Just broke NC.....

[Mickey1982]

Mickey,

My xMM ( I am a MW too) up and left our EA high and dry with no explanation right after dropping off the face of the earth for 5 days over thanksgiving and then when he answered an email he was cold and heartless.

At the very second I started to feel a little smile again, right after Christmas after I cried an ocean if tears, couldnt stomach christmas music or sleep or eat,

My heart was crushed and I was a hollow wreck.

Then, he inched back in with happy birthday, and then still it took a few months before he began to warm to friendship but he was sooooo cold. I still dont know what happened but Im glad to have my friend back some days, but often....I wish he had stayed gone.

 

If he comes back Mickey it will validate you, but put u on rollercoaster again & thats the part I personally hate.

 

In a strange way, i envy your freedom. Think on that!

 

 

Thank you, herself. I know that it is BEST for me to not have him in my life any more. My very best friend watched me crumble and fall into a pitiful state in the few weeks right after it happened. She says that he became toxic for me. It was absolutely insane what I turned into after his d-day. I am making progress and I honestly, don't want to turn back even it means the possibility of getting answers or being friends. Maybe someday, but not now. I'm still too mentally fragile and I fear returning to that ugly state where I am functionless and pathertic. I NEVER want to feel that dark and hopeless again. It's not worth it.

[herself]

He never had to be so cold to you. And Im sorry he was but he will have to live with that.

I hope he stays gone for your sake. Not likely, but I sure hope so because your getting to a really good spot. It just keeps getting better.

For me it was a 13 yr. friendship...also met at work....so thats alot to leave behind but sadly it probably would have been better for me.

So happy to c ur progress. Slow & steady friend.

[Mickey1982]

He never had to be so cold to you. And Im sorry he was but he will have to live with that.

I hope he stays gone for your sake. Not likely, but I sure hope so because your getting to a really good spot. It just keeps getting better.

For me it was a 13 yr. friendship...also met at work....so thats alot to leave behind but sadly it probably would have been better for me.

So happy to c ur progress. Slow & steady friend.

 

That's the part that sealed my fate....His d-day and returning to his wife was just half of it. But the manner in which he followed up (i.e. rubbing his new found happiness in my face), is something I could NEVER imagine him doing to me NOR would I ever do it to him.

[herself]

Right. I still believed she was sitting next to him at keyboard but since he has his work account that leaves questions. Either way he has to live with being viscious.

Personally feel he handed you your freedom back.

Overnight marital bliss? Eh, was probably always good for them.

He just wanted more.

I loved my husband silly and to peoces while I was in a full blown EA.

Always believed loving more than one person was not only possible, but very common.

[Mickey1982]

Right. I still believed she was sitting next to him at keyboard but since he has his work account that leaves questions. Either way he has to live with being viscious.

Personally feel he handed you your freedom back.

Overnight marital bliss? Eh, was probably always good for them.

He just wanted more.

I loved my husband silly and to peoces while I was in a full blown EA.

Always believed loving more than one person was not only possible, but very common.

 

 

When we got back in touch and before we became involved, he shared with me just how bad his marriage had become and that she beacme like a 'sister' to him. Again, that was when we were just friends and before we moved into an EA and then a PA. So, I am fairly confident that it was not great, but apparently not bad enough to give up on for the kids sake.

[Cocochai]

We met at my second job out of college, dated for a few months, broke up and each moved on to other companies. We then reconnected on FB and the rest is history.....

 

Oh okay gotcha! Well, it was bad timing... Not to keep asking you questions but just trying to get a feel for the XMM. Do you know whether or not this was his FIRST A with you?

 

My XMM confessed he was cheating on his BS before they got married and after... So in my case... I know that if I decided to cut him off completely (which I plan to), he will eventually find a new AP.

 

Usually they go back to the AP that they are more comfortable with engaging it with (Like in your case).

 

So i'm telling you this because although your healing each and everyday... When you are done with this jerk... He WILL try to reach back out. Once things calm down on his end.

 

Some people just DON'T believe in Monogamy... Yet proud to say they have a family.

