Is this secret much better at staying at a secret?

[nugget_718]

My LDR SO and I are having a difficulty in nearly a year. At the onset of our relationship struggle, I found out that I had a miscarriage. This came as a total shock because 2 months earlier, I had (for the 1st time) tried the Depo-Provera so I know that I was protected. But during that time also, I had a medical scare and was under a lot of stress hence me getting sick and was prescribed some antibiotics. My OB deduce that with me nearing the next round of shot and me taking antibiotics, the depo might have lost some of it's potency which is why I got pregnant. Since we were having difficulty, I thought to keep this piece of information from my bf because I don't want this to influence our current predicament at that time. It was pure hell going through it myself but I tell you, the most gut-wrenching part of it is my decision of not telling him because I remember one time in one of our many talks I have related a scenario to him regarding one of my best friends situation. She was going through a tough time in her marriage and had a miscarriage as well. She also was not aware that she's pregnant and due to the current situation of her marriage she decided it best to keep it from the husband. He said if I did that to him, he won't be able to forgive me as easily. That he is more inclined to forgiving me kissing another guy on a drunken stupor than keeping this kind of information from him.

 

 

Then one day, as lent was approaching (I was born and raised Catholic) I did some self-reflection and finally decided that my penance will be to come clean to him. I have wrestled with my gut long enough and finally conceded that my moral and values could no longer take the guilt of withholding this critical info from him. So 2 weeks ago I told him that I needed to tell him something but it had to be done face to face. We have been trying to nail a date for us to either meet halfway or for him to come over but it has been a challenge due to him travelling all the time for work. Now I am having second thoughts about divulging this secret. I know that it could go 2 ways; he could take it as a betrayal and totally walk away from me or he could be more understanding and accept my reasoning for not telling him sooner. Can somebody please help me shed some light to my dilemma?

[TAV]

It was also his baby so he basically had a right to know the moment you knew. But that moment has come and gone.

 

How did you found out you were actually pregnant? Did you have to have it removed? I'm confused about this part of your story.

 

He has told you loud and clear he does not like you to keep things like this from him. Forget about the dramatic way he put it at the time. How do you think he will feel if you stay together for, say, 20 yrs and you blurt this out at some other time in the distant future? Now is the time to come clean. Trust is key in any relationship. If the situation would be reversed, and he was keeping something so significant from you, how would you feel?

 

So if you were really pregnant and are dealing with the aftermath (f.e. emotions, sense of loss, physical discomfort, fear for a new (unwanted) pregnancy) give him a chance to be the man he probably wants to be.

[nugget_718]

Thanks TAV for your response.

 

 

It was also his baby so he basically had a right to know the moment you knew. But that moment has come and gone.

 

 

I realize that now which is why I wanted to come clean

 

How did you found out you were actually pregnant? Did you have to have it removed? I'm confused about this part of your story.

 

 

I had to be admitted to emergency due to excessive bleeding which I thought was my period. By the time I got to the hospital, the miscarriage had already progressed and I was passing part of the placenta already. The pregnancy was confirmed when they did some lab tests.

 

He has told you loud and clear he does not like you to keep things like this from him. Forget about the dramatic way he put it at the time. How do you think he will feel if you stay together for, say, 20 yrs and you blurt this out at some other time in the distant future? Now is the time to come clean. Trust is key in any relationship. If the situation would be reversed, and he was keeping something so significant from you, how would you feel?

 

 

This was in reaction to his past offense. He had lied to me at one point when I was going through my medical scare to avoid "anymore disappointments" (his words) at that time. I actually started a thread about that. Here's the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/387230-ldr-lies-deceit-how-do-you-move should you want to have more clarification about the whole thing.

[darkmoon]

tell him while he is in a good mood, atmo you are going to be head-to-head with confrontational body language - yikes! meeting half-way sounds like a drag, when you could both be relaxing at home instead, you might not have been sure that he wanted the gory story, in fairness, it was/is an ordeal to forget - why should telling him of his loss be a good thing?

Edited April 8, 2014 by darkmoon

[nugget_718]

tell him while he is in a good mood, atmo you are going to be head-to-head with confrontational body language - yikes! meeting half-way sounds like a drag, when you could both be relaxing at home instead, you might not have been sure that he wanted the gory story, in fairness, it was/is an ordeal to forget - why should telling him of his loss be a good thing?

