Just broke NC.....

[tornado]

Tornado--I just tried to give popsicle a pep talk while trying to help me at the same time. I AM convinced there is NO good that comes of NC. I did it last week and it took me days to recover and I didn't evn get an answer or know if he even got my e-mail! It was enough for me to say NEVER again. It hurts like hell. Hang in there with popsicle and me who all broke it in the last week! GRRRRRRRRRR You will be OK. The one thing I wish for me which struck me that you said is that "the magic has disappeared"---I LIVE for that day! Good for you!

Hello Mickey, I hope the magic will disappear for you too. Then you won't get hurt. So, the last news: yesterday, when I wasn't logged on, he left me a message on FB, he asked me to come on skype. Then, this morning, an other message, the opposite. He completely devaluates me. I am the bad bad bad woman in this story. He says I haven't told him much of my past. He thinks that I'm in a cult with that FB friend, that he was my boyfriend before the affair, and now again. He describes me like a weird, almost dangerous person... wow I'm shocked. Then he says he will erase his fake FB account, and also block my number from his phone.

 

I had no intention of telling his wife about the affair, but after he's written that, I am hesitating. I might write an email. I could go to their house too, but it might be quite dangerous. The house is isolated and I would be alone against them all, and the guy is ex Foreign Legion so he has already killed people in his life. Oh, and his father in law who lives with them also carries a gun... The problem with the mail is that I couldn't see their faces and reactions.

[jwi71]

In my past relationships with single men, when that relationship ended, it was often nothing more than a drifting away/ moving apart sort of thing. There may have been disagreements, but the two of us were on equal ground or on the same page, so to speak. I had friends to confide in after the break ups to help me get thru the process.

 

I agree - and is one of the common, usually common, facets of an A - namely, the lack of a support system in place. With no one in your inner circle to lean on, it falls to the self to carry the burden. Now I know you have one friend you mentioned - but it sounds like you need more IRL shoulders to lean on. I'd use the ones you have - which means I am advocating sharing this pain with others in your life. Lean on your freinds and family when you need them - its what they are there for.

 

And this situation comes about because - well, we can't tell our friends and family about this new flame now can we? Or if we do - we kinda omit the whole "he is married with kids part". So, this secrecy isolates the AP's. And this isolation, can, and seems to often enough, lead to an "us against the world mentality" with AP's eshewing others for each other. After all, no one "can" know of the A and that prohibits normal R advice from peers and family. And when it ends - there is, suddenly, no one to share the pain with. So it lingers.

 

And why does it linger? For ****ty A characteristic number 2 - it feels unnatural to end it regardless of who ends it. Like it was true love snuffed out before...well, what...its natural course? The problem is, that's not true. It wasn't destiny or star-crossed lovers - it was MM CHOOSING it. Could he leave? Sure he could. Whenever he wanted. He can't. For the kids. You know, the ones he was leaving to spend 8 days in Miami with you. The same ones he leaves every day to work. Or come home late as he was out with you. Yeah, those kids. The ones he can't bear to miss. I bet you can think of other times he left the kids to be with you - other over-nighters or getaways....

 

This wasn't paradise lost. It wasn't chosen. That's what I'd like you to think on - the end is what he chose. It didn't meet some untimely end. It didn't die before fruition. It's not that this is incomplete with the fairy tale ending denied by fate - he chose it.

 

And if YOU had ended it - well then its the same ****ty thoughts - of not being good enough. Of was this all a lie. Why didn't he leave?

 

The answer, as always, he didn't want to.

 

The, to some degree unfulfilled life he had with his W, kids, in-laws is less scary than the uncertain one with the AP.

 

My exMM did a 180 following d-day after telling me his dreams of a life and future together with me.

 

Ignore all after dday - I'd wager the W was present - certainly for the texts. The only message you needed to hear was: I'm staying. Paradise not chosen.

 

And it has NOTHING to do with you.

 

I had one best friend to confide in. I am grieving very much alone. The empty promises are endless. I HAVE NEVER had someone claim to turn off their feelings for me overnight. It is devastating and slayed me to my core. It was that I believed I was important to him and that he loved me more than anything---and, because he could walk away from all of it is why it hurts the MOST.