 

Just stay strong and always do things that MAKE YOU HAPPY and I promise you'll be in a better place then your feeling at the moment. It takes time but rehassing the events will only prolong moving on.

 

YES he had a connection with you

YES he would still be talking to you had he not got busted

NO he didn't want to let you go

YES he has a wife and doesn't want to leave the M for whatever reason at the moment.

YES MICKEY you WILL move on.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Cocochai

[Mickey1982]

Oh okay gotcha! Well, it was bad timing... Not to keep asking you questions but just trying to get a feel for the XMM. Do you know whether or not this was his FIRST A with you?

 

My XMM confessed he was cheating on his BS before they got married and after... So in my case... I know that if I decided to cut him off completely (which I plan to), he will eventually find a new AP.

 

Usually they go back to the AP that they are more comfortable with engaging it with (Like in your case).

 

So i'm telling you this because although your healing each and everyday... When you are done with this jerk... He WILL try to reach back out. Once things calm down on his end.

 

Some people just DON'T believe in Monogamy... Yet proud to say they have a family.

 

 

He told me it was his first, Cocochai so I think it was. I'll be honest, if I was in bar and looked accross the room, I'd NEVER give him a second look and most women would not either! But, I know the whole package and that is what I fell in love with.

[Soverysad123]

Hello Mickey.

 

You have said how your xMM went back to his wife because of his children and I think a few have said that he may of used that as an excuse. Of course I don't know what his true reasons are but I can let you know my situation and thoughts. I was having an affair with the most amazing man I have ever met. He was and is my sole mate. He is the man for me but he is married and so am I. As much as I love him and I really believe I truly do. I can not ever be with him as I have two beautiful children. I can never put my children through that because it will make me whole. My children are safe and secure in our family unit. My husband is a good husband, we just have a brother/sister relationship. I know that my children deserve a happy family unit and staying with my husband will give them that but it means I don't have the love of my life, which hurts me like hell. I shouldn't of married my husband but I did.

 

My xMM and I are doing this friendship thing which by the way doesn't work because it's not the same and just upsets me each time we talk. I ended the A about 4/5 weeks ago because I just couldn't on keep taking the risk of being found out. One of the hardest things ever and I regretted it as soon as I did it, more or less. We had no contact for a week and since then it's been up and down emotionally. I really want him in my life but I know I can't have him. I bet that's the same for your xMM. He wants you but can't because of the children. I also know that my xMM would not leave his children and his marriage is hell. I have seen it. His wife is cruel and mean to him. But he has children and they are his responsibility.

 

Anyway just wanted to say that I am sure he is not back in love with his wife, just saying it to be cruel to be kind. He has to make it work for his children even if it means giving you up, the love of his life. My xMM has told me many times how he has moved on and he has said stuff that I thought he was not capable of but then on Friday said it was not true just needed to be cruel to be kind as he has felt I want him again, and he wants me but we can only have a friendship because neither of us will destroy our children's life's.

 

Not sure if that's helps. Take care poppet xx

[Mickey1982]

Hello Mickey.

 

You have said how your xMM went back to his wife because of his children and I think a few have said that he may of used that as an excuse. Of course I don't know what his true reasons are but I can let you know my situation and thoughts. I was having an affair with the most amazing man I have ever met. He was and is my sole mate. He is the man for me but he is married and so am I. As much as I love him and I really believe I truly do. I can not ever be with him as I have two beautiful children. I can never put my children through that because it will make me whole. My children are safe and secure in our family unit. My husband is a good husband, we just have a brother/sister relationship. I know that my children deserve a happy family unit and staying with my husband will give them that but it means I don't have the love of my life, which hurts me like hell. I shouldn't of married my husband but I did.

 

My xMM and I are doing this friendship thing which by the way doesn't work because it's not the same and just upsets me each time we talk. I ended the A about 4/5 weeks ago because I just couldn't on keep taking the risk of being found out. One of the hardest things ever and I regretted it as soon as I did it, more or less. We had no contact for a week and since then it's been up and down emotionally. I really want him in my life but I know I can't have him. I bet that's the same for your xMM. He wants you but can't because of the children. I also know that my xMM would not leave his children and his marriage is hell. I have seen it. His wife is cruel and mean to him. But he has children and they are his responsibility.

