Is it crazy for me to consider a future together with my ex after a year apart?

[Elibee]

I really need advice and I'll try to make this as short as possible, but basically I got an email from my ex (we've been broken up for a year) saying Hi and that he was thinking about me, I responded and hes now sent me another one asking what I've been up to, how my family are etc.. I'm a little nervous about how to proceed.. I still love him, he was my first love and I know that I probably will always have feelings for him in some way and I now find myself thinking that maybe we could reunite.. but our relationship had its problems and I'm concerned that talking to him will set me up for heart break all over again.

 

We met online when I was 19, it was a long distance relationship for two yeas and in that time we only spent a total of 9 months together in person so it was extremely difficult. Our main problem was within ourselves.. I had terrible anxiety and agoraphobia, I was very sheltered.. I'd never been anywhere before and I'd only ever lived with my parents, I didn't have a job because of my extreme anxiety and so I depended on him a lot which of course put huge pressure on him and then he himself, had problems with alcohol which came out about a year in to our relationship.. which I should explain that we were togethe for a year then at one point when I was visiting him, I pretty much had a nervous break down.. at the time, I was taking these pills which gave me terrible mood swings anyway and I was so vunerable that being in a new country away from my family completely overwhelmed me, so at this time we decided to take a break while I got better.. which lasted about 2 months before we were talking to each other again, while we were apart he'd had a sort of brief fling with another girl.. it wasn't ever physical between them, it was more flirting than anything but again... I was immature at the time and was hurt by this, while we were apart he'd also taken drugs and started drinking (he used to have drinking problems but had been completely clean 2 months prior to us finding each other) so that also put pressure on us.. we were in a really hard place but decided to carry on and I got a visa to go be with him, we hadn't seen each other for 6 months by this time.. things just didn't feel the same when I got there, we both loved each other still but with all that had happened as well financial problems we were both exhausted... at one point we had talked about getting married, but now after my break down and his relapse that was no longer a plan and I felt like we were moving backwards.. so thats when we broke up. We did email a few times when I returned home but I eventually decided that it wasn't healthy for us and that we needed to cut contact so we didn't speak for a year or so, until he emailed me recently.

 

I'm 23 now (he's 26) .. I no longer suffer with anxiety, I have a steady job, my own place and well.. basically, when we were dating I was still a girl then, we were both immature.. but now I feel like a woman (not to sound dramatic or cheesy!) and he's in a better place too. We've both briefly dated other people, but mine was nothing serious and from the sounds of it.. his wasn't either. The relationship we had, even though it was complicated and we both had issues.. we were very deeply in love and extremely close.. he was my best friend and I still consider him my best friend even though we haven''t spoken in so long.. I think about him all the time and I have the feeling that there is something there still and maybe now we've grown up, we could maybe figure it out, but what if I'm wrong and its a huge mistake to talk to him? I care about him a lot and I don't want either of us to hurt again..

 

Is there anyone who has had any experience of reconnecting with an ex? Is it safe to talk to him as friends and see where it goes?

Edited April 8, 2014 by Elibee

[d0nnivain]

You met when you were young. You seem to think that you have resolved many of the issues that drove you apart.

 

 

My personal opinion is that you are going backwards but from one internet post I don't have all the facts.

 

 

If you are sure that this isn't just that you are comfortable with him & it's too scary to meet a new guy, go ahead & meet him but keep a level head & make sure all the old problems no longer exist.

[mangetout]

What's the problem in trying again? You say your old problems are gone and that both of you are in better places. I don't see why not.

 

Just proceed with caution and take it slow. No harm in it.

[Jiivy]

You need to both lay things on the table like adults.

 

You've grown - maybe he's grown. A reconciliation can work, but who you are and who he is today are NOT the people in love one year ago. If you're prepared to honestly be rejected once more, or at the very least find that whoever he is now you don't love anymore...then go for it. My heart goes to you and I wish you all my love in the process whichever way it goes.

 

And for God's sake, keep posting on LS to let us know how it's going!!!

[BC1980]

Just tell him how you feel. It does seem time has passed, and both of you have matured. Well, I don't know about him, but it seems you have.

[Elibee]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I decided to carry on talking to him.. just casually without expecting anything, anyway he revealed last night that he will soon be coming to the UK with one of his friends next month and suggested we could meet up and spend some time together. I don't really know what to make of that.. he hasn't said too much in regards to us, except that he misses me and wishes he'd got himself together sooner than he did. Part of me worries that he has some ridiculous idea that I'll hook up with him while he's here and then he can go back home, no strings attached.. maybe I'm being defensive and paranoid but it seems odd that its been a year since hes contacted me (I did ignore him a few times when he contacted me during the first two months of our break up, but I haven't heard from him since then) and now he suddenly wants to in light of this trip.. especially as it was my birthday a little over 6 weeks ago, so surely if he wanted a chance to talk to me that'd be a easy way to do it.. right?

[Jiivy]

There's not a timeline for these things...birthday or not, it doesn't really matter. Set your boundaries for yourself and know what you will/won't accept from him, then wait.

 

It could still potentially fall through, he might not show - he might be looking for a quickie(?). Just be true to you and your expectations

[BC1980]

His trip to the UK shines a new light on things. It is entirely possible that he simply wants to meet up as friends and hang out with no other motives. My gut feeling is that he is waiting to see you again and see it he feels anything. Then, he might decide if he wants to try again. I think you have to make the decision to see him or not, and we can't tell you what to do. It's really a crap shoot, and it could set you back. It's up to you at this point.