 

Welcome to the ****ty world of A's. Were doubt rules the day - and, over time, erodes the self.

What I believe is - yes, he cared. Loved? Maybe. Just not enough. And, ultimately, his ACTIONS refute his words. Think on it for a bit.

 

Would you EVER treat someone you TRULY loved like he has treated you? Then how is it love? Infatuation? Strong caring? Ever think it was love only to realize it wasn't. (I have). Ever love someone in a box? A double life as it were? And then to love another in their own little box and never the two shall meet? Its compartmentalization. In each compartment is a life. And what happens when one is forced to choose which box?

 

And - does it seem NATURAL to put emotions in boxes? To have well defined limits of an R? Of love? How is THAT love?

 

Just more to ponder.

 

At the end of the day - it wasn't about you. And because it wasn't about you - it can't be a reflection OF you. And it isn't. Its an ugly portrait of him.

 

The future is in fron tof you - why not call a friend and lean on him or her?

[Mickey1982]

I agree - and is one of the common, usually common, facets of an A - namely, the lack of a support system in place. With no one in your inner circle to lean on, it falls to the self to carry the burden. Now I know you have one friend you mentioned - but it sounds like you need more IRL shoulders to lean on. I'd use the ones you have - which means I am advocating sharing this pain with others in your life. Lean on your freinds and family when you need them - its what they are there for.

 

And this situation comes about because - well, we can't tell our friends and family about this new flame now can we? Or if we do - we kinda omit the whole "he is married with kids part". So, this secrecy isolates the AP's. And this isolation, can, and seems to often enough, lead to an "us against the world mentality" with AP's eshewing others for each other. After all, no one "can" know of the A and that prohibits normal R advice from peers and family. And when it ends - there is, suddenly, no one to share the pain with. So it lingers.

 

And why does it linger? For ****ty A characteristic number 2 - it feels unnatural to end it regardless of who ends it. Like it was true love snuffed out before...well, what...its natural course? The problem is, that's not true. It wasn't destiny or star-crossed lovers - it was MM CHOOSING it. Could he leave? Sure he could. Whenever he wanted. He can't. For the kids. You know, the ones he was leaving to spend 8 days in Miami with you. The same ones he leaves every day to work. Or come home late as he was out with you. Yeah, those kids. The ones he can't bear to miss. I bet you can think of other times he left the kids to be with you - other over-nighters or getaways....

 

This wasn't paradise lost. It wasn't chosen. That's what I'd like you to think on - the end is what he chose. It didn't meet some untimely end. It didn't die before fruition. It's not that this is incomplete with the fairy tale ending denied by fate - he chose it.

 

And if YOU had ended it - well then its the same ****ty thoughts - of not being good enough. Of was this all a lie. Why didn't he leave?

 

The answer, as always, he didn't want to.

 

The, to some degree unfulfilled life he had with his W, kids, in-laws is less scary than the uncertain one with the AP.

 

 

 

Ignore all after dday - I'd wager the W was present - certainly for the texts. The only message you needed to hear was: I'm staying. Paradise not chosen.

 

And it has NOTHING to do with you.

 

 

 

Welcome to the ****ty world of A's. Were doubt rules the day - and, over time, erodes the self.

What I believe is - yes, he cared. Loved? Maybe. Just not enough. And, ultimately, his ACTIONS refute his words. Think on it for a bit.

 

Would you EVER treat someone you TRULY loved like he has treated you? Then how is it love? Infatuation? Strong caring? Ever think it was love only to realize it wasn't. (I have). Ever love someone in a box? A double life as it were? And then to love another in their own little box and never the two shall meet? Its compartmentalization. In each compartment is a life. And what happens when one is forced to choose which box?

 

And - does it seem NATURAL to put emotions in boxes? To have well defined limits of an R? Of love? How is THAT love?

 

Just more to ponder.

 

At the end of the day - it wasn't about you. And because it wasn't about you - it can't be a reflection OF you. And it isn't. Its an ugly portrait of him.