 

Anyway just wanted to say that I am sure he is not back in love with his wife, just saying it to be cruel to be kind. He has to make it work for his children even if it means giving you up, the love of his life. My xMM has told me many times how he has moved on and he has said stuff that I thought he was not capable of but then on Friday said it was not true just needed to be cruel to be kind as he has felt I want him again, and he wants me but we can only have a friendship because neither of us will destroy our children's life's.

 

Not sure if that's helps. Take care poppet xx

 

SOVERYSAD...it helps----a lot!!!!!!!!....and it always makes me feel SO good when I hear stories that I believe mimic mine.

 

My exMM is very close to his children. They adore their dad and HE is a wonderful father to them---I know that beacuse I saw it in the way he talked about them and what he did for them in every aspect of their lives. THEY are FIRST in his life. Even though he tettered with the idea of giving up his life with them for me, when faced with it, he chose them. In my eyes, he chose THEM, not her. BSs can tell me differently, but as so many have commented on this site before, NO ONE knows what he/I had and EVERY situation is different.

 

For me, its an up and down thing. There are times its easier than others when the reality creeps in. Reality is reality. Nevertheless, it's hard knowing that this one perfect thing that will make me so happy I will never have.

 

And, you are right, it hurts like hell.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi Mickey,

 

I have followed your posts, and didn't want to say too much as my situation is different, and I thought it might be hurtful to hear. However I DO understand your pain, that feeling of just awfulness, and I can't not post. It was the last few comments on this thread about staying for children, and soverysad's lovely post about her children that made me decide to write something.

My MM and me , both decided to stay in our marriages for our children. Now on a different thread I was told " kids are not affected at all by divorce, he is just cake eating" and on a recent thread on infidelity board, someone commented that people in affairs always use kids as the excuse to stay in marriages but it is absolutely the weakest excuse OW choose to believe. The rationale was we affairees don't care about our kids when in the heat of the affair therefore we must not really care about them at all and so saying we are staying for them is just b@@ll**** and actually APs go back to their spouses simply cus they love them more than AP.

What baloney....my mm and I , support each other over and over to stay for our children's sake. And yes it hurts like hell sometimes ....I am human, I love him, I want our life together now ....and yes I sometimes want to be more important than his children to him....and no doubt he feels same about me and my children.

But bottom line is children are the most important thing....and I think it is hugely underestimated how many people stay for that reason.

I don't believe the posters who cry " oh if he really loved you the kids wouldn't stand in the way"....rubbish....parental love trumps all other loves .

I can. It begin to imagine why your ex mm was so cruel...are you sure he was some how made to be ? Or maybe he needed to be....maybe he knew he had to end it, he had to hurt you so badly it would drive you away ? I don't know....but I am sure he did and does have feelings for you, and I am sure he has feelings for his wife too. Faced with losing your children then maybe he did what he had to do .....

Not sure if any of that makes sense ....but I hope it does.

Hang in there....one day it will be a dull ache, and one day a distant memory

X

[waterwoman]

Mickey - I have also wondered whether what he said to you was meant to be the coup de Grace, the final blow to kill off hope, to save you from the continuing pain of waiting and hoping. It might be true, or it might have a kernel of truth but be exaggerated, but it was meant to help you rather than hurt you. Do you think that is a possibility?

[Mickey1982]

Mickey - I have also wondered whether what he said to you was meant to be the coup de Grace, the final blow to kill off hope, to save you from the continuing pain of waiting and hoping. It might be true, or it might have a kernel of truth but be exaggerated, but it was meant to help you rather than hurt you. Do you think that is a possibility?

 

 

Oh how I wish I knew, waterwoman...I go back and forth on it all the time. It was so out of character for the man I knew who was sensitive and who I felt would NEVER hurt me. But, if d-day is as horrific as everyone claims, then perhaps the panic of losing his children and of being caught was enough to change everything.

