Are there other ugly/super insecure women here?

[uglygirl9]

Hi,

I was wondering if there are other women like me. I have been called ugly a lot of times during highschool by all kinds of different boys and I once had a ****buddy who called me ugly as well. This is years ago and I haven't forgotten it, no matter how hard I try. I have been told that I look like a guy by a stranger and I agree.

I have tried, changing my hair a lot of times, experimenting with make-up and skincare, but no matter what I do I don't find myself attractive. I am slim; I am actually super scared of getting overweight because then I would be ugly AND overweight as well.

Now, this would not have been so bad if my personality was great. I mean, guys that go for looks are a bit superficial anyway, aren't they? But my personality isn't that great either. Dumb, unemployed, etc. And because of that I can't get the plastic surgery I long for.

Are there other women in my situation? I feel like such a failure, because I can't imagine why anyone would ever settle for me, it makes me nauseous to only think about it.

Thanks in advance if you reply

 

xxx

Edited April 8, 2014 by uglygirl9

[David87]

Your attitude is wrong, even by looking at your user name.

 

I'm sure that lots of boys will find you attractive, but you haven't found the one just yet.

 

Have patience and start working on your self esteem.

[uglygirl9]

Thanks but what if it isn't my self-esteem and it really are my looks?

Maybe you are right, I sometimes get comments that I am exaggerating, that I'm not that hideous, I even get sometimes comments that I'm pretty from guys. But I either think they are lying to get into my pants, or that they are mentally ill and their heads need to be checked out for having such a warped view. Actually it makes me feel ashamed that they want sex with me because I find myself so disgusting. I can't shake this belief.

[regine_phalange]

Thanks but what if it isn't my self-esteem and it really are my looks?

Maybe you are right, I sometimes get comments that I am exaggerating, that I'm not that hideous, I even get sometimes comments that I'm pretty from guys. But I either think they are lying to get into my pants, or that they are mentally ill and their heads need to be checked out for having such a warped view. Actually it makes me feel ashamed that they want sex with me because I find myself so disgusting. I can't shake this belief.

 

Have you ever thought that you may use your appearance as a false reason to express dissatisfaction with yourself, while the real reason is that you are dissatisfied with deeper things (eg unemployment)?

 

I can think of many "unattractive" women who carry theirselves with such grace and ease, that they end up having a more interesting beauty than a traditional beauty. And their beauty is interesting because no one can explain why they can't get their eyes off of them, as there isn't an obvious reason. Men are not so mazochistic to get in the pants of a woman they don't find attractive!

[Do_The_Herp]

Anybody remember Vertclhrzn? Whatever happened to her? I've always wondered.

 

Anyways, OP, I don't see "you're not THAT hideous" as a nice remark to make. I don't think that anyone would actually say that. I've always considered myself to not be so great looking myself, and people have never called me hideous to my face, even then. You must live around some really crazy, nasty people or something. Or you're really exaggerating some folk's reactions to you, or taking things the wrong way. No way to know for sure through our computer screens.

 

Just continue to live your life and work on yourself. That will always make you more attractive not exactly physically, but as a person in general.

[uglygirl9]

Have you ever thought that you may use your appearance as a false reason to express dissatisfaction with yourself, while the real reason is that you are dissatisfied with deeper things (eg unemployment)?

 

I can think of many "unattractive" women who carry theirselves with such grace and ease, that they end up having a more interesting beauty than a traditional beauty. And their beauty is interesting because no one can explain why they can't get their eyes off of them, as there isn't an obvious reason. Men are not so mazochistic to get in the pants of a woman they don't find attractive!

 

Oh, certainly, and I know deep down that when I would just have a job and independence, I would bother less about my looks and such. But what concerns me is that almost every other, normal and nice woman is either prettier or more intelligent than me or worse, both, and even though I don't automatically assume guys to be superficial, if they have a choice between me and another woman, they go for the other woman of course unless they are really desperate, like old men. But even if they are interested in me I am disgusted by the idea of intimacy , because I think there needs to be something really wrong with them if they want that with me. I put them under a magnifying glass to see what exactly is the matter and then I start to see all the "faults" that I did not see before. It's horrible, I don't want to be this way.

Thanks for your insight.

 

@Do_the_herp: Ok, I exaggerated that bit. It was actually my father who said: 'You are not THAT ugly' (not hideous). But my father has always been kind of awkward. I'm sure he doesn't mean it that way. I still remember though that my father saw a photo of someone's daughter and he said: 'She's so gorgeous! She could be a model! No way she's single!'. It left me with the idea that I was rightfully single because I did not look like that model girl, even though I rationally know it's ridiculous.

