Relationships are not worth it?

[melell]

Not sure where to post this.

 

Lately even just reading and answering posts of people in relationships makes feel a little suffocated (kinda), I feel like so many people seem so blinded by partnerships that they really can't see anything objectively.

Or like they are completely constricted by their emotions without even realizing it.

 

 

 

I really am a fan of romantic love, but honestly, the thought of being in that mental/emotional situation makes me cringe a little.

 

I really doubt I would have felt this way had I not been on a relationship site to actually see the commonalities within almost all partnerships-even despite circumstance.It is like they cannot avoid being in too deep before incompatibilities surface.

 

I know that happy people in compatible relationships are less likely to be on a relationship forum- but this seems to be the common occurrence real life too.

 

Anyone else feel the same? Does it effect your decision to be in a relationship?

[Poppyolive]

I kinda agree, reading stories here makes me uneasy....but there's a but, I love love, falling in love, connections, getting to know someone, intimacy, holding one another and much more. For Me I think its worth the risk than to not have experienced love and to love again . I like to read others stories to learn and to strengthen my heart strings...on days I feel unsure about the stories here, love and relationships I feel grateful for my own experiences and what I have learned, I feel excited for future love and to make sure I'm the best version of me before falling in love.

 

The hurt, pain, sadness and anger of a failed relationship is nothing compared to love. How strong love is for oneself and one another.

[Els]

IMO if you get sucked in to LS too much, yes, it does impact your views on relationships. I find myself guilty of that occasionally, too, but when I pull myself out and focus on RL, it's all good. A few other posters have mentioned feeling the same way.

 

Maybe take a break for a while and see if you still feel like that. If you do then perhaps Rs aren't for you, nothing wrong with that.

Edited April 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[iris219]

I really am a fan of romantic love, but honestly, the thought of being in that mental/emotional situation makes me cringe a little.

 

I felt the same way. In fact, when I was single, deep down, I didn't think I'd be able to form an emotional connection with someone or that doing so would be so draining and difficult that I'd want to run away.

 

At times, LS confirmed my fears that it wasn't worth it, which made being single less miserable for me.

 

Then I met my current partner and everything was so easy with us. The emotional connection just happened; it was effortless.

 

You can't really predict how you'll feel about an experience until you are experiencing it.

[Keenly]

This site reminds me to be more communicative, more understanding, and more assertive.

 

 

It has not turned me off to relationships, although I think right now, nothing could

[almond]

Absolutely - I feel the same. Somewhat the same anyway..

 

I have never in my life actively sought out a relationship, and have only ever been in two. I feel that relationships can detract from so many other things in life, even healthy and fulfilling relationships tend to have this impact to some degree - they are very time consuming and sometimes stressful. I have always wanted to live my life as my own without the interference or obligations that stem from having a partner, so that I could focus solely on myself and getting to where I want to be. I am very happy being single as well, so this helps.

 

But as someone else said...when it happens, it happens. I am now in a LTR, and my partner has been the best thing that's ever happened to me...and I was very content beforehand. I was totally not open to a relationship, and we had been close friends for years before anything developed...but yes, it ended up happening eventually. It's worth the effort when you get it right. I've never had any particularly bad experiences though at all, so I guess I'm lucky in that respect. I can see how some people's negative experiences can change their perspective.

 

I genuinely feel for a lot of people on LS though, and it honestly makes me feel extremely lucky to be in the relationship that I am in, even though it is not always a walk in the park. I feel the same about many people in real life also. I think a lot of this stems from people's intense desire to be in a relationship, and that it clouds their mind a bit...or a lot. It's also due to the fact that so many people are unhappy being single, so they stay in unhappy relationships to avoid that. I was always single, so I was always available for when the right person came along. If you're frequently wasting time in unfulfilling relationships, then jumping to the next one shortly after, then you're closed off to others for that entire time (if you're doing the right thing that is). People need to get happy being single, and stop looking so hard for someone else. Be yourself, and be happy. If you're open, available and getting out there and living life, someone will come along soon enough.

