help! Need advice about divorcing.

[dvous]

Well I'm here.

 

I have let my wife know I want a divorce, and currently we are separated. I don't get why, but she decided that she should stay with my parents with my daughter, which I feel guilty that it is the only reason they didn't turn her away. It has been 3 months, and is just getting worse by the day. She keeps begging me to tell her why I want this, why I am doing this to my daughter. I have tried to give her as much as I fully understand myself, and yet none of it is good enough for her. I am only 25, and really I am not bashing her....but she is 22 and yet she is still so young emotionally. I have grown a lot emotionally in the past 5 years, and feel like she is just way too far behind to keep up. Of course this is not the only reason that I have made the decision to end my marriage, but I know for certain that it is the reason that it could not be salvaged. How do you explain that to someone? If I tried to relay that to her, being the way that she is, would take it as me being hateful and trying to hurt her.

 

As of lately, she talks alot of remaining my friend, which I have already been warned about the difficulties of working that out this early. I already understand why that is, one minute she wants to be my best friend, and the next minute she is telling me what she could do to me legally. That was almost 2 months ago, since then I try to keep my distance when it doesn't involve my daughter. Now it has turned into what she is taking and what I am going to give her, I have no intentions of fighting over material things and my reply to the start of that conversation is always, "take it all, I don't care". I do mean that if it is what is going to make things easier for her, but it has turned into sick and twisted game now. None of this surprises me, and is another reason why I stayed so long in a marriage that I didn't believe in.

 

I guess the whole reason why I am here, is that I am hoping for some advise. I am running out of steam, and loosing momentum. I don't even know where I am supposed to be starting, costs, etc.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by dvous

As of lately, she talks alot of remaining my friend, which I have already been warned about the difficulties of working that out this early.

 

Did you tell her about the OW? I imagine if you tell her, she'll stop trying to be your friend.

 

 

Originally posted by dvous

Now, I find myself with an extremly consuming problem of finding I have feelings for another woman. She and I have no relationship, friendship or otherwize, only the mutual understanding that we are both curious about what we could have together. She knows I am married, and have a child, and is very respectful of that fact. I have never let on to the fact that my marriage is failing, and somehow I think she knows I am unhappy.

 

This is where I am the most scared, I want to persue this girl, knowing that I am this close to ending my marriage, but am terrified of what my wife would turn my leaving her into.

 

Maybe you could go out for a pack of smokes and just not come back? Either that or get a lawyer to do your divorce papers and let your wife move on with her life. Maybe she'll find somebody who cares about her next time.

[MassiveAtom]

It's clear to me that you haven't matured emotionally as much as you think you have. Yes 22 is young, but 25 is nowhere near mature.

 

BTW, the OW is the problem. Lose her, and you'll crash.

 

Or call your wife and tell her there's someone else. Then watch what happens. It gets real bad, real fast.

 

Listen buddy, there's nothing right or good about your situation. NOTHING. You are in the wrong here, you may have your justifications, drop 'em. they don't fly. You can use those reasons to understand why you did this for you. No one else will ever be able to "get it." Get some therapy, pull yourself together.

 

Read RBLE's post in the "reasons for cheating" thread in this forum.

Then...

 

 

Start growing up.

 

Edited to add: then he came back and edited out the real problem so he could keep hiding, and hope he would get a justification without that one vital bit of info. WOW! I feel for the woman now for sure.

 

 

 

like never before,

 

 

MA

[debilou]

I can't believe you would ask for help from people on this web site. Maybe you think WE won't see through you either.

 

You are in deeper water than you know. Hindsight is 20/20. Run to a counselor. All that you are doing is jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Your WIFE deserves the truth!!!!!!!

 

There should be a law that "adulterers" should have to serve in the Peace Corp for at least 1 year after their divorce!!

 

Maybe that would change all these shallow feelings adulterers seem to have in common!

 

Debilou

[dvous]

First of all I did like the others suggested and didnt become involved with the OW, my stbxw knows about her, I didnt say that I was mature...I said that I have grown alot since I was 21. Wow, and I came here because I thought there would not be so much judgement passed on someone (Me) when you don't know all of the facts, I guess I was wrong.

