How to tell husband I want a divorce

[lmyya]

I want a divorce, but I still care about my husband and want him to be ok eventually. I know he won't be happy about the divorce. Neither am I as a matter of fact. But what we have now is very unhealthy.

 

My husband is emotionally abusive-- severely so. It has escalated in the last year. We have been through a few years of marriage counseling, and I have had individual counseling for two years now. We have different maturity levels and very little in common. I am facing the idea that the divorce has to happen.

 

I don't want to surprise him with divorce papers or anything. I don't really want to give him some earful about everything that's wrong-- he has heard it all, and we won't be rectifying those things if we're divorcing.

 

But I do want to be constructive about it, if possible. I would like us each to have a shot at recovering from the trauma of divorce and finding contentment and health in our lives one day. Yes, he is pretty horrible to me now, but I don't want to make things even worse. And I confess that I'm a little afraid of this whole process and all its unknowns.

 

I am having a hard time knowing how to have the conversation. He does not want divorce; he has told me so. (Except once when he left overnight and said he wanted a divorce, but changed his mind the next day.)

 

How did you approach your spouse to ask for a divorce? Or how were you approached? Any words from the wise?

[Arieswoman]

Imyya,

I am sorry things haven't worked out for you.

 

Have you talked to a solicitor/attorney yet?

 

If not I think you should do so. It will give you a better idea of the process and what your legal rights are.

 

Good Luck.

[oldshirt]

Since this situation involves abuse and meanness, he has waived his right to soft landing and an easy, forewarned divorce.

 

 

Your priority has to be your own safety and welfare as well as the safety and welfare of your children.

 

 

This means that you must seek legal counsel and get all your ducks in a row and get your support system circled around you and have everything ready to go before pulling the ejection handle.

 

 

If that involves restraining orders, no-contact orders and abuse shelters and remaining in hiding during the proceedings then so be it.

 

 

Since he has shown that he is not going to cooperate and play nice during a divorce, then that means that you aren't going to be able to soften this up.

 

 

He may be mean and boarish but he probably isn't dumb. He knows the depths of your unhappiness and it won't shock him that you are filing for divorce. What will shock him is that you are standing up for yourself and doing something for yourself without his blessings.

 

 

Yes that will piss him off. it may even piss him off real bad. He may even get real mean and even violent. That's why you have to get your wagons circled and your ducks in a row in advance.

 

 

If he was a nice guy and would have been all warm and cooperative, you probably wouldn't be divorcing him in the first place. He knows he's a butt.

 

 

There is no magic bullet that is going to make him all warm and nice and cooperative about this. He is going to be mad and hurt and react badly no matter what you do or how you do it. There for do it in a manner that is as swift and efficient and as safe to you and your children as possible.

 

 

Yes it will sting him and he will be mad but he gave up his right to an amicable and painfree divorce when he chose to be a butthole.

[lmyya]

Read these posts three times. Called an attorney who is also a psychiatrist. Then, I had one more conversation with my husband last night about the latest thing he did that I found hurtful. (It was quite a thing-- planned, staged and executed, with some blatant deceptions.) When he laughed sarcastically, I told him that I was not going to live in an unhealthy and abusive relationship anymore-- I just wasn't.

 

That's about all I got out-- I started the sentence where I tell him I want divorce. He knew where it was going, and he told me to get out of the room. "Get out. Get out. Go, we're done, get out."

 

I left the room. Moments later he left the house, slamming the door. It was midnight. I had to work the next day, but we have a 1-year-old baby that my husband stays home with the 3 days a week that I go into the office. (And I must add, he's good to our son.)

 

 

So I called in sick to work and took my son to visit a daycare center. If I'm getting a divorce, I'll have to find care for my son. The daycare center was great; we laughed and played. Then I took my baby out to coffee (juice bottle for him, latte for me). Then my mother visited while baby napped. Then baby and I had a first-ever playdate with little toddler friends, in the spring sunshine. Later, we had a dance party with the boom box outside under the evening sky.