 

Casual dating though? Not for me. The idea of people seemingly shopping for other people just doesn't sit right with me. Browsing, trying on, discarding. Rinse and repeat. If I don't feel an intense spark, I'm not interested. I like to get to know people for who and what they are first. I appreciate that it's not always that easy, so perhaps I am fortunate, but that is what has worked for me.

Edited April 8, 2014 by almond

[hotpotato]

I feel that way, but not because of ls.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can honestly say this: I don't want to have my mind clouded by emotion ever again. I also read a lot of stories of people having no self respect and putting up with crazy situations because they are not thinking clearly and they call it "love". It makes me cringe and just re-affirms that I would rather be single than be tortured like that.

 

And lets face it: even the best of relationships start with a lot of uncertainity and anxiety. Not something I want to go through and no, to me it's not worth it as in the end vast majority will fail anyway.

[Elias33]

I think a site like this should help you keep perspective of what a relationship can be. I think it can do a lot for people once they have gained enough awareness to then go out and go for it. It doesn't mean that everything is bad. Anything can be seen as a tool or a resource, but at the same time it can be seen as a barrier. It is all about perspective.

 

If you watch the news, you will notice that almost all of it is bad news, but that doesn't mean the world is bad. It is just so that bad news gets more ratings. IF you work in a hospital, you see a lot of sick people, it doesn't mean there aren't healthy people.

 

It all can bring you down, or it can help you appreciate what a good relationship is.

[melell]

I can honestly say this: I don't want to have my mind clouded by emotion ever again. I also read a lot of stories of people having no self respect and putting up with crazy situations because they are not thinking clearly and they call it "love". It makes me cringe and just re-affirms that I would rather be single than be tortured like that.

 

And lets face it: even the best of relationships start with a lot of uncertainity and anxiety. Not something I want to go through and no, to me it's not worth it as in the end vast majority will fail anyway.

 

This is exactly how I feel/what I meant. The whole post but particularly the bolded.

Many of these people are smart people, but it makes no difference, the mind gets clouded by emotion. I experienced the same thing, and the relief after breaking up was wonderful, I couldn't believe I left it so long. I would much rather live peacefully.

 

Thank you for understanding, ES.

[Mr Scorpio]

Anyone else feel the same? Does it effect your decision to be in a relationship?

Indeed it does, although I suppose my logic is greedier. It isn't so much being clouded by emotion. Rather, it is the commitment. I don't mean commitment as in confining myself to a single person. I mean commitment as in the vast majority of my spare-time. The idea of utter accountability, of being responsible for someone else's feelings. Suffocating.

[gaius]

Why is there so much anxiety going on? It either works out or it doesn't. And how do you become completely comfortable going without knowing someone's thinking about you, jerking off to you after you've been through that experience the first time? That kind of intimacy can be addicting.

I feel that way, but not because of ls.

Maybe you just haven't had the right kind of relationship yet....

[Grumpybutfun]

This is sad to read, melell. Of course people don't need a romantic life's partner to have a good life. I personally have found love and family with my lovely bride to be the best part of my life though. Other peoples experiences aren't my own, and so I read here with the understanding that people come here often when they are just starting out, are devastated, are socially inept, or if they get into a pattern. A lot of us here are happily married or in LTRs that are happy and full of love. I never thought as a young man that I would have the marriage I have with my wife. I never thought it even existed to feel so much a part of something greater than myself.

I came here due to the spirituality section but I stayed because I felt like I had something positive to offer...experience of being in a healthy, loving relationship, perhaps offering something different to balance out some of the disillusion and despair here.

I have been married for twenty years, I know people groan when I write that over and over, but I think it helps some to see that love doesn't always disappear. Love and marriage has been a very positive part of my life, and I feel blessed to have shared that with my girl.

Best, melell,

Grumps

[Ninjainpajamas]

Relationships have for the most part stayed a positive part of my life as well, with the exception of having trouble committing for the long-term (past 3 or 4 years seems to be the cut-off point for myself) It doesn't mean I stop loving that person or don't create strong emotional bonds, on the contrary in fact...however I just can't find comfort in the "monotonous" repetition of, just lack of "excitement" and "passion"...I look at couples sitting around, not talking to each other, not engaged in deep conversation, not affectionate nor loving, and for the most part appear to be disconnected romantically and I loathe that, I want nothing to do with that in my life.

