OhThatGirl Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Just found out that my sleazy ex boyfriend was seeing another woman while we were still together. We were together for a year. Agreed not to see or sleep with other people. I broke up with him when I found out he was still active on an OLD site (which is not how we met)... Recently saw on her Facebook page that she has been posting things about him (thinking of you, missing you) since well before we broke up. She lives in the city that he is based out of for work (he's a pilot, I know, how cliche) So yes. He was seeing me, using his online dating profile, and seeing someone else in another city. Should I let her know? Or just let her learn on her own? Note: She knew him before I did. Few years. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Personally, I wouldn't bother. She probably won't believe you anyway. If this is the way he operates then he'll not change and she'll find out sooner than later. You don't owe her anything IMO. Just be glad you aren't with him any more. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhThatGirl Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 Yep. You're probably right. Hope she braces herself for this one. Finding this out couldn't have come at a better time. A few weeks ago I started seeing someone and I was initially weirded out by his romantic gestures (bringing me flowers.. twice) and moves towards commitment (deleting his OLD profile, introducing me to his friends) but I've really started to like him. Now he just looks like a giant gold star compared to the last turd. I really see now that all these gestures and moves toward commitment are *supposed* to happen when catch a good one. Feeling awesome. Except for that pang of sympathy I have for this other woman... Bah. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 If you're secretly hoping to torpedo his thing with her in revenge then you'll probably be disappointed. People have a way of not letting third party outside forces interfere when the penis and vagina want each other, no matter what ugly truth that third party may have to offer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhThatGirl Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 If you're secretly hoping to torpedo his thing with her in revenge then you'll probably be disappointed. People have a way of not letting third party outside forces interfere when the penis and vagina want each other, no matter what ugly truth that third party may have to offer. Nah. It's just that I really really appreciated getting concrete evidence that he was a slimeball worth leaving. Different scenario though. My assistant was matched with him on a dating site (that he had been active on) and it was enough to seal the deal for me to move on. If I could offer her the same insight and help her out, I would. But it's a different situation. She hasn't posted anything about him in about a month so maybe she figured it out on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 She may already know all of this. Either way, you don't really have much to gain from getting involved. Sure, if you want to tell her, send her a message - she does have a right to know. If not, then let it be, forget this douche, and focus on your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 If you're secretly hoping to torpedo his thing with her in revenge then you'll probably be disappointed. People have a way of not letting third party outside forces interfere when the penis and vagina want each other, no matter what ugly truth that third party may have to offer. This is true. I casually went out with a guy a couple times once. He was very specific about how he talked about this other girl - claimed she was psycho and stalking him. Down the line I realized he was sleeping with her for like a year before we met but would never commit to a relationship with her. She actually started contacting me after I'd decided not to see him romantically anymore (we had only been on like two dates if that). I was honest with her via text about what had transpired and the types of things he told me about her. It's almost a year later, she is still with the guy but not in a committed relationship. He and I still text every now and then. He's gone to see a female in another state and slept with her and is now talking about visiting another girl in a different state, too. My point is that women are often stupid and never listen even when the truth is staring them in the face. It is a futile effort trying to get them to "realize" what is really going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with contacting this other woman to try to let her know that she's been involved in a betrayal. You could save her years of wasted time. Kudos to you for thinking of her. I wish there were more people like you out there. Is there anything in it for you? Nope. Do you owe her anything? Nope. It's just a decent thing to do. Awesome. Is she likely to believe you? Of course not. Her default is to believe her main squeeze. You were in a similar position. So, what helped you to make the realization? I believe the words you used were: concrete proof. If you have it, give it to her. If you don't, then don't bother. Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with contacting this other woman to try to let her know that she's been involved in a betrayal. You could save her years of wasted time. Kudos to you for thinking of her. I wish there were more people like you out there. Is there anything in it for you? Nope. Do you owe her anything? Nope. It's just a decent thing to do. Awesome. Is she likely to believe you? Of course not. Her default is to believe her main squeeze. You were in a similar position. So, what helped you to make the realization? I believe the words you used were: concrete proof. If you have it, give it to her. If you don't, then don't bother. I had concrete proof, too. This girl found a way to rationalize it in her twisted brain, and she ate up every manipulative lie this guy fed her. Link to post Share on other sites
msando Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with telling her if you have proof. It will save her a lot of time and heartache down the road. I would want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 This is true. I casually went out with a guy a couple times once. He was very specific about how he talked about this other girl - claimed she was psycho and stalking him. Down the line I realized he was sleeping with her for like a year before we met but would never commit to a relationship with her. She actually started contacting me after I'd decided not to see him romantically anymore (we had only been on like two dates if that). I was honest with her via text about what had transpired and the types of things he told me about her. It's almost a year later, she is still with the guy but not in a committed relationship. He and I still text every now and then. He's gone to see a female in another state and slept with her and is now talking about visiting another girl in a different state, too. My point is that women are often stupid and never listen even when the truth is staring them in the face. It is a futile effort trying to get them to "realize" what is really going on. You still did the right thing, even if she wasn't able to accept the information in a way that would benefit her. Maybe her head was stuck in the sand and even though