BW & H laughing at the OW?

[cocorico]

So what... in the face of knowing darn well that an affair more than likely will NOT turn out well, one should just ignore it and proceed on the off chance that it will turn out all peaches and cream... the chances of that happening are about as good as winning the lottery! This is not "doomsday trotted out like absolutes" it is fact... these things DO often happen and that's the chance that the OW/OM takes when getting involved with a cheater.

 

I'm guessing you're not a statistician. The "stats" quoted so glibly on these sites suggest that the chances of an A developing into a M which survives at least 5 years are 3 in 100, while the odds of winning the EuroMillions lottery jackpot are 1 in 76275360. Rather different odds, I think we can agree.

 

You logic here makes no sense whatsoever. The point is... a woman who knowingly gets involved with a taken man should do so KNOWING that the chances of it working out well are slim to none. Period. And there WILL be consequences for it in one form or another.

 

3%, according to the stats. I've no idea what the odds are of a M lasting at least 5 years developing out of any random dating R are, but I'm willing to bet they're not much different.

 

And consequences, sure - the consequences of my having loved a man who happened to have a vestigial M at the time have been:

 

* discovering that love does really exist

* having the best R I have ever had with anyone

* being welcomed into a close! loving family

* gaining new friends

* having a deeply satisfying M based on love, trust and respect

* the hottest, most passionate sex, lasting way beyond "honeymoon" or "limerance" periods

* his kids getting their lives together and becoming happy! well-balanced young people

* both of us finding the love of our lives and beig thankful each day for our good fortune.

 

On top of that... if said person does end up in a relationship with the cheater and DOESN'T spend some time wondering if the cheater will do it to them then well, they are just hiding from it and pretending that all is peachy (sticking head in sand) when the reality is... if they did it to be with you, they could just as easily do it to you. Will that always happen? Nope. But to just pretend that it couldn't possibly happen is just ludicrous. Why would anyone really WANT that kind of relationship? And why WOULDN'T you think about it if the relationship started as an affair.

 

Why wouldn't you? Well, because you'd seen the awful situation that made them act so out of character to have an A in the first place; you'd seen the BS and the decades-long evidence of the abuse and the testimony of his family and friends and seen the medical and counselling reports, and heard from his kids, their teachers, etc; you'd seen his own struggles, and the hard work he put in through counselling and other ways to address the issues that had led to him accepting such poor treatment for so long, and seen the strides he'd made in developing more healthy ways of being and relating; you'd witnessed the damage and destruction wreaked by their M and learned the lessons about how to conduct a healthy, respectful, loving R; you have a mature attitude of accepting that of course something could go wrong in your M - one of you could die prematurely, or be severely disabled, or fall out of lve, or have an A, or develop a dreadful illness. Bad things happen - but while you wil do your best to prevent something within your control from happening, you don't have control over everything, especially the other person. And that's OK. Life is a series of risks. You can allow fear to paralyse you, and refuse to get out of bed in the morning lest you be run over crossing the street, or you live your life to the fullest and enjoy the wonderful things it has to offer. And if it does go pear shaped at the end, you'll still have the wonderful memories of the brilliant times you had, instead of sitting alone wreathed in a cloak of bitterness.

 

So that's why I wouldn't - because I'm a positive person who chooses to surround myself with light and happiness, and not dwell on misery. But different strokes for different folks - some prefer misery, and that is heir choice to make.

[cocorico]

I live in a very liberal and tolerant part of the US and affairs are judged harshly.

 

Clearly not that liberal or tolerant, then.

[BHsigh]

Clearly not that liberal or tolerant, then.

 

Honest question, I'm not trying to call you out here, but I thought that liberalism and tolerance was meant to care about everyone, not to excuse behavior that can cause others such pain. Does liberal and tolerant mean that we can eschew all morals in the fight to just do whatever we want, regardless of who we hurt?

[eye of the storm]

Its odd, I now realize I know a lot of people that cheat. In my work area, it is more common that being faithful. Nobody blinks at it....until it becomes official. Once the knowledge is out there, everyone is aghast. Once the spouse finds out or the couple gets caught in public, it damages careers. Hypocritical? Very. Common? Yep.

