone new. First being cheated on by my wife, and now someone who led me right down the garden path and was a commitment-phobe crazy - I should have seen the warning signs.

 

Now I'm not sad at least. I'm just empty and numb.

[spicelover]

Thanks CHB and Downtown, and everyone really

 

I've had a bunch of emails from her tonight tearing shreds off me about how I apparently "used" her to get back at my ex-wife, and how I saw her coming a mile away and just used her for everything. She's very upset and angry with me. I don't understand. I bit a little and wrote back, but she's just gone a little crazy so I've stopped with the emails.

 

Every time I communicate with her is making me just think I'm better off without her. I should change the title of this thread. I don't think the contact vs little contact thing really applies anymore. She's really not the person I was with. I am starting to get a little scared.

 

One thing I did mention in my couple of emails to her, was that I urged her to do a little reading on BPD, and I hope she takes it seriously. She's gone quiet again, so I hope she's busy reading for her own sake

[spicelover]

My last words to one of her ridiculous emails were:

 

The sad part is you find the negatives in every positive step I move forward.

 

But if you are going to treat me the way you are, I'm better off alone. I love you. But I love me more.

 

My boundaries are set. If you want to work on things, I will. If you don't, then leave me alone. I won't be around someone who treats me any less than I deserve.

 

No reply. I am excited about tomorrow. I will wake up and start my new life not worrying about what she's thinking or what she wants.

[BC1980]

You really need to go NC and stop putting energy into this.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks CHB and Downtown, and everyone really

 

I've had a bunch of emails from her tonight tearing shreds off me about how I apparently "used" her to get back at my ex-wife, and how I saw her coming a mile away and just used her for everything. She's very upset and angry with me. I don't understand. I bit a little and wrote back, but she's just gone a little crazy so I've stopped with the emails.

 

Every time I communicate with her is making me just think I'm better off without her. I should change the title of this thread. I don't think the contact vs little contact thing really applies anymore. She's really not the person I was with. I am starting to get a little scared.

 

One thing I did mention in my couple of emails to her, was that I urged her to do a little reading on BPD, and I hope she takes it seriously. She's gone quiet again, so I hope she's busy reading for her own sake

 

Dude, I thought it was over. STOP TALKING TO HER!!!! This is exactly the reason why everyone was harping on you to not go through the meet, because it would open up a can of worms. Stop trying to get her to acknowledge she has BPD (she might not) and LEAVE IT ALONE!!