 

I was very happy. No walking on eggshells. My life was mine! I had feared being alone, but actually, this day was the best I've had in years.

 

But husband has nowhere to go, no job, has been unemployed for a few years, feels that it's almost impossible to get a job now. He's so prideful he'd rather sleep in a ditch than ask me to reconsider, but still, I don't want the father of my child totally floundering. I wish I had extra money to just get him an apartment for a few months while he job-searched. I am considering allowing him to stay here while he looks for work-- if he can stop being abusive. But he won't stay here unless I say we are not getting a divorce.

 

I can call a truce, but I bet he'll avoid getting a job, knowing that I'd just divorce him once he could be financially independent. My other option is to just file the papers and stop fretting over his well-being. That's hard.

[confused-hesitant]

He's mentally abused you for years and your willing to PAY for him to have an apartment??? Let him GO! I had to learn this lesson the hard way. He knows what is coming and he's a big boy, he'll deal with it. You focus on YOU and your baby. You aren't raising two children...

[SummerAngel]

I can relate to how you feel. I am also a victim of emotional abuse and I am currently separated from my husband. I'm contemplating a divorce, but I am so confused. My advice would be to focus on you and to take care of yourself. That should be your main priority. As much as it may hard to tell him, he has taken your power from you through the abuse, and you need to take that power back, some way or somehow. I know it's better to say it than do it, but you need to take care of you now. It's going to be hard, and it's going to be emotional, but try to find your inner strength. That will help you in the long run. Things will get better. Just hang in there.

[bv120]

Make yourself an appointment with an attorney. Before your appointment let him know about it and hopefully he will quickly realize you're serious about the D and not waste both of your time arguing about. You need to be firm and not waiver. Make your decision and stick to it. If you're thinking about divorce, you need one.

 

 

BV

[lmyya]

I can relate to how you feel. I am also a victim of emotional abuse and I am currently separated from my husband. I'm contemplating a divorce, but I am so confused. My advice would be to focus on you and to take care of yourself. That should be your main priority. As much as it may hard to tell him, he has taken your power from you through the abuse, and you need to take that power back, some way or somehow. I know it's better to say it than do it, but you need to take care of you now. It's going to be hard, and it's going to be emotional, but try to find your inner strength. That will help you in the long run. Things will get better. Just hang in there.

 

Thank you for this-- You are right that I must focus on myself, and you're right that that is hard to do. I'm not ready yet, I guess-- husband is back in the house, but he's being nice (for now). He is a pretty miserable man these days and I sense that he is looking for an answer. His weapons are passive aggression, silent treatments, surprise behind-the-back sabotage as punishment for random tiny transgressions, gossip and subtle put-downs et c. When he stops for a day, I am in heart-palpitating suspense, wondering when the shoe is going to drop. When he stops for two days and throws in some friendly words, I feel lulled into a sense of acceptance or even huge, desperate hope for a good future together.

 

Right now, I guess I'm lulled. Baby loves husband and is bonded with him. I like knowing husband is around every night to put baby to bed-- but after that, it's this weird dance where I wonder whether we'll hang out or he'll angrily ignore me.

 

The angry ignoring usually comes before some stunning act of sabotage that's done before I can detect it-- canceling things, telling his (manipulative, controlling) family some lie that they will act on, planning something for our son he knows I won't like and taking him to it without telling me, or just plain taking our baby son away for a day and refusing to tell me when I'll see him again-- or on the other hand, leaving unexpectedly when I'm supposed to go to work, and I have to watch our baby and make excuses at work. (I'm the sole breadwinner.) The unpredictability is maddening-- meanwhile, I'm trying to parent my son and keep my job, with constant roadblocks.

 

If it can just stop for long enough for husband to find a job and some independence, I can divorce him if and when it all starts up again. Or so I tell myself. Maybe the only option is divorcing before I know that he'll be ok on his own, because I can't predict when I will know that.