 

I'm guessing those who got so upset and replied, how many of you are women, who got left like I am trying to do, and I forgive you for being so rude, as I do my stbxw. I did not ask for her to become the monster she did, I asked her to get help. I could have given you guys a perfect outline of my stbxw, and you would understand where I am coming from, but NO, thats not what I asked. I was just freaking asking general questions about what the proceedings are and how much they cost, papers, in court, not in court. You all arent much help, and if you like this forum and think that you do something good here, I am telling you now that you are failures in the matter.

[Lil Honey]

Dvous:

 

You can get all sorts of information about divorce by doing a search for it. There are sites that can give you a check list of the papers that you will need for your lawyer.

 

Some folks go through mediation. I didn't, so I don't know the pros and cons of it. I simply went to a lawyer and filed. I live in Michigan. If there are no kids, there is a two-month wait before the papers are processed. If there are kids, there is a six-month wait. Also, in this state there is (at least) one meeting with the Friend of the Court in regard to child support.

 

My lawyer took care of everything else, but my divorce was pretty cut and dried. It was easy money for my lawyer. There was no disagreements over property, money or kids. I wanted to avoid fighting at all costs.

 

What surprised me the most (and I don't know why) was the way they just . . . boom, boom, boom . . . went through one divorce in court and then the next. It was so . . . clinical . . . I guess is a good word. They stamped the papers and we were out the door.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by dvous

First of all I did like the others suggested and didnt become involved with the OW, my stbxw knows about her, I didnt say that I was mature...I said that I have grown alot since I was 21. Wow, and I came here because I thought there would not be so much judgement passed on someone (Me) when you don't know all of the facts, I guess I was wrong.

 

ALl I saw was that you were involved with another woman. Be very careful what you post. I'm not a woman,. ANd I also know that infidelity is horrible. You know how I know. I've been there. Good for you that you were able to pull yourself out of the involvement with the other woman. I trust you still understand that doing so will diminish you more than anyone else.

I'm guessing those who got so upset and replied, how many of you are women, who got left like I am trying to do, and I forgive you for being so rude, as I do my stbxw. I did not ask for her to become the monster she did, I asked her to get help. I could have given you guys a perfect outline of my stbxw, and you would understand where I am coming from, but NO, thats not what I asked. I was just freaking asking general questions about what the proceedings are and how much they cost, papers, in court, not in court. You all arent much help, and if you like this forum and think that you do something good here, I am telling you now that you are failures in the matter.

 

DVOUS - is your nickname, strike one. It implies that you view yourself as deceitful, secretive, shady.

 

You post a message seeking divorce, including info about an emotional affair, then delete that info. Reinforcing the subconscious impression that you are DVOUS. - strike two

 

Now you didn't get what you wanted, so you cast aspersions on anyone who differs strongly from what your expectations were. Strike three

 

Are you out? No, you just have to ready to get hit with a beanball now and then.

 

Is this the kind of reaction you gave your wife at a difference of opinion?

 

If so, get thee to therapy, and wait on the divorce.

 

But if you're dead set on it, go to http://www.google.com. in the search field, type your state, and the word "Divorce" there you are.

 

 

 

 

like you never expected,

 

 

MA

[dvous]

That is more like it, but don't you think that I have tried search engines, the results are full of law offices and such. No information that is straight to the point, step by step ya know.

 

I did not ask you to investigate my other posts, that to me is shady, that was a whole different time, a whole different forum subject. Do you always look for a reason to argue with someones post? I appologize for striking back, but this is what I am dealing with concerning the stbxw. She is on the attack in the worst way, like a highschool girl who is seeking revenge for getting played. It is really showing a lot about who she is really.

 

My nickname, honestly yes it is shady but in different context. I have had that nickname since I was 16, I used to be a grafitti artist and that was my mark. I was speaking against only what didnt pertain to what I was asking, I only posted in here because I have scoured everyones posts for guidance and thought that someone could give me a hand, having been in my shoes at once, or still. I don't have anyone to talk to and thought that the impartial opinion and advise of a stranger would be worth a try.

