To get them back: No contact vs Some contact

[Simon Phoenix]

My last words to one of her ridiculous emails were:

 

The sad part is you find the negatives in every positive step I move forward.

 

But if you are going to treat me the way you are, I'm better off alone. I love you. But I love me more.

 

My boundaries are set. If you want to work on things, I will. If you don't, then leave me alone. I won't be around someone who treats me any less than I deserve.

 

No reply. I am excited about tomorrow. I will wake up and start my new life not worrying about what she's thinking or what she wants.

 

I'll believe this when I see this. No offense, but you've shown very little self-control throughout this. I seriously doubt you won't engage her, or even chase after her. I hope I'm wrong, but I've been hoping that I was wrong this whole thread and I haven't been yet. Prove me wrong and shut me up please.

[spicelover]

I'll believe this when I see this. No offense, but you've shown very little self-control throughout this. I seriously doubt you won't engage her, or even chase after her. I hope I'm wrong, but I've been hoping that I was wrong this whole thread and I haven't been yet. Prove me wrong and shut me up please.

 

Oh you have no idea Simon. I'm actually scared of her now. The tirade of emails last night. I've just woken up and found more and she's said she's coming into my work again today. To that one I've replied not to and she said she is anyway. I've repeatedly asked her not to. She's losing it now. I'm actually dreading the day.

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh you have no idea Simon. I'm actually scared of her now. The tirade of emails last night. I've just woken up and found more and she's said she's coming into my work again today. To that one I've replied not to and she said she is anyway. I've repeatedly asked her not to. She's losing it now. I'm actually dreading the day.

 

I would alert your supervisor and let him or her know that she's coming to the building and that she's not welcome. But yeah, that's what you were supposed to talk to her about, to stop popping in to your office to say hi! Remember? See, you basically unleashed the whole can of worms. Too much drama man.

 

Either way, you need to let security or your supervisor know. You can't have that s--t in your office.

[spicelover]

It's exactly what I asked her not to do. She's ignoring what I'm asking. The last email last night from me was "No emails. No texts. No calls. No visiting."

[Simon Phoenix]

It's exactly what I asked her not to do. She's ignoring what I'm asking. The last email last night from me was "No emails. No texts. No calls. No visiting."

 

Not surprised. You didn't get closure -- you kicked the hornet's nest. Block her on phone, social media and e-mail and do what I suggest for when she comes to this work. And please, please, please stop engaging this woman.

[Downtown]

I am starting to get a little scared.

Finally! That's a good sign. Means you're starting to close the gap between your intellectual understanding and your feelings (i.e., the "inner child"). If your exGF is an untreated BPDer, you should be scared of being sucked back into a toxic relationship with her.

One thing I did mention in my couple of emails to her, was that I urged her to do a little reading on BPD, and I hope she takes it seriously.

If she does read about it, she almost certainly will come away convinced that YOU are the one having strong BPD traits. As I said, you really should not tell her about it. But this is a case of "Do as I say," not "Do as I do."

 

What I actually did, at the end of my marriage, was to put a copy of a BPD book into a box of things my exW was picking up. Like you, I felt I couldn't sleep well at night if I were to leave any stone unturned. The result, of course, is that my exW immediately became convinced that I am the BPDer. Never mind that SHE was the one who had been sexually molested by her own father for several years during childhood.

[Downtown]

Just because some people with BPD do what Downtown mentioned DOES NOT MEAN YOUR EX WILL DO THAT.

It does mean that if she is a BPDer, as the therapist believes. That is, she will exhibit most of the BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. "BPD," by the way, commonly refers to Borderline Personality Disorder, not bipolar disorder.

Just because a person shows signs of something does NOT mean they will do it.

On the contrary, it does mean that when a person is showing strong signs of BPD or another PD. With PDs, "showing signs" and "doing it" are the same thing. Granted, what you say is true for every medical field, CHB. Just because a person "shows signs" of breast cancer or chickenpox does not mean she will necessarily have those disorders. Moreover, even if she has the disorders, she may not exhibit any of the symptoms typically associated with those disorders. Hence, a person testing positive for chickenpox definitely has that disease regardless of whether any symptoms are present or not. The reason is that, in all medical fields, the symptoms and disorders are two separate things.