[oldshirt]

Thank you for this-- You are right that I must focus on myself, and you're right that that is hard to do. I'm not ready yet, I guess-- husband is back in the house, but he's being nice (for now). He is a pretty miserable man these days and I sense that he is looking for an answer. His weapons are passive aggression, silent treatments, surprise behind-the-back sabotage as punishment for random tiny transgressions, gossip and subtle put-downs et c. When he stops for a day, I am in heart-palpitating suspense, wondering when the shoe is going to drop. When he stops for two days and throws in some friendly words, I feel lulled into a sense of acceptance or even huge, desperate hope for a good future together.

 

 

That is the textbook 'Push-Pull' of abuse. That is part of the abuse syndrome. Basically it's that things are so crumby and dysfunctional so much that when someone is nice, it's such a change of pace that you relish it and fantasize about it lasting. ....it never does.

 

Right now, I guess I'm lulled. Baby loves husband and is bonded with him. I like knowing husband is around every night to put baby to bed--

 

 

So you are putting up with a man you don't love and don't want to be with so he can be an assistance babysitter. I'm sure he loves that.

 

 

 

 

but after that, it's this weird dance where I wonder whether we'll hang out or he'll angrily ignore me.

 

The angry ignoring usually comes before some stunning act of sabotage that's done before I can detect it-- canceling things, telling his (manipulative, controlling) family some lie that they will act on,

 

 

 

 

Manipulation and abuse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

planning something for our son he knows I won't like and taking him to it without telling me, or just plain taking our baby son away for a day and refusing to tell me when I'll see him again--

 

 

 

 

Report this to your attorney. If he pulls this after temporary custody arraingments have been made and it is in violation of that agreement, it is a crime.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

or on the other hand, leaving unexpectedly when I'm supposed to go to work, and I have to watch our baby and make excuses at work. (I'm the sole breadwinner.) The unpredictability is maddening-- meanwhile, I'm trying to parent my son and keep my job, with constant roadblocks.

 

 

 

A court ordered custody arrangement will take care of that.

 

If it can just stop for long enough for husband to find a job and some independence, I can divorce him

 

 

 

 

OK this is where your fantasy world is coming into play. He has been unemployed for years - what makes you think he is going to get a job now?

This is almost like some kind of knight in shining armor on a white horse fantasy in reverse. In this case isn't not a knight in shining armor riding his white horse into your life to save you, but rather you are harboring a fantasy that he is going to miraculously get a job, become a nice and decent person and ride OUT of your life to leave you in peace and harmony.

That is fantasy. This guy is a loser and a career unemployed bum and you are his gravy train. he is not going to get a job, become a nice, decent person and leave you in peace without a fuss.

You are going to have to roll up your sleeves, drink a bottle of SuperBitch and do the legwork to secure your own freedom and your own way of life EVEN THOUGH he is fighting you every step of the way and even though he isn't cooperating and following your fantasy strategy.

 

 

 

 

if and when it all starts up again. Or so I tell myself. Maybe the only option is divorcing before I know that he'll be ok on his own, because I can't predict when I will know that.

 

 

Divorce is severing the ties that hold a married couple together legally and socially. Which means that you have to do whatever it takes for you to move on without him and he has to find his own way on his own.

Unless he is determined to be an unfit parent (which sounds like could possibly be the case) you will both be coparents and will share childrearing obligations, the extent of which to each of you will be determined by the court. Other than that, you two will be two distinct individual.

The big issue you are going to have here is you may be required to pay him spousal support since he does maintain physical child care responsibilities while he is unemployed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read what I have above. The moral of the story here is you need to get out of your dreamworld fantasyland and start working with an attorney ASAP.