 

As far as society goes, I live in very progressive area and when you talk about affairs, people get super conservative. You can almost see the pitchforks getting sharpened. lol

[KaliLove]

Its odd, I now realize I know a lot of people that cheat. In my work area, it is more common that being faithful. Nobody blinks at it....until it becomes official. Once the knowledge is out there, everyone is aghast. Once the spouse finds out or the couple gets caught in public, it damages careers. Hypocritical? Very. Common? Yep.

 

As far as society goes, I live in very progressive area and when you talk about affairs, people get super conservative. You can almost see the pitchforks getting sharpened. lol

 

I have a feeling you and I might work in the same industry.

 

I wouldn't call it conservative (nor would I call supporting affairs 'liberal'). It's just common decency not to cheat.

[ThatMan]

Honest question, I'm not trying to call you out here, but I thought that liberalism and tolerance was meant to care about everyone, not to excuse behavior that can cause others such pain. Does liberal and tolerant mean that we can eschew all morals in the fight to just do whatever we want, regardless of who we hurt?

That's what conservatives like ourselves want you to believe.

[janedoe67]

Clearly not that liberal or tolerant, then.

 

I think our uber-PC culture has misunderstood the definition of tolerant. Tolerant and agree are not the same thing.

 

I tolerate the loudly barking dogs across the street. I do not necessarily LIKE it or AGREE with it at 2:00 am, but I tolerate it.

 

Believing that something is wrong is not the same thing as intolerance.

[Quiet Storm]

Honest question, I'm not trying to call you out here, but I thought that liberalism and tolerance was meant to care about everyone, not to excuse behavior that can cause others such pain. Does liberal and tolerant mean that we can eschew all morals in the fight to just do whatever we want, regardless of who we hurt?

 

 

Exactly. My state is politically liberal & culturally tolerant. We have gay marriage, decriminalizing weed, lots of cultural diversity. I am in an interracial marriage & am also an atheist, and have been welcomed in my community.

 

Just because we are liberal and tolerant in Maryland, does not mean that lying, sneaking, cheating and selfish behavior are condoned or supported. I think most people here would be accepting of multiple partners or an agreed open marriage if all parties were being honest. But even the most progressive and open minded people think it's wrong to lie and seek your own pleasure at the expense of someone else's pain.

 

Infidelity is not an issue like gay marriage where people think "What people do in their own bedrooms is none of my business". It's associated with dishonesty and the destruction of families. Many people have been affected negatively by infidelity. People have been cheated on, or their parents cheated, or maybe their adult child was cheated on. In most cases, the aftermath is negative. People associate affairs with hurt and pain.

 

Sure, we have the craigslist and ashleymadison communities, who associate affairs with fun & excitement. But the fact that these people have to be so secret & discreet proves that society as a whole is unaccepting.

 

No matter how liberal of a place you live, people will still have ethics. If you see an old lady drop a $20 bill, it may be legal to pick it up after she walks away. But is it right? It may be legal to sit down on a city bench & light up a cigarette next to a baby in a stroller, but it is ethical? It may be legal for a guy to forward his GF's naked pics to his friends, but is it ethical? What I am getting at is that this is not about being "old fashioned" or conservative. It's about integrity and common courtesy.

 

While cocorico has had infidelity benefit her life, this is not the case for the most people. The overwhelming majority does not think of affairs as a positive step on a journey to happiness. Even most cheaters know it's wrong, they just do it anyway.

[KaliLove]

Exactly. If MM/W and OW/M don't think they're doing anything wrong, why are most of them so hellbent on keeping their affairs a secret?

[Raena]

I'd say that the vast majority of people would agree that infidelity is NOT ideal. Those few who have had exigent circumstances that are not the norm in an affair should not be brandishing this as if that's the way it works out for everyone. Most affairs end in pain, hurt and trauma for all involved, one way or another.

 

This is the point of my earlier post... just because a few people have had positive experiences with being involved in an affair and successfully managed to break up the family and have it work out well in their favor does not mean that this is how it usually happens. What usually happens is that the affair causes trauma for all involved... usually long lasting trauma... for the children, for the spouses, for the extended family and even sometimes the friends of the family involved. Even for those who reconcile, it isn't easy... it's a painful and long process to forgive someone who cheated... and move on to a better place. For those whose families are shattered and torn apart because of an affair, the trauma can and often does repeat itself later on when the children grow and begin their own journey into the adult world of relationships.

