Just broke NC.....

[Waverly]

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and never ending support and hugs.

 

I am still hating myself and am playing the waiting game until he responds or doesn't. The e-mail was sent to one that he set up just to email me so I am not sure if he is even checking it. Time will tell how it plays out...

 

All I know is that I am disappointed in myself very very much. It made me realize how important NC is and how much it helped.

 

So, I guess I'm officially back at Day 1 today

 

Mickey, please don't be so hard on yourself. You did 10 weeks of NC -- that is AWESOME. Now you'll keep going with it. And really, you didn't write and embarrass yourself; you were honest and told him how you felt. Is it really so terrible that he knows the truth of things?

 

You mentioned you were on a business trip that had a lot of triggers. I know exactly how hard that is. I posted here a few weeks ago because I had to travel for work and spend five days in "our" town, including staying at the hotel where we had stayed together during the A, eating at restaurants we'd been to together, and passing by the spot where we used to sit together for hours, the spot where we planned to get married. Talk about triggers. I was so in love with him, and that doesn't go away overnight.

 

Being confronted with tangible reminders like hotels and places you've been together is HARD. Really really hard. But it does get a little bit easier each time. I've gotten some flack on here for not doing "enough" or not recovering fast enough, but it's a long long process for a lot of us. I've been back to this town three times now since the A ended. It's gotten a tiny bit easier each time. It's still so so hard, but it is better than it was. I have to go back again in a few weeks, and yes, I'm dreading it. But I'm not going to contact him this time, and that alone (for me) is progress.

 

Hang in there, and try not to be so hard on yourself. NC isn't a contest; you didn't "lose" by emailing him.

 

PS My xMM also had an email account set up just to write to me. He deactivated it a few weeks ago. He told me he was going to do it, but it still hurt. You can check online to see if an email address is active or not. I checked before and after he told me he was deactivating it, and it really did show up as no longer valid right after he deactivated it. Just a thought, in case you're not sure he still has the account. (It won't tell you, of course, if he's actually checking it or not, just whether the account exists. For my xMM, it was sort of a symbolic moment that he was deactivating it. Ouch.)

Edited April 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mickey1982]

Should I send a follow up now as FoolishOW suggested saying something like, "Wow, I really lost myself for a second there... my apologies for the temporary moment of drama. I'm doing well, and hope you are, too. Take good care... Mickey."

 

Or should I just wait it out????

 

Help please!!

[thinkingofhim]

I think you should stay quiet and hope he doesn't respond... any further emails will just let him know you were obsessing over his response. =/ If he does respond, don't give him a reply. Let him think it was your final farewell and you're done. More emails from you = giving more power to him.

[tornado]

Or maybe send him another mail telling him you sent the mail to the wrong person.

[Mickey1982]

Or maybe send him another mail telling him you sent the mail to the wrong person.

 

The e-mail account was just for he/I.

[Waverly]

Hypocrisy in action here, but I think you should leave it be.

[Mickey1982]

Hypocrisy in action here, but I think you should leave it be.

 

Waverly, still can't believe I broke NC. You have no idea how upset I am that I did this last night.

[Waverly]

Waverly, still can't believe I broke NC. You have no idea how upset I am that I did this last night.

 

Oh trust me, I know how exactly how you feel. I didn't mention it on here, but I emailed my xAP the other day, and felt exactly the same way you do right now. It was really brief, and I didn't include anything emotional (for once), but I still reached out, and immediately regretted it. He hasn't replied, and honestly, I don't know if that's making it better or worse. It hurts either way. If I hear from him? Boom, pain, crying, wishing things were different. If I don't hear from him? Boom, pain, hurt, why doesn't he want me in his life?

 

So, now I'll remind myself of that next time I have that extra glass of wine at night and am tempted to reach out, or when I'm on my trip in a few weeks.

 

Nothing good can come of it, but nobody can be strong all of the time. It's ok to have had a moment of weakness. Just pick yourself up, take a deep breath - or five, as my therapist reminds me - and keep on keeping on. We'll get there.

[Cocochai]

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and never ending support and hugs.

 

I am still hating myself and am playing the waiting game until he responds or doesn't. The e-mail was sent to one that he set up just to email me so I am not sure if he is even checking it. Time will tell how it plays out...

 

All I know is that I am disappointed in myself very very much. It made me realize how important NC is and how much it helped.

 

So, I guess I'm officially back at Day 1 today.

 

 

Mickey don't beat yourself up!!! Just yesterday I'm telling LSA how I have no desire to reach out to my XMM but yet feeling angry that he hasn't tried.

 

Being in an area that reminded you of him was a trigger for you and remember, you are HUMAN w/ feelings.