[uneek74]

There are different stages of love. There are a ton of marriages with Empty Love: Love because of commitments to the other in the marriage. It has no passion and the feelings and emotions are not generated from the heart.

 

 

Yes he may love her, but is it really the kind of love that sustains the marriage in the long run. Mickey, I am hoping that you will soon get the answers that you're seeking from your MM, so that you can move on. With all the advice given on this thread, I would be so confused as to what to listen to.

[Popsicle]

Mickey - I have also wondered whether what he said to you was meant to be the coup de Grace, the final blow to kill off hope, to save you from the continuing pain of waiting and hoping. It might be true, or it might have a kernel of truth but be exaggerated, but it was meant to help you rather than hurt you. Do you think that is a possibility?

 

Yes, I totally agree with this. It might have been meant to help them both.

[Hope Shimmers]

Mickey, you will get all kinds of advice, as you have on this thread already. The bottom line is that only YOU know your situation, so you have to put it all into perspective.

 

You will get there. I had to work all night until this morning, but I spent the entire beautiful afternoon riding horses with the guy I am now dating. It was a blast - after I got home I realized that I have not been this happy in years. Totally amazing feeling!

 

Just remember - you are FREE to find someone else while he is (possibly) in a marriage where he isn't satisfied and she is dealing with a man who was in a serious loving relationship with another woman because of it. What a sad future. But you have none of that - sky's the limit for you, just like for me!

[Mickey1982]

There are different stages of love. There are a ton of marriages with Empty Love: Love because of commitments to the other in the marriage. It has no passion and the feelings and emotions are not generated from the heart.

 

 

Yes he may love her, but is it really the kind of love that sustains the marriage in the long run. Mickey, I am hoping that you will soon get the answers that you're seeking from your MM, so that you can move on. With all the advice given on this thread, I would be so confused as to what to listen to.

 

uneek, I know. I am confused as well and depending on what time of the day you ask me, my answer may be different.

 

Spring was "OUR" time of the year so I'm struggling again with my deep feelings and ache to reconnect with him. Yet, all the while reminding myself that for whatever reason, I am not meant to be with this person.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi Mickey,

I haven't anything to add, just wanted to check in and see how you are ?

Your story, though a familiar theme here , just seems so very sad. I have been thinking about it, and just cannot get my head round why someone could be so cruel as to do what your mm did.

I really hope you can see that the end of an affair is in a way a bereavement, and you have to go through the stages of grief....you are in denial now, anger will at some point follow. When you get angry with him for treating you like this . Well I for one will cheer for you !

Hugs

[Mickey1982]

Hi Mickey,

I haven't anything to add, just wanted to check in and see how you are ?

Your story, though a familiar theme here , just seems so very sad. I have been thinking about it, and just cannot get my head round why someone could be so cruel as to do what your mm did.

I really hope you can see that the end of an affair is in a way a bereavement, and you have to go through the stages of grief....you are in denial now, anger will at some point follow. When you get angry with him for treating you like this . Well I for one will cheer for you !

Hugs

 

Thanks Poppy! I have good days and bad days. I just posted on Waverly's thread sounding all confident and giving her advice, but honestly, I am missing him like all heck today. Someone asked me the other day, haven't I ever had a break-up before and got over it? Yes, I've had my heart broken before, but there were problems in that/those realtionships and I saw the red flags (so to speak). But, my exMM and I were at the pinnacle of our relationship when it ended. We were so VERY much in love---and, I do believe we BOTH were in LOVE. Not a fog, not a fantasy not an addiction. And that Poppy, is why this is so dang hard. It is hard to give up something that felt so right, so good and so perfect. I know he was 'mean' in the end and I think it was Rick Fox who told me that is what matters. Yet, I love this man. I LOOK forward to hating him someday if for the sheer reason of moving on. I just do not know when it will happen. Thank you for reaching out to see how I am. It means a TON.