 

For most of my life I've stayed a very strong romantic, but that lead me to a lot of running around with love, I didn't ever feel like I really settled in one place and I started to question my behavior and whether it was out of love or for something else, because for myself it felt entirely real at the time, I've always strongly believed in my emotions but I'm also my own biggest critic and very rational, and I NEED to know what I'm doing is "right"...the reality and fantasy for me need to combine into one truth for me to ultimately accept that, that is the pinnacle for myself and I am neither spiritual nor religious however I think that may be more to do with not fitting into either context...I definitely believe in a few things that cannot be explained, but only if they are proven to be consistent and reliable within my own life...If I don't have the "results" then I won't validate that as the "truth". It has to make some kind of "sense" and have a high level of consistency although not necessarily need be perfect.

 

I don't find myself bothered by much of what I read on LS because these are things I have already seen and known for many years before coming here, arriving here as someone who primarily gives advice and understanding as to why those things are happening, I came here to share insight and advice as part of a selflessness I've been trying to pursue for some years after being wrapped into my own world for much more than that...mainly as a "romantic" who albeit, couldn't just "love" one woman.

[Leigh 87]

You are right to a very large extent.

 

Relationships are mostly a crock.

 

Not many partners are madly in love. Either one or both of them settled because they want to start a family and/or don't believe in the terms " being smitten" " being all excited about a new person you meet" or " being head over heels/adoring each other"

 

 

 

Out of all the people I know, me my friend and my parents are the only people I know of who are in extremely happy and joyful relationships.

 

 

Our partners were all head over heels, smitten, and super into us from the get go in "that way" that seldom really happens often in ones life time.

 

 

 

 

When you are a somewhat mentally healthy individual with a true capacity to give and receive love from another, THESE ^^ ideal circumstances do indeed make most people change their minds.

 

 

 

 

Trust me. When you meet a person who turned your world upside down via just meeting them, and they felt the same reaction through meeting YOU just the one time, you guys will both totally change your tune about whether or not relationships can be rewarding.

[Emilia]

as part of a selflessness I've been trying to pursue for some years after being wrapped into my own world for much more than that...mainly as a "romantic" who albeit, couldn't just "love" one woman.

I think you have very serious emotional issues. I'm not sure searching for selflessness will help you. All that rationalising and cynicism is a cover for something. You have to work out what it is and where it comes from. Otherwise you will remain a commitment phobe forever and will always find a reason to dump a woman when things get really serious.

[Leigh 87]

I can honestly say this: I don't want to have my mind clouded by emotion ever again. I also read a lot of stories of people having no self respect and putting up with crazy situations because they are not thinking clearly and they call it "love". It makes me cringe and just re-affirms that I would rather be single than be tortured like that.

 

And lets face it: even the best of relationships start with a lot of uncertainity and anxiety. Not something I want to go through and no, to me it's not worth it as in the end vast majority will fail anyway.

 

 

 

 

My friend and I have good relationships and we didn't start with any anxiety and uncertainty.

 

We are only two people. I am many more people had a positive experience.

 

I agree it is somewhat rare though.

[Woggle]

Happy relationships with somebody who knows how to appreciate a happy and healthy one are great but finding them is very hard. I got lucky but most people don't. If you are a healthy don't settle for anything less than a healthy relationship. Leave the games and crap that is quickly becoming the norm these days to other people and let them be miserable.

[melell]

I am not so much talking about anxiety, and misery- my reference to anxiety in my first post was more directed at the general tone of most of the posters on here-more of a cringe/really don't want thing, than actual anxiety.

 

My main avoidance is in the mental state that relationships lead to- I have been happy in relationships before, and know plenty of people who also have-but at the same time that investment and commitment to another person does effect emotions to some degree, therefore does effect thoughts, there is no avoiding it.

Ie if you were to take all people in happy relationships out of that relationship how would they be?

 

Or if someone in a happy relationship was to be abruptly broken up with, how would that person be?

Usually the person has a lot of soul searching to do, they have to break those little ties, they have to re-evaluate themselves. This seems to be a given. Which makes me think that there is an element of co-dependency in most relationships, even happy healthy ones.

