Just broke NC.....

[Hope Shimmers]

I wish so bad I could PM you! Having a really DOWN day.......

 

I'm so sorry Mickey I remember all too well how you feel.

 

You must be close to getting PM privileges. I tried to PM you yesterday and couldn't believe you still don't have them. Seems like longer than it has been I guess.

[Mickey1982]

So, the last time I saw my xMM, we were at the airport about to get on separate flights. We'd had a rough few hours, complete with us both crying, talking about we loved each other, but couldn't figure out how to make it work, etc., etc. But the last moment I had with him, we kissed, and I made him promise that that wouldn't be it, that that wouldn't be the last time we saw each other. Ugh. Of course it was. And every time I think back to that moment, I cringe. I think of standing outside that jetway and having one last kiss, and then watching him walk away. And now I know it really was forever, and it kills me. I think about that moment way too much.

 

You don't know why he's not reaching out to you. You really don't. I know that doesn't help, at all, and I think you are guilty of playing the same loops in your head and same mind games that I am. If he's not reaching out, it must mean that he doesn't care, and that the entire thing was meaningless if he can change his mind so quickly, right? But, as much as my mind runs completely amok with things, I try to remind myself that I know this is hard for him too. And whatever happy face your x put on things the last time he talked to you, there's just NO WAY that it's that simple and easy for him as well. I don't know why he's not contacting you; I could take a guess, but it would be just that.

 

My xMM made a comment one time about how he totally intended to 100% move on from this; I told my therapist about that, and she practically spit her coffee out from laughing at it. It just isn't that simple; there's no way it is for your xMM either. Unless he's a complete sociopath (doubtful), I really really don't think he could just stop caring about you, even if he did suddenly decide that his marriage was worth saving.

 

I had the "advantage" of something that you didn't: it ended quickly for us, but we spent months talking about it. We turned it over, examined it, poked at it, argued about things from every possible angle. I know exactly what he thought and felt. But you know what? It still wasn't enough. It still hurt like nothing has ever hurt me before. He would accuse me sometimes of twisting his words, of trying to make this hurt as much as possible, but I didn't know how else to take it, you know? I offered or gave him everything I am, and in the end, was left with nothing, with less of him than I even started with. It hurts. It did, and it still does.

 

I know you want to hear from your MM, and I SO understand that. I still want to hear from mine, so badly. Every day that I don't hear from him is just another punch in the gut. But at the same time? There's absolutely nothing he can tell me at this point that will make it feel any better. (Short, of course, of "I'm divorced and moving across the country". Not happening.) I'm nowhere near feeling better, but I do recognize that I have to figure this one out by myself. He doesn't have the magic answer for me.

 

Hugs, Mickey. Sorry for all the rambling...

 

 

Waverly, I hope someday we can meet and share a drink and a hug.

 

Our stories are alike in so many ways---it's scary......the last time I saw my xMM, we were at the airport as well-----saying goodbye after spending three beautiful days together and counting the days until we'd be together again in Miami. Like you, the 'next time' never happened as it was planned for just days after his d-day. So, like you, my last memory of my love is a jetway and one last kiss, and then watching him walk away.

 

My therapist tells me the same thing too about the feelings being flipped overnight. It doesn't happen. It's not possible unless you are a sociopath. His behavior may indicate that his feelings are different, but behavior and what is actually in his head and heart are two different things.

 

I don't know why he has not reached out---I want it so much and I cannot help but envy those who exMM keep contacting them (as crazy as it sounds). My therapist thinks its a 50/50 chance that someday he will, however, I feel it's about 1%. I hold no hope that it will happen if it has not already. I will never know if he got my e-mail--the account may be closed, open, checked or never checked. It has fallen into a black hole as far as I am concerned.

 

I need to find ME and other ways to make me happy---that's what we are working on in therapy. My resounding theme is that I don't know how to be happy without the one thing that brought me the most happiness ever. I'm not sure what the answer is or where to even look for it.

 

Sometimes, I think posters on here must think I'm crazy for pining over something that was never mine to lose. But, we all have a right to feel what we do and no one but us knows 'our story.'

