Just broke NC.....

[Waverly]

I'm going back and forth on my advice too

 

The reason I said what I did was that if you were more or less 'stuck' and driving yourself crazy trying to get answers, I thought getting those answers (one way or another - even if he doesn't respond) might help you move forward. But you are correct - it could also cause you a lot more hurt.

 

If you feel you are making progress then perhaps you can just keep that option in the back of your mind for now. I just want the best for you Mickey - and I don't want to give bad advice. I just want whatever will help you heal the fastest.

 

Hope, I hope you didn't take my response the wrong way! I totally understand the advice you gave. No flogging here.

[LearningToMoveOn]

I don't know which way I'm leaning with Hope's advice either. In endings before my xAPs D Day, I always wanted to have that one last goodbye talk, to say whatever needed to be said, get answers, get closure. And after the talk, I would feel a little better and like maybe, just maybe I could move on. But it would never last. There were always more questions, always something I wish I had said differently or wish that he had said differently. The fact is that there is no magical ending that will take your pain away. I'm just trying to imagine what I would want to hear if I were you Mickey. That he's sorry for the way he ended things and the things he said? That's what I really want to hear from my xAP. That and he still cares about me and doesn't hate me or blame me. But if I'm being honest with myself, I don't really know if that would be enough because it still wouldn't change anything. I would give anything to hear it but I can't risk contacting him and either not getting that reaction or even worse, him sharing it with his BS.

 

I still to this day regret sending him the one last email after he asked me to stop contacting him where I told him I understood and that I hoped he was ok. Some days it feels like I just let him off way too easy and some days it feels like at least I went out with a small slice of my dignity intact. I'll always second guess what I said and did not say but that would be true of any last conversation.

 

So, in all of this rambling, I feel like my advice is not to contact him - that the potential risk is not worth the reward. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I hope this is at least somewhat helpful Hang in there! You are making progress, even if you don't see it. We see it.

[LearningToMoveOn]

Oh, and I am definitely not flogging either Hope. You are amazing and your advice has been so immensely helpful to me. Thank you!

[eye of the storm]

Micky, this is hard. Forgive yourself for slipping, get back up and keep moving.

 

When my ExH left, I "needed" answers. I begged for them, snooped for them, made them up in my head. None of them helped. They just made things worse. The answers did not change the facts. They didn't make things better. The search for them just kept me stuck.

 

You need to stop living based on him. Start based on you.

 

Instead of answers I found coping skills. Yoga helped, my dogs helped, my kids helped, relearning me helped. But the thing that helped me the most was letting go. Letting go did not free him, it freed me.

 

I hope you find peace.

[Mickey1982]

You are all making me cry because of the advice and support you are giving to me.

 

I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you.

 

Thank you for all the love!

 

Mickey

[Soverysad123]

Hello Micky. Sort of been in the same situation. Things ended with my AP just over 5 weeks ago - no D day. We had no contact for just over a week and then I very stupidly drove pass his house and he saw me and he thought I was going to tell his wife. I wasn't, just wanted to be connected somehow. Anyway that broke contact and we are now friends?????? Whatever that is. Seen him a couple of times. He calls 3/4 times a week. It screws with my head, he is pretty cold in most conversation we have and let's me know how he has moved on etc etc but is so pleased we can be best friends. Today he called and asked how I was feeling, I said that I had accepted how he has moved on and now doing the same for my own sanity. He then said that he has not moved on but we can only be friends because sooner or later there will be a d day.

 

Can't believe how much I have been thinking of you. If wishes were fishes hey.

 

Take care from sunny England x

[AlwaysGrowing]

Mickey,

 

Write down all your questions.

At the end of the page...think of the worst possible answers the MM could respond with. The ones that would solidify the end.

 

They need not be a reflection of you. They don't have to be your truth.

 

Close the chapter with THE END.

 

Start the next chapter of your life. Stop looking in the rear view mirror...your future isn't there. Get yourself ready...healed...healthy...open for the next great thing.

[Cocochai]

My advice would be to not do anything based on your emotions... I know easier said then done and this actually pertains to every situation in life.