 

THAT'S why I say that it doesn't make any darn sense to get involved in a relationship with a person who is already involved. If the circumstances are really that bad for the person then why didn't they walk away first before having an affair. That will NEVER make sense to me. If it's so horrible then walk away BEFORE finding a new partner. (after doing your darndest to fix the problems first).

 

Therefore I stand behind my original post of saying that if the OW/OM already KNOWS that MOST affairs do NOT end positively... WHY bother putting yourself in that situation in the first place? Why take that chance that your relationship with that person will cause long lasting pain to another?

 

No I'm not a statistician, but I darn sure have seen the ill effects of affairs time and again in my adult life and not ONCE have I seen it work out well for every single person involved. Even if the two cheating adults spend the rest of their lives believing their relationship is blissful, it effected the children to the point where THEY have problems in relationships as an adult.

[Got it]

I live in a very liberal and tolerant part of the US and affairs are judged harshly.

 

In what way?

 

While people my cluck it is not uncommon or unexpected and there are no Scarlet letters being worn.

 

Affairs seem so commonplace that it just doesn't have the impact that I see in real life that I read on here. Maybe because I am in an area that is frequently in the news for it and one person's transgression becomes their tomorrow's rebirth.

 

I am not saying affairs are a good idea. But I have seen plenty, especially when it is the man that the eyes are rolled but it is very much a "boys will be boys" mentality.

[Got it]

So what... in the face of knowing darn well that an affair more than likely will NOT turn out well, one should just ignore it and proceed on the off chance that it will turn out all peaches and cream... the chances of that happening are about as good as winning the lottery! This is not "doomsday trotted out like absolutes" it is fact... these things DO often happen and that's the chance that the OW/OM takes when getting involved with a cheater.

 

You logic here makes no sense whatsoever. The point is... a woman who knowingly gets involved with a taken man should do so KNOWING that the chances of it working out well are slim to none. Period. And there WILL be consequences for it in one form or another.

 

On top of that... if said person does end up in a relationship with the cheater and DOESN'T spend some time wondering if the cheater will do it to them then well, they are just hiding from it and pretending that all is peachy (sticking head in sand) when the reality is... if they did it to be with you, they could just as easily do it to you. Will that always happen? Nope. But to just pretend that it couldn't possibly happen is just ludicrous. Why would anyone really WANT that kind of relationship? And why WOULDN'T you think about it if the relationship started as an affair.

 

Because the bolded is ridiculous for ANY relationship. But being aware of what might happen and looking over one's shoulder forever are two radically different things.

 

And no what you posted are not absolutes and will not always happen. I am not swinging the pendulum to the other side and saying "go for it it's like Christmas" but I am also arguing against the viewpoint that you posted. Having walked in literally the steps that you can only surmise and speculate I can say I don't agree and haven't experienced the same.

 

Just like a relationship can go from finding out about an affair and successful go through reconciliation so can an affair to marriage. Does this happen the majority of the time? Nope. But can it happen? Yes.

[Got it]

I'd say that the vast majority of people would agree that infidelity is NOT ideal. Those few who have had exigent circumstances that are not the norm in an affair should not be brandishing this as if that's the way it works out for everyone. Most affairs end in pain, hurt and trauma for all involved, one way or another.

 

This is the point of my earlier post... just because a few people have had positive experiences with being involved in an affair and successfully managed to break up the family and have it work out well in their favor does not mean that this is how it usually happens. What usually happens is that the affair causes trauma for all involved... usually long lasting trauma... for the children, for the spouses, for the extended family and even sometimes the friends of the family involved. Even for those who reconcile, it isn't easy... it's a painful and long process to forgive someone who cheated... and move on to a better place. For those whose families are shattered and torn apart because of an affair, the trauma can and often does repeat itself later on when the children grow and begin their own journey into the adult world of relationships.

 

THAT'S why I say that it doesn't make any darn sense to get involved in a relationship with a person who is already involved. If the circumstances are really that bad for the person then why didn't they walk away first before having an affair. That will NEVER make sense to me. If it's so horrible then walk away BEFORE finding a new partner. (after doing your darndest to fix the problems first).

