Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) and sent him a message. Over 10 weeks of NC and I LOST it! HATE HATE HATE HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! Edited April 8, 2014 by Mickey1982 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noOinOtown Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 and.. what did you say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 and.. what did you say? I'm pathetic----I am so upset with myself that I can't even type it! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 We all have done it. Maybe it's what you needed to move forward Mickey. Stop beating yourself up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 We all have done it. Maybe it's what you needed to move forward Mickey. Stop beating yourself up. I LOST it, Hope. I'm on a business trip and the hotel reminded me of one he and I stayed at... I'm a mess and I lost it! HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just messed up over 10 weeks of NC! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I LOST it, Hope. I'm on a business trip and the hotel reminded me of one he and I stayed at... I'm a mess and I lost it! HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just messed up over 10 weeks of NC! No you didn't mess up over 10 weeks!! You just slipped up, and maybe this will help you. We ALL have done it. What did you say (if you want to share)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 No you didn't mess up over 10 weeks!! You just slipped up, and maybe this will help you. We ALL have done it. What did you say (if you want to share)? I told him that I still loved him.... Oh, I hate me! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I told him that I still loved him.... Oh, I hate me! Mickey, it's the truth so please stop beating yourself up. He told you the same thing the last time you talked. Stop hating yourself for loving someone who hurt you! Now you will get more information for you to use moving forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 Mickey, it's the truth so please stop beating yourself up. He told you the same thing the last time you talked. Stop hating yourself for loving someone who hurt you! Now you will get more information for you to use moving forward. I swore I would NOT do this, Hope. It was the ONLY power I had in this whole break-up and I just messed up. Being at this hotel has destroyed me beacuse it reminded me of being with him and I lost myself. I missed him MORE than I ever I have. I AM just so mad at myself for giving in. I wanted him to contact me if it ever was to happen. NOW, I FINALLY know what it means and how AWFUL it feels to break NC.....NEVER EVER AGAIN! I hate giving him back my vulnerability. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I swore I would NOT do this, Hope. It was the ONLY power I had in this whole break-up and I just messed up. Being at this hotel has destroyed me beacuse it reminded me of being with him and I lost myself. I missed him MORE than I ever I have. I AM just so mad at myself for giving in. I wanted him to contact me if it ever was to happen. NOW, I FINALLY know what it means and how AWFUL it feels to break NC.....NEVER EVER AGAIN! I hate giving him back my vulnerability. Ten weeks was longer than I ever did Mickey. If you have read these boards - and I know you have - then you know that NC is a PROCESS and not an instantaneous result or success. Most everyone slips up - sometimes many times! Give yourself a break - it was a 3.5 year serious relationship! HE is the one who changed things, not you! Now just see what he says, if anything, and go from there. I think from your posts you needed this, actually. Your saying what you did doesn't mean anything more than his saying it to you during your last conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 Ten weeks was longer than I ever did Mickey. If you have read these boards - and I know you have - then you know that NC is a PROCESS and not an instantaneous result or success. Most everyone slips up - sometimes many times! Give yourself a break - it was a 3.5 year serious relationship! HE is the one who changed things, not you! Now just see what he says, if anything, and go from there. I think from your posts you needed this, actually. Your saying what you did doesn't mean anything more than his saying it to you during your last conversation. I will let you know what happens...I am just upset with myself, but honestly, I have been upset all day being here beacuse reminders of him are everywhere. I was just not strong enough to fight off the triggers. Thank you for being there for me, Hope. It means a ton. so many hugs to you......tears tears tears Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I will let you know what happens...I am just upset with myself, but honestly, I have been upset all day being here beacuse reminders of him are everywhere. I was just not strong enough to fight off the triggers. Thank you for being there for me, Hope. It means a ton. so many hugs to you......tears tears tears I remember that same thing... triggers being in the same hotel. I know what you have been going through. It has come across so strongly in your posts. Don't ever beat yourself up for loving and trusting someone and giving them your heart, Mickey. He is the one who screwed it up. Let us know what happens, if you feel like it. You are stronger than you know. Wish you had PM access... I would have sent you my phone number. I know that helped me more than once! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Telling someone you love him is nothing to be ashamed of. Yelling and cursing at him, now that would be shameful! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I swore I would NOT do this, Hope. It was the ONLY power I had in this whole break-up and I just messed up. Being at this hotel has destroyed me beacuse it reminded me of being with him and I lost myself. I missed him MORE than I ever I have. I AM just so mad at myself for giving in. I wanted him to contact me if it ever was to happen. NOW, I FINALLY know what it means and how AWFUL it feels to break NC.....NEVER EVER AGAIN! I hate giving him back my vulnerability. Tomorrow, put it out of your head and move past this. You messed up and now you know how sh.tty it made you feel by breaking NC. You've got 10 weeks of NC under your belt so this slip shouldn't bring you down to your knees..THAT'S giving him power. Hold your head up high and remember that you don't want the A to start up again. If you ever have the urge again, post here instead, someone will talk you out of it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Don't hate yourself Mickey, block all avenues that you are able too. Process the feelings you experienced and take what lesson you find of value to move forward in continued NC. You didn't give anything away that you can't take right back. Breathe and take some time to clear your thoughts. Yes triggers can be overwhelming, it's when the trigger is faced that they don't have the power to control our emotions? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I told him that I still loved him.... Oh, I hate me! Please don't feel so badly, Mickey. Sometimes you have to follow through on an impulse in order to experience it and subsequently get passed it or grow beyond it. NC is easier for some than others, and it just is what it is. Many folks can't handle NC for 10 minutes, yet you're 10 weeks in, and while you may feel all 'weirded out' by what you wrote... Don't. There's no specific way in which this HAS to play out, and if you keep your composure, you can actually come out of this with your pride and level of vulnerability in tact. (Of course, I'm somewhat assuming that pride and vulnerability are at the root of your emotional upset based on what you've said, but humor me for a second and read on.) I'm guessing you'll hear back from the person on the other end of the email, though it's not a given, but if you do, take a day or so before reading the reply to reach down deep for the reasons you went NC. Remember, you still have a choice as to whether to reply to any response you may receive, but I'm actually suggesting that you do to put yourself back in control. There's no reason why you can't make light of what you've already expressed by simply saying something like, "Wow, I really lost myself for a second there... my apologies for the temporary moment of drama. I'm doing well, and hope you are, too. Take good care... Mickey." DONE... back to NC with hardly a scratch, at least none that he will see. I realize there are things I'm not taking into account here, like how he responds, or what it may trigger in you, but that's something more personal that you'll have to try to process on your own. You've got a 10 week head start, so take it slowly and try to make decisions about it that go along with your overall goal in the matter. You flinched, you gave in to a weakness, but BIG DEAL. Your not the first, and you won't be the last, and you can survive it. Dry your tears, accept this virtual hug, (((((Mickey)))), and move on. You may be feeling a lot worse than "fine", but HE never needs to know that. All the Best to you, Mickey... hope this helps you regain your balance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Devastated1969 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Mickey, don't beat yourself up. You have done amazing to get through 10 weeks and this is a minor slip and you have just told the truth. You are allowed to be human with feelings Mickey, you love this man and he has gone in a heartbeat, it was sudden, unexpected and hurts like crazy. You need to process that, it takes time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs. We all understand how tough it is when you hit those triggers, they seem to overpower you, but please don't let this break your resolve to keep going. Keep posting here, we are all here to help and support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 ((Hugs)) Mickey. We have ALL been there. It happens. It hurts, it sucks, but the beat always goes on... Don't see this as starting back at zero. It is just a blip in your road to recovery, Babe. Knowing NOW how bad it feels to break NC gives you knowledge and power as you move forward. We are all here for you. Keep posting. Do something nice for yourself. There will be much happier times ahead for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tornado Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Don't hate yourself... Those of us who succeeded NC didn't all succeed on the first attempt. That's my case. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I LOST it, Hope. I'm on a business trip and the hotel reminded me of one he and I stayed at... I'm a mess and I lost it! HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just messed up over 10 weeks of NC! You didn't just "mess up" 10 weeks of NC. You had 10 weeks of NC...a needed break in communications. The goal of NC isn't to see how long you can maintain NC (in my opinion), it is to push you forward in your life so that the exMM is no longer consuming your every thought. In other words, it is meant as a tool for healing. NC isn't the only way to heal. And, healing isn't always a straight line. Maybe breaking NC was a backslip, or maybe whatever comes of it will help you move forward. You are grieving, don't be so hard on yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Usual disclaimer here- I am a BS so take it for what its worth- I can tell you that I have slipped up more than I care to admit- I would go to bed thinking-tomorrow I will not harp on X- then I would make it until, oh, about 9 pm and let it rip-so, each night I go to bed and say "tomorrow I will do better" I also got way in to yoga-it balances me and helps me stay focused- find something that helps you find your center Now, I hesitate to write this next part because I am trying to help and be kind- from our POV as a couple in R- when our OW would reach out we call it intruding, not breaking NC-intruding-it makes him angry-he promised to tell me when he hears from her-she forwards the emails, texts, etc.... to him it makes her look weak and unable to hold up her end of the bargain- so remember-anything you send may be forwarded to his wife and reflect badly on you- Stay strong-don't beat yourself up too much and do better tomorrow- As always, be kind and gentle to you- 5 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I told him that I still loved him.... Oh, I hate me! Question is it really love though in your honest assessment? Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Usual disclaimer here- I am a BS so take it for what its worth- I can tell you that I have slipped up more than I care to admit- I would go to bed thinking-tomorrow I will not harp on X- then I would make it until, oh, about 9 pm and let it rip-so, each night I go to bed and say "tomorrow I will do better" I also got way in to yoga-it balances me and helps me stay focused- find something that helps you find your center Now, I hesitate to write this next part because I am trying to help and be kind- from our POV as a couple in R- when our OW would reach out we call it intruding, not breaking NC-intruding-it makes him angry-he promised to tell me when he hears from her-she forwards the emails, texts, etc.... to him it makes her look weak and unable to hold up her end of the bargain- so remember-anything you send may be forwarded to his wife and reflect badly on you- Stay strong-don't beat yourself up too much and do better tomorrow- As always, be kind and gentle to you- Gettingstronger... I feel bad that you have to qualify your statement as a "BS" (though I understand it from reading comments that are sometimes tossed out in that general direction.) Your posts provide a different point of view in a caring way that is genuine, and provides food for thought. Just my opinion, but wanted to share it with you. (Sorry if that seems like a t/j.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) Thanks everyone for all the kind words and never ending support and hugs. I am still hating myself and am playing the waiting game until he responds or doesn't. The e-mail was sent to one that he set up just to email me so I am not sure if he is even checking it. Time will tell how it plays out... All I know is that I am disappointed in myself very very much. It made me realize how important NC is and how much it helped. So, I guess I'm officially back at Day 1 today. Edited April 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
uneek74 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) Mickey, you might not necessarily be back at day 1. (Just a thought) Maybe he closed that email account and he never got it. If he doesn't respond that might be the case. Like I said before it is next to impossible to quickly forget someone like yourself. Just yesterday, I responded to My XMM too, so you are not alone. Try not to obsess over you reaching out. You now know that you don't want to feel what you're feeling, therefore you will be cautious the next time you get the urge to contact him. Sending support and (((hugs))) your way. It will be ok just know that. Edited April 8, 2014 by uneek74 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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