 

What helps ME, is crying things out. And I mean a good, hard, slob at the mouth crying fit in the dark. It breaks away all those unwanted emotions that was built inside of me.

 

I've been bitter lately with my situation and a close friend of mines (doesn't know my situation), told me she could feel it when she was around me.

 

The point I'm trying to make is, that XMM stole something from you... Your happiness. You have to find a way to bring that back to yourself. Your power back.

 

So if you decide to try and get answered from the XMM, will that help you move on and get yourself back? Or will it make you want more from him?

 

Find a way to bring yourself... Mickey back.

[Mickey1982]

It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember......hugs to all my LS friend for all the never ending support.

[Bootsie]

I agree, and yes, I do feel the same.

 

If he wanted to talk to you, to provide you closure, he has had that chance every day for the last 10 weeks and not taken it. I'm sure you've read about WS showing their BS every scrap of contact from the OW. Do you really want to keep contacting him, keeping telling him you love him, keep begging for answers when if he is reconciling there is a HUGE possibility that he will be forwarding these things directly to his BS?? If he's being this strict with NC I think it's a very real possibility that he is doing things by the book and turned that email account over to his BS.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you but reaching out to xMM is not like reaching out to a single xBF. He told you he was going to work on his M and rejoin his family... I think for your own sake it's wisest to operate as though by contacting him you are also contacting BS.

 

In the end, if he wanted to give you answers, he would have reached out to you by now. I think repeatedly contacting this man is just opening the door to fresh hurts and new disappointments.

 

 

As a BW from way back, I agree with this. I imagine my fWH's OW would be utterly humiliated if she knew that what she believed/hoped were her private communications with my H, had all been described/shown to me. This includes emails etc that occurred during the affair and even nude photos of her.

 

 

I have tried to give Mickey and others who may be in a similar situation, some knowledge about what goes on in the marriage where the WH is genuinely trying to reconcile. Obviously I don't know for sure that this is the case in any particular situation (including Mickey's), but if there is a genuine reconciliation going on then it's highly likely that the MM has made a new agreement with his wife that includes, NC with the OW, and total honesty about all communications and attempts at communications.

 

 

Recovering/reconciling a marriage is a lot of hard work and no bed of roses, and it is hard for a WH to keep up a pretence with an alert and distressed wife, but false reconciliations do occur. There are also some genuinely reconciled marriages and I think/hope that is what has happened to me.

 

 

My advice is write off this recent attempt as a mistake, a small step back in the process of recovering from a failed relationship. If he either responds or fails to respond you have your answer. Even if he does respond and wants to resume the affair, it's unlikely to be the same.

 

 

I'm on this forum as a BW and have never been an OW, but many years ago in an earlier relationship I have cheated on a long term partner (no marriage or kids) and it's something I don't want to repeat. We broke up over it.

 

 

It's soul-destroying to be stringing along 2 people and it was horrible to see the pain inflicted on my partner when he found out, and to know I was the selfish cause of it all. I guess the OM was hurt too, but I suppose I didn't get to see that as much as I was essentially NC with him, and didn't end up with him, nor did I want to after it all blew up.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Bootsie

[Mickey1982]

Hello Micky. Sort of been in the same situation. Things ended with my AP just over 5 weeks ago - no D day. We had no contact for just over a week and then I very stupidly drove pass his house and he saw me and he thought I was going to tell his wife. I wasn't, just wanted to be connected somehow. Anyway that broke contact and we are now friends?????? Whatever that is. Seen him a couple of times. He calls 3/4 times a week. It screws with my head, he is pretty cold in most conversation we have and let's me know how he has moved on etc etc but is so pleased we can be best friends. Today he called and asked how I was feeling, I said that I had accepted how he has moved on and now doing the same for my own sanity. He then said that he has not moved on but we can only be friends because sooner or later there will be a d day.

 

Can't believe how much I have been thinking of you. If wishes were fishes hey.

 

Take care from sunny England x

 

Thanks soverysad.....your thoughts mean a lot. Hope you figure things out and can move forward as well...