I definitely need to work on myself... Thanks for your reply.

Edited April 8, 2014 by uglygirl9

[Do_The_Herp]

Oh, certainly, and I know deep down that when I would just have a job and independence, I would bother less about my looks and such. But what concerns me is that almost every other, normal and nice woman is either prettier or more intelligent than me or worse, both, and even though I don't automatically assume guys to be superficial, if they have a choice between me and another woman, they go for the other woman of course unless they are really desperate, like old men. But even if they are interested in me I am disgusted by the idea of intimacy , because I think there needs to be something really wrong with them if they want that with me. I put them under a magnifying glass to see what exactly is the matter and then I start to see all the "faults" that I did not see before. It's horrible, I don't want to be this way.

Thanks for your insight.

 

@Do_the_herp: Ok, I exaggerated that bit. It was actually my father who said: 'You are not THAT ugly' (not hideous). But my father has always been kind of awkward. I'm sure he doesn't mean it that way. I still remember though that my father saw a photo of someone's daughter and he said: 'She's so gorgeous! She could be a model! No way she's single!'. It left me with the idea that I was rightfully single because I did not look like that model girl, even though I rationally know it's ridiculous.

I definitely need to work on myself... Thanks for your reply.

 

Yes, your father does sound a bit awkward.. I agree, he must've meant well in the moment, but the words came out a bit wrong for whatever reason. Maybe he thought he was tinting it with a corny sense of humor? That sounds like something I'd do, unintentionally rubbing someone the wrong way.

 

& you know what? I've had similar experiences to your "oh, she looks like a model!" thing. But it doesn't mean anything, really. Doesn't say anything about you.. Besides, that's your father. You should already know that he loves you..

 

UNLESS *perhaps* he still has issues stemming from his upbringing. Maybe a sister in his family has made him act strangely toward his daughter? Who knows for sure, except for you.. worst case scenario, I wouldn't let him rule your self esteem, as hard as it may be.. You're going to have to "transcend" a lot of this until you can get out into the world and meet lots of new people who will treat you differently and hopefully slowly change how you view yourself and your own place in the world..

 

Listen, if you'd ever like to talk to me in the future or ask me a question specifically, I'll always be around. It's a bit of a pain that you need to be in the ballpark of like 50 or so odd posts to private message someone, but I'd rather not post an e-mail or anything.

 

You sound like a female version of my past self. I've gotten over a lot of stuff, but am still far from perfect. I'd gladly try to lend you a rational voice to combat all of that self-defeating craziness going on inside of you. As the guru-figure in my life has told me many times.. Simply put, there is nothing wrong with you.

 

I used to think a lot of the same things.. But I'm a lot better now, and I'm getting my life together to have a great job come summer. When you have a job, you can get a car. You most likely already have a phone, no? So once you have a car and a phone.. You should be able to go out regularly and meet people. I'm sure you can even start this before all of that, but it just makes life easier for you in the end, to travel and communicate.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Do_The_Herp

[mikefromtheblock]

Hi,

I was wondering if there are other women like me. I have been called ugly a lot of times during highschool by all kinds of different boys and I once had a ****buddy who called me ugly as well. This is years ago and I haven't forgotten it, no matter how hard I try. I have been told that I look like a guy by a stranger and I agree.

I have tried, changing my hair a lot of times, experimenting with make-up and skincare, but no matter what I do I don't find myself attractive. I am slim; I am actually super scared of getting overweight because then I would be ugly AND overweight as well.

Now, this would not have been so bad if my personality was great. I mean, guys that go for looks are a bit superficial anyway, aren't they? But my personality isn't that great either. Dumb, unemployed, etc. And because of that I can't get the plastic surgery I long for.

Are there other women in my situation? I feel like such a failure, because I can't imagine why anyone would ever settle for me, it makes me nauseous to only think about it.

Thanks in advance if you reply

 

xxx

 

Wow. Yes you're ugly and dumb and broke ONLY if YOU think so. It is natural and unfortunately DUMB to look at yourself in such way.

 

If I tell you: "close your eyes and think RED RED RED - when you open your eyes look for RED". What color do you think will pop-out first when you open your eyes?

 

We see what we WANT to see.

 

If you want to see yourself as a human being, born on this planet for one reason ONLY and that is being happy, you will be one happy human being no matter how you look or how much money you make.