 

Same goes- a healthy happy relationship- something goes wrong, and usually the rational-self goes out the window.

 

I am talking less about how the relationship functions, and more about how the relationship effects personal growth/space.

[Emilia]

I am talking less about how the relationship functions, and more about how the relationship effects personal growth/space.

I learn and grown the most when I deal with conflicts with men I love/loved. Without a shadow of a doubt. I have also build very lasting and strong connections with some that have enriched my life beyond what I could imagine as a young adult.

 

Even when I'm going through a difficult period with someone the fact that I know him the way I do and love him the way I do makes up for a lot of the heartache and stress that can come from arguments.

 

There aren't any other relationships in my life - including those with my parents -that compare to how I feel towards the men that have been important to me. The only exception to this is perhaps my sister.

 

Despite being divorced, etc I feel very sorry for people that can't relate to someone on a deep, primal level. It's something they are not capable of and will never understand. Their life is the poorer for that.

[melell]

You are right to a very large extent.

 

Relationships are mostly a crock.

 

Not many partners are madly in love. Either one or both of them settled because they want to start a family and/or don't believe in the terms " being smitten" " being all excited about a new person you meet" or " being head over heels/adoring each other"

 

 

 

Out of all the people I know, me my friend and my parents are the only people I know of who are in extremely happy and joyful relationships.

 

 

Our partners were all head over heels, smitten, and super into us from the get go in "that way" that seldom really happens often in ones life time.

 

 

 

 

When you are a somewhat mentally healthy individual with a true capacity to give and receive love from another, THESE ^^ ideal circumstances do indeed make most people change their minds.

 

 

 

 

Trust me. When you meet a person who turned your world upside down via just meeting them, and they felt the same reaction through meeting YOU just the one time, you guys will both totally change your tune about whether or not relationships can be rewarding.

 

I see what you are saying Leigh. I have been in that situation previously- was with my ex for 7 years, we were madly in love the whole time, he developed a serious drug issue on top of mental illness-my only option was to stay away for good, only then did I realize how much a relationship-no matter how good-takes away from a person/their thinking, as individuals.

 

I am talking specifically about personal development, personal peacefulness- and the ability to be that way regardless of a relationship (I think it is difficult to be that way if so much emphasis is on a relationship and clouding thinking).

I read your posts prior to being with your partner, about your background, international travel, handbags, education etc- things you define yourself by. I find it a little difficult to buy that you would be satisfied, or peaceful in life without your relationship. Perhaps your partner would encourage growth in certain respects which would lead to genuine personal grow- but I would still bet that the relationship itself would be a big source of your self-worth/validation.

Not judging you, because I think this is the case for most people, myself included, but I am trying to avoid that- basically I feel like a relationship does limit that sense of self- especially while we are so young. And it does have a huge impact on our wider perspectives, and mentality.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well if you're talking about whether relationships affect your personal growth I definitely feel they do, I feel they greatly inhibit personal self-growth. Relationships require a certain level of unavoidable restructuring and prioritization, they require a consensual and compromising strategy rather than independent and self-fulfilling one, because that would be considered "selfish" within a relationship.

 

I know many will disagree with that, and claim to have more growth in a relationship than beforehand or some other variation of that, however I think the freedom you attain when single allows you to carve your own path out independently without guilt or feeling of fault, as I don't feel people are emotionally/mentally mature enough to grasp the personal growth alongside the relationship, as the relationship as well as emotions typically dominates and takes precedence over their own personal needs...relationships serve as a distraction and a side-project to work on that makes them feel they are actually working on themselves.

 

If you look at most people, they tend to grow after the fact...after romantic relationships, that's when they're able to reflect and truly separate what really took place, what was real and what was not, what was healthy and what was unhealthy, progressive or detrimental (to a degree). Somebody in a relationship however won't have that objective view because they are IN IT, they become consumed by that emotional prioritization to preserve that relationship, even if they do not wish to preserve it they often don't know how to get away or pull themselves from it...so it's this slow painful process of building up the "courage" and sense to walk away by finally accepting the "reality" and truth.