 

Therefore I stand behind my original post of saying that if the OW/OM already KNOWS that MOST affairs do NOT end positively... WHY bother putting yourself in that situation in the first place? Why take that chance that your relationship with that person will cause long lasting pain to another?

 

No I'm not a statistician, but I darn sure have seen the ill effects of affairs time and again in my adult life and not ONCE have I seen it work out well for every single person involved. Even if the two cheating adults spend the rest of their lives believing their relationship is blissful, it effected the children to the point where THEY have problems in relationships as an adult.

 

Except this is a very different post than what your original one was saying. You spoke in always and nevers. Quantifiers help to allow flexibility for outliers which you are now arguing. And arguing now the impact on others is different than your first post that argued about the man/woman relationship which you initially discussed. If you look at all parties then you are right it rarely works out, at least short term, positive for all parties. It may be long term a soften impact. But you are correct there.

 

And why bother? Why bother dating/marrying? The stats show that you are most likely going to end up at least in an unhappy relationship let alone most likely divorced. So why bother? Because people are born ridiculous optimists, and ridiculously foolish, when it comes to the heart.

[Raena]

Except this is a very different post than what your original one was saying. You spoke in always and nevers. Quantifiers help to allow flexibility for outliers which you are now arguing. And arguing now the impact on others is different than your first post that argued about the man/woman relationship which you initially discussed. If you look at all parties then you are right it rarely works out, at least short term, positive for all parties. It may be long term a soften impact. But you are correct there.

 

And why bother? Why bother dating/marrying? The stats show that you are most likely going to end up at least in an unhappy relationship let alone most likely divorced. So why bother? Because people are born ridiculous optimists, and ridiculously foolish, when it comes to the heart.

 

No I did NOT speak in always and nevers.... you need to go back and read it again. I said COULD and very often DO happen... never once did I say it ALWAYS happens.

 

You can argue it all you want... I never said anything about absolutes, what I said and what I meant is that it most often DOES happen... you can't possibly tell me that you think starting a relationship as an affair is even remotely the same as starting a relationship out in the open, fully disclosed, fully open for anyone to see, no secrets, no hiding, no LYING. It is NOT the same thing. Starting a relationship as an affair means "you" are starting off perfectly ok with knowing that the person "you" are with is perfectly ok with lying to be with "you". You in this case refers to the OW/OM who knowingly gets involved in an affair. Going INTO the relationship KNOWING that it very likely will not turn out well and then crying when it doesn't, or crying about the consequences, is just plain ridiculous.

[janedoe67]

I guess my question is this:

 

Does the outcome somehow change the fact that lying, deceiving. And cheating are wrong?

 

I mean, is it fine for me to drive drunk as long as I get home safe? Is it okay to embezzle as long as I give some to charity?

 

Is wrong right if it turns out the way I wanted?

[Raena]

I guess my question is this:

 

Does the outcome somehow change the fact that lying, deceiving. And cheating are wrong?

 

I mean, is it fine for me to drive drunk as long as I get home safe? Is it okay to embezzle as long as I give some to charity?

 

Is wrong right if it turns out the way I wanted?

 

I like the way you put this... you managed to say succinctly in a few sentences what it took me paragraphs to explain

 

No wrong is not right despite the outcome. Wrong is still wrong.

[MissBee]

Hi guys...Hugs to all who are struggling with NC..

 

<comments about specific threads/forums redacted>

 

 

From reading here for two years, its often said that MM say the ILY's and so forth. How can the BS actually believe anything their WS says? After all, this is the person who cheated and they cannot be 100% sure if they said this or that. And how cruel to take someone back who slept with someone else and then turn around, making fun of that said person. Personally, I don't get it.

And how as an OW or FOW, think about these things and react to such a cruel deed?

Any thoughts?

 

Huh?

 

I'm not sure what you're asking.

 

How would an OW know if the BS and the MM are laughing at her? Do they call her up and let her know, find her in person and laugh in her face? I don't get it.

 

However: lots of things are cruel in affairs. The nature of the beast as I always say is that it is a MESSY game from day one. Therefore what's cruel, right and polite becomes very hazy as well as very hypocritical. When OW is embarking on the affair she isn't thinking about how cruel it is or when some OW are knowing all about the BS and speaking badly about her, esp when the BS doesn't know her, she doesn't think it's cruel so why all of a sudden now if the MM decides to stay M/reconcile, him talking about the OW and laughing is cruel? Many an OW say they talk and laugh about BS with MM...so it seems it's the same thing when the table is turned.