 

I've done it before but it wasn't nice like yours... I was cussing him out and he ignored me lol only for two months later texting me out of the blue to continue that stupid cycle. If he ignores.., look at it as "he is allowinge to move on and find someone else".

 

If it helps you can write down your thoughts and pretend that you sent it to the XMM to help you move on.

 

I'm glad we have a website like this because w/ out it and seeing others go tru what I've been through or, how I'm feeling will drive me crazy... And it's not worth it.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Cocochai

[littlemermaid]

Mickey, don't beat yourself up, you are NOT back at day one! This may even end up helping you heal.

 

If you want to hear an embarrassing story about breaking NC, I did that almost 2 weeks ago after 8 weeks of NC (not an agreed-upon NC, there was no D-Day at least that I know of, although I know that he and his W have been fighting). And I didn't do it with an email, or phone call, or text (since I'm not supposed to do those things at any time). So I went to his house with the pretext of asking him for a favor (which I actually did ask but I didn't NEED to) and he wouldn't let me in. He said he had a friend over and couldn't let his friend see me because his friend knows his W. He only opened the door a crack and stuck his body in the opening so that I couldn't see into the house and no one in there could see me. He was polite but cold. I asked him the thing I needed to ask which has to do with his job (he's a performer in a big show) and he agreed to what I asked, but then that night he blew off the favor and didn't do what I had asked, didn't show up where he was supposed to be. And this had to do with a friend of mine from out of town, luckily she knows the whole story or it would have been mortifying to explain why he had blown us off. THEN when I was leaving I saw his car in the parking garage so I WAITED for him in my car and when he got in his car I knocked on his window, scaring the crap out of him (it was midnight) and he gave me a load of crap tale about why he wasn't there and it was just...very, very clear...that he doesn't want to be around me, at all. Ever again. So as horrible as that whole day and night was...it helped me. Something changed in me toward him that night, and I understand now exactly what kind of man he is. That very minute that he looked at me and lied to me in the car, my heart hardened toward him and I was done.

 

Sometimes breaking NC can be the thing that breaks his hold over you, if NC itself isn't doing it.

[Mickey1982]

I just feel that I lost all the power I had gained. We never agreed on NC - it sort of just happened and I had wanted him to think I had moved on and was OK. Telling him I still loved him was not wanted him to know. I have no idea when he will open that e-mail account so I will never know if he is ignoring me or if he even got it. This is totally horrible and I hate this feeling. I am just SOOOOOO angry with myself.

[uneek74]

LittleM: While I know that you were very upset when your incident happened. It sounded like a horrible experience. I have to tell you though it made me chuckle a little. I got a visual of you at the door and knocking on his car window. I am glad you are moving on! Best wishes.

 

Mickey: You can't spend too much time wondering about what he is or isn't going to do. It won't change anything. You have to choose to be happy and move on. It's not healthy to put so much focus on his feelings. He has taken up a lot of rent space in your head. It is now time for eviction. You matter!

Edited April 8, 2014 by uneek74

[Cocochai]

I just feel that I lost all the power I had gained. We never agreed on NC - it sort of just happened and I had wanted him to think I had moved on and was OK. Telling him I still loved him was not wanted him to know. I have no idea when he will open that e-mail account so I will never know if he is ignoring me or if he even got it. This is totally horrible and I hate this feeling. I am just SOOOOOO angry with myself.

 

Those feelings are normal reactions Mickey but try not to be so hard on yourself. We've all done things similar and the need for closure is hard. I feel like taking up boxing classes just to let out my stress or buy one of those pop up kid balloons you knock back down.

 

Anytime I feel weak or the urge to be down on myself I come here to express my thoughts or read what others are going tru.

 

I'm glad your going through IC so you can express those feelings even more out with that person.

 

If it makes you feel any better I'm sure it's not all paradise for your XMM either. I always tell myself "I hope he's BS is giving him hell everyday"

[littlemermaid]

LittleM: While I know that you were very upset when your incident happened. It sounded like a horrible experience. I have to tell you though it made me chuckle a little. I got a visual of you at the door and knocking on his car window. I am glad you are moving on! Best wishes.

 

Mickey: You can't spend too much time wondering about what he is or isn't going to do. It won't change anything. You have to choose to be happy and move on. It's not healthy to put so much focus on his feelings. He has taken up a lot of rent space in your head. It is now time for eviction. You matter!

