I'm hurt, I would like to forget about it, a complex story with an evil ex. Help.

[abitbrokenme]

I don't know how to get over my problem and I just found this forum and thought "why not?". Here's a brief summary.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We live together since December 1st. I've moved to his city and we found an appartment together. I've met him online and we started by exchanging emails and chatting for a couple of weeks in July. On July 30, we decided to meet a couple of days later. He was insisting a lot to meet me and afterwards, he told me he already liked me a lot before even meeting me.

 

Before me, he had been dating a girl (I call her Beetlejuice) for 4 years, on and off. The relationship was bumpy and he was quite miserable with it. I was uncomfortable that there hadn't been much time between her and me (I first thought about three months) and I was scared it was just a "rebound" relationship he was looking for. But he's a very serious and sincere man and I trusted him. He told me he was sincerely in love with me and proved it a lot of different times. BUT Beetlejuice was a lot around in August/September, like she was coming to his place at midnight, completely drunk, or calling him to talk or asking to do joined presents with him for birthdays (almost all their friends are common since they were in HS together), etc. I didn't like it a bit and always said she was trying to get him back. Especially since she had already successfully broken other couples he had trying to started during their break-ups. And he was saying things like "no, she understood it was for good this time" (they broke up dozens of times before), "she's just looking for a friend", "she has a boyfriend, so don't worry", etc. He's also linked to Beetlejuice because he's the godfather of one of her cousin. So, she also has that power over him.

 

I went to parties where she was there (I hated each minutes of it) and she kept looking at him, trying to get his attention, etc. I HATED her. And I kept finding stuff about her everywhere in our place, like photos he didn't put away (that he forgot about), letters and whatever else. My boyfriend isn't the most neat guy, so he didn't even know they were there.

 

Anyway, I felt more and more anxious about her and the start of our relationship. I knew he had seen her on August 1st and that they had cleaned their cars together (he was cleaning his to meet me) and I didn't trust her one sec". So I kept trying to know what had happened. Especially since I had found a letter of mid-july from her that I read (yeah, I know, it's bad and I confessed it to my bf afterwards) and she told in the letter they had "f*cked" in July. Using that term. And it was making me sick but I was telling myself that we didn't know each other before mid-july, so that he couldn't guess.

 

I kept probing and a couple of days ago, he confessed me things. How his relationship with Beetlejuice had become, how he was feeling trapped with her and that he was feeling like no one else would want him, how they had f*cked in July (no way... heh) and that it was making him sick, that he hated it and her and that he felt weak. Okay, so I thought, wew, he told me, now we can get over it. Except that his confessions weren't over. He told me that on August 1, she came over to clean her car because she had had a fight with her parents. And they ended up "masturbating each other" (he TOLD ME that!) and how sick and ashamed he felt about it. And how he regretted it. That he felt like a monster or some sexual pervert because he didn't resist, etc.

 

The thing is, on August 1, he knew we were meeting two days later. He had already feelings for me.

 

I felt so lost and betrayed when he told me that. And so sick because of the details of what he did. I think he just wanted it off his chest because he was feeling guilty and didn't think about my feelings.

 

And I was thinking "she had a boyfriend at that time and he knew about it. And he used it as a proof she wouldn't try to get him back when he KNEW it wasn't proving anything". And I was also thinking about the times I found myself in front of her and.... wow, it's tough.

 

My boyfriend is sincerely feeling awful about it and beating himself up. And I love him. We love each other sincerely. I don't want to lose him and I know it's hurting him and that he regrets it deeply. That he doesn't know what to do to fix it.

 

So I didn't want to make him feel even worse and I decided after a lot of tears and talks that we wouldn't talk about it anymore, that we'd try to forget and keep going on. Except I can't forget about it and I don't know what to do. How could things could get better? Does anyone know? Do you think I'm maybe overreacting? I don't know what to think/ do anymore.

[chica]

I don't believe you are overreacting. Some may say you are because you guys hadn't met when they mutually-masterbated etc, but the fact is that she is still a part of his life and as a result, your life and you have strong emotions about having to deal with her and the situation.

 

They have history together, mutual friends and a bond that you can't penetrate. It's hard. I think your boyfriend sounds sincere about feeling bad about what about happened - it sounds as though he feels disempowered by her.

 

I got to a similar stage with an ex once - and talked him into sleeping with me despite knowing he had a new gf. That experience goes down in history as one of my weakest and most pathetic moments ever. If I ever think of it, I still squirm inside and it was many years ago now

 

So I didn't want to make him feel even worse and I decided after a lot of tears and talks that we wouldn't talk about it anymore, that we'd try to forget and keep going on. Except I can't forget about it and I don't know what to do.

 

I don't think you should feel an emphasis on NOT talking about it. Yes - you both want to move forward now, but if you still have questions you need answered or things you would like to express with your partner...you should. Bottling those negative emotions up could be more damaging to the relationship long-term than the pain of working through it together.

 

I don't want to lose him and I know it's hurting him and that he regrets it deeply. That he doesn't know what to do to fix it.

 

It's important for you guys to support one another through this - let him know that you are there for him and don't judge his actions, and tell him what you need to feel happier. More time togeher? Maybe a weekend away?

 

How do things stand with her now? Are they going to maintain a friendship? Surely you'll be in social situations where you have to share the same space? How do you think you'll cope with that?

 

If you believe your bf about his feelings and past events and love and trust him, I think you'll move forward from this faster than you think. It will get better, hang in there.

[very-confused-girl]

Hello!

