Ex has contacted me after 4 months NC. Interpretations needed :-)

[TequilaSunrise]

Hey everyone

 

This is my first post on this Board. I just would appreciate some independent interpretation of my exes behaviour.

 

It was a 5 year relationship. She broke up with me about 4 months ago. I did the stupid thing by pleading, begging etc which drove her away further. She said she wanted space to find her independence for a month. I gave her the month, but found out shortly after that she was seeing someone else. So I broke off all contact completely. I figured no point moping around so got straight back into the dating scene and 3 months later met up and am getting serious with another girl.

 

About a 1 1/2 weeks ago a friend of hers contacted me and wanted to meet up. I had met the guy a few times so he was no more than an acquaintance. However, he is a nice enough chap, so we had lunch and chatted small talk. I didn't mention the ex and neither did he.

 

A few days ago there were several phone calls on my home number in succession. I didn't pick up as I was going out.

 

The next day I received a call from my ex on my mobile phone. She said she was the one calling me the previous day.

 

She proceeded to tell me that she was 100% responsible for the problems of the relationship (which isn't true). Her voice was cracking and she went on for probably 30 minutes about all the bad things she had done to me (not cheating or anything). She also mentioned all the good things I had done for her. She mentioned my lunch with the friend and based on what she said it was obvious that he had told her what I had been up to (I didn't mention to him that I was in another relationship though).

 

Later in the day she sent me an email thanking me for listening to her.

 

There was no suggestion in either the telephone call or the email that there would be future contact.

 

I am guessing that the friend was kind of a scout to see whether I still had any interest. When he reported back that I didn't mention her at all, it threw her into a bit of a panic as she still retains some interest in getting back together. Hence the declarations that she was 100% wrong and how nice I was to her. I am not saying that either is particularly true. Also, I can't even remember her telephone numbers as I no longer had a need to remember them as I let go completely. I think she remembered mine as she never let go completely. I suspect that the new relationship had failed and she realised that the grass was not so green on the other side of the fence and is now looking at our relationship in a new light. Hence she is opening up contact again to see where things sit. Although she didn't hint at any future contact and I doubt that there will be for a few months (as she won't want to come across as too eager), I am guessing in a month or two she will call again.

 

I am just curious whether other people see it the same way. I am in the enviable position of not really caring of the outcome as I am in another relationship anyway. However, my interest was piqued just because it was an unforseen turn of events.

 

Thanks in anticipation of any advice.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hi Tequilasunrise,

 

Greetings from across the border

 

Well, if you look at some of the other threads here, you'll discover plenty of stories like this. Dumper thinks grass will be greener elsewhere, discovers it's not, wants to come back. I've experienced "dumper's regret" myself, from both sides - as dumpee and dumper. Here's a thread from a female dumper's point of view:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55358

 

Your ex definitely sounds like she is trying to get back. Question is: are *you* interested? If you are, the hot tip is to play it cool.

 

A few years back, I had this happen to me. Call 3 months after my girlfriend had dumped me. I have to confess I took a slightly naughty satisfaction in saying how happy I was with my new love.... the new girlfriend even said a friendly "hi" on the phone to the ex. The ex did her best to be polite and friendly, but you could hear the grinding and nashing of teeth even 5 metres away from the phone

[moon]

Tequila Sunrise,

 

Yours is a classic tale. Your ex felt confused, got out of the relationship, yet imagined you waiting by the phone for her to call all those months. She probably even thought she had no competition what-so-ever. Then she sends her "scout" to find out if you are ripe for another try and realizes that after your break up you actually moved on. What a shocker!

 

Does your ex still see somebody else? What happens next is anybodies guess. You have the option of pursuing your ex and trying to get back together. You have the option of staying with your current girlfriend. You have the option of breaking up with your current girlfriend and being single for a while until you really get over your ex.

 

It does sound like your ex may miss you some. I guess you have to decide what you are willing to give and at the same time figure out what your ex is willing to give. It is that hard and difficult relationship dance. Your relationship together was quite long. I might just hang back and let your ex make her moves........but hello you have a girlfriend now----rebound relationship that it probably is. You might have a little talk with your rebound relationship and give her the speech about how it's not her it's you and that you need some time to think. Give her the URL to this website.............We'll try to help her through too.

 

Good luck. I'm not judging you at all. If I really loved an ex I would probably go back to them too. But handle the matter with care and try not to get hurt again.

[TequilaSunrise]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I am not sure whether a second chance would work in our instance in any event. I wouldn't want to go back just for familiarity reasons. And it wouldn't work out long term if she was only going back because she is now lonely.

 

As the saying goes "A bird in the hand.....". I like my current gf . It is too early to say how it will work out long term. But i would have exactly the same issue if I got back with the ex - I wouldn't know if there was any possibility of it working out long term. I suspect the majority of second chances fail.

 

So I think I will stay with what I have, rather than what was.

 

Its just nice to have options .

[ReluctantRomeo]

It *is* nice to have options. And very flattering.

 

You're doing the gentlemanly thing though. And the wise thing - your new girlfriend statistically stands a better chance of being devoted and sticking with you.