 

Set yourself goals what you want to be AND what kind of relationships you want to have. Describe it EXACTLY as you wish you it to be. Goals work. Law of attraction work. Money is there. Guys who will like YOU are there.

 

There is someone RIGHT NOW, walking on the face of this earth, who will love you till the end of time and the only thing you need to do is MEET him. Write it down and stick on your fridge if absolutely need to.

 

And stop moaning.

 

Yes, there are different people. One we find handsome, others - not so much.

Yes, there are people with more income. There will always be someone better looking, with more money, smarter etc. Don't compare yourself to others. That will kill you.

 

Beat your own records.

Edited April 8, 2014 by mikefromtheblock

[d0nnivain]

I too thought I was ugly in high school. I was skinny & wore glasses. If a boy so much as looked at me I wanted to dive under a desk or into my locker.

 

 

I grew up & grew out of it. I got contacts. I started to realize smart was sexy & I reinvented myself in college.

 

 

If you are unemployed, get a job. Do anything to make money. As you get a few bucks, take some classes so you feel less dumb. Go to trade school if book learning isn't your thing.

 

 

Once you get some health insurance get some therapy. You do have a self esteem problem. It needs to be fixed before you can get an objective picture of yourself that is probably more accurate then the distorted image you have.

 

 

For now, start reading . . . not the crap you can find on the internet but books. Get a library card. They are free. Read the classics. Read some self help books. Read some history. MIT I think has some on line not for credit classes you can follow along with; I bet other schools have similar programs.

 

 

As you start to feel better about yourself things will improve over all. Who knows you may even end up with a job that enables you to get the plastic surgery you want or better yet, you will figure out you don't need it.

[uglygirl9]

I don't know, but yeah, like you said, he's my father, not a potential love interest, so his opinion really shouldn't matter. I don't know, he has a sister, but I don't think he has many problems with women overall... he isn't the misogynistic sort, thankfully.

 

Haha, I'm glad you had a guru yourself and for you, it turned out well. Thanks for your offer. I'm interested in your story so if I have 50 posts here I'll message you.

[Do_The_Herp]

As you start to feel better about yourself things will improve over all. Who knows you may even end up with a job that enables you to get the plastic surgery you want or better yet, you will figure out you don't need it.

 

Aside from this part, I agree completely with your post. No one ever needs something as drastic as plastic surgery, and OP hasn't mentioned that, so I think it best if we tried to not fill her already clouded mind with any crazy ideas.

[almond]

You could really benefit from some therapy to work on all of this. Your looks are not the root cause of your unhappiness...something is seriously holding you back in life. Please speak to a professional, and work towards getting to the bottom of this, so that you can life a healthy, happy and productive life.

[topaMAXX]

Hi,

I was wondering if there are other women like me. I have been called ugly a lot of times during highschool by all kinds of different boys and I once had a ****buddy who called me ugly as well. This is years ago and I haven't forgotten it, no matter how hard I try. I have been told that I look like a guy by a stranger and I agree.

I have tried, changing my hair a lot of times, experimenting with make-up and skincare, but no matter what I do I don't find myself attractive. I am slim; I am actually super scared of getting overweight because then I would be ugly AND overweight as well.

Now, this would not have been so bad if my personality was great. I mean, guys that go for looks are a bit superficial anyway, aren't they? But my personality isn't that great either. Dumb, unemployed, etc. And because of that I can't get the plastic surgery I long for.

Are there other women in my situation? I feel like such a failure, because I can't imagine why anyone would ever settle for me, it makes me nauseous to only think about it.

Thanks in advance if you reply

 

xxx

 

I disagree with the posters here. Ugly is ugly. If you are objectively ugly, then you are ugly. Just the way it is.

 

However, you are a woman. If you were a short, ugly, shy man, I'd say you're in trouble. But because you're a woman, you should have no trouble getting guys.

 

Have you tried online dating? Plenty of ugly women that I know get tons of dates from there.

[uglygirl9]

@mikefromtheblock: I've already tried to ignore my thoughts countless times, they just came back everytime. But yeah, I will stop moaning about them for you, ok?

 

@d0nnivain: I am already doing all that stuff, except for that I am still unemployed (you don't just "get" a job, they need to be available at least), but I have to continue with it I guess. I still think you are a typical pretty girl, just one with glasses, and skinny isn't exactly a bad thing for a woman. Just my opinion.

[Gaeta]

So make a change, you are the only one responsible for your life and happiness.