 

I'll never believe he could have hurt me like he did, but, unfortunately the hurt is not enough to erase over 3 years of absolute incredible memories.

 

Hugs to you, Waverly...

[Speakingofwhich]

No one who's ever loved and lost their lover (most of us at some time or another) thinks you're crazy, Mickey. We all understand and have been there. My worst time was when my husband, the father of my children, left me. It was horrendous and I didn't think I'd survive it. I know how you feel.

 

(((((Mickey)))))

[Hope Shimmers]

......the last time I saw my xMM, we were at the airport as well-----saying goodbye after spending three beautiful days together and counting the days until we'd be together again in Miami. Like you, the 'next time' never happened as it was planned for just days after his d-day. So, like you, my last memory of my love is a jetway and one last kiss, and then watching him walk away.

 

Mine too.

 

Man, I hated those airport scenes. They were horrible! We were both a mess. I was a mess all the way back home. (On the upside to that, it's a great way to get your seat mate to leave you alone )

[Mickey1982]

Mine too.

 

Man, I hated those airport scenes. They were horrible! We were both a mess. I was a mess all the way back home. (On the upside to that, it's a great way to get your seat mate to leave you alone )

 

 

Hope, how long did it take you to truly move forward and get over the 'pain?'

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, how long did it take you to truly move forward and get over the 'pain?'

 

I hesitate to tell you because I don't want to depress you. But remember that in my case, he kept coming back trying to re-engage the affair, then trying to re-engage the friendship, and all of this was after I had lost the baby and he wasn't part of it.

 

It took me years (literally) and I was depressed to the point of crying almost all the time and being not very functional much of the time.

 

Honestly - he didn't have enough respect for me to stop contacting me. He wasn't caring how it affected ME - he just wanted me in some capacity. He knew exactly how devastated I was, too.

 

I'm going to suggest something to you and I will probably get flogged for it, but I'm going to say it anyway because I see how much pain you are in and trying to move forward. And to preface it - I have wondered if he did get the "I love you" email and just didn't know how to reply. What would he say to that? I don't know if that's it or not.

 

But I'm wondering if you should (very calmly, without emotion) ask him if you could talk one last time, because you have questions that you would like to have answered based on the 3.5 year relationship you had, even though you wish him well.

 

I don't know if you can call him versus emailing him (to at least know he received your message this time).

 

I honestly don't know if that's good advice or not. But it just seems to me that in your situation it might give you what you need to move on.

 

Okay, flog away....

[inappfriendly]

No flogging coming from me, Hope. Your words, as always, are honest yet encouraging and your advice, in my opinion, is solid and coming from a place of true compassion and concern.

MY greatest wish is to have that one last conversation.

To get answers. To apologize. To properly say good-bye.

My greatest fear is that it will never happen and I will stay exactly where I am. Stuck.

 

 

Good luck, Mickey.

[Mickey1982]

I hesitate to tell you because I don't want to depress you. But remember that in my case, he kept coming back trying to re-engage the affair, then trying to re-engage the friendship, and all of this was after I had lost the baby and he wasn't part of it.

 

It took me years (literally) and I was depressed to the point of crying almost all the time and being not very functional much of the time.

 

Honestly - he didn't have enough respect for me to stop contacting me. He wasn't caring how it affected ME - he just wanted me in some capacity. He knew exactly how devastated I was, too.

 

I'm going to suggest something to you and I will probably get flogged for it, but I'm going to say it anyway because I see how much pain you are in and trying to move forward. And to preface it - I have wondered if he did get the "I love you" email and just didn't know how to reply. What would he say to that? I don't know if that's it or not.

 

But I'm wondering if you should (very calmly, without emotion) ask him if you could talk one last time, because you have questions that you would like to have answered based on the 3.5 year relationship you had, even though you wish him well.

 

I don't know if you can call him versus emailing him (to at least know he received your message this time).

 

I honestly don't know if that's good advice or not. But it just seems to me that in your situation it might give you what you need to move on.

 

Okay, flog away....

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to share all your wisdom and experience as I knew you would. I value your thoughts so VERY much because you have been through much worse and have come out as a strong woman.