 

uneek, even at the time as much as I was hurt and shocked by his behavior, I also realized how funny it was. I was never expecting him to act that way, I have been very close friends with both him and his W for almost 5 years and our "affair" was very short and I had thought that after a period of no contact we would be able to put what had happened between us in the past and remain friends. I was trying to let him know I had done that. But apparently he isn't able to do that. He has very little control over his behavior toward me and told me that before, so I guess he feels he can't see me at all. But yes me popping up like a demented jack in the box next to his car window at midnight...is hilarious. I find it funny, too.

[whichwayisup]

Should I send a follow up now as FoolishOW suggested saying something like, "Wow, I really lost myself for a second there... my apologies for the temporary moment of drama. I'm doing well, and hope you are, too. Take good care... Mickey."

 

Or should I just wait it out????

 

Help please!!

 

NO! Do not email him again!

[sweet_pea]

Mickey, have you thought about deleting that email address? And blocking any avenues of possible communications?

[Owl]

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and never ending support and hugs.

 

I am still hating myself and am playing the waiting game until he responds or doesn't. The e-mail was sent to one that he set up just to email me so I am not sure if he is even checking it. Time will tell how it plays out...

 

All I know is that I am disappointed in myself very very much. It made me realize how important NC is and how much it helped.

 

So, I guess I'm officially back at Day 1 today.

 

Here's my suggestion...

 

Don't play that waiting game. Block his response. If you really must, send another contact, very briefly apologizing for the first, and letting him know not to respond, as you're blocking him to prevent further recurrences. Make it a single sentence response, pretty much verbatim what I just said...and nothing at all more.

 

Then block any means that you have to communicate with him, so that you don't repeat this again in a moment of weakness. This is why I suggest ACTIVE measures for enforcing NC, such as blocking/changing email/IM/phone contact information where at all possible.

 

Time to shift gears to PROACTIVELY maintain NC now.

[Speakingofwhich]

No, don't send another email under any circumstances.

 

Don't do anything at all any different. Absolutely don't block. That makes you appear confused, unstable and gamey and as if you are really bothered by what you've done (translation=lack of confidence).

 

Let it be. If you send another email, trying to undo it in any way, then that's the email that will make you really look hung up on him.

 

Anyone can do what you did. That's what many a totally normal person does. There is absolutely no shame in it at all. (In fact, besides setting you back if it indeed does, let it be in your mind at this point a gesture you gave him as a precious reminder of who Mickey is, as if he drove by and saw you and you smiled and waved rather than grouched at him. It was lovely, Mickey, except for what it did to you and you have control over that. Some will def argue with this, but it's true. Whenever you spread love on this earth it's a beautiful thing. You don't want to do it again because of what it does to YOU, not to him.)

 

Trust me. Have had it done to me and thought nothing of it as I, and everyone else does, too, knows that when you're moving on you sometimes relapse. Totally average normal behavior.

 

The person who keeps at it, trying to erase, trying to make it look as if it was whatever........that's the person who appears obsessed (and strange).

 

Again, let it go, continue to work out your angst in other ways. You're normal.

[FoolishOW]

Should I send a follow up now as FoolishOW suggested saying something like, "Wow, I really lost myself for a second there... my apologies for the temporary moment of drama. I'm doing well, and hope you are, too. Take good care... Mickey."

 

Or should I just wait it out????

 

Help please!!

 

 

 

 

Hey Mickey... Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that you send an additional email UNLESS YOU RECEIVED A REPLY that left you feeling like you'd dug yourself a hole that you couldn't climb out of gracefully. My suggestion was ONLY meant as a way to cordially, yet briskly and clearly make it known that your email was simply a moment of human weakness that "had passed", and not the words of a desperately emotional person. (As it seemed you were concerned your email might portray.) Making light of a slip up is a great way to alleviate whatever undo pressure or awkwardness may have come from this, while allowing you to take back control of NC with only a sentence or two. Not every move we make can be dissected with the seriousness of a Def Con 5 maneuver, but it's understandable how emotions tend to cause us to lose sight of that.

 

 

Having said ALL that, if you DIDN'T/DON'T receive a reply, my suggestion DOESN'T APPLY. Bottom line is you have to do what's comfortable for you. I was just sharing how I would have most likely have handled a reply had there been one, and for me, that would have cleared it up pretty quickly. Clearly, few agree, but no harm. Hoping you feel better about all of it soon, Mickey!

Edited April 8, 2014 by FoolishOW
tried to insert an emoticon.

[jwi71]

Here's my suggestion...

 

Don't play that waiting game. Block his response. If you really must, send another contact, very briefly apologizing for the first, and letting him know not to respond, as you're blocking him to prevent further recurrences. Make it a single sentence response, pretty much verbatim what I just said...and nothing at all more.

 

Then block any means that you have to communicate with him, so that you don't repeat this again in a moment of weakness. This is why I suggest ACTIVE measures for enforcing NC, such as blocking/changing email/IM/phone contact information where at all possible.