 

I think people are seeking fulfillment through relationships that they should be seeking within themselves...relationships/love affairs or however you want to define them, are never the source or the reason for your issues/problems, it's never about that other person, or even about love, it's always about you. But people tend to feel that somehow changes or is altered with the presence of a new person in their lives, often times people become overwhelmed by that experience and their brain essentially shuts off and they are simply creatures of a habit, mainly resonating from that unfulfilled void within themselves.

[Grumpybutfun]

I am not so much talking about anxiety, and misery- my reference to anxiety in my first post was more directed at the general tone of most of the posters on here-more of a cringe/really don't want thing, than actual anxiety.

 

My main avoidance is in the mental state that relationships lead to- I have been happy in relationships before, and know plenty of people who also have-but at the same time that investment and commitment to another person does effect emotions to some degree, therefore does effect thoughts, there is no avoiding it.

Ie if you were to take all people in happy relationships out of that relationship how would they be?

 

Or if someone in a happy relationship was to be abruptly broken up with, how would that person be?

Usually the person has a lot of soul searching to do, they have to break those little ties, they have to re-evaluate themselves. This seems to be a given. Which makes me think that there is an element of co-dependency in most relationships, even happy healthy ones.

 

Same goes- a healthy happy relationship- something goes wrong, and usually the rational-self goes out the window.

 

I am talking less about how the relationship functions, and more about how the relationship effects personal growth/space.

 

Very good observation, and thoughtful questions. My experience has been that codependency or lack of enlightenment/personal growth isn't conducive to a healthy happy relationship. My search for myself, her search for herself doesn't stop and we aren't caught up in ego so we don't evaluate our happiness based on our relationship except in terms of interrelating. It is true that once you are in a relationship you function with the expectation that there is another life you are affecting, and that goes with children too. My role as the man, lover, husband, planner, best friend, teacher, and father is something we negotiated and renegotiate at times. We didn't lose ourselves but expanded our vision for who we could be. She is a writer, an artist, a nurturer, mother, wife, my woman, best friend, sister and my lover and I have little to do with what she is seeking or what she wants to create. I am a dependable linear thinker who is fairly introverted and she is a creative fly by the seat extrovert and we compliment each other in our life together. She likes my stability and I like her carefree spirit. We didn't stop growing and wanting to be more and wanting to see more when we met. In fact, together we have experienced a part of commingling of energy and life that we would have never done on our own.

Of course there is a lack of freedom, such as you have to be responsible and accountable, but that appeals to my character so I have little to no anxiety over that and neither does she. It really is about finding someone you can be independent with while also being enmeshed with...if that makes any sense. I often think about the young twenty something Grumps and how life changed for me when I met her. I was very happy single, was in a very serious search for peace and enlightenment, traveling to every place that stirred my imagination, having awesome sex and meeting great people. I didn't love her for lack of other options, or because I was ready to settle down but because everything we did, every adventure we have had, every time we make love or make eye contact is a little bit about that feeling you have when you have climbed the highest mountain and you realize you are seeing something from a differing and most majestic perspective. That perspective, to us anyway, definitely isn't old or boring or stale because we aren't that way as people. There would be hell to pay if we ever got that way too because she and I expect more from each other.

It is all about expectations and a good idea of who you are before you find your mate, if you should choose to find one.

Grumps

[Leigh 87]

I see what you are saying Leigh. I have been in that situation previously- was with my ex for 7 years, we were madly in love the whole time, he developed a serious drug issue on top of mental illness-my only option was to stay away for good, only then did I realize how much a relationship-no matter how good-takes away from a person/their thinking, as individuals.

 

I am talking specifically about personal development, personal peacefulness- and the ability to be that way regardless of a relationship (I think it is difficult to be that way if so much emphasis is on a relationship and clouding thinking).

I read your posts prior to being with your partner, about your background, international travel, handbags, education etc- things you define yourself by. I find it a little difficult to buy that you would be satisfied, or peaceful in life without your relationship. Perhaps your partner would encourage growth in certain respects which would lead to genuine personal grow- but I would still bet that the relationship itself would be a big source of your self-worth/validation.

Not judging you, because I think this is the case for most people, myself included, but I am trying to avoid that- basically I feel like a relationship does limit that sense of self- especially while we are so young. And it does have a huge impact on our wider perspectives, and mentality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was very happy single actually. From age 20 - 24 I was single by choice.