[Mickey1982]

As a BW from way back, I agree with this. I imagine my fWH's OW would be utterly humiliated if she knew that what she believed/hoped were her private communications with my H, had all been described/shown to me. This includes emails etc that occurred during the affair and even nude photos of her.

 

 

I have tried to give Mickey and others who may be in a similar situation, some knowledge about what goes on in the marriage where the WH is genuinely trying to reconcile. Obviously I don't know for sure that this is the case in any particular situation (including Mickey's), but if there is a genuine reconciliation going on then it's highly likely that the MM has made a new agreement with his wife that includes, NC with the OW, and total honesty about all communications and attempts at communications.

 

 

Recovering/reconciling a marriage is a lot of hard work and no bed of roses, and it is hard for a WH to keep up a pretence with an alert and distressed wife, but false reconciliations do occur. There are also some genuinely reconciled marriages and I think/hope that is what has happened to me.

 

 

My advice is write off this recent attempt as a mistake, a small step back in the process of recovering from a failed relationship. If he either responds or fails to respond you have your answer. Even if he does respond and wants to resume the affair, it's unlikely to be the same.

 

 

I'm on this forum as a BW and have never been an OW, but many years ago in an earlier relationship I have cheated on a long term partner (no marriage or kids) and it's something I don't want to repeat. We broke up over it.

 

 

It's soul-destroying to be stringing along 2 people and it was horrible to see the pain inflicted on my partner when he found out, and to know I was the selfish cause of it all. I guess the OM was hurt too, but I suppose I didn't get to see that as much as I was essentially NC with him, and didn't end up with him, nor did I want to after it all blew up.

 

 

Thank you Bootsie for your honest opinion from the other side. We nedver agreed on NC, it just happened after our last phone conversation when he told me that he loved me. I know, actions are louder than words. And, I've received NEITHER in 11 weeks. sigh.

[Tullyseptember]

Mickey I don't want to be rude but I don't think NC necessarily needs to be agreed upon. Your OM may have thought it was understood in your last conversation that NC was going to happen. I also understand this leaves you with a real sense of loss. Change your thought pattern and go NC on HIM:)

[Cocochai]

It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember......hugs to all my LS friend for all the never ending support.

 

You never forget a person especially when you love/have feelings got them. But if that person whoever it maybe (in your case the XMM), choose to leave.... Let them go, you know deep down he never wanted to let you go, it was FORCED to work on his M. And I bet you, he's angry with hisself for having to do that but that's what he choose.

 

My XMM always confessed he never wanted to let me go and that if the situation was different, we'd be together. But reality is... He would prob cheat on me and carry on a longterm emotional A with someone else if we were together.

 

He knows he can't give me what I want/need so... He disappears when I start to get upset and complain or leaves when his BS suspects anything.

 

Not fair for me in anyway to deal with that.

[Mickey1982]

You never forget a person especially when you love/have feelings got them. But if that person whoever it maybe (in your case the XMM), choose to leave.... Let them go, you know deep down he never wanted to let you go, it was FORCED to work on his M. And I bet you, he's angry with hisself for having to do that but that's what he choose.

 

My XMM always confessed he never wanted to let me go and that if the situation was different, we'd be together. But reality is... He would prob cheat on me and carry on a longterm emotional A with someone else if we were together.

 

He knows he can't give me what I want/need so... He disappears when I start to get upset and complain or leaves when his BS suspects anything.

 

Not fair for me in anyway to deal with that.

 

Cocochai, you are still in NC, right? And, yes, I got the same thing....if the situation was different, we'd be together.

[Cocochai]

Cocochai, you are still in NC, right? And, yes, I got the same thing....if the situation was different, we'd be together.

 

I just choose to not "reach out" on my part and yes I'm still in NC (haven't heard from him). I deleted his # from my phone so I wouldn't do it if I started to miss him. I've decided to move on and do things that makes me happy...

 

If he reaches out I'll be cordial but I'm not resuming the A even if he tries to beg like he has in the past. Not worth the emotional roller coaster.