 

 

 

Thanks for your response Darkmoon. While I know that telling him now is a tad late, this is actually to ease my burden. It was my penance so to speak. I am prepared for what's to come. Be it bad or good.

[darkmoon]

Thanks for your response Darkmoon. While I know that telling him now is a tad late, this is actually to ease my burden. It was my penance so to speak. I am prepared for what's to come. Be it bad or good.

 

 

penance? can't you feed the poor - til it hurts your pocket, srsly - and trust God to bind you two in Holy matrimony one day?

 

 

the penance atmo is destructive, when Jamie Bulger (a 2 year old in the UK) was found dead, one thing I read was how the little child's parents had no happiness and they split, I do not know which one of them suggested the parting

 

 

I think you secretly want to end your relationship on a certain level, I have never met you, mind you, but you know he will not be happy, so I can draw no other conclusion

 

 

love is hard to find

[TMichaels]

This was in reaction to his past offense. He had lied to me at one point when I was going through my medical scare to avoid "anymore disappointments" (his words) at that time. I actually started a thread about that. Here's the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/387230-ldr-lies-deceit-how-do-you-move should you want to have more clarification about the whole thing.

 

Okay, but there's a big hole in the history of your relationship here. Last May you were done with him and had moved on. Now you're back together?

 

The problem before was he lied to you. How did you overcome that and get back together? Whose idea was it and what was said/promised by whom?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[FitChick]

If you know it will cause trouble, keep your mouth shut. It was a miscarriage not an abortion. You had no control over what happened. Miscarriages are more common than most people realize. Since you are Catholic, go to confession and tell the priest instead.

[ja123]

Why are you so concerned with penance, OP? I almost agree with Fitchick that you should confess to the priest, but then I don't know how skilled and un-biased your priest is. He might not condone your being Catholic and being on birth control and having pre-marital sex.

 

 

Perhaps you are hoping that your BF will dump you because you wish to dump him, but can't. So, your "penance" is a passive way to bring about the results you unconsciously desire.

 

 

Have you and your BF resolved the issue between you that 'cause you to keep the pregnancy a secret in the first place?

Edited April 9, 2014 by ja123

[TAV]

Thanks TAV for your response.

 

 

 

 

 

I realize that now which is why I wanted to come clean

 

 

 

 

I had to be admitted to emergency due to excessive bleeding which I thought was my period. By the time I got to the hospital, the miscarriage had already progressed and I was passing part of the placenta already. The pregnancy was confirmed when they did some lab tests.

 

 

 

 

This was in reaction to his past offense. He had lied to me at one point when I was going through my medical scare to avoid "anymore disappointments" (his words) at that time. I actually started a thread about that. Here's the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/387230-ldr-lies-deceit-how-do-you-move should you want to have more clarification about the whole thing.

 

Ok, I'm sorry you went through such an ordeal all by yourself. I've had several miscarriages so I know it can also be difficult emotionally. I'm not sure since you had no idea you were pregnant if it is the same for you. If it is, at least try to take it serious and take time to mourn, even if you think you have no right to or think it is exaggerated.

 

I read your other thread. I understand the strains your relationship was under; with his mad schedule it was almost impossible to continue the LDR. I am a believer of 'where there is a will there is a way' so I am not saying it is actually impossible. But I do think you both need to have a goal to be together at least when he is home. Wherever that home may be. The direct reason for the breakup (in my opinion this was just a symptom of what was actually going on) I think is not such a big crime as you seem to think it is. I don't condone lying but he did it to protect you, he was under a lot of stress, sleep deprived and probably afraid he'd lose you with his crazy lifestyle. Since this was the first offence I think you could have forgiven him for it.

 

I'm wondering if the lying you did about the pregnancy is some form of retaliation. You were hurt by his dishonesty and now you are trying to hurt him the same way back? An eye for an eye? I think your Catholic priest will have a few things to say about that.

 

My boyfriend, who is a very honest person in general, recently lied to me too. He was suffering a depression and kept that from me. He also pretended to sleep well when in fact he was suffering terrible insomnia that made his mental state far worse. I have been in a long marriage with a narcissist man who's lying habits would surpass your imagination, trust me. So honesty is very important to me. My boyfriend knows this.