 

I will seriously think about this advice. I may need a few weeks to decide what to do and to prepare myself should I decide to do it. I need to be sure I have all my questions ready to get the answers I need to move forward. And, more importantly, I need to be ready to face the consequences if he decides he won't talk to me and also the outcome if he does decide to. It's a lot of mental prep on my side to be ok with all of it, so I need to play it out in my head....at least 1000x!

 

Thank you so much for all the time you have taken to help me---

 

Tons of hugs to you. You're so special, Hope.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Mickey1982

[thinkingofhim]

Ugh... I don't think you should try to contact him any more. I really don't. I don't think it will give you "closure". If he has not reached out to you despite you sending him that last letter, what does he have to say to you? Is there some magic answer that is going to make things better? Is there an answer he can give you that will take away your pain?

 

IMO, your closure will come from within, not from anything that man has to say... if he is even willing to talk to you, and I'm sorry to say, it seems like he isn't.

[Mickey1982]

Ugh... I don't think you should try to contact him any more. I really don't. I don't think it will give you "closure". If he has not reached out to you despite you sending him that last letter, what does he have to say to you? Is there some magic answer that is going to make things better? Is there an answer he can give you that will take away your pain?

 

IMO, your closure will come from within, not from anything that man has to say... if he is even willing to talk to you, and I'm sorry to say, it seems like he isn't.

 

thinkingofhim, I sent the note to OUR e-mail account which I am not sure is open or if he is even checking---bottom line---I don't know if he ever will get it or got it.

 

Do you still feel the same after hearing this?

[BrokenPrincess]

I didn't realize it was a shared account. So do you have the password??

[Mickey1982]

I didn't realize it was a shared account. So do you have the password??

 

 

Sorry for the confusion. It's not shared nor do I have the password. It's a personal e-mail account that he set up for himself to use to e-mail each other when we first started communicating.

[spookysonata]

thinkingofhim, I sent the note to OUR e-mail account which I am not sure is open or if he is even checking---bottom line---I don't know if he ever will get it or got it.

 

Do you still feel the same after hearing this?

 

Well...I do. 10 weeks of silence is a clear message. Let it be. He knows where tout love, right?If he wanted to contact you, he would. Since he doesn't seem to, nothing you can get from him is going to make you feel any better.

You will get through this. You don't need him.

[Mickey1982]

Well...I do. 10 weeks of silence is a clear message. Let it be. He knows where tout love, right?If he wanted to contact you, he would. Since he doesn't seem to, nothing you can get from him is going to make you feel any better.

You will get through this. You don't need him.

 

spookysonata, are you an OW?

[Soverysad123]

Hello. I have been following this thread as it really touched me. I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your pain. I really don't think he has moved on etc etc just that he has to try and make his marriage work. I am sure he thinks about you millions of times a day. Don't beat yourself up over contacting him. If he has seen the message he probably is not reaching out because he respects you and knows how much you are hurting. He will be hurting too. Just sounds like he is "manning up" and doing the right thing for his family. Sounds like he is taking the logical approach rather than the emotional.

 

If only their was a magic wand to make you feel better. I have had relationships that have ended but the pain of my MM relationship ending has caused me more hurt than I knew existed. Why that is I don't know but I can feel your heart ache and I am so very sorry. Please take care sweetheart.

[Mickey1982]

Hello. I have been following this thread as it really touched me. I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your pain. I really don't think he has moved on etc etc just that he has to try and make his marriage work. I am sure he thinks about you millions of times a day. Don't beat yourself up over contacting him. If he has seen the message he probably is not reaching out because he respects you and knows how much you are hurting. He will be hurting too. Just sounds like he is "manning up" and doing the right thing for his family. Sounds like he is taking the logical approach rather than the emotional.

 

If only their was a magic wand to make you feel better. I have had relationships that have ended but the pain of my MM relationship ending has caused me more hurt than I knew existed. Why that is I don't know but I can feel your heart ache and I am so very sorry. Please take care sweetheart.

 

 

Thank you so much for reaching out to me....My guess is that you are in my shoes----still in NC but hoping for some....

[spookysonata]

spookysonata, are you an OW?