 

I was also very miserable when I derived all my happiness from my ex partner, and I stayed with him through cheating and when I felt like crap often that he obviously wasn't very attracted to me.

 

Had I enjoyed enough of my life outside of my relationship I would have kicked his ass to the curb.

 

Believe me, I am not going to repeatedly do something that I immensely disliked.

 

As for my current relationship....

 

I am happier when I am with my bf than when I was not. I admit.

 

Yet we spend 10 days apart at times and just knowing is there is enough, and I am not really all that dependant on a man anymore when it comes to having to be with him a lot physically. I have lost that co-dependency since my last break up and with therapy.

 

But I still loved life and was very happy before I met my bf, I had a lot of thrills and fun dating, I learnt to not trust a mans works until you got to know him, I got burned by falling too fast and overall, I learned a lot from mistakes I made and I really enjoyed the result; a stronger and well informed woman who doesn't tend to make many dating errors.

 

I was happy in a different way though.... I am a romantic so I was really happy and I felt really excited to be single and open to going through the whole "first dating "phase, the rush, the excitement.....

I was thinking of myself doing more travel and being able to have romances, various ones that were really enjoyable, before moving on to another country and not necessarily getting wrapped up in every lover.

I was happy in a different way; I loved life the same as I do now, but there was that element of excitement, of experiencing a new man/new relationship.

 

Not knowing how or where I would find him excited me, it was not something I WANTED to happen "soon". I didn't want to wait until my mid 30's either, to experience a great romance. Another issue altogether is that I would have questioned my desirability.

I wasn't relying on it or craving it to happen (a relationship) soon, but I didn't want to wait years either, I would have definitely come to a stage where I WANTED a life partner.

Being single has a lot of perks though, hence I was not keen to settle down anytime soon. I wasn't averse to it if I met someone who knocked my socks off.

 

I certainly wasn't rushing the process though of seeking a relationship.

 

The difference between now and my current situation?

I still feel the same way about life, I do not depend all of my happiness on the relationship..

I am just as interested in things going on outside my relationship.

I absolutely do not hinge my happiness on my relationship, I have done it before and I was very unfulfilled because I was not reading enough about interesting things, I was getting less of a mental workout on things outside of my relationship.

I know if I spent all my time thinking about and being with my boyfriend I would be in fact, VERY unhappy..........

 

A lot of my decisions and joy I feel is based on my boyfriend but if we were to break up I would be a happy person still land still love life with the same rigor.

 

It is like having children... You have an extra thing in your life that adds a great joy and depth to your happiness.

Yet without kids, people can still experience the same level of happiness.

 

 

 

I hope I am making sense and you understand where I am coming from.

 

 

Lastly, I hope you can see that I have been in that unfortunate position where my whole life revolved around my ex; this new relationship is nothing like that, because I know first hand that it is unhealthy.

 

I would never deliberately repeat an action that in the past, had made me unhappy. Such as depending too much on my relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life would suck without spending time with friends, without college OR professional work (most women my age have), and also without me being interested in the world around me and learning about things/talking about new concepts with people and learning more in general about various thins, with various people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Depending too much happiness and/or self worth on whether or not you have found this elusive, "true love" style of relationship, will only make you settle for less for the sake of having someone.

 

It'll make you stay with men who treat you badly and are not right for you.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think people are seeking fulfillment through relationships that they should be seeking within themselves...relationships/love affairs or however you want to define them, are never the source or the reason for your issues/problems, it's never about that other person, or even about love, it's always about you. But people tend to feel that somehow changes or is altered with the presence of a new person in their lives, often times people become overwhelmed by that experience and their brain essentially shuts off and they are simply creatures of a habit, mainly resonating from that unfulfilled void within themselves.

 

Agreed. Very insightful. Though we should always be growing and learning, core values and an idea of who we are and what we stand for should be established before seeking relationships in the least. I did quite a bit of getting my head on straight and figuring out who I was while I was a single man.

 

Our unfulfilled voids are because we pay more attention to externals than internals and we don't want to work for change and growth so we give in to habit and rely on our temporary euphoria from sexual energy and limerence.

Best,

G