 

Also Mickey, I want you to know that even if your XMM decides to reach out in the future... The A will never be the same because he's always going to make it where he's not caught. You maybe put as not even a 2nd priority but the very last at that point.

[Mickey1982]

I just choose to not "reach out" on my part and yes I'm still in NC (haven't heard from him). I deleted his # from my phone so I wouldn't do it if I started to miss him. I've decided to move on and do things that makes me happy...

 

If he reaches out I'll be cordial but I'm not resuming the A even if he tries to beg like he has in the past. Not worth the emotional roller coaster.

 

Also Mickey, I want you to know that even if your XMM decides to reach out in the future... The A will never be the same because he's always going to make it where he's not caught. You maybe put as not even a 2nd priority but the very last at that point.

 

 

I know, Cocochai. It will never be the same as sad as that is to accept.

[Patna]

I know, Cocochai. It will never be the same as sad as that is to accept.

 

Hi Mickey, that's something I'd been trying to tell you too. If it hurts in the past, it'll hurt even more after Dday.

 

You were together for 3 years. Don't beat yourself up whether did he love you. He definitely did and you'll know it. But circumstances can change the future. So he may loved you, but the circumstances has change and he can no longer loves you. Can he be as cruel as to switch the emotional tap off? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I'm amazed that my exMM could, and sometimes I still feel he misses me. I was obsessed with such thoughts for 4 months before I could finally move on. I can't say these questions are no longer important to me, but at least these days I am able to push these thoughts away when they seem to consume me.

 

I know you envy those who exMM reaches back to them. But all the more he did that to me, all the more I became even more obsessed with such thoughts. I can never heal, I can never move on. He kept me wrapped in his finger because I became even more desperate for his affirmation, which was even more pathetic.

 

Don't think of NC because he didn't reach out to you. Think of NC because you are simply too busy with yourself to have time to reach out to him. It's a time you ought to try to get out and do the stuffs you like. I know you probably would not have the right mood for these, but try to set a goal each day. It helped me. I try to set 3 things to do a day. Most days, I only get to accomplish 1-2. After Dday, I can no longer focus on stuffs and become less efficient in everything. Sometimes it takes ages just to complete a simple task. But hey, at least it does occupy my mind even longer After accomplishing the task, sometimes as insignificant as doing the laundry, it at least gives me a small sense of accomplishments that helped me feels better, which I need it to help clock my good days. Sometimes I just needed to feel I'm in control of my life again. Accomplishing tasks also gives me the sense of normality again. It took me about 3 months before I can finally step out and hang out with friends. These 2 weeks, I'm focusing on online shopping. He still fills my mind most of the day, but at least I don't have to be obsessed with him all the time anymore. I'd signed up for a 10km run for June, so I can keep myself busy with jogging maybe 2 times a week. I never like jogging, but I'm doing stuffs now that can just help me move forward.

 

Mickey, change your perspective of looking at NC. Hugs! We'll all get through it one day. It isn't about him not reaching out to you. It's because you have better things to do than to reach out to him

Edited April 12, 2014 by Patna

[Mickey1982]

Hi Mickey, that's something I'd been trying to tell you too. If it hurts in the past, it'll hurt even more after Dday.

 

You were together for 3 years. Don't beat yourself up whether did he love you. He definitely did and you'll know it. But circumstances can change the future. So he may loved you, but the circumstances has change and he can no longer loves you. Can he be as cruel as to switch the emotional tap off? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I'm amazed that my exMM could, and sometimes I still feel he misses me. I was obsessed with such thoughts for 4 months before I could finally move on. I can't say these questions are no longer important to me, but at least these days I am able to push these thoughts away when they seem to consume me.

 

I know you envy those who exMM reaches back to them. But all the more he did that to me, all the more I became even more obsessed with such thoughts. I can never heal, I can never move on. He kept me wrapped in his finger because I became even more desperate for his affirmation, which was even more pathetic.