 

When i was younger and not as wise.

Why? Are you planning to discount my advice because it isn't what you want to hear?

[Mickey1982]

When i was younger and not as wise.

Why? Are you planning to discount my advice because it isn't what you want to hear?

 

 

Not at all....I just did not see your story posted anywhere. No offense taken at all!

[Livingeachday]

Mickey as much as I love HopeShimmers posts, advise and input I'm not supporting her advise in this case. The reason is the way you MM handeled the break-up from what you've told us. As much as I agree that nobody but a sociopath can just get rid of feelings in an instant everybody has got a different way to handle their feelings.

 

And although I trieded to refrain from making any assumptions about your MM in the last weeks I'm now going to do it: Your MM to me seems pretty conflict avoidant in the way he handled the break-up. Telling you all the things he told you about the state of his marriage didn't leave much or even any room for discussion about your feelings. Hence I don't think he will be willing to have a discussion about it now. He may be able to have that when he thinks that your feelings for him must have cooled down and there will be less "conflinct" from your side. Avoiding the "conflict" with you doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings for you - it's just easier for him to not face them or your feelings.

 

Due to this I don't think you will get any reaction from him that would answer your questions at this point in time ...maybe at some point in the future when you are hopefully at a much better place emotionally or maybe never.

 

But all of this are just assumptions based on your posts. You can probably try to evaluate on his behaviour in conflicts in the past - best give away that he is conflict avoidant would actually be if you struggle to find examples for conflicts in your relation or if the number is extremy low for 3.5 year .

[Mickey1982]

Mickey as much as I love HopeShimmers posts, advise and input I'm not supporting her advise in this case. The reason is the way you MM handeled the break-up from what you've told us. As much as I agree that nobody but a sociopath can just get rid of feelings in an instant everybody has got a different way to handle their feelings.

 

And although I trieded to refrain from making any assumptions about your MM in the last weeks I'm now going to do it: Your MM to me seems pretty conflict avoidant in the way he handled the break-up. Telling you all the things he told you about the state of his marriage didn't leave much or even any room for discussion about your feelings. Hence I don't think he will be willing to have a discussion about it now. He may be able to have that when he thinks that your feelings for him must have cooled down and there will be less "conflinct" from your side. Avoiding the "conflict" with you doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings for you - it's just easier for him to not face them or your feelings.

 

Due to this I don't think you will get any reaction from him that would answer your questions at this point in time ...maybe at some point in the future when you are hopefully at a much better place emotionally or maybe never.

 

But all of this are just assumptions based on your posts. You can probably try to evaluate on his behaviour in conflicts in the past - best give away that he is conflict avoidant would actually be if you struggle to find examples for conflicts in your relation or if the number is extremy low for 3.5 year .

 

 

Thank you livingeachday-----I can count the conflicts on one hand. You assumed correctly.

 

I am actually afraid to contact him for fear of the additional pain it will inflict on me. In a period of weakness (Monday), I e-mailed the account that I felt was the least threatening---an e-mail account which is he most likely not ever checking and I will never know.

 

I can't take any more pain from him at this point in my life. Although it appears I have made zero progress, I can at least function now which is more than when this whole nightmare ended. The thought of him further telling me how he has moved on and is grinning from ear to ear in a blissful marriage would destroy any progress I've made----let alone demolish me completely.

 

As I told Hope, I REALLY need to think about this carefully beacuse I am fearful of the outcome.

 

Thanks for reaching out, my friend.

[Tullyseptember]

Hi Mickey,

 

I hope each new day is bringing you a little more clarity. Would it help do you think to not focus on how his feelings changed so suddenly for you? I imagine the fallout from D-day is an horrendous basket of various emotions for all involved. It could be that feelings are changing hourly and that no one really knows how they are truly feeling. A roller coaster with a lot of plummets for each person involved. For myself I don't believe closure comes from another person. Of course we all believe differently it is just for myself that I have learned no other person holds the answer for me to move forward. Looking at my choices and actions as well as my reactions are all because of decisions I make. It can be tough going that is for sure to fight the urge that so and so made me feel such and such. It sure is freeing once I face who really made me feel and think the way I do:) You can do it Mickey, you are already in the process of working with a Therapist, free your mind of what you can't control:)

[Livingeachday]

Just one more note: The blissfull marriage thing is actually another hint for the conflict avoidance - in telling himself how great and blissfull his marriage is now he is avoiding facing his wrong doings by telling himself that it lead to a much happier marriage therefore making it "not-that-bad" for him in his head.