[oldshirt]

Make yourself an appointment with an attorney. Before your appointment let him know about it and hopefully he will quickly realize you're serious about the D and not waste both of your time arguing about. You need to be firm and not waiver. Make your decision and stick to it. If you're thinking about divorce, you need one.

 

 

BV

 

 

 

Make an appointment with an attorney but do NOT! tell him a word about it.

 

 

He is an abusive, manipulative, bad person. Any knowledge and information he has will give him ammunition to use against you and to thwart any efforts you have to lead a healthy productive life.

 

 

How well you are able to get rid of him and move on with the rest of your life will be determined on how quickly and efficiently you are able to plan and execute your divorce according to your better interests.

 

 

The element of surprise and strategy and planning are your best assets.

 

 

He's bad, but he's not dumb. He knows he's a bum and he knows you are unhappy. He's not going to just wake up one day and realize that he's been misbehaving and start being Mr Good Citizen and Good Husband and Father. This is who and what he is and he is never going to change. He is going to dog you until he is in his grave. You have to take charge of your own future and your own destiny and stop this little fantasy of your's that he is going to transform into a good person and a good husband.

 

 

You chose the wrong man to marry and father your children. The price you now have to pay for that mistake is by putting in your own work and effort to provide yourself and your child a good life and to stop dreaming that he is going to be the one to step up to the plate to give you those things.

[lmyya]

 

 

He's bad, but he's not dumb. He knows he's a bum and he knows you are unhappy. He's not going to just wake up one day and realize that he's been misbehaving and start being Mr Good Citizen and Good Husband and Father. This is who and what he is and he is never going to change. He is going to dog you until he is in his grave. You have to take charge of your own future and your own destiny and stop this little fantasy of your's that he is going to transform into a good person and a good husband.

 

 

You chose the wrong man to marry and father your children. The price you now have to pay for that mistake is by putting in your own work and effort to provide yourself and your child a good life and to stop dreaming that he is going to be the one to step up to the plate to give you those things.

 

I don't know who you are, Oldshirt, but you are awesome. THANK YOU. The white horse metaphor, especially, has struck home like no words from any family or friend so far. And you point out that my real fantasy involves not only my husband changing into basically someone else, but in the alternative, my husband leaving me in peace. Well, I can at least make sure that I am left in peace, eventually.

 

The tough part for me is that he was not always this way. That feeds my fantasy that he will go back to being nice; I can tell myself that if he changed, he can change "back." But we didn't live together before and we certainly didn't have a baby together (pregnancy came very soon after marriage). There were some little red flags too, and also, his family is controlling and manipulative. More importantly, I am no longer willing to bank on the possibility of him changing back.

 

It is not easy to let go of a fantasy. I am going to replace it with another, long-standing one: the one where I have a healthy and basically well-functioning life, like so many people whose lives I drool over. I worked HARD to graduate summa cum laude from my college, and I loved it, too. I studied at the Sorbonne and got another degree. I worked pretty hard in law school and also enjoyed that. Then I worked like a dog for a bully boss for 5 years afterward, sticking it out an excelling until I got my current heavenly job (heavenly except for the mediocre salary). I have a great family living on a beautiful plot of land nearby and siblings a short plane trip here and there. My dad has offered to help pay for day care, though I feel guilty accepting money that other, less well-employed siblings could use. And I have a fantastic baby son, an absolute joy. Anyway, I've built up some things to ensure a pretty good life is my point. And yet I am aware that it is dysfunctional right now; I envy people living a self-respecting and sane existence.

 

Continuing to build a good life from here will be more difficult than the entire acquisition of my degrees. I will have to go outside my comfort level, a thing I have never done on purpose. I owe it to all my past work and my son. My own parents raised me with so much kindness, with the hope that I'd have a happy future.

 

I no longer expect my husband's kindness to last. He was very nice last night and seemed genuine. Then today we took our baby on an outing, which was friendly and fun. However, I am completely aware that all the friendly moments are temporary. A switch has been flicked on in my head. The future holds repeated misery even if dappled by "good" (normal, decent) times. I am going to have to leave him when I have my ducks in a row. It is sad to lose hope, but on the other hand, I haven't had the ragged nerves all day.