[tornado]

Unfortunately, I broke NC too today. I sent him an SMS, then we had a little chat on FB. It wasn't nice at all. Now he says I insulted him for 5 months and he was keeping quiet. His mind is sick, he has invented an affair. He thinks I planned to quit him, lied to him about a FB contact I have, he thinks he's my ex-boyfriend and that I'm returning with him. Completely mad! I'm returning NC. This is wasting my energy and time. The magic has disappeared. He is just a frustrated, egoist, macho, mysoginist, narcissistic average guy. Oh, and I've learned something: I will avoid from now on those mysoginist ex-military profiles. I'm not a whore!

Edited April 15, 2014 by tornado

[Mickey1982]

Unfortunately, I broke NC too today. I sent him an SMS, then we had a little chat on FB. It wasn't nice at all. Now he says I insulted him for 5 months and he was keeping quiet. His mind is sick, he has invented an affair. He thinks I planned to quit him, lied to him about a FB contact I have, he thinks he's my ex-boyfriend and that I'm returning with him. Completely mad! I'm returning NC. This is wasting my energy and time. The magic has disappeared. He is just a frustrated, egoist, macho, mysoginist, narcissistic average guy. Oh, and I've learned something: I will avoid from now on those mysoginist ex-military profiles. I'm not a whore!

 

Tornado--I just tried to give popsicle a pep talk while trying to help me at the same time. I AM convinced there is NO good that comes of NC. I did it last week and it took me days to recover and I didn't evn get an answer or know if he even got my e-mail! It was enough for me to say NEVER again. It hurts like hell. Hang in there with popsicle and me who all broke it in the last week! GRRRRRRRRRR You will be OK. The one thing I wish for me which struck me that you said is that "the magic has disappeared"---I LIVE for that day! Good for you!

[jwi71]

Someone asked me the other day, haven't I ever had a break-up before and got over it? Yes, I've had my heart broken before, but there were problems in that/those realtionships and I saw the red flags (so to speak).

 

That was me. And I truly mean no malice. So maybe I can communicate better this time.

 

But there WERE and ARE red flags. Huge ones.

 

But, my exMM and I were at the pinnacle of our relationship when it ended. We were so VERY much in love---and, I do believe we BOTH were in LOVE. Not a fog, not a fantasy not an addiction. And that Poppy, is why this is so dang hard.

 

When I said a better way - I meant this. This line of thought. Your homework is to continue - especially when it gets HARD and PAINFUL. Its how we grow as humans.

 

Why this break-up and not others. Why do you think?

 

It is hard to give up something that felt so right, so good and so perfect.

 

Maybe start by taking him off the pedestal...

...was it REALLY so good and right and perfect?

 

I know he was 'mean' in the end and I think it was Rick Fox who told me that is what matters.

 

Jerk. But we'll chalk up that overt outward expression of his ugly to emotion. Except - he's been treating people like that for awhile I'd bet. His W for one. You for another.

 

Yet, I love this man. I LOOK forward to hating him someday if for the sheer reason of moving on. I just do not know when it will happen.

 

Don't look forward to hate. Don't replace pain with anger and certainly not hate.

 

Want to know when it happens? When you drop the fantasy and look at reality. Off the pedestal with him and take off the rose colored glasses - now what do you see?

 

I am uncertain as to how this will be received - I hope the way I intend. Really, though - healing begins when you want - I'm not saying its easy, far from it, but delaying and holding onto hope of the past does little for you now.

[Mickey1982]

Why this break-up and not others. Why do you think?

/QUOTE]

 

jwi, that you for taking the time to respond to me again.

 

In my past relationships with single men, when that relationship ended, it was often nothing more than a drifting away/ moving apart sort of thing. There may have been disagreements, but the two of us were on equal ground or on the same page, so to speak. I had friends to confide in after the break ups to help me get thru the process.

 

My exMM did a 180 following d-day after telling me his dreams of a life and future together with me. I had one best friend to confide in. I am grieving very much alone. The empty promises are endless. I HAVE NEVER had someone claim to turn off their feelings for me overnight. It is devastating and slayed me to my core. It was that I believed I was important to him and that he loved me more than anything---and, because he could walk away from all of it is why it hurts the MOST.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Why this break-up and not others. Why do you think?

/QUOTE]

 

jwi, that you for taking the time to respond to me again.