 

In the field of psychiatry, however, "symptoms" and "disorders" are exactly the same thing whenever one is talking about personality disorders. For all ten PDs, there are no known diseases that cause them. Hence, psychologists use the term "disorder" in this case (e.g., BPD) to refer to a set of symptoms (which technically is called a "syndrome").

 

The result is that, when a person has been exhibiting most of BPD symptoms (i.e., the "signs" as you say) at a strong level for many years, a psychologist will say that this person "has BPD." That is, "showing strong persistent symptoms" and "having BPD" are the same thing. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. The psychologist does not have to look for a disease because it is generally believed that no disease exists. This, by the way, is why BPD cannot be cured. There is no disease to cure.

[na49]

As someone who got back together with his ex and is still with her, making them come to you is definitely your best bet. (so I vote NC)

[spicelover]

Finally! That's a good sign. Means you're starting to close the gap between your intellectual understanding and your feelings (i.e., the "inner child"). If your exGF is an untreated BPDer, you should be scared of being sucked back into a toxic relationship with her.

If she does read about it, she almost certainly will come away convinced that YOU are the one having strong BPD traits. As I said, you really should not tell her about it. But this is a case of "Do as I say," not "Do as I do."

 

What I actually did, at the end of my marriage, was to put a copy of a BPD book into a box of things my exW was picking up. Like you, I felt I couldn't sleep well at night if I were to leave any stone unturned. The result, of course, is that my exW immediately became convinced that I am the BPDer. Never mind that SHE was the one who had been sexually molested by her own father for several years during childhood.

 

Yeah she replied and thanked me for "diagnosing" her haha.. oh well all I did was suggest she do some reading for her own sake as I thought she might find interesting. I've asked her not to come near me. She seems to think there's nothing wrong and wrote yet another email and said that I should lighten up and be happy and let's start a fresh day she'll see me later. So I just ignored her. I doubt she'll turn up she's just trying to get a rise out of me.

 

I'm a lot happier today, although feeling pretty empty as I know there isn't a future with her - not from her side by now also my own. Now time to be alone for a while.

[spicelover]

Just in case anyone is interested in BDP... I thought I'd clarify - I still don't know if she's BPD, but 100% possesses a lot of traits I've read. There's certainly something not right.

 

In my very last email after she ignored the suggestion I made that she at least looked BPD up, I sent this and asked her if any of it sounded familiar:

 

Difficulty coping with fear of abandonment and loss;expressing inappropriate anger towards others whom they consider responsible for how they feel; a fragile sense of self and one’s place in the world; frequent questioning and changing of emotions or attitudes towards others, and towards aspects of life such as goals, career, living arrangements.

 

That's her summed up right there. All of it. She loves someone one day, and HATES them the next. She is extremely anxious about everything in her life. She's changed careers/jobs more than anyone I've ever met (went from being high paid executive, to working in a bar, to flight attendant, to massage therapist in 2 years). She's had more rentals and room mates than I can keep up with. She's always been the one to break up with her partner, and she admitted to me once that it was always because she knew they were going to break up with her so she thought she'd get in first.

 

So many warning signs. But love is blind I suppose.

[BC1980]

Ugh to this entire thread.

[spicelover]

Ugh to this entire thread.

 

How is it "ugh" BC? I think putting this stuff up might help someone searching one day. Or someone lurking going through something similar.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

It does mean that if she is a BPDer, as the therapist believes. That is, she will exhibit most of the BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. "BPD," by the way, commonly refers to Borderline Personality Disorder, not bipolar disorder.

On the contrary, it does mean that when a person is showing strong signs of BPD or another PD. With PDs, "showing signs" and "doing it" are the same thing. Granted, what you say is true for every medical field, CHB. Just because a person "shows signs" of breast cancer or chickenpox does not mean she will necessarily have those disorders. Moreover, even if she has the disorders, she may not exhibit any of the symptoms typically associated with those disorders. Hence, a person testing positive for chickenpox definitely has that disease regardless of whether any symptoms are present or not. The reason is that, in all medical fields, the symptoms and disorders are two separate things.