 

I don't see the hangup personally. If the affair is over and the MM is reconciling, then whatever he and the BS choose to do is what they choose to do and unless they are laughing in the OW's face, I don't see why it matters. I GENUINELY believe if one is concerned about fairness and cruelty one should not involve one's self in an A. If you get involved though, be wise and realize that today you may be laughing and kissing and feeling happy with your bf who is cheating on his wife, and next week he could be back with his wife, while the bus wheels are on top of you and she's laughing. As for why a BS believes or take back a cheater...there are many reasons but I don't think it's even important, as at the end of the day, her reason is her own and it won't alleviate your pain and it is also easy to flip the argument around and ask the same of the OW....why are you having a relationship with a man who is married and where you are his secret lover? How are you ANY smarter/wiser/more sensible for that? You're not. It may even be more foolish in some ways for a woman who has no previous obligation to this man and thus less incentive to be with this man to choose him than for his existing wife, with whom he has had years, and where she has an understandably bigger investment to do so. Likewise if an OW can believe a current liar who is cheating and has every reason to present things in a way they aren't to get an OW to be with them, why is the OW's belief in this liar any more sensible than a reconciling BS's belief in her husband. Two sides of the same coin IMO

Edited April 12, 2014 by MissBee

[MissBee]

How can a BS sleep with a man who so easily betrayed her?

 

Your questions are all black and white as if no stringing along and lies are being told to the OW. Why do they stay in the A? Not because they love being in an A. Do you think it's easy for them to know he goes home to his W every night?

 

They stay because they are being TOLD another story by the WS, which is that he is leaving, the marriage is over, just be patient, I'm divorcing, etc. Yes, when you love someone, you want to believe in them.

 

Therein lies the answer....

 

The big difference as I said is that...at least the BS usually has been with the MM for YEARS before the cheating occurred and had YEARS of love and memories, kids, vacations etc. ALL of that makes sense as to why after an A and the WS is begging for forgiveness and trying to work things out why they would at least try to do so with him.

 

I was an OW too, and believe me, I get what you're saying. But the difference with us as OW most times is that we just meet this person and often know they are married/in a relationship from DAY ONE and we still choose to be with them instead of saying "Call me when you're divorced." We take part in their impropriety and choose to turn a blind eye. We haven't had yeaaaars....we JUST MET THEM and we are currently meeting them when they are currently lying to their spouse/SO....we have even less reason to believe or be with them as we often do not know them very well. Unless lied to about their status and then you got hooked in and fell in love (which actually happened to me) and then you find out...if you knew from day one about their marriage then your reasons for believing them or even giving them room in your life are even less logical...as you don't know or love this man you just met who is married...so why did you even give him a chance to begin with??? Whereas the BS is already on the ship that sailed so to speak and already has invested...an OW, unless lied to about his status, has ample time to say no thanks, I won't board the ship. But boarding it and then believing it will dock where you want it to is our own mistake....

[starchild699]

Huh?

 

I'm not sure what you're asking.

 

How would an OW know if the BS and the MM are laughing at her? Do they call her up and let her know, find her in person and laugh in her face? I don't get it.

 

However: lots of things are cruel in affairs. The nature of the beast as I always say is that it is a MESSY game from day one. Therefore what's cruel, right and polite becomes very hazy as well as very hypocritical. When OW is embarking on the affair she isn't thinking about how cruel it is or when some OW are knowing all about the BS and speaking badly about her, esp when the BS doesn't know her, she doesn't think it's cruel so why all of a sudden now if the MM decides to stay M/reconcile, him talking about the OW and laughing is cruel? Many an OW say they talk and laugh about BS with MM...so it seems it's the same thing when the table is turned.