 

The future is in fron tof you - why not call a friend and lean on him or her?

 

 

jwi71......Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.....from my heart.

 

Mickey

[tornado]

Crap, I am in love with him again...

 

We had a chat on skype, he told me his feelings, he apologised too. I don't know what to think, if he is sincere and all...

 

He told me exactly what I wanted to hear for the last 5 months. I apologised for having insulted him too... oh dear this has no ending.

 

After having talked to him, I'm lost again...

 

It was better to quit him on bad terms, why did he have to tell me all this? I miss him so much... I'm crying. He told me he cried 4 times when he was with me. I'm in a melancholic mood.

[enya46]

Hello,

 

I also broke NC today....after only one week. It wasn't an agreed NC, but it was important to me, it empowered me.

I absolutely knew how I was going to feel after breaking it, and did it anyway! I texted him: "hi, how are you doing?"

I feel so small and weak...

 

What happened? He immediately called me on the phone to happily chat away. I tried to sound cool and casual, but after we hung up, I started crying my heart out. I never felt such a pain. I cried loud before even tears had time to come out.

 

I didn't get absolutely nothing out of the conversation, not that I tried, I was too nervous and didn't expect his call either. He was just so nice and easy going...

 

Sob...

[P1nginLOVE]

[quote=Hope Shimmers;5641997

Just remember - you are FREE to find someone else while he is (possibly) in a marriage where he isn't satisfied and she is dealing with a man who was in a serious loving relationship with another woman because of it. What a sad future. But you have none of that - sky's the limit for you, just like for me!

 

Hopeshimmers, I'm happy for you...that happiness has found you.

 

Mickey this is how I feel too.

Each time I want to fully give my heart to him (as I did before), I always stopped and remembered those things above.

At least we are free to choose and he's stuck with that life. As I know, he is no longer in love with her and he can find another AP, I don't care. I'm sick of being a bad person.

 

Today is my 3rd day of my 4th NC...managed to stay NC for more than 2 months previously. Hope it will be longer this time.

[georgia girl]

Hello,

 

I also broke NC today....after only one week. It wasn't an agreed NC, but it was important to me, it empowered me.

I absolutely knew how I was going to feel after breaking it, and did it anyway! I texted him: "hi, how are you doing?"

I feel so small and weak...

 

What happened? He immediately called me on the phone to happily chat away. I tried to sound cool and casual, but after we hung up, I started crying my heart out. I never felt such a pain. I cried loud before even tears had time to come out.

 

I didn't get absolutely nothing out of the conversation, not that I tried, I was too nervous and didn't expect his call either. He was just so nice and easy going...

 

Sob...

 

 

 

This - your very experience - is why I am so hard-core NC. The fact is that if you reach out, you have a pretty decent chance that they will respond. Mickey, I expect that some day, if your MM got the email, he too will respond. The problem with the response? It's never enough. It's not the whole deal that you're looking for. It's just a little tiny bit.

 

 

So, you reach out, you get a little back and what happens next? The quiet ensues. And in the quiet, you feel like you've lost your power and you've lost him all over again. It's still over, you're more sad and the healing has halted.

 

 

If I can encourage anyone who is going NC for themselves only (not to get a response, not to shake someone into action but to really heal from a breakup), it's to go hard core. This is about YOUR healing and YOUR new path. It doesn't involve them and reaching out really only sets you back.

 

 

Hugs, GG

[RickFox]

This - your very experience - is why I am so hard-core NC. The fact is that if you reach out, you have a pretty decent chance that they will respond. Mickey, I expect that some day, if your MM got the email, he too will respond. The problem with the response? It's never enough. It's not the whole deal that you're looking for. It's just a little tiny bit.

 

 

So, you reach out, you get a little back and what happens next? The quiet ensues. And in the quiet, you feel like you've lost your power and you've lost him all over again. It's still over, you're more sad and the healing has halted.