 

In case you wonder on what my assumptions are based: I got a track record of conflict avoiding, bordering sociopathic man from my youth that would almost be funny if it wouldn't be a direct reflection of the bad choices I'm able to make.

[thinkingofhim]

Well...I do. 10 weeks of silence is a clear message. Let it be. He knows where tout love, right?If he wanted to contact you, he would. Since he doesn't seem to, nothing you can get from him is going to make you feel any better.

You will get through this. You don't need him.

 

I agree, and yes, I do feel the same.

 

If he wanted to talk to you, to provide you closure, he has had that chance every day for the last 10 weeks and not taken it. I'm sure you've read about WS showing their BS every scrap of contact from the OW. Do you really want to keep contacting him, keeping telling him you love him, keep begging for answers when if he is reconciling there is a HUGE possibility that he will be forwarding these things directly to his BS?? If he's being this strict with NC I think it's a very real possibility that he is doing things by the book and turned that email account over to his BS.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you but reaching out to xMM is not like reaching out to a single xBF. He told you he was going to work on his M and rejoin his family... I think for your own sake it's wisest to operate as though by contacting him you are also contacting BS.

 

In the end, if he wanted to give you answers, he would have reached out to you by now. I think repeatedly contacting this man is just opening the door to fresh hurts and new disappointments.

Edited April 11, 2014 by thinkingofhim

[Waverly]

I can't take any more pain from him at this point in my life. Although it appears I have made zero progress, I can at least function now which is more than when this whole nightmare ended. The thought of him further telling me how he has moved on and is grinning from ear to ear in a blissful marriage would destroy any progress I've made----let alone demolish me completely.

 

As I told Hope, I REALLY need to think about this carefully beacuse I am fearful of the outcome.

 

I keep going back and forth on Hope's advice.

 

Mickey, you know I know all too well what you're going through, and I so so so understand the desire to get an answer, any answer from him, that will help you make sense of this. I know you know that I did get those "answers" from my xMM. And I was still a total and complete mess. I held on too long, hoping that eventually one of the answers would make it easier to live with the pain. It never did. Everything he told me, I held on to, but it still just hurt.

 

But -- if I hadn't gotten those answers....well, I am having trouble fathoming a world where I would have been more of a mess than I already was/am, but I think I really would have been even worse off. I genuinely, honestly loved this man with all that I was, and the pain of losing him was and is the worst thing I've ever been through. No answer he gave me made that easier, but at least I knew how he felt.

 

So, I don't know. I completely understand why getting an answer from him is important to you. I craved that, and part of me still thinks that there is some magical "answer" I'll have one day that will make this all make sense. But I also worry that, if you're anything like me (and I suspect you are), whatever he tells you -- if he even tells you anything -- just won't be enough. You've made progress over the last eleven weeks. You have, even if it feels like baby steps. Like you said, you're functioning now. That's progress! And I worry that talking to him will just set you back. Even if he gives you what you want to hear, that he loves you, that you mean the world to him, it still won't change your situation.

 

After we "broke up", it took a long time for us to stop saying "I love you" to each other. I wanted to hear it so badly. And every once in a while, he would still tell me that, and I just lost it every single time. I wanted to hear it, but it hurt, it hurt, it hurt. I couldn't have him.

 

I just don't know if it's going to be worth it for you.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm going back and forth on my advice too

 

The reason I said what I did was that if you were more or less 'stuck' and driving yourself crazy trying to get answers, I thought getting those answers (one way or another - even if he doesn't respond) might help you move forward. But you are correct - it could also cause you a lot more hurt.

 

If you feel you are making progress then perhaps you can just keep that option in the back of your mind for now. I just want the best for you Mickey - and I don't want to give bad advice. I just want whatever will help you heal the fastest.