 

As far as how I am interacting with my stbxw, I have cut all effort to communicate with her on my part. There is no disagreement between us because I won't allow it, I tell her she can have everything, she can take me to the cleaners, do whatever she wants if its what she is planning to do, and only add that I will survive. I mean that, its not worth it, I have a daughter and she is all that I care about and even that is used against me. She keeps making threats to dissapear with her, right now I can't do anything but wait for her to act on her intentions, and ride the wave, or tsunami in this case.

[MassiveAtom]

Okay, Okay, My apologies for making assumptions about your character. I have been attacked in the same manner here a couple times before. And I know it sucks. Actually it really hurts. I'm Sorry.

 

I guess sometimes we all just get irked by something and we make mistakes.

 

I didn't know if you tried google. Yeah the law offices are thick as flies. Call one.

 

An attorney will likely require a retainer based on your income. probably about 1500.00 -$2000.00. at about 150 to 200 bucks an hour, and then you're off. Every state is a little different it could be two months, it could be two years before you start to see any action in the courts.

 

Good luck.

 

MA

[Ladyjane14]

Wow! There are so MANY discrepancies here.

 

I'm sure you feel picked on. But sometimes it's better to slap a hand than hold it. Once you got a few negative responses, the burr was under your saddle and the truth will out!

 

She's not so much an immature 22 year-old, as a STBX "monster". You don't care if she takes it all, but she's trying "to take you to the cleaners". There isn't an OW because you're not "involved" with her, even though as early as last November you wanted "to pursue this girl".

 

I ask you to understand this: People that spend 20 minutes, 40 minutes, or an hour of their lives to respond to a stranger's question, don't do it just to be antagonistic. Not unless their morons anyway.

 

When people 'bust your chops' here, for the most part they are hoping that they will say something that you can use. Even if it's just to get a poster to pull his/her head out of the...ahem...sand, and have a look around.

 

There is no substitute for professional guidance when it comes to divorce. You need to get a lawyer or mediator for that. Support forums are just that, support. Of course support isn't always people telling you what you want to hear. They'll tell you, based on the limited information they possess, what they believe you need to hear.

 

What you need to hear is that you have two agendas that are at cross-purposes, hence your misery and confusion. One, is the agenda where you make yourself happy. Two, is the agenda where everyone is okay with that, (because you really don't want to hurt anybody ). This is why your information is contradictory. You'll need to pick one of those two agendas. You won't have your cake and eat it too in this situation. Somebody's gonna get their feelings hurt.

 

There are two schools of thought among most people. One, is that you live up to your obligations and that you take responsibility for all the people who depend on you, regardless of your own happiness. Two, is that personal happiness IS your responsibility and that you must be true to yourself before all others.

 

I think the truth lies somewhere in-between, but we aren't talking about me...we're talking about you. So, what do you believe?

 

Realistically speaking, and based on what you have posted, you probably didn't give your marriage, and your young family, the chance it deserved. If "immaturity" is the problem with your wife...well, time usually cures that, and at 22 it's too early to say that she'll never change.

 

At 25, you're not the first young man to get bogged down in family-life and have second thoughts either.

 

But that doesn't mean anything if you are firmly set upon your course. Ultimately, you are the only one who knows what you want, and what you can live with.

 

The trick to this becomes setting your course. The confusion goes away once the course is selected. Because THEN you can begin to accept the consequences.

 

Once you've accepted that your STBX will probably hate you for years, if not her entire life, once you've accepted that your daughter may one day want her step-father to walk her down the aisle, you'll be able to put the uncertainty and emotional misery behind you. (These are the type of unsavory things that you have to make peace with. Anybody with half an ounce of sense would be having the same struggle.)

 

Is that an easy thing to do? I doubt it, but that's what keeps alot of people in unhappy marriages....the fact that they can't reach acceptance and declare to themselves and everyone else involved, that it is their own personal happiness which is paramount to them.

 

Is it fair? Probably not. Just a few years ago, while your wife was in high school, she probably didn't have big dreams of being a 22 year-old single mother. When she gave birth to her first child, she probably didn't think that she'd have to be a working mother and deliver her child into daycare each day.