 

 

If I can encourage anyone who is going NC for themselves only (not to get a response, not to shake someone into action but to really heal from a breakup), it's to go hard core. This is about YOUR healing and YOUR new path. It doesn't involve them and reaching out really only sets you back.

 

 

Hugs, GG

 

Quoted for truth, and this goes for the guys too. Described my experience damn near to a T

[Hope Shimmers]

This - your very experience - is why I am so hard-core NC. The fact is that if you reach out, you have a pretty decent chance that they will respond. Mickey, I expect that some day, if your MM got the email, he too will respond. The problem with the response? It's never enough. It's not the whole deal that you're looking for. It's just a little tiny bit.

 

 

So, you reach out, you get a little back and what happens next? The quiet ensues. And in the quiet, you feel like you've lost your power and you've lost him all over again. It's still over, you're more sad and the healing has halted.

 

 

If I can encourage anyone who is going NC for themselves only (not to get a response, not to shake someone into action but to really heal from a breakup), it's to go hard core. This is about YOUR healing and YOUR new path. It doesn't involve them and reaching out really only sets you back.

 

ɅɅ

THIS!

 

 

Perfectly stated.

[enya46]

This - your very experience - is why I am so hard-core NC. The fact is that if you reach out, you have a pretty decent chance that they will respond. Mickey, I expect that some day, if your MM got the email, he too will respond. The problem with the response? It's never enough. It's not the whole deal that you're looking for. It's just a little tiny bit.

 

 

So, you reach out, you get a little back and what happens next? The quiet ensues. And in the quiet, you feel like you've lost your power and you've lost him all over again. It's still over, you're more sad and the healing has halted.

 

 

If I can encourage anyone who is going NC for themselves only (not to get a response, not to shake someone into action but to really heal from a breakup), it's to go hard core. This is about YOUR healing and YOUR new path. It doesn't involve them and reaching out really only sets you back.

 

 

Hugs, GG

Thank you GG,

 

I guess i still need to get to the point where I go NC for the healing reason and not to try to just "give him time to miss me".

 

He is doing his thing, doing sports we used to share, enjoying the weather and being very nice to his wife and family, trying to recover the routine he had before we started our A.

 

He isn't capable of being blunt and saying: "we will never see eachother again" or " i don't miss you" or "i don't love you anymore". He isn't even doing NC. He is just not texting every day, like he used to, before D-day.

 

This not knowing what he really wants is what is making it hard for me to let go. It's just the hope that by not contacting him, he will miss me.

 

I would like to reach the point that I DO NOT want to see him again. How do you get there?

I have good friends, a great job, i am healthy and I think i am not a creep, but how come I wake up every morning thinking about him with tears in my eyes and can't get him out of my system?

 

I had other breakups before, from "normal" relationships, and I never had to use the NC to move on...

 

Thanks

[georgia girl]

Here's the thing - and it's not what you want to hear - you can't get over it because you don't WANT to get over it.

 

 

While I've never been an OW, I have had breakups before where I just couldn't get over the guy. I thought I was doing all the things possible to get over him and convinced myself that this was how I knew we were just "meant to be" was because I couldn't get over him.

 

 

Finally, despite all of my unwillingness to actually get over him, I did. I can't say why or how - maybe just enough time had passed - but I finally healed. And that's when I realized how much time I had lost, how many opportunities I had squandered (a few really great guys had asked me out and I had missed out on a phenomenal opportunity abroad), and I promised myself that I would never, ever do that to myself again.

 

 

If I needed to get over someone, I went No Contact. And I focused only on me. I never let myself think of getting back with that person or any other different ending. It was over. I could hurt and cry as much as I wanted but I had to keep moving forward.

 

 

To be honest, this philosophy was part of how I met my husband. I had had a recent breakup with a commitment phobe and was starting to wallow when my husband asked me out. I decided to go and start having some fun. He is now the absolute love of my life.

 

 

NC has to be about you and only you. If you're trying to get him to miss you, it's not going to work. It's only not going to make him miss you but it's also going to delay your healing. Sorry, this feels like tough love but I really mean the best for you. Healing starts with truly letting go.

 

 

Hugs, GG