Hope Shimmers Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 That is such a sweet thing to say. I totally agree. It's what has helped me move forward as well. Never, ever be sorry that you loved someone completely and gave them your heart, no matter what happens in the end. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 I totally agree. It's what has helped me move forward as well. Never, ever be sorry that you loved someone completely and gave them your heart, no matter what happens in the end. Thanks, HOPE! You have helped me more than you know-----your opinion in what I am doing moving forward matters---a TON! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Thanks, HOPE! You have helped me more than you know-----your opinion in what I am doing moving forward matters---a TON! Thank you Mickey. You are a classy lady - this guy was an idiot to let you go. Hang in there. It is clear how strong you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Thank you Mickey. You are a classy lady - this guy was an idiot to let you go. Hang in there. It is clear how strong you are. speakingofwhich sent me a post and I really agreed with all she said. I'm going back into NC, no more e-mails, I'll decide about replying back if he ever responds and in the meantime, I will not destroy ME any more for sending what I did. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) I don't want to block and I do not want to delete. It's not me nor my style. I managed to get to over 10 weeks of NC without blocking, deleting, etc. and I WILL do it again. Exactomundo! The combination of Love, Authenticity and Confidence is fabulously freeing! No need to smother it! There are a million ways to exit an R just as there are a million ways to enter one and a million ways to conduct one! It's your journey, no one else's! And when you exit it the way that fully represents you, you thoroughly experience the process and move through it and on from it without regrets. It has become a beautiful part of your very own story! So, now, even look for ways to savor this passage of your R! Remember that the closing chapter of a good book can be as wonderful as the very first pages were! Hold this part close to your heart and know that as you emerge from your R you don't need your ex-other with you for it to be a remarkable and treasured experience. Edited April 9, 2014 by Speakingofwhich 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Thank you for all the advice. I have to agree with you and others that I will do nothing unless I get something back. Honestly, FoolishOW, you e-mail came earlier today when I was just out of a meeting feeling totally desperate and defeated. I could not concentrate at all so I am to blame for the confusion. Thank you again for all of the advice! Blame never crossed my mind, Mickey... just wanted to clarify my comment for you, that's all. Wishing you peace of mind, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Blame never crossed my mind, Mickey... just wanted to clarify my comment for you, that's all. Wishing you peace of mind, my friend. I know--you are my friend, FoolishOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Mickey, please don't be so hard on yourself. You did 10 weeks of NC -- that is AWESOME. Now you'll keep going with it. And really, you didn't write and embarrass yourself; you were honest and told him how you felt. Is it really so terrible that he knows the truth of things? You mentioned you were on a business trip that had a lot of triggers. I know exactly how hard that is. I posted here a few weeks ago because I had to travel for work and spend five days in "our" town, including staying at the hotel where we had stayed together during the A, eating at restaurants we'd been to together, and passing by the spot where we used to sit together for hours, the spot where we planned to get married. Talk about triggers. I was so in love with him, and that doesn't go away overnight. Being confronted with tangible reminders like hotels and places you've been together is HARD. Really really hard. But it does get a little bit easier each time. I've gotten some flack on here for not doing "enough" or not recovering fast enough, but it's a long long process for a lot of us. I've been back to this town three times now since the A ended. It's gotten a tiny bit easier each time. It's still so so hard, but it is better than it was. I have to go back again in a few weeks, and yes, I'm dreading it. But I'm not going to contact him this time, and that alone (for me) is progress. Hang in there, and try not to be so hard on yourself. NC isn't a contest; you didn't "lose" by emailing him. PS My xMM also had an email account set up just to write to me. He deactivated it a few weeks ago. He told me he was going to do it, but it still hurt. You can check online to see if an email address is active or not. I checked before and after he told me he was deactivating it, and it really did show up as no longer valid right after he deactivated it. Just a thought, in case you're not sure he still has the account. (It won't tell you, of course, if he's actually checking it or not, just whether the account exists. For my xMM, it was sort of a symbolic moment that he was deactivating it. Ouch.) Waverly, you are so much like me in so many ways--OMG! Your posts are so similiar to me and my thinking patterns! How are you today, friend? I leave Boston tomorrow and can't wait to get out of this 'trigger trap!' It has been unimaginably difficult...Darn, I really miss him, Waverly....so very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Waverly, you are so much like me in so many ways--OMG! Your posts are so similiar to me and my thinking patterns! How are you today, friend? I leave Boston tomorrow and can't wait to get out of this 'trigger trap!' It has been unimaginably difficult...Darn, I really miss him, Waverly....so very much. Blah. I'm ok. I'm so up and down lately. I guess that's an improvement over just being down? But I just alternate lately between being relatively calm and then having complete panic attacks about how this has all turned out and how much I miss him. I'm glad you'll be able to leave soon. Those trips I had to take were definite low points for me over the last few months. I tried to just keep myself busy, even if that meant staying at the office until I was the last person there at night. Anything to avoid sitting alone in my hotel room feeling sorry for myself. Thinking of you today -- hang in there, you'll be out of trigger-land soon!