 

I don't see the hangup personally. If the affair is over and the MM is reconciling, then whatever he and the BS choose to do is what they choose to do and unless they are laughing in the OW's face, I don't see why it matters. I GENUINELY believe if one is concerned about fairness and cruelty one should not involve one's self in an A. If you get involved though, be wise and realize that today you may be laughing and kissing and feeling happy with your bf who is cheating on his wife, and next week he could be back with his wife, while the bus wheels are on top of you and she's laughing. As for why a BS believes or take back a cheater...there are many reasons but I don't think it's even important, as at the end of the day, her reason is her own and it won't alleviate your pain and it is also easy to flip the argument around and ask the same of the OW....why are you having a relationship with a man who is married and where you are his secret lover? How are you ANY smarter/wiser/more sensible for that? You're not. It may even be more foolish in some ways for a woman who has no previous obligation to this man and thus less incentive to be with this man to choose him than for his existing wife, with whom he has had years, and where she has an understandably bigger investment to do so. Likewise if an OW can believe a current liar who is cheating and has every reason to present things in a way they aren't to get an OW to be with them, why is the OW's belief in this liar any more sensible than a reconciling BS's belief in her husband. Two sides of the same coin IMO

 

 

I was laughed at, mocked, taunted on social media after his dday for well over a year. Won't go into the details but many of BS' messages contained deliberate 'clues' he had let her read my emails after dday (undoubtedly after combing through and selectively deleting incriminating emails of his own). I also have evidence electronic surveillance was involved to access / keep tabs on me, thus they were both well aware of the trauma I was experiencing yet continued to make light of it. It was a cruel and deliberate campaign to continue rubbing my nose in it long after the bus had faded in the distance. Says more about them, than me.

[BHsigh]

I was laughed at, mocked, taunted on social media after his dday for well over a year. Won't go into the details but many of BS' messages contained deliberate 'clues' he had let her read my emails after dday (undoubtedly after combing through and selectively deleting incriminating emails of his own). I also have evidence electronic surveillance was involved to access / keep tabs on me, thus they were both well aware of the trauma I was experiencing yet continued to make light of it. It was a cruel and deliberate campaign to continue rubbing my nose in it long after the bus had faded in the distance. Says more about them, than me.

 

As much as I don't like willing and unrepentant AP's, it irks me to no end for the WS to do anything of this sort, the WS was a willing party as well and has no room whatsoever to do this to any AP, repentant or not.

 

Now for a BS to initially react harshly, I have to give them a little leeway, provided that it isn't ongoing, such as in your case. And I find laughing, mocking and taunting to be over the top in any case.

 

I proudly posted OM on cheaterville, and emailed the link around, and there he stays to this day, but I never laughed, mocked or taunted, I only expressed sadness that a "friend" would help do that to me. If he ever chose to contact me and admit regret and try to offer any apology, I would accept and take down the posting.

 

Your exMM and his BS went way too far, and I'm sorry for you that you had to deal with such a harsh consequence, particularly from someone just as guilty.

[ThatMan]

I was laughed at, mocked, taunted on social media after his dday for well over a year. Won't go into the details but many of BS' messages contained deliberate 'clues' he had let her read my emails after dday (undoubtedly after combing through and selectively deleting incriminating emails of his own). I also have evidence electronic surveillance was involved to access / keep tabs on me, thus they were both well aware of the trauma I was experiencing yet continued to make light of it. It was a cruel and deliberate campaign to continue rubbing my nose in it long after the bus had faded in the distance. Says more about them, than me.

And you've always had the option to ignore their smear campaign.

 

Do you share a place of residence with them? Do you have the same circle of friends? Do you work together? No? Then you made the willful choice to go well out of your way to include yourself in their campaign. All you had to do was literally not type a few words into an internet browser. I think your own actions speak for itself.

[starchild699]

As much as I don't like willing and unrepentant AP's, it irks me to no end for the WS to do anything of this sort, the WS was a willing party as well and has no room whatsoever to do this to any AP, repentant or not.

 

Now for a BS to initially react harshly, I have to give them a little leeway, provided that it isn't ongoing, such as in your case. And I find laughing, mocking and taunting to be over the top in any case.

 

I proudly posted OM on cheaterville, and emailed the link around, and there he stays to this day, but I never laughed, mocked or taunted, I only expressed sadness that a "friend" would help do that to me. If he ever chose to contact me and admit regret and try to offer any apology, I would accept and take down the posting.

 

Your exMM and his BS went way too far, and I'm sorry for you that you had to deal with such a harsh consequence, particularly from someone just as guilty.