 

In the field of psychiatry, however, "symptoms" and "disorders" are exactly the same thing whenever one is talking about personality disorders. For all ten PDs, there are no known diseases that cause them. Hence, psychologists use the term "disorder" in this case (e.g., BPD) to refer to a set of symptoms (which technically is called a "syndrome").

 

The result is that, when a person has been exhibiting most of BPD symptoms (i.e., the "signs" as you say) at a strong level for many years, a psychologist will say that this person "has BPD." That is, "showing strong persistent symptoms" and "having BPD" are the same thing. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. The psychologist does not have to look for a disease because it is generally believed that no disease exists. This, by the way, is why BPD cannot be cured. There is no disease to cure.

 

I get what you're saying and as usual, I appreciate the input. I was just making sure the OP knew that even if she has whatever, that there wasnt some guarantee that she IS going to come back and do things verbatim that every single person with BPD does.

 

Personally, I think MANY of people on this site use a disorder as an excuse to try and find some certain reason for a breakup. "Oh, she MUST have BPD because she acts like this. Thats why she left" or "Oh, she is totally suffering from Grass is Greener because she is young and left me." People try to pinpoint 1,000 reasons what it could be when, in reality, they probably just dont feel like being in a relationship with you. I think people hide behind huge shields of protective armor to try and understand when sometimes, you just DONT know. Thats why you move on for yourself and get "closure" from yourself because you wont find it in a book at Barnes and Noble.

 

*Edit* Not implying anyone on this thread does. Just making an observation from being on the forums for a bit now.

Edited April 23, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[BC1980]

How is it "ugh" BC? I think putting this stuff up might help someone searching one day. Or someone lurking going through something similar.

 

"Ugh" because it reminds me of how I kept talking to my ex after the breakup and living in denial. This thread reminds me of the emotional energy that I put into my relationship after it was over. Stay with NC. It's tough, but you must stick with it.

[BC1980]

Personally, I think MANY of people on this site use a disorder as an excuse to try and find some certain reason for a breakup. "Oh, she MUST have BPD because she acts like this. Thats why she left" or "Oh, she is totally suffering from Grass is Greener because she is young and left me." People try to pinpoint 1,000 reasons what it could be when, in reality, they probably just dont feel like being in a relationship with you. I think people hide behind huge shields of protective armor to try and understand when sometimes, you just DONT know. Thats why you move on for yourself and get "closure" from yourself because you wont find it in a book at Barnes and Noble.

 

People don't want the reason that it was over to be personal. It's easier to digest that it is somehow out of your control. Hence, we write a new version of the breakup. Well, the truth is that it is personal, and it is about you.

 

You're right. More often than not, you don't know. It's a waste of time to try to figure it out. I spent many hours trying to understand something that wasn't understandable.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah she replied and thanked me for "diagnosing" her haha.. oh well all I did was suggest she do some reading for her own sake as I thought she might find interesting. I've asked her not to come near me. She seems to think there's nothing wrong and wrote yet another email and said that I should lighten up and be happy and let's start a fresh day she'll see me later. So I just ignored her. I doubt she'll turn up she's just trying to get a rise out of me.

 

I'm a lot happier today, although feeling pretty empty as I know there isn't a future with her - not from her side by now also my own. Now time to be alone for a while.

 

Dude, what the f--k? Stop talking to her.

[spicelover]

Yeah, the feeling is terrible for me this time more than any other breakup I've been through (marriage break-down included).

 

I feel like I've lost my best friend to a tragic death, but they come to me in vivid lucid dreams all the time - so they're gone, but still there just haunting you and staying in your life.

 

The good thing is now I'm not missing her. I'm missing who I thought she was - who doesn't really seem to exist anymore. When I see a photo of her, or something that reminds me of her I feel sick instead of excited.