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 or on the other hand he woke up,and knew he would be an idiot to let his wife go,it never ceases to amaze me,that some ow just don't get it,they knew they were sleeping with a married man,they knew he was a liar,and a cheater,i was tthere once never again it never ceases to amaze me,that some ow just don't get it......I will assume that as an OW you did not get it either as you slept with a married man as well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 and sent him a message. Over 10 weeks of NC and I LOST it! HATE HATE HATE HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! Mickey, please don't hate yourself. We've all done it. I went NC with him so many times that it's not even laughable anymore. Every single time, I was the one to break NC. It's hard, damn hard. If you're anything like me, I put everything I had into this relationship, this love. I gave him every part of me, heart, body and soul. I would have done anything for that man. I even offered to move my kids 150 miles from their father and family, just to be with him. I volunteered to give up college for him. I would have died for that man. So, to know that I've (and my love) have just been dismissed so easily? It sucks. I broke NC many times. I'll never do it again. Never. I learned my lesson like you did, hopefully. Even after everything happened with dday, I still bounced back to him and gave him everything he wanted. Even after he discarded me like yesterdays trash (because that's all I really was), I still jumped right in there for more. But you can only beat someone down so many times before they break and I broke big time. It'll be okay, babe. Just go back to NC and hang in there. I promise it'll get better with time. I prayed for the anger stage and god, did it hit big time... You'll be ok. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I prayed for the anger stage and god, did it hit big time... in a nutshell! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey, please don't hate yourself. We've all done it. I went NC with him so many times that it's not even laughable anymore. Every single time, I was the one to break NC. It's hard, damn hard. If you're anything like me, I put everything I had into this relationship, this love. I gave him every part of me, heart, body and soul. I would have done anything for that man. I even offered to move my kids 150 miles from their father and family, just to be with him. I volunteered to give up college for him. I would have died for that man. So, to know that I've (and my love) have just been dismissed so easily? It sucks. I broke NC many times. I'll never do it again. Never. I learned my lesson like you did, hopefully. Even after everything happened with dday, I still bounced back to him and gave him everything he wanted. Even after he discarded me like yesterdays trash (because that's all I really was), I still jumped right in there for more. But you can only beat someone down so many times before they break and I broke big time. It'll be okay, babe. Just go back to NC and hang in there. I promise it'll get better with time. I prayed for the anger stage and god, did it hit big time... You'll be ok. Thank you GreySkyMorning! I've been almost 11 weeks NC with just that one slip and honestly, I am not sure he will ever get it since I don't know if he closed the e-mail account or even checks it any more. All I know is that I still LOVE this man with my entire being 100%. He has not broken NC at all which is KILLING me-----I am being honest. We NEVER officially started a NC between us, it just happened after a few communications after his d-day. He is obviously keeping to it and it hurts that he has not reached out to see how I am doing beacuse he knows that he devastated me. I told my therapist this morning that I fear NEVER being over him or reaching a point where there is no pain---it seems so out of reach...still. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey, Your pain oozes from all your threads and posts. Your need to make sense or have the perfect answer that will magically alleviate your pain, simply does not exist. You have no control over the thought processes/actions/decisions/reasons why the MM does/says what he does. Others putting their own voice in replace of his also serves no purpose. It keeps you laser focused on the MM...when the focus should be on yourself. Do you question yourself on why you still would be in love with the MM with 100% of your entire being? Is that ever a healthy place to be? Have you had challenges in your life that you have overcome? Do you remember how you overcame them? What to you is a healthy relationship? What steps do you take to safeguard your emotional well-being? Do you self-advocate? Is there a part of you, that gets indignant on your behalf when others treat you disrespectfully? If so, how can you tap into that inner voice and give her a larger presence when other parts are feeling pained? You lived life before the MM and you will live your life after. Do not put limits on yourself....love/believe in yourself with 100% of your entire being. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 I totally agree. It's what has helped me move forward as well. Never, ever be sorry that you loved someone completely and gave them your heart, no matter what happens in the end. I wish so bad I could PM you! Having a really DOWN day....... Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey, I am so sorry x Your posts are heart-breaking Be strong x Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I wish so bad I could PM you! Having a really DOWN day....... Mickey, you ok? Is your trip over? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey, you ok? Is your trip over? Yes, I got home VERY late last evening. I was going to come home today, but took a flight late last night instead. I saw my therapist this morning and told her about the 'hotel trigger' and the e-mail. I just left feeling so down, discouraged and just down right back to devastation! Waverly, I am not sure how you are doing, but I find it so hard that he does not care enough to reach out to me at all! I will NEVER know unless he responds if that e-mail account is even open let alone if he ever checks it. I just wish I knew the last time I saw him was going to be the last hug, the last kiss, etc. I'm just really sad..... Link to post Share on other sites