 

 

To be fair, xMM eventually deactivated his social media (while conversely BS switched her settings to 'public'), thus some of the more hurtful exchanges disappeared (at least temporarily). Whether he deactivated to spare me additional pain, I don't know (the A was six years). Someday I expect he will reactivate his account to re-engage with the online world and I may be emotionally triggered again, but hopefully I can smile and wish them both well.

You might not feel as much empathy as before, but I do appreciate your comments.

Edited April 12, 2014 by starchild699

[MissBee]

I was laughed at, mocked, taunted on social media after his dday for well over a year. Won't go into the details but many of BS' messages contained deliberate 'clues' he had let her read my emails after dday (undoubtedly after combing through and selectively deleting incriminating emails of his own). I also have evidence electronic surveillance was involved to access / keep tabs on me, thus they were both well aware of the trauma I was experiencing yet continued to make light of it. It was a cruel and deliberate campaign to continue rubbing my nose in it long after the bus had faded in the distance. Says more about them, than me.

 

Did you block them? Social media only has so much power, in that, if they are posting statuses and clues about you on different media, how would you see it for it to affect you if you weren't also looking?

 

One cannot "rub your nose" in it unless you're looking.

 

My exAP didn't use social media but in another breakup where my ex was heavily on it, I checked his statuses or it would pop up and I felt he was doing all kinds of things for my benefit/distress....then I realized, he's not calling me, sending me emails, showing up at my door etc...he is freely posting on HIS OWN page and I can block and delete him thus never seeing ANY of it and thus him doing all that would ultimately have no effect on me as I would never know...and that I did.

 

I think what they did was tacky, but a part of human nature, albeit base, and you cannot reasonably expect him and his BS with whom he's reconciling to be the ones to protect your feelings and be considerate of you...that is completely unrealistic. YOU had to be the advocate for yourself and it seemed like something that would have been easily remedied if you had opted to block and delete them and not look at what they are free to post and suggest.

Edited April 12, 2014 by MissBee

[Raena]

I was laughed at, mocked, taunted on social media after his dday for well over a year. Won't go into the details but many of BS' messages contained deliberate 'clues' he had let her read my emails after dday (undoubtedly after combing through and selectively deleting incriminating emails of his own). I also have evidence electronic surveillance was involved to access / keep tabs on me, thus they were both well aware of the trauma I was experiencing yet continued to make light of it. It was a cruel and deliberate campaign to continue rubbing my nose in it long after the bus had faded in the distance. Says more about them, than me.

 

What's interesting is that the OW in my situation did and is still doing exactly what you described. She spends her time making fun of me on social media and still hasn't stopped (nearly 6 months later). The time between the sarcastic, rub it in your face, smear campaign has slowed down but she's STILL doing it. It was from the things she posted that I realized the lies my ex had told her about me. She believed all sorts of crazy stuff about me. I guess she HAD to believe that stuff so that she could justify continuing to sleep with a man who was lying to be with her and destroying our family in the process. It became obvious to me that the two of them had several conversations about me and not much of it was very nice. I think it actually hurt worse to see the things she said rather than to just end the relationship and move on. How DARE she run her mouth about me when SHE was the one who was involved in an affair?

 

One other point I'd like to make is that if it is only the BS making these statements about you in social media then don't assume they are both laughing about you. It may be that SHE is laughing about you because of what you did to her as a way to prove to the world that her husband made a mistake and to make herself feel better. Truthfully, she may not be laughing about you at all. She might be writing that stuff out of pain. The pain that your affair caused her.

[Raena]

So what about an OW who has invested years - six years in my case, that makes it real, every day every night contact, several times, what relationship has he had with her for six years? In my case NONE, just going through the motions. He has spent more time with me. So that is not real???? Invested, you talk of investment like you pay a deposit an that is yours for life. Get real.

 

Who is to say what is real.

 

I mean he can go home, but what is that? Who is to say what is a real relationship

 

What's real is that you have spent 6 years with a man who is still involved in a relationship with another woman. Why, if he's spending so much time with you, would he still be living with her? This doesn't make sense to me. Is it real? Well, yeah, he's really spending time with you but he's still with her! It's also real for her! Yikes...