she didn't do anything about the info you presented her, at some point in time she will come to her senses about how that guy is treating her (maybe another girl feels compassion for her and gives her more proof) and she finally wakes up and gets rid of him. But if you had never said anything, she wouldn't believe the second girl. Don't give up on doing the right thing or get discouraged because one girl didn't immediately listen to your warning and take action. As a human being, I appreciate that you told her the truth and respect you for doing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 You still did the right thing, even if she wasn't able to accept the information in a way that would benefit her. Maybe her head was stuck in the sand and even though she didn't do anything about the info you presented her, at some point in time she will come to her senses about how that guy is treating her (maybe another girl feels compassion for her and gives her more proof) and she finally wakes up and gets rid of him. But if you had never said anything, she wouldn't believe the second girl. Don't give up on doing the right thing or get discouraged because one girl didn't immediately listen to your warning and take action. As a human being, I appreciate that you told her the truth and respect you for doing that. I think the one difference in my situation and the OP's is that this girl approached me for info. She got my number from another mutual friend (weird, random "what a small world" situation!) and pushed me for the info. Sadly, she's a young single mom and I think she thinks he is the best she'll ever get with her "baggage". Also, he's kind of brainwashed her into thinking the harder she works for him, the more he will "love" her. Really, truly sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Nah. It's just that I really really appreciated getting concrete evidence that he was a slimeball worth leaving. Different scenario though. My assistant was matched with him on a dating site (that he had been active on) and it was enough to seal the deal for me to move on. If I could offer her the same insight and help her out, I would. But it's a different situation. She hasn't posted anything about him in about a month so maybe she figured it out on her own. Imagine if your assistant had decided that she didn't want to get involved and just kept the fact that she knew your then bf was actively online dating a secret. And you dated that guy for another year, wasting a year of your life with someone who was lying to you, preventing you from meeting a decent guy. Maybe the other girl has caught on to him, or maybe she is just suspicious about his scumbag ways and has no proof. Maybe she has no idea and just isn't posting much on FB for an entirely different reason. The fact is, you can't be certain, and you have information that she has no way to find out about unless you tell her. I'd just tell her. It's possible she will get mad at you or not believe you, but so what? If you want to keep the drama to a minimum just do it anonamously. Someone helped you by giving you proof, pay it forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I think the one difference in my situation and the OP's is that this girl approached me for info. She got my number from another mutual friend (weird, random "what a small world" situation!) and pushed me for the info. Sadly, she's a young single mom and I think she thinks he is the best she'll ever get with her "baggage". Also, he's kind of brainwashed her into thinking the harder she works for him, the more he will "love" her. Really, truly sad. That is really sad. Hopefully she comes to her senses in time. Her reaction to the info you gave her is completely out of your control, but you still did the right thing. I hope that just because one girl is so messed up that she couldn't face reality when given the facts doesn't change your perspective on what is right and wrong. That situation could have gone an entirely different way, she could have dumped him and moved on and been much better off because you were willing to tell the truth. It sucks that you stuck your neck out and she didn't do anything with the information you gave her, but that just means she probably isn't all that emotionally healthy to begin with, since she stuck her head right back in the sand and continues to be manipulated by him. But you said she is young, so chances are she doesn't stay with this guy forever, and somewhere down the road she will look back and appreciate what you did for her, even though she wasn't able to act on it at the time, and even if she never tells you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Storm_Chaser Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Just found out that my sleazy ex boyfriend was seeing another woman while we were still together. We were together for a year. Agreed not to see or sleep with other people. I broke up with him when I found out he was still active on an OLD site (which is not how we met)... Recently saw on her Facebook page that she has been posting things about him (thinking of you, missing you) since well before we broke up. She lives in the city that he is based out of for work (he's a pilot, I know, how cliche) So yes. He was seeing me, using his online dating profile, and seeing someone else in another city. Should I let her know? Or just let her learn on her own? Note: She knew him before I did. Few years. Well, I can tell you from experience: warning most women about sleazy exes just sends them running further into their arms. Once I found out my ex was lying to me and this OW, we broke up and I told him I was going to message her, because he was a lying sack of **** and she deserved to know. I tried to give him time to do the right thing by me and by her and just level with us both, however, I think my warning him just gave him more time to go running to her to warn her that a "bat **** crazy" woman was going to contact her. I contacted her--laid it all out there. She has been suck up his @$$ ever sense. She's now living with him, sleeping in the same bed he and I slept in for months and she's using the coffee and laundry detergent that I bought. *sigh* Regardless of how f-ed the whole situation is, at least I know that my intentions for contacting her were good and in her best interest. Alas, she's going to have to learn the hard way, I guess. My point in telling you this is I would let this woman know. She may not listen to you--let's face it, she probably won't--but you'll know that you attempted to do the right thing. I would hope someone would tell me if the situation were reversed. Yeah, it's true I might not listen, or I may be swayed by whatever BS the guy would tell me, but, still, I'd be appreciative that someone tried to warn me, especially once I got burned. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 My point in telling you this is I would let this woman know. She may not listen to you--let's face it, she probably won't--but you'll know that you attempted to do the right thing. I would hope someone would tell me if the situation were reversed. Yeah, it's true I might not listen, or I may be swayed by whatever BS the guy would tell me, but, still, I'd be appreciative that someone tried to warn me, especially once I got burned. I agree. I would also want that they tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
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