 

I was/am in a little bit similar situations but Peter (my boyfriend) has been in relationship with this girl (Kate) for 8 years, they are already 5 years apart! And he had about 5 relationships since they have broken up, I am the fifth relationship. The more apart they are from each other, the longer is the time they are only friends, the more she is afraid of "losing" him completely. And especially now with Peter being with me, because we have very beautiful serious relationship and she can feel. In her case it is not so much about that she wants him back, but if she is not happy with her current relationship, she does not want Peter to be happy too. She holds him still even nowadays completely responsible for her happiness.

 

But unlike beetlejuice Kate is quite sweet innocent girl, they havent had sex together since they have broken up. And the "only" thing she did to us was, that twice during my year and a half lasting relationship with Peter, she came to his place while I was there without any reason, only crying and abviously trying to get attention.

 

I got very angry therefore I know how you feel. I admire your calmness because your situation is probably way worse than mine, but still it was so hard for me to deel with Kate, that I was threatening Peter that I was gonna leave him if she was coming again. I had zero problem with them being friends - as they know each other for such a long time and are like brothers and sisters - but once she was coming to his place I took it as she was invading our relationship, therefore she was doing something harmful to me as well and I insisted on him to stop talking to her. He didnt do it, said that I gave him enough signs and he is going to do such things to make me feel comfortable, but I shouldnt be pushing him to do stuff.

 

Yeah, it is not good to be pushing other people to do stuff but your situation is quite different. You obviously feel very threatened by Beetlejucie especially because she is a slut (sorry , I couldnt help myself) and obviously wants your boyfriends for herself. And on the top of all they are quite fresh in breakin up with each other.

 

The things is that they masturbated each other before you two were together. The key here is whats their relationship like RIGHTNOW, once you and him are together. Do they see each other, talk to each other, etc? If this makes you uncomfortable then tell him he should stop seeing her. Her intentions are definitely evil and very selfish and you have right to feel threaten by her.

 

Especially if she has power over him there still could be a danger she could seduce him to do something even now. If he is still a bit "trapped", you have to get her out of his head, somehow. Maybe Im a bit tricky, but I can tell you what works with me. Girls can wrap guys around their fingers especially by giving them good loving if you know what I mean They probably had very wild sex and that was what made him to be sorta dependent on her.

 

You have to change it, you have to f**k her OUT OF HIS HEAD so to speak. Make him a little bit more INTO YOU. Make him crave for you, want you, wrap him a bit around your finger. Thats one way how can you make sure that his thoughts are going to be dedicated to you . Trust me, sex could be a good weapon as well.

 

But of course you should still talk to him and get stuff out of your chest, but you have to show him you are not willing to put up with crap and you are not a doormat. Mention to him your values and believes in relationship.

[emopunk]

Once more I say, exes are only bad news. For everyone.

 

Your boyfriend has a singular choice to make. Evidently, he cannot resist her. It's happened twice. And nothing has changed since then. Sure he feels bad about it, most people would, but the fact is, that even after everything that went on, she's still around.

 

His choice is simple. He can't be around her. Period. And if that means relinquishing the title of godfather, distancing from friends, distancing from family... then that's what has to be done. If he loves you, then this is how it has to happen. Contact with her cannot continue. There is no other choice.

 

I'm not approaching this as someone who has no point of reference. I know very well how this works. While I was able to resist the temptation... that success came at a price. Friends, ties with family, blocking phone numbers... all of it went down that way. Perhaps unfortunate to some, it was the only way it could happen, and I'm okay with that. I haven't looked back. I feel no regret other than the wasted time, but even that had a purpose.

 

I do not envy your position, I know how it angered my fiance'. But seriously, there is only one choice he can make. Otherwise, there is only once choice you can make.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree that he needs to break off any contact with her out of respect for you. If he balks at that tell him you will walk, and mean it. She is way too intwined in his life and he needs to make a fresh break.

 

The fact that they masturbated each other before he met you really shouldn't bother you. He's a guy- and he hadn't really met you in person yet. He was probably thinking- what if there is no chemistry in person. That had nothing to do with you really.

 

He hasn't cheated according to what you're saying so I say trust him.

 

By the way, see my jealous for the first time post- I could use some support.

[emopunk]

Umm... just pointing at that August follows July. So if they started dating mid-July, then the event in August actually was cheating. And how I interpreted what was said, he slept with her after they were dating... Might be wrong on that second part though.

[sweetpea01]

Originally posted by emopunk

Umm... just pointing at that August follows July. So if they started dating mid-July, then the event in August actually was cheating. And how I interpreted what was said, he slept with her after they were dating... Might be wrong on that second part though.

 

Yea, I think you are right. I think what she meant, was that he was supposed to meet up with her 2 days later. But they were already dating.

[JoL]

You need to tell your boyfriend the ONLY way you will ever feel ok about being with him is if he stops contact with this..girl (i was tempted to call her a thing).

 

It is NOT cool what she is doing..and it is NOT cool what he told you.

 

If things keep going like this my dear, they will end up f*cking again, as you said they already had.

 

If you can get over what happened with this girl and your bf, demand he stops seeing her. If you have to see in social situations, then fine. But there is NO REASON for them to be hanging out together..AT ALL.

[abitbrokenme]

Thanks for all your input. It helped me to have others' points of view. My boyfriend read this thread with me and we talked about it some more. He promised me he wouldn't see her again and that he'd put away all the stuff reminding of her we have in our appartment. With time, I'll hopefully forget and we'll be able to keep building a strong relationship.

 

Thanks again.