 

In my past relationships with single men, when that relationship ended, it was often nothing more than a drifting away/ moving apart sort of thing. There may have been disagreements, but the two of us were on equal ground or on the same page, so to speak. I had friends to confide in after the break ups to help me get thru the process.

 

My exMM did a 180 following d-day after telling me his dreams of a life and future together with me. I had one best friend to confide in. I am grieving very much alone. The empty promises are endless. I HAVE NEVER had someone claim to turn off their feelings for me overnight. It is devastating and slayed me to my core. It was that I believed I was important to him and that he loved me more than anything---and, because he could walk away from all of it is why it hurts the MOST.

 

 

Mickey, outcomes, outcomes, outcomes.

 

Sadly, AP are often okay if the outcome you are dealing with happens to another.

Really think about that. There always was going to be at least one person in great emotional pain. Those involved in the affair never think it is going to be them. The outcome most often is....pain for everyone.

 

Maybe that is why it hurts you so....in a way...you blindsided yourself. The BS was supposed to be the one walked out on one fine day. It was a belief you had...and you were okay with it. Often AP, put too much value on the relationship with the WS...thinking that the WS is risking so much...so this relationship is the best ever. Being that most WS never plan on getting caught...they aren't risking anything.

 

So now, because you falsely believed the risk MM was taking meant he valued the affair relationship above all. That falsehood made the affair relationship appear greater than prior relationships you have had. You internalized the affair love into validating you as a person....it made you more than...greater than...the wife...and who you were before.

 

Neither is true. The affair did not make you more worthy, more valuable than you were the day before you met MM. Do not tie your self worth to the MM.

 

You were just fine before you met him....you will be just fine afterwards.

[herself]

Amen especially to the last sentence. And sadly once you land on your feet and get your smile and self esteem back....this is when they can pop back in.

My greatest peace was when I closed my email and blocked my text.

There was no way then to reach me...until one day he posted "happy birthday" on craigslist, an online "missed connection" i never ever dreamed he woukd do that or remember I told him years before that I read the site.

His reaching out dragged me back....No....rather I drug myself back..

 

But back only to friendship, which many highly frown upon maybe rightly so. and even that precious gift, I should not allow.

Its light, very VERY low contact with boundaries.

But I was BEST and healing steadily in zero contact truthfully.

Highly highly advise to not even leave the option of him coming back.

Eliminate hope by blocking his way. You cant look for an email or text or call when you block everything. So freeing.

Its just an opinion & worked for me. Each of us has to take our own path though so this isnt a lecture, just a tip.

[Mickey1982]

 

 

Mickey, outcomes, outcomes, outcomes.

 

Sadly, AP are often okay if the outcome you are dealing with happens to another.

Really think about that. There always was going to be at least one person in great emotional pain. Those involved in the affair never think it is going to be them. The outcome most often is....pain for everyone.

 

Maybe that is why it hurts you so....in a way...you blindsided yourself. The BS was supposed to be the one walked out on one fine day. It was a belief you had...and you were okay with it. Often AP, put too much value on the relationship with the WS...thinking that the WS is risking so much...so this relationship is the best ever. Being that most WS never plan on getting caught...they aren't risking anything.

 

So now, because you falsely believed the risk MM was taking meant he valued the affair relationship above all. That falsehood made the affair relationship appear greater than prior relationships you have had. You internalized the affair love into validating you as a person....it made you more than...greater than...the wife...and who you were before.

 

Neither is true. The affair did not make you more worthy, more valuable than you were the day before you met MM. Do not tie your self worth to the MM.

 

You were just fine before you met him....you will be just fine afterwards.

 

 

I have to disagree with you 100% that the affair validated me as a person and made me feel 'greater' than the wife.

 

To be honest, I never compared myself to her nor did my affair make me greater than who I was before my affair. My feelings post-affair are completely based what he/I shared during out 3+ year relationship and the promises he made to me that he never kept.

 

I never felt inferior to her in any way, shape or form. My hurt stems from the disappointment in HIM and my naivity in believeing him and him alone.