 

Yes, I hated the fact he kept this from me, wondered what our relationship was worth, and questioned everything for a while and, despite this episode being months ago now, I have moments where I ask him to go on cam so I can look into his eyes and see if he is really feeling the way he says he does. I’m sure it will take a while for this habit to get out of my system.

 

But most of all I felt EMPATHY. He was suffering, afraid he would let me down, and that he'd lose me if he was not a certain type of man (his upbeat, kind and funny normal self). I love him enough to forgive him for the lies and this experience has also taught him something about the depth of my love for him. I'd say we are stronger now than we were before, which was already pretty strong.

 

My point is that there are lies and lies. His lying wasn't malicious. I hope yours wasn't too.

[nugget_718]

I think you secretly want to end your relationship on a certain level, I have never met you, mind you, but you know he will not be happy, so I can draw no other conclusion

 

 

love is hard to find

 

Darkmoon, you gave me something to think about. Maybe in the back of my mind, I want to end the cycle of disappointments that come with being in LDR. Maybe I want out but don't have the courage to do it. Lots of maybe. But definitely something to ponder.

 

Okay, but there's a big hole in the history of your relationship here. Last May you were done with him and had moved on. Now you're back together?

 

The problem before was he lied to you. How did you overcome that and get back together? Whose idea was it and what was said/promised by whom?

 

TMichaels, we did split for a few months but we maintained LC after me being NC for a month and then last September we decided to give it another go. The time apart has helped give me clarity that the lie was not malicious and he apologized and showed remorse over and over again. Since we both admitted we still love each other and though he could not promise me an instant change, he will slowly work out all the kinks that I pointed out. And to be fair to him, he is showing progress.

[nugget_718]

Why are you so concerned with penance, OP? I almost agree with Fitchick that you should confess to the priest, but then I don't know how skilled and un-biased your priest is. He might not condone your being Catholic and being on birth control and having pre-marital sex.

 

 

Perhaps you are hoping that your BF will dump you because you wish to dump him, but can't. So, your "penance" is a passive way to bring about the results you unconsciously desire.

 

 

Have you and your BF resolved the issue between you that 'cause you to keep the pregnancy a secret in the first place?

 

The thought of going to the priest has occured to me thousand of times but everytime I think about it I feel shame on my part because acknowledging the miscarriage will also be admitting to having pre-marital sex. I don't think expect everyone to understand why I feel this way. I did however go to a counselor and seek her guidance and what was agreed upon was that I needed to come clean to my bf to ease my burden as she sees how I am struggling with this.

[nugget_718]

Ok, I'm sorry you went through such an ordeal all by yourself. I've had several miscarriages so I know it can also be difficult emotionally. I'm not sure since you had no idea you were pregnant if it is the same for you. If it is, at least try to take it serious and take time to mourn, even if you think you have no right to or think it is exaggerated.

 

It took a while for the miscarriage to sink in to me due to my shock. But when it did, the emotions came flooding.

 

I read your other thread. I understand the strains your relationship was under; with his mad schedule it was almost impossible to continue the LDR. I am a believer of 'where there is a will there is a way' so I am not saying it is actually impossible. But I do think you both need to have a goal to be together at least when he is home. Wherever that home may be. The direct reason for the breakup (in my opinion this was just a symptom of what was actually going on) I think is not such a big crime as you seem to think it is. I don't condone lying but he did it to protect you, he was under a lot of stress, sleep deprived and probably afraid he'd lose you with his crazy lifestyle. Since this was the first offence I think you could have forgiven him for it.

 

When we decided to end the relationship last May, I went NC right away. Then after a month i folded and did LC. We decided to give it another go last September despite me being a bit reluctant. We did still love each other so it was worth the try. He didn't promise me an instant change which is understandable but I can see him trying. The nearly 4 months of separation also gave me more clarity on the intention of his lying.

 

I'm wondering if the lying you did about the pregnancy is some form of retaliation. You were hurt by his dishonesty and now you are trying to hurt him the same way back? An eye for an eye? I think your Catholic priest will have a few things to say about that.

 

Never admitted the retaliation route till a month ago when I started seeing my counselor. I am not the type of person to keep a grudge but somehow I maybe am doing that to him.