 

On the other hand, she probably wouldn't want you to come to her in 10 or 20 years when her youth was wasted away and say the usual standby phrase: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". If given her druthers, she'd likely agree 'better now than later'. (Particularly if either of you had a clue what "later" really means. )

 

My point is this: You can struggle all you want to try an justify your position...to believe in your heart that you are still a nice guy, while you abandon your young family. It's the struggle that is causing the conflict within you. When you accept yourself and you recognise your agenda and your faults, you will begin to find peace with your decision. You must OWN your flaws and your mistakes in order to reach that acceptance. You can't keep blaming it all off on her. You can't stick your head in the sand. It only leads to more confusion.

 

You may NOT be wrong in deciding to end the marriage. It may, in time, prove to be the smartest decision for everyone concerned.

 

But when you elect to lie to yourself in an effort to justify or rationalize, you will never find the peace that will make that decision okay for you.

 

Tell yourself the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Then go and tell it to everybody else. Then do whatever it is you need to do.

 

Good luck to you.

[caer]

I have a question...

 

Even if you are to walk away...Will you ever honestly be happy? Maybe for a day/week/year,but eventually what you do now is going to have an equal reaction. What might happen,if say, a year from now you've sewn some wild oats and decided that you want your family back? Who's to say,she might tell you to pi** off? Then What???

It may all seem like such a drag right now. Maybe your friends are still out partying and having a good time. But like my father told me..."hey,you're the father now...act like it!!"

 

I've always looked at it like this. Once you ask a woman to marry you and you have kids,there is no more "me,me,me".

[MassiveAtom]

Hmmm,

 

Actually, the "me" part is even MORE important than it was before. If you choose to throw away all that you are, and you ignore your needs as an individual person, you are bound to become enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship with either your spouse or your children. I believe that each of the partners should weigh the other's needs with theirs equally. And work to consensus about the direction the relationship should take.

 

If only one does this it's doomed. if neither does, it's doomed. It's where I think the saying comes from, "It takes two."

 

If you're not able DVOUS, to be one of the two, then you should leave, let her find a man who understands interdependency.You can find what you need.

 

BUt LadyJane is right in her long post. About everything. Which she usually is. So if you read no other post read that one.

 

Take it to heart that you must make a choice about who you are.

[dvous]

Ok, Thank you MA, Thank you LadyJane,

Its funny how I really only wanted someone to help me find the resources to gain some knowledge on what steps to take when initiating a divorce (yes I know get a lawyer/mediator) but there are other ways I hear, with a little less of the law being involved. I am over it, I will figure it out myself.

However, you both helped me see that there was something that I should do, considering that my agenda is for my own good, that I had to somehow make this easier for the ones that it is going to hurt. I let my stbx be as evil as she felt and just listened, I gave her reasons why I am doing this(only constructive criticism), I let her know where I understood things were at my fault, and for a change she listened. She appologized for the way she was acting, and explained that she really wants to move out of state with her brother. Her biggest obstacle is that she knows that my daughter will be better off with me, and feels like she is giving up on her. I want my daughter full time more than anything on this earth, she is my life, my strength to keep pushing to better myself. I am so torn, for my daughters sake I wont do the custody battle thing over her, and yet now I feel like I am giving up too.

[caer]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Hmmm,

 

Actually, the "me" part is even MORE important than it was before. If you choose to throw away all that you are, and you ignore your needs as an individual person, you are bound to become enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship with either your spouse or your children. I believe that each of the partners should weigh the other's needs with theirs equally. And work to consensus about the direction the relationship should take.

 

I agree with you and perhaps what I did was rush to post before reading the other replies to his initial post and learning more about his situation.

 

What I meant when I asked would he ever be truely happy was...that he should take a step back and see who stands to get hurt (meaning his daughter) by his asking for a divorce. I know when my wife asked for our seperation,she did'nt take into account who, besides me, it would hurt, and our son has suffered even though he never saw or heard us speak harshly of eachother.

 

And you're right, it does take 2 to tango and maybe some of his wifes anger or resentment has to do with her knowing of his growing feelings about this seperation/divorce. All I've read from him is about the "angry wicked wife",and I'm one of those types of guys who believes a woman does'nt get angry or wicked without some kind of due cause.