 

Don't think of NC because he didn't reach out to you. Think of NC because you are simply too busy with yourself to have time to reach out to him. It's a time you ought to try to get out and do the stuffs you like. I know you probably would not have the right mood for these, but try to set a goal each day. It helped me. I try to set 3 things to do a day. Most days, I only get to accomplish 1-2. After Dday, I can no longer focus on stuffs and become less efficient in everything. Sometimes it takes ages just to complete a simple task. But hey, at least it does occupy my mind even longer After accomplishing the task, sometimes as insignificant as doing the laundry, it at least gives me a small sense of accomplishments that helped me feels better, which I need it to help clock my good days. Sometimes I just needed to feel I'm in control of my life again. Accomplishing tasks also gives me the sense of normality again. It took me about 3 months before I can finally step out and hang out with friends. These 2 weeks, I'm focusing on online shopping. He still fills my mind most of the day, but at least I don't have to be obsessed with him all the time anymore. I'd signed up for a 10km run for June, so I can keep myself busy with jogging maybe 2 times a week. I never like jogging, but I'm doing stuffs now that can just help me move forward.

 

Mickey, change your perspective of looking at NC. Hugs! We'll all get through it one day. It isn't about him not reaching out to you. It's because you have better things to do than to reach out to him

 

 

Thank you Patna! Did you both have a d-day? I can't remember which one of you did or both?

[Patna]

He had the Dday.

[Cocochai]

Hi Mickey, that's something I'd been trying to tell you too. If it hurts in the past, it'll hurt even more after Dday.

 

You were together for 3 years. Don't beat yourself up whether did he love you. He definitely did and you'll know it. But circumstances can change the future. So he may loved you, but the circumstances has change and he can no longer loves you. Can he be as cruel as to switch the emotional tap off? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I'm amazed that my exMM could, and sometimes I still feel he misses me. I was obsessed with such thoughts for 4 months before I could finally move on. I can't say these questions are no longer important to me, but at least these days I am able to push these thoughts away when they seem to consume me.

 

I know you envy those who exMM reaches back to them. But all the more he did that to me, all the more I became even more obsessed with such thoughts. I can never heal, I can never move on. He kept me wrapped in his finger because I became even more desperate for his affirmation, which was even more pathetic.

 

Don't think of NC because he didn't reach out to you. Think of NC because you are simply too busy with yourself to have time to reach out to him. It's a time you ought to try to get out and do the stuffs you like. I know you probably would not have the right mood for these, but try to set a goal each day. It helped me. I try to set 3 things to do a day. Most days, I only get to accomplish 1-2. After Dday, I can no longer focus on stuffs and become less efficient in everything. Sometimes it takes ages just to complete a simple task. But hey, at least it does occupy my mind even longer After accomplishing the task, sometimes as insignificant as doing the laundry, it at least gives me a small sense of accomplishments that helped me feels better, which I need it to help clock my good days. Sometimes I just needed to feel I'm in control of my life again. Accomplishing tasks also gives me the sense of normality again. It took me about 3 months before I can finally step out and hang out with friends. These 2 weeks, I'm focusing on online shopping. He still fills my mind most of the day, but at least I don't have to be obsessed with him all the time anymore. I'd signed up for a 10km run for June, so I can keep myself busy with jogging maybe 2 times a week. I never like jogging, but I'm doing stuffs now that can just help me move forward.

 

Mickey, change your perspective of looking at NC. Hugs! We'll all get through it one day. It isn't about him not reaching out to you. It's because you have better things to do than to reach out to him

 

 

I love it! And that's exactly what I had to do as well... I spent most of my time thinking about what my XMM was probably doing when we weren't talking during the weekends. Now I make plans to do things with my 5yr old and my mother and the only time I think of him, is when I have quiet time to myself...

 

This guy I have never met on the train riding home from work yesterday, had some flowers I'm guessing he was giving to a spouse. He took a single red rose out and gave it to me, said I was pretty and to enjoy my weekend. I thought to myself, my XMM has never thought to give me things like that. I told myself letting go also means, find someone who does little things like that "just because".