 

My boyfriend, who is a very honest person in general, recently lied to me too. He was suffering a depression and kept that from me. He also pretended to sleep well when in fact he was suffering terrible insomnia that made his mental state far worse. I have been in a long marriage with a narcissist man who's lying habits would surpass your imagination, trust me. So honesty is very important to me. My boyfriend knows this.

 

Yes, I hated the fact he kept this from me, wondered what our relationship was worth, and questioned everything for a while and, despite this episode being months ago now, I have moments where I ask him to go on cam so I can look into his eyes and see if he is really feeling the way he says he does. I’m sure it will take a while for this habit to get out of my system.

 

But most of all I felt EMPATHY. He was suffering, afraid he would let me down, and that he'd lose me if he was not a certain type of man (his upbeat, kind and funny normal self). I love him enough to forgive him for the lies and this experience has also taught him something about the depth of my love for him. I'd say we are stronger now than we were before, which was already pretty strong.

 

I am sorry to hear that you have to go through being lied to like I did. It is very hard especially when it is our love one who let us down. I am very interested to know how you two got over it and made your relationship stronger.

[TMichaels]

The thought of going to the priest has occured to me thousand of times but everytime I think about it I feel shame on my part because acknowledging the miscarriage will also be admitting to having pre-marital sex.

 

Yeah sure, chances are you're going some hassle from any priest about the choices you've made, but can't you go to confession in another parish or location where the priest doesn't know you personally?

 

You need to get some relief from the secret and guilt you are carrying. I'm surprised your counselor didn't suggest you go to confession elsewhere to help you deal with the burden.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[FitChick]

Priests have heard everything. I doubt he'd be shocked. You'll just have to say more Hail Marys and make extra circuits around the rosary beads.

[justwhoiam]

Since you are Catholic, go to confession and tell the priest instead.

A miscarriage is not a sin, so it needs no confession. Premarital sex is, so sex without vows to each other is considered as a sin for the Catholic religion.

Vows do not necessarily require a formal legal marriage.

 

I don't see how telling a priest about one's miscarriage could help, but you can talk to a priest for advice. I would suggest not to do that outside the confession, because he's not bound to keep anything you say a secret.

 

I'm not sure what the boyfriend did that is leading the OP to some sort of "revenge".

[nugget_718]

A miscarriage is not a sin, so it needs no confession. Premarital sex is, so sex without vows to each other is considered as a sin for the Catholic religion.

Vows do not necessarily require a formal legal marriage.

 

I don't see how telling a priest about one's miscarriage could help, but you can talk to a priest for advice. I would suggest not to do that outside the confession, because he's not bound to keep anything you say a secret.

 

I'm not sure what the boyfriend did that is leading the OP to some sort of "revenge".

 

 

Thank you Justwhoiam for your response. You can read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/387230-ldr-lies-deceit-how-do-you-move if you want to get more clarification on what prompted my sort of "revenge".

 

 

We decided to give our relationship another go nearly 4 months after I wrote that thread. But due to the circumstance, I was never fully invested the second time around. He did say he will try and change things so I want to see what those changes are because I don't want to be left asking what could happen if I did give it a few more months. But the other part of me also thinks what if I end up wasting those months when I could have been moving forward? I know it is all very confusing but I take it one day at a time hoping and praying that the true intention of the second try will reveal itself soon. That is also why I mentioned on the 1st part of this thread that we are struggling.

[nugget_718]

Yeah sure, chances are you're going some hassle from any priest about the choices you've made, but can't you go to confession in another parish or location where the priest doesn't know you personally?

 

You need to get some relief from the secret and guilt you are carrying. I'm surprised your counselor didn't suggest you go to confession elsewhere to help you deal with the burden.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

 

The first question that my counselor ask me after I was done pouring my heart out was the same exact thing you said, why not go to your parish priest or go to a different parish if you don't feel comfortable with your parish. And I gave her the same answer...that my shame is stopping me from telling him because to confess to him is to confess everything about the whole thing...the birth control use, my callous action of having sex outside of marriage and a whole other gamut of intimate information.

 

 

And yes, Fitchick is probably right that priests must have heard anything and everything there is to life in general and nothing will shock them. I am not afraid to talk to someone about my poor choices but it has to be a person who is not biased based on beliefs.