 

I understand she's a poison apple, but it doesn't make it any easier. If anyone thinks I'm backing down from NC now I can assure now you I won't. Not because of will power or weak moments, but because I simply don't see the point. The pain isn't worth it, and I've done everything I can, and I deserve better -- we all do. I feel good that my last messages were strong and showed my integrity and self-respect.

 

Disclaimer: The only one way I would ever go back on this would be if she were to communicate to me and agree to at least go and see someone together to talk things out. I don't see that happening, in fact I guarantee it and I'm not waiting around to find out

 

Sorry for the brain dump.

[spicelover]

Dude, what the f--k? Stop talking to her.

 

Nah that was from this morning still... nothing since I told her to leave me be and to respect my wishes.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Yeah, the feeling is terrible for me this time more than any other breakup I've been through (marriage break-down included).

 

I feel like I've lost my best friend to a tragic death, but they come to me in vivid lucid dreams all the time - so they're gone, but still there just haunting you and staying in your life.

 

The good thing is now I'm not missing her. I'm missing who I thought she was - who doesn't really seem to exist anymore. When I see a photo of her, or something that reminds me of her I feel sick instead of excited.

 

I understand she's a poison apple, but it doesn't make it any easier. If anyone thinks I'm backing down from NC now I can assure now you I won't. Not because of will power or weak moments, but because I simply don't see the point. The pain isn't worth it, and I've done everything I can, and I deserve better -- we all do. I feel good that my last messages were strong and showed my integrity and self-respect.

 

Disclaimer: The only one way I would ever go back on this would be if she were to communicate to me and agree to at least go and see someone together to talk things out. I don't see that happening, in fact I guarantee it and I'm not waiting around to find out

 

Sorry for the brain dump.

 

Oh boy....that disclaimer made me cringe

[KaliLove]

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt friend. If she really does have BPD, she will stick her fingers in her ears and go LA LA LA LA LA about the therapist, and about everything else. You're going to have to be strong and not let her suck you back in. Can you do that? Have you actually blocked her?

[spicelover]

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt friend. If she really does have BPD, she will stick her fingers in her ears and go LA LA LA LA LA about the therapist, and about everything else. You're going to have to be strong and not let her suck you back in. Can you do that? Have you actually blocked her?

 

Hey Kali,

 

Yeah everything has been blocked except email which is required for the house stuff.

 

She'll never try to come back... she might try to sucker me in for a bit but I know she'll never coming back knowing her and how she's been in past relationships.

[KaliLove]

No, but she will make you think you want to come back. She will try to make you chase her. And you will if you're not careful.

[spicelover]

Ok so still not contacting her. But she called me yesterday with a private number so I was off-guard. It was to ask about when she could pick some stuff up from the house. She was very cold and sounded like a complete stranger - awful.

 

Also, my ex-wife called to say she'd been texting her asking some questions. Very strange behaviour.

[Downtown]

Be proud of yourself, Spice. You've established strong personal boundaries and have been consistent in enforcing them. Being caught off guard by the private number trick is allowed, LOL.

[bllough10]

Hey! My story isn't a "success" story which is why I'm here but maybe it will give you some hope.

 

Long story short. My ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years. He then moved a thousand miles away and we completely cut off all talking. It was hard to just hear from him when he wanted to see how i was doing so I decided so "get over it" and stop talking. We talked a few times a year and it has been 4 years since ive seen/really heard from him. We got to randomly talking about a month ago and he told me he would buy me a ticket if i agreed to fly out there. I didn't think twice because i knew i would say no if i thought about it because i came so far to get over him and i didn't want to start loving a man that just didnt love me anymore. Needless to say, I went. The moment i saw him it was as if we never spent the last 4 years completely apart. When I realized this i was very open about my feelings in telling him that I was oblivious to the fact that I was still in love with him 6 years later. He told me he felt the same. I came back home last Monday and we've decided to spend the next 1-2 years apart in distance just to get our separate lives worked out and then after that, we've decided on a future together.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give to you but I know exactly how you feel when you just love someone so much that you don't want to give up even when you think there is no other option. I've been there.