[dvous]

Caer, I used to believe that way as well. Big eye opener in my situation, she actually thinks that she can put in our divorce agreement that I get a vasectomy. Her problem at the moment which she admited is that she is afraid of someone else truely making me happy the way she couldnt, or didnt. I did do this to her, but according to her when she gets into that frame of mind, its out of jealousy, and self persecution for HER mistakes. She has already gone for a full perscription of vicodin, and I had to wrestle her to the ground for them. Called my daughter over to her and looked her in the eye and told her to be good for daddy, that she wouldnt see her again. THAT IS NOT MY F***ING FAULT. I dont care how bad things got for me, I would never look my 4yr old in the eyes and tell her something like that. I am really having a hard time dealing with her, and protecting my daughter from this.

[dvous]

Do you see why I paint that picture of her in that respect? Am I wrong?

[Ladyjane14]

If you are divorcing her, why are you continuing to interact with her?

 

Why not set up a mediator to make the exchange of visitation for your daughter? This will limit opportunities for your child to witness her parents behaving badly.

 

Credible threats of suicide should be responded to by putting in a call to the police. Your wife would then be taken to the emergency room for evaluation.

 

The vicodin script could be halted with one call to the prescribing doctor's office.

 

If, however, divorce is not the plan. You might consider getting her in for counseling. It sounds like she could use some help.

[debilou]

Counseling is in your future. Or it should be. Everything (emotional baggage) you brought to your first marriage will be with you in the second.

 

It's sounds like I might be in your wife's shoes. My husband said all the same things. The list of things I did wrong, etc. Get a clue. No one is perfect. The OW will not MAKEyou happy. You have to make you happy.

 

Life is difficult, Marriage is more difficult. You and you wife should consider counseling. It's one of the best things I've ever done for my family.

 

Your wife will get over you and move on. Right now she's dying inside because you emotionally divorced her once you had the hots for the OW. She probably only knows 2% of the truth of your other life with the OW. If I knew the truth about my STBXH I probably would race to the divorce lawyer. I've been very patient.

 

You have a choice to make about your future. Getting out of one marriage to pursue a relationship with someone else will not "make you happy". It will just complicate your life more.

 

Good luck,

Debilou

[Mr Spock]

Sigh.

 

Do what you WANT. If you don't want to be married to your wife by all means get a divorce. ASAP.

 

This isn't the free legal advice hotline either. Go hire a lawyer.

[dvous]

I guess I had already made the decision to divorce, before meeting the OW btw. No, this isnt a free divorce advise hotline, but it is a forum where one can...Um...talk to other people...Perhaps ask a question or two for willing people to take a shot at answering. Thank god this isnt such a service, cuz you would be fired my friend.

[Mr Spock]

Oh pound sand. You were complaining you couldn't find any online resources for step by step divorce proceedings. If you're serious, go to a lawyer.

 

I think if you're not happy in your marriage you're not happy. And you seem to be fairly clear-I don't think counselling is going to make you change your mind once it's made up. The faster you do this the better for all.

[MassiveAtom]

NOW I get it,

 

Thanks Spock.

 

Dude you just helped put the last nail in the marriage coffin.

 

Thanks again.

 

Hey DVOUS,

 

HAve you gone to an attorney yet?

 

MA

[Mr Spock]

Get what? The guy complains when people dissect his marriage and states wants advice on how to get a divorce, then complains that he wants someone to talk to about "things" when told this isn't a legal advice forum and go to lawyer

 

HIRE A DAMN LAYWER.

[caer]

Originally posted by dvous

She has already gone for a full perscription of vicodin, and I had to wrestle her to the ground for them. Called my daughter over to her and looked her in the eye and told her to be good for daddy, that she wouldnt see her again.

 

There's nothing more on Gods' green earth that pi**es me off more than when one uses the children against the other to get back at them. As far as the vicodin is concerned, LadyJanes advice sounded right on the money...a quick call to the doctor who prescribed them should do the trick.

 

I'll tell you man, there are'nt any ground rules when it comes to divorce/seperation, but the one thing that I told my wife I would'nt stand for was having our only child feel like he was stuck in the middle between 2 battleing parents. So no matter how much I resent her or the way things turned out,when I pick him up and drop him off,it's nothing but, "hey,how are you...I'll make sure I have him back by 7 on sunday night okay!"