 

Your jobless: Find a job

 

Your education less: go back to school

 

You lack personality: Join groups, expose yourself to new experiences, take up hobbies so you have things to talk about and makes you interesting, read, expend and open your mind.

 

Look is only skin deep. If Tori Spelling can find a husband, than any woman can.

[uglygirl9]

@Almond: I will try that, thanks

 

@topaMAXXX: thanks for being honest here. Yeah I've tried online dating, that was where the older men came from, IRL nobody approaches me.

 

@Gaeta: Actually even Tori Spelling is prettier than me. But you are right with the other points.

[martaldn]

I used to be ugly when i was teenager/early 20th. I was wearing glasses ( very thick lenses ) and had acne.

I was bullied at school so much. they used to call me 4 eyes or lanterns i remember i got upset so much and hated them for being so cruel. I am coming from a countryside place where kids can be very ignorant and nasty.

I suffered a lot but then things have changed..i have made them changed though. I have lost weight and sorted my acne out - had a eyes laser and start to gain confidence and became stronger.

I still think i have some confidence issue but I have reached the point I dont give a ****e about what people think. I still have some acne scars but who cares? my friends think I am a brilliant person and all the people back to my village cant believe how much i have changed during the time.

U need to work on your confidence but also try to accept yourself for the way you are.. or at least for the things U cant change.

try to start to highlight your quality rather than your flaws for example..

everybody is beautiful in their own way

[d0nnivain]

Aside from this part, I agree completely with your post. No one ever needs something as drastic as plastic surgery, and OP hasn't mentioned that, so I think it best if we tried to not fill her already clouded mind with any crazy ideas.

 

 

Actually the OP did mention plastic surgery. She said she can't get it because she doesn't have a job.

 

 

While I don't think it's probably as necessary as she does, if it would truly make them feel better I would never discourage somebody from talking to a plastic surgeon. A good doctor will be objective. I spoke to one about 10 years ago who discouraged me from having work done. So they aren't all money hungry jerks. Moreover if it's something removing a mole or another relatively "simple" change it's not that terrible. Getting complete facial reconstruction so you look like that fake Barbie lady, well, that is just wrong.

[uglygirl9]

I used to be ugly when i was teenager/early 20th. I was wearing glasses ( very thick lenses ) and had acne.

I was bullied at school so much. they used to call me 4 eyes or lanterns i remember i got upset so much and hated them for being so cruel. I am coming from a countryside place where kids can be very ignorant and nasty.

I suffered a lot but then things have changed..i have made them changed though. I have lost weight and sorted my acne out - had a eyes laser and start to gain confidence and became stronger.

I still think i have some confidence issue but I have reached the point I dont give a ****e about what people think. I still have some acne scars but who cares? my friends think I am a brilliant person and all the people back to my village cant believe how much i have changed during the time.

U need to work on your confidence but also try to accept yourself for the way you are.. or at least for the things U cant change.

try to start to highlight your quality rather than your flaws for example..

everybody is beautiful in their own way

thanks for your honest story but for me it isn't as simple as acne or glasses... my teenage acne is long gone and I never had glasses. I just have an ugly face shape. I look different from everybody else. I am super ashamed of what I look like.

And yeah, I already talked to my GP about wanting a total makeover and if it would be covered by my insurance... he saw nothing out of the ordinary, but I bet he would think Tori Spelling was normal-looking too while everyone thinks she's ugly. Same for me. I currently don't have money for an appointment with a plastic surgeon but I already thought about it, just to get their opinion - and I will definitely do it when I have the money.

[d0nnivain]

And yeah, I already talked to my GP about wanting a total makeover and if it would be covered by my insurance... he saw nothing out of the ordinary, but I bet he would think Tori Spelling was normal-looking too while everyone thinks she's ugly. Same for me. I currently don't have money for an appointment with a plastic surgeon but I already thought about it, just to get their opinion - and I will definitely do it when I have the money.

 

 

STOP! Save your money. Reconstructing your entire face is NOT going to fix your problem. Your problem isn't on the outside (your face shape). It's on the inside. You have internalized the nasty things people said, especially your father, & that is why you can't see yourself clearly.

 

 

Growing up my parents continually told me I'm stupid & not good enough. I graduated from a prestigious university near the top of my class & at the top from graduate school. I have a degree most people envy & the respect of my peers but I have been in therapy for years because I continue to believe I'm stupid & unworthy.

 

 

You and I have the same problem with a bit of a different "flavor."

 

 

Please, please, please, before you go under the knife, try cognitive behavior therapy. It will give you so much more peace & happiness then plastic surgery & it will be cheaper. Plus there are no risks from anesthesia.