tornado Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey, maybe you should call him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey, maybe you should call him? Tornado---I'm a mess. No other way to explain it. Link to post Share on other sites
tornado Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Tornado---I'm a mess. No other way to explain it. No Mickey, you're not a mess. You still love him... But he doesn't deserve your love... You need to call him if you are still addicted to him. Let's see what he says. I am suceeding the NC because the MM made me feel very very low, and I started to hate him... if you don't hate your MM, you won't be able to stay NC... I feel more and more free, and lighter. That affair was really TOXIC! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 No Mickey, you're not a mess. You still love him... But he doesn't deserve your love... You need to call him if you are still addicted to him. Let's see what he says. I am suceeding the NC because the MM made me feel very very low, and I started to hate him... if you don't hate your MM, you won't be able to stay NC... I feel more and more free, and lighter. That affair was really TOXIC! BUT, I should HATE him. He treated me really poorly after d-day. there was no excuse for being so callous and uncaring----he KNEW his words were like a knife turning over and over again into an already broken heart. Believe me, I should be hating him already! Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Yes, I got home VERY late last evening. I was going to come home today, but took a flight late last night instead. I saw my therapist this morning and told her about the 'hotel trigger' and the e-mail. I just left feeling so down, discouraged and just down right back to devastation! Waverly, I am not sure how you are doing, but I find it so hard that he does not care enough to reach out to me at all! I will NEVER know unless he responds if that e-mail account is even open let alone if he ever checks it. I just wish I knew the last time I saw him was going to be the last hug, the last kiss, etc. I'm just really sad..... So, the last time I saw my xMM, we were at the airport about to get on separate flights. We'd had a rough few hours, complete with us both crying, talking about we loved each other, but couldn't figure out how to make it work, etc., etc. But the last moment I had with him, we kissed, and I made him promise that that wouldn't be it, that that wouldn't be the last time we saw each other. Ugh. Of course it was. And every time I think back to that moment, I cringe. I think of standing outside that jetway and having one last kiss, and then watching him walk away. And now I know it really was forever, and it kills me. I think about that moment way too much. You don't know why he's not reaching out to you. You really don't. I know that doesn't help, at all, and I think you are guilty of playing the same loops in your head and same mind games that I am. If he's not reaching out, it must mean that he doesn't care, and that the entire thing was meaningless if he can change his mind so quickly, right? But, as much as my mind runs completely amok with things, I try to remind myself that I know this is hard for him too. And whatever happy face your x put on things the last time he talked to you, there's just NO WAY that it's that simple and easy for him as well. I don't know why he's not contacting you; I could take a guess, but it would be just that. My xMM made a comment one time about how he totally intended to 100% move on from this; I told my therapist about that, and she practically spit her coffee out from laughing at it. It just isn't that simple; there's no way it is for your xMM either. Unless he's a complete sociopath (doubtful), I really really don't think he could just stop caring about you, even if he did suddenly decide that his marriage was worth saving. I had the "advantage" of something that you didn't: it ended quickly for us, but we spent months talking about it. We turned it over, examined it, poked at it, argued about things from every possible angle. I know exactly what he thought and felt. But you know what? It still wasn't enough. It still hurt like nothing has ever hurt me before. He would accuse me sometimes of twisting his words, of trying to make this hurt as much as possible, but I didn't know how else to take it, you know? I offered or gave him everything I am, and in the end, was left with nothing, with less of him than I even started with. It hurts. It did, and it still does. I know you want to hear from your MM, and I SO understand that. I still want to hear from mine, so badly. Every day that I don't hear from him is just another punch in the gut. But at the same time? There's absolutely nothing he can tell me at this point that will make it feel any better. (Short, of course, of "I'm divorced and moving across the country". Not happening.) I'm nowhere near feeling better, but I do recognize that I have to figure this one out by myself. He doesn't have the magic answer for me. Hugs, Mickey. Sorry for all the rambling... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tornado Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 BUT, I should HATE him. He treated me really poorly after d-day. there was no excuse for being so callous and uncaring----he KNEW his words were like a knife turning over and over again into an already broken heart. Believe me, I should be hating him already! Have you tried some agressive sports, like boxing? It helps! Get back your pride, Mickey. I know there is something deep in your heart that wants to rebel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 have you ever gotten very angry with someone? if so what did it take to get there? that's where you need to get now, angry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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