 

Time to shift gears to PROACTIVELY maintain NC now.

 

Yup.

Delete the account if it is just for you two.

[Mickey1982]

Hey Mickey... Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that you send an additional email UNLESS YOU RECEIVED A REPLY that left you feeling like you'd dug yourself a hole that you couldn't climb out of gracefully. My suggestion was ONLY meant as a way to cordially, yet briskly and clearly make it known that your email was simply a moment of human weakness that "had passed", and not the words of a desperately emotional person. (As it seemed you were concerned your email might portray.) Making light of a slip up is a great way to alleviate whatever undo pressure or awkwardness may have come from this, while allowing you to take back control of NC with only a sentence or two. Not every move we make can be dissected with the seriousness of a Def Con 5 maneuver, but it's understandable how emotions tend to cause us to lose sight of that.

 

Having said ALL that, if you DIDN'T/DON'T receive a reply, my suggestion DOESN'T APPLY. Bottom line is you have to do what's comfortable for you. I was just sharing how I would have most likely have handled a reply had there been one, and for me, that would have cleared it up pretty quickly. Clearly, few agree, but no harm. Hoping you feel better about all of it soon, Mickey!

 

 

Thank you for all the advice. I have to agree with you and others that I will do nothing unless I get something back. Honestly, FoolishOW, you e-mail came earlier today when I was just out of a meeting feeling totally desperate and defeated. I could not concentrate at all so I am to blame for the confusion. Thank you again for all of the advice!

[Mickey1982]

No, don't send another email under any circumstances.

 

Don't do anything at all any different. Absolutely don't block. That makes you appear confused, unstable and gamey and as if you are really bothered by what you've done (translation=lack of confidence).

 

Let it be. If you send another email, trying to undo it in any way, then that's the email that will make you really look hung up on him.

 

Anyone can do what you did. That's what many a totally normal person does. There is absolutely no shame in it at all. (In fact, besides setting you back if it indeed does, let it be in your mind at this point a gesture you gave him as a precious reminder of who Mickey is, as if he drove by and saw you and you smiled and waved rather than grouched at him. It was lovely, Mickey, except for what it did to you and you have control over that. Some will def argue with this, but it's true. Whenever you spread love on this earth it's a beautiful thing. You don't want to do it again because of what it does to YOU, not to him.)

 

Trust me. Have had it done to me and thought nothing of it as I, and everyone else does, too, knows that when you're moving on you sometimes relapse. Totally average normal behavior.

 

The person who keeps at it, trying to erase, trying to make it look as if it was whatever........that's the person who appears obsessed (and strange).

 

Again, let it go, continue to work out your angst in other ways. You're normal.

 

 

Speakingofwhich, I CANNOT thank you enough! You made me cry because your post captured my thoughts as if I wrote it myself. You have touched me beyond belief beacuse you understood what I was feeling perfectly.

 

First, I do not want to send any follow-up e-mails. Last night's e-mail destroyed me. I cannot believe how much breaking NC made me upset and so incredibly unhappy with myself. I just can't reply to the one I sent with another one now and I honestly don't know if I ever can if he decides to reply back.

 

I don't want to block and I do not want to delete. It's not me nor my style. I managed to get to over 10 weeks of NC without blocking, deleting, etc. and I WILL do it again.

 

My thought was exactly also what you said when you posted...let it be. I am not going to apologize for sending it beacuse it did come from my heart as much as it killed me after I did it. I was filled with so much emotion last night beacuse I am in a hotel in Boston that reminds me of EXACTLY a place that he/I stayed at. I could not control the painful triggers staring me in the face where ever I turned.

 

I have no idea if he ever checks that e-mail account and if so, my guess is that it does not happen often. So, I have NO way of knowing when he will ever see it. It could be tonight or it could be 6 months from now or it could be never!

 

So, my plan is to go back into NC, do no more communicationg with him via e-mail and see what happens...he may reply, he may not.

 

I told him what he already knew and has known for the past 3 1/2 years....I love him.

[MuddyFootprints]

I hear and understand your pain. Mickey, how many times did you check that email account today? How many times will you check it before you go to bed? Will you sleep through the entire night without logging in? Will checking it be the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? How long will you do this? Please don't torture yourself any more.

[Mickey1982]

I hear and understand your pain. Mickey, how many times did you check that email account today? How many times will you check it before you go to bed? Will you sleep through the entire night without logging in? Will checking it be the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? How long will you do this? Please don't torture yourself any more.

 

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

[Popsicle]

Whenever you spread love on this earth it's a beautiful thing.

 

That is such a sweet thing to say.