 

 

For now, do what I suggested in my 1st response to you: get a job & read.

[Do_The_Herp]

I disagree with the posters here. Ugly is ugly. If you are objectively ugly, then you are ugly. Just the way it is.

 

However, you are a woman. If you were a short, ugly, shy man, I'd say you're in trouble. But because you're a woman, you should have no trouble getting guys.

 

Have you tried online dating? Plenty of ugly women that I know get tons of dates from there.

 

Well, here you go, OP. If you were looking for us to rip you a new one, this is as close (and as ugly) as it's likely to get.

 

Anyways, I wouldn't take this guy's posts to heart, because I would imagine that his reality is a bit different from yours or mine.

[amaysngrace]

The lower your self esteem the uglier you think you are.

 

It's the way the mind works unfortunately.

 

Figure out why your self-esteem is suffering and address the underlying issues. Low self esteem is often a reaction and not the cause.

 

Hopefully in time you will learn self-love instead of self-loathing. Read books, get professional help, do anything within your power to change your opinion of yourself.

 

You are the one person that you will be spending 100% of your time with. You should at least try to learn to like yourself...

[uglygirl9]

@d0nnivain: No matter how I wish for this to be true... People aren't saying 'Tori Spelling has internalized things people said'. No! They agree with those people with malicious pleasure. Actually I am glad one of the posters mentioned her, because I look a lot like Tori except even slightly uglier.

No, I don't think you and I have the same problem in another flavor. I think I have both flavors of your problem, except for the fact that you are in fact intelligent and just have a low self-esteem. Don't think people haven't called me an imbecile either. Not my parents this time, but so-called 'professionals'. At least you have an objective fact that proves your delusional beliefs are wrong. And if you had read, you knew that I already read. Only thing you are right with is the job thing, but when you don't believe you are worth anything because this is backed up by FACTS not beliefs then -guess what!- you aren't exactly good at applying for jobs, either.

 

@Do_The_herp: I'm sorry. Wasn't saying that person gave a more valuable reply than you, more that his was more believable.

 

@amaysngrace: I really hope you're right and when I get more self-esteem I suddenly transform into a supermodel. But even when you aren't I still need to work on it, that's right. Thanks for your reply.

[Babolat]

Your attitude is wrong, even by looking at your user name.

 

I'm sure that lots of boys will find you attractive, but you haven't found the one just yet.

 

Have patience and start working on your self esteem.

 

I agree. I have dated the beautiful "looker" types, and after a while I actually found them physically unattractive because of their personality and/or other things that started to bug me.

 

Yes, you are right, looks matter, and it's usually the first thing we see in a person. It's what comes out of their mouth next, and their actions and behaviours that then start to factor in.

 

There was a woman I tried to date last fall. I found her beautiful. By other mens standards she may have been plain, simple looking. I got tired of her talking about her looks in a negative way, including her body. She was alos a negative, pessimistic person. It became, unattractive to me after a while.

 

I'll add, the model beauty types I have dated, they too have confidence issues with their looks. My ex gf, when I would compliment her on her body, her looks, tell her she is beautiful, she would say "Really?" like she did not believe it. She got a lot of male attention, too. The current woman I I have been on a few dates with. I recently told her I was very attracted to her, and she too said "Really?". This is a woman who was a dancer/cheerleader for her college football and basketball teams. She said she got a lot of attention, but deep down I can tell, she too is a bit insecure about her looks.

 

I think ther Replies here are spot on. Do some self work. Change things you don't like. Accept compliments. Yes, your dad sounds awkward and I am sure he means well. He is your dad and despite what you say you do put a lot of value in his opinion. In this case though, you probably should not.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Babolat

[mikefromtheblock]

@mikefromtheblock: I've already tried to ignore my thoughts countless times, they just came back everytime. But yeah, I will stop moaning about them for you, ok?

 

 

You don't IGNORE them.

 

Knowing where you are is the first step towards where you want to be.

 

Admit the truth about your situation. Identify what you CAN change and CHANGE it. Identify what you CANNOT change and CHANGE your attitude to it.

 

You need to realize what you can change and what is given.

 

You cannot change the world economy, however you can adapt to it and become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

From what you said - perhaps plastic surgery (as BS as it sounds) would help you in relationship, but you cannot afford it.

 

If you utterly believe a surgery will help you create a relationship or get more attention and if you truly want that, then make a plan how you would be able to afford it.

 

The defining factor is never resources, but resourcefulness.