[justwhoiam]

So you got back together 6 months ago, but things are not working?

 

I can imagine how you feel. There was non reason to lie to you about that travel, unless he was seeing or being with someone else. And if he did that with you in the past (the traveling together), it's not weird to guess he could do it with someone else too).

 

You have no real bond that keeps the two of you together, and it's wise to think that he wouldn't keep up more than a relationship at the same time long-term.

 

But my gut feeling says that if you really want something with all yourself, you won't let it slip off your hands easily. And by this I mean if he starts contemplating breaking up because of his work, stress, your well-being, you nameit, well, then the basis of anything is missing for a relationship.

 

Who resumed contact after 4 months?

Are you free to call him any time during the night? Even if he's sleeping?

Did you start traveling with him again?

[nugget_718]

So you got back together 6 months ago, but things are not working?

 

Yes that is correct. I am half-hearted going for the second chance but I still love him so I relented.

 

I can imagine how you feel. There was non reason to lie to you about that travel, unless he was seeing or being with someone else. And if he did that with you in the past (the traveling together), it's not weird to guess he could do it with someone else too).

 

I am sure that there is no 3rd party involve. He swore to me, on his kids life even, that I am his only girlfriend.

 

 

You have no real bond that keeps the two of you together, and it's wise to think that he wouldn't keep up more than a relationship at the same time long-term.

 

True. But I believe him to be a good person with morals and value.

 

 

But my gut feeling says that if you really want something with all yourself, you won't let it slip off your hands easily. And by this I mean if he starts contemplating breaking up because of his work, stress, your well-being, you nameit, well, then the basis of anything is missing for a relationship.

 

When we were talking about breaking up, he says his heart tells him to fight with all his might but in the process it would make me very unhappy due to him stuck at a hard place between his work responsibility and his responsibility to me as his girlfriend. I think a lot of men measure their success into how well they do in their chosen field. I know he is that kind of a man.

 

Who resumed contact after 4 months?

Are you free to call him any time during the night? Even if he's sleeping?

Did you start traveling with him again?

 

He was always the one to contact me. Even when we were at the height of our relationship glow, he was always the one contacting me 1st due to the time difference. And yes, I am free to call him anytime. I have chosen not to travel with him again on his many business trips only because there really is not that much quality time together. He leaves for his customer meetings in the morning and stays out during the day while I go busy myself sight-seeing or shopping. We then get together in the evening for dinner but after dinner he needs to work because emails and other issues do not stop coming just because he is traveling. He still needs to get back to other customers and sort out business issues.

[justwhoiam]

It's good it was him contacting you again and not you looking for him.

 

I have chosen not to travel with him again on his many business trips only because there really is not that much quality time together. He leaves for his customer meetings in the morning and stays out during the day while I go busy myself sight-seeing or shopping. We then get together in the evening for dinner but after dinner he needs to work because emails and other issues do not stop coming just because he is traveling. He still needs to get back to other customers and sort out business issues.

Is this a temporary thing or a permanent lifestyle?

If it's the former, I'd get any chance I have to be with him. Even 30 minutes would be precious to me. Also, you'd get to be with him for like 10/14 hours a day I guess. If it's the latter, I understand why you are half hearted, and you'd better listen to your heart telling you there's no future with him ahead of you. You'd need to get past that. And move on.

 

You probably have the answer already. You know what your case is.

[nugget_718]

It's good it was him contacting you again and not you looking for him.

 

Is this a temporary thing or a permanent lifestyle?

If it's the former, I'd get any chance I have to be with him. Even 30 minutes would be precious to me. Also, you'd get to be with him for like 10/14 hours a day I guess. If it's the latter, I understand why you are half hearted, and you'd better listen to your heart telling you there's no future with him ahead of you. You'd need to get past that. And move on.

 

You probably have the answer already. You know what your case is.

 

 

 

For now, I'd like for him to come and visit that way we get more quality time. Or I could visit him. If only we can find a time out of his crazy travel schedule. We can't even do weekend coz that is when he leaves for his overseas travel. So to answer your question about it being temporary or permanent, the answer is I don't know. All I know is that I think he will most likely be in the sales field for the remainder of his career life. Which is probably why I have one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.