Update on My Situation, and Thanks to All of You

[nohardfelines]

First off, I want to thank all of you for your support. I'm truly glad I found this place, as it's been a place to not only vent, but also to garner some really great insights into my situation. Best of all, it's a place where people can commiserate with me, which can mean all the difference in these situations. Again, Thanks.

 

We met with a mediator last Friday night. It went about as well as could be expected. She got a little pissy at a couple of moments when I clarified some things about how long I would pay her medical insurance, but otherwise it was cordial. She left without a word (we drove separate cars) and that was that. I got the first draft of the agreement this morning, and it seems pretty much the way I wanted it to be. The only thing I was specifically vehement about making sure there was language about was a 4 hour drive limit from my home. It opens up a lot of room for her to find a job in, so I think i'm being extraordinarily generous here while maintaining the ability to spend weekends with the kids.

 

Support remains to be calculated, since she still hasn't found a job and we're living in the same home. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I think we're on the same page. She knows that i'll bring up her affair if she ever uses the term 'spousal support,' so she's stated that she will not be seeking it. Good enough. I'll take care of my kids, he can take care of my wife.

 

Oddly enough, now that mediation is past, things have been better than they have been in a couple of months. We're friendly to each other, to the point of actually laughing and having actual conversations again. The other day she wanted me to look at something she was reading and I came up behind her and put my hand on her back without thinking...it was the first physical contact she and I have had since around...I dunno...February 25th I think. I noticed it instantly, and it hurt to pull my hand back.

 

We've already started (maybe unconsciously, maybe not) moving into the "Sunday and Monday are the days Daddy takes us places" mode, which i'm really enjoying. I've been spending more quality time with the kids since this started, possibly because I know that my time is about to be restricted, possibly because I need them now more than ever. It's been great.

 

I can tell there's a weight off of her shoulders, I think it took us actually sitting down with a mediator to convince her that i'm not just going to fall down and beg her to stay. I think she's finally accepted that i'm no longer interested in continuing the marriage. It also helps that we haven't had any actual conversations about her OM and the things that she's done, but seeing as how I can't ask for another divorce, I don't see much point in pursuing it. As a wife, I don't trust her one bit. As a mother, I trust her to the ends of the Earth. I know that I can rely on her judgement if and when she decides to expose the kids to this guy. So there's that, at least.

 

As for me, I have good days (few) and bad (many). Most nights I lay awake and think about one of two things: What I can do to convince her to stay, and the things that she did with him. Neither one is productive. Sometimes I write long letters to her (on advise of therapist) and save them somewhere only I have access to. It helps. Not much, but it helps.

 

I know that i'm not over her, and that I won't be for a long time, but I think i'm finally starting to feel real progress. Too often earlier in the year I would be desperate to see her or hear her voice, I would find excuses just to be in the same room as her. Now i'm actually enjoying leaving the house with nothing other than "i'll be back around X" and doing things for myself again. It's liberating. I've been happy to cede any and all household decisions to her for almost a decade, so it's really kind of weird and fun to decide I don't want what she's cooking for dinner and heading out for pizza and a beer with a friend or my boss.

 

I don't know where i'll be emotionally a month from now or ten minutes from now, but right now i'm okay. Not great, not bad, just okay.

 

I'll take it.

 

 

 

NHF

[Movingforward2]

In the same situation.....very therapeutic to post on this site. Almost like journaling. My issue is that my XW and I are "too close"....We see each other every day with the kids, and arguments do not come up unless she is rehashing the past, or I say something about getting back together, because we do more together than most divorcees. Matter of fact anyone that has not seen us in awhile would not even know that we are divorced. It's not something I like discussing, and got it over with quickly, probably losing out on some stuff I could have fought over. We basically agreed on everything and were divorced in less than 100 days. Some days I really can't believe it......I really can't. It's springtime, and I know that we have spent every spring and summer together for 10 years going to kid's games, playing outside, on vacation, etc.

 

I didn't want the "D", but now that I'm past it, it was in the best interest of everyone including my kids to either end that part of our lives, or possibly restart it at some point. We just finished a vacation together (weird I know) at the beach with our youngest daughter and it was such a great time.....I got a taste of it again, but when you get back...nothing. We even split the cost of the trip, etc. So many memories that are flushed down the drain, it hurts that we can't enjoy together.

 

I taught my youngest how to ride a bike this weekend at my place, and was just thinking....can't believe my XW can watch this video and not think "WTF have I done"......

 

My oldest has prom this weekend. I can't imagine us taking seperate pictures, but that's what we do now.

 

I think my XW is depressed to a point she doesn't know what she wants. She wants "happiness", but is looking everywhere to find it. I have always had a lot of confidence...this hurt for several months, but I'm starting to come out of it. I can tell she is struggling confidence-wise, financially, and emotionally. We go through stages of texting, and telling each other how it's going. It's just weird....really is. My counselor told me he has never seen 2 people that just can't break away from each other.

 

Divorce has been bad and good........Would I want my family together? Sure. It takes 2. She doesn't want it bad enough to try again, and most likely never will. I don't need a woman, but enjoy the companionship. I think it's normal. I've gotten back on my feet slowly, and am gaining back more confidence each day.

 

I wouldn't say I'm "over her" either.......and won't be for awhile. I just try to remind myself there isn't anything I can do about it, and it's out of my control.

[M30USA]

More power to you. I'm glad your mediation went as well as expected. My ex-wife abruptly ended our mediation with a "meltdown", as the mediator described it. I didn't see it because we were in separate rooms but I had seen plenty of them before so I didn't need to. She just walked out. The next step in her plan is where she took it to court and accused me of child abuse. Today, after over a year, I'm glad to say I have joint custody of my kids and we've settled into a healthy routine. For the sake of my kids, I wish my ex the best.

[No Limit]

You're on the right track. Heads up, summer's coming.