 

My only goal now is to avoid backsliding into false hope-- not easy! And one by one I'll figure out what else I need to do. I'll maybe post updates.

[Tiggerluvr3275]

Your husband sounds so much like mine. I wish you all the best.

[lmyya]

Tiggerlovr, I wish you so much luck and future happiness! I'll try to keep the updates flowing, and since we are in the same boat, maybe you can take heart from them.

 

Last night I told my husband that I had a TON of work (built up from last week's debacle that he caused, plus my reaction to it.) I reminded him that I work from home the next day. He usually sleeps in until noon unless I wake him. Well, last night I told him that I didn't want to have to wake him. "Can you be awake by 9," I said, "so I can work?" He gave a grumpy yes, but then he told me that he was going to take our son out of the house probably all day.

 

It irks me that he takes our son to hang out with his sister, or with his parents, but won't have baby together in the house with me. This is true not only while I'm working, but even on evenings or weekends. If I have baby, husband leaves. If he wants to hang out with baby, he takes baby to his sister's or parents' house. I didn't mention that last night, though.

 

I told him that I wanted at least some time with my son in the house, preferably while I was working so he could just see that I was home. But if I couldn't have that, at least I wanted to see him over the "lunch" hour, whenever was convenient. I don't get to see him on the 3 days I go into work, because I work an hour away. I come home a couple hours before bedtime. My little guy is just 1 year old. I relish my little moments with him whenever I can get them.

 

Husband said, no, he didn't like that I wanted my son here some of the time. He didn't like that I wanted to see my son for a half hour in the middle of the day. His reason was that, if I "get" those things, then I am controlling him (my husband). In his mind, me saying that I want my son in the house SOME of the time I'm working from home, is tantamount to me "controlling" my husband and telling him where to be--because he then couldn't leave the house whenever he wanted. Good grief. It's not like I was being specific about when or how long I wanted our son around. I told him that if he felt controlled by that, it's another excellent reason that we all might do better if he works and we get child care.

 

At that, my husband became so livid, he left the house with hardly another word. It was 12:30 a.m. We only have one house key; I told him I wanted to at least know whether he had a place to sleep because, if not, I didn't necessarily want to lock the door. He refused to tell me anything. Again I was like, "Can I lock the door, remember it's your wife and baby in this house." He said he didn't care.

 

You bet I locked the door. My baby's safety over my husband's? Sorry, dude. I don't wish you any harm, but I choose baby. And how dare he even come close to making me choose.

 

He came back this morning but told me that he had to apply for a job that closes today. He asked whether I could watch our baby while he did that. That ended up taking five hours; I still haven't worked beyond my 11-1:30 that I took. Tonight I'll just work until the wee hours, to make up for it.

 

While he was out, I called a divorce lawyer and scheduled for a Friday appointment-- that's in 4 days. I can't really think of a divorce situation that doesn't cost money, isn't even more inconvenient than my husband's shenanigans, and won't be painful or bewildering. But that's no longer the point for me. A divorce being inconvenient and painful-- that makes some sense, and one hopes it's temporary. But a marriage being inconvenient and painful and costly-- that could stretch on forever, could foreclose a lot of future happiness to all three of us.

 

In the very short term, I'm going to give up my work-from-home days. That way, he can't just take off, and so I can work and won't lose my job. In fact I'm going to work out of a local office, but I won't tell him that unless he asks (he won't). I hate not seeing more of my son-- I earned these work from home days! But I'd better keep my job. It's only a temporary fix, giving up the telecommute days. After the divorce, I can hire a mother's helper or nanny to come watch my son while I'm in the home office working, or put him in day care and at least see him over lunch.

 

 

That is the update. Time to get more work done. Must keep job.