 

What a waste of memory space to clog my mind up w/ a person who treats me like a last priority. He can't even take me out in the same area he lives in.

[Mickey1982]

I love it! And that's exactly what I had to do as well... I spent most of my time thinking about what my XMM was probably doing when we weren't talking during the weekends. Now I make plans to do things with my 5yr old and my mother and the only time I think of him, is when I have quiet time to myself...

 

This guy I have never met on the train riding home from work yesterday, had some flowers I'm guessing he was giving to a spouse. He took a single red rose out and gave it to me, said I was pretty and to enjoy my weekend. I thought to myself, my XMM has never thought to give me things like that. I told myself letting go also means, find someone who does little things like that "just because".

 

What a waste of memory space to clog my mind up w/ a person who treats me like a last priority. He can't even take me out in the same area he lives in.

 

 

You two are doing so GREAT....I'm so proud of you both!

[Patna]

You two are doing so GREAT....I'm so proud of you both!

 

Mickey, it took me 4 months to finally reach where I am. I was a complete wretch before this, obsessed with him and our past, and even if he still loves me and will get back with me. I'm still far from getting out of this mess, and I still feel like breaking down and crying on some days. But on days I feel discouraged, I'll look back at myself a few months earlier and is comforted knowing I'm in a better place than before. The old saying of 'time will heal' sounds so cliche, and I didn't believe I would ever heal going through such a devastating thing in my life. Call me silly, I was even resistant subconsciously to healing because I didn't want to move on from my past with him. How can I move on from the person I love so much? I tried all means of hanging on. I wasn't even as strong as you because even though he reached out, I also contacted him numerous times after our Dday. I cannot even hold out a 10 weeks NC like you. As cliche as it sounds, now I believe time will heal, and time will be our best friend

[Cocochai]

Mickey, it took me 4 months to finally reach where I am. I was a complete wretch before this, obsessed with him and our past, and even if he still loves me and will get back with me. I'm still far from getting out of this mess, and I still feel like breaking down and crying on some days. But on days I feel discouraged, I'll look back at myself a few months earlier and is comforted knowing I'm in a better place than before. The old saying of 'time will heal' sounds so cliche, and I didn't believe I would ever heal going through such a devastating thing in my life. Call me silly, I was even resistant subconsciously to healing because I didn't want to move on from my past with him. How can I move on from the person I love so much? I tried all means of hanging on. I wasn't even as strong as you because even though he reached out, I also contacted him numerous times after our Dday. I cannot even hold out a 10 weeks NC like you. As cliche as it sounds, now I believe time will heal, and time will be our best friend

 

 

Has he tried to contact you again... I was actually feeling the urge to reach out but so glad I deleted his # so I can't even if I wanted to... I'm too lazy to search for it too.

 

Thanks Mickey I'm proud of you too! It hurts right now but trust me.. With time and a busy schedule of doing things that make you happy.. You'll wonder to yourself why he even mattered.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, it took me 4 months to finally reach where I am. I was a complete wretch before this, obsessed with him and our past, and even if he still loves me and will get back with me. I'm still far from getting out of this mess, and I still feel like breaking down and crying on some days. But on days I feel discouraged, I'll look back at myself a few months earlier and is comforted knowing I'm in a better place than before. The old saying of 'time will heal' sounds so cliche, and I didn't believe I would ever heal going through such a devastating thing in my life. Call me silly, I was even resistant subconsciously to healing because I didn't want to move on from my past with him. How can I move on from the person I love so much? I tried all means of hanging on. I wasn't even as strong as you because even though he reached out, I also contacted him numerous times after our Dday. I cannot even hold out a 10 weeks NC like you. As cliche as it sounds, now I believe time will heal, and time will be our best friend

 

 

I'm still on the merry-go-round of good times. I need to get on the roller coaster of the ups and downs---the way he treated me at the end. Rick Fox told me in a post to remember his actions at the end beacuse they matter the most. HE CHOSE HER and that's what I have to remember as hard as that is to still accept---I always felt his was MINE---HE made me feel that way...but, I NEVER was..