How do you deal with another woman around your kids?

[SunnySide0418]

I've been divorced for a year now and am much happier. I have two boys 6 and 4 whom live with me and see their dad maybe twice a week. Of course he is already in a serious relationship and has been bringing her around my kids since November. I am really struggling dealing with another woman being around my kids. She is pretty much with them everytime they are with their dad. Women, how do you cope with this?

[d0nnivain]

I am not a mom. I dated one guy who had a young son. The son was 11 when we got together.

 

 

I tried to assure the mom that her son's safety was my primary concern. I asked if she had specific requirements. Bare in mind, we usually had these "conversations" when she was screaming at me on the phone or in my front yard. She was a bit unstable to put it mildly.

 

 

As much as your EX may be all sorts of bad things & however many bad feelings. . . hopefully you still trust his judgment enough & he's worthy of that trust to keep your kids safe. As long as she is kind to your children, try to take some small consolation in that.

[SunnySide0418]

Thanks .. she is good to my kids and they like her which I know is a good thing. I do take consolation in that. It's just a very difficult thing for me to deal with.

[ScarlettDaisy]

I had a hard time with this as my ex had his girlfriend moved in before I met her. Heck my kids (9&5) spent Christmas with them. She's good to them. Seems to genuinely care about them. My kids really like her so I've had to just suck it up. In my case, it's easier because they live 12 hours away. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you:(

[hurts1968]

I've been divorced for a year now and am much happier. I have two boys 6 and 4 whom live with me and see their dad maybe twice a week. Of course he is already in a serious relationship and has been bringing her around my kids since November. I am really struggling dealing with another woman being around my kids. She is pretty much with them everytime they are with their dad. Women, how do you cope with this?

 

 

 

Hi SunnySide0418, sort of in a similar situation but from the men's side!!, my STBXW left me for OM, my 3YO daughter is now living with them 4 days a week and that is now my overriding concern! I mentioned it in another thread.

 

How do you cope with your 3YO daughter around a strange man, my STBXW hasn't even know him for very long..matter of weeks!!!!

[Hope4thefuture]

I wish I knew how to help you. I am in a similar situation. We are separated, but he is dating someone. The kids have met her. It seems like every weekend he gets the boys he needs to see her too.

 

It is very difficult not to think about it. I want to scream at him for introducing the boys already. Especially since he said he wasn't even sure how serious he was about her. I just hope that they are being good to my boys.

 

The only thing that helps me is to focus all my energy on my boys when I have them. I tell them all the time that I love them. I want them to know they are number one in my life.

[M30USA]

I wish I knew how to help you. I am in a similar situation. We are separated, but he is dating someone. The kids have met her. It seems like every weekend he gets the boys he needs to see her too.

 

It is very difficult not to think about it. I want to scream at him for introducing the boys already. Especially since he said he wasn't even sure how serious he was about her. I just hope that they are being good to my boys.

 

The only thing that helps me is to focus all my energy on my boys when I have them. I tell them all the time that I love them. I want them to know they are number one in my life.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. I would just caution you about making your children TRULY number one in your life. We should love our children to death, but if we place our children above God, it actually becomes to their detriment. I think you're doing fine. I'm in the same boat. I'm just sharing what I've learned.

[SunnySide0418]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I would just caution you about making your children TRULY number one in your life. We should love our children to death, but if we place our children above God, it actually becomes to their detriment. I think you're doing fine. I'm in the same boat. I'm just sharing what I've learned.

 

 

My kids are number one in my life. Can you please explain what you mean by this?

[hurts1968]

My kids are number one in my life. Can you please explain what you mean by this?

 

 

Me too! My daughter is NO.1, always will be

[iris219]

You are their mother. There will never be another bond like that.

 

Be grateful they like his gf and she like them. Think of her as another person in your children's life who will care about them. Can children really have too many loving, caring people around them?

 

What is most difficult about the situation? I'm just curious about what you are struggling with exactly.

[SunnySide0418]

You are their mother. There will never be another bond like that.

 

Be grateful they like his gf and she like them. Think of her as another person in your children's life who will care about them. Can children really have too many loving, caring people around them?

 

What is most difficult about the situation? I'm just curious about what you are struggling with exactly.

 

 

If I'm being honest I guess part of me is scared they will prefer her to me. Even though I know I am the only mommy they have and no one can replace me but I still struggle with it. She is very good to them and they like her which I know is great. It could be much worse. I just have to keep telling myself that. I also tell myself she is like a friend to them. And having another person who cares about them is a good thing since it has to be this way.

Edited April 11, 2014 by SunnySide0418
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[amaysngrace]

I remember back then the thing that was most threatening to me was the thought that the Dad and his new wife would be able to provide a more "normal" environment by society's standards. I was afraid I'd lose them because I was just the single mom and what they had to offer together was more than I could ever provide alone.

 

Give it time. For now just be glad your kids are having a good time and seeing their Dad regularly. She'll never be their Mom. Only one person has that title and that is you.

 

Most times we think one thing and get it stuck in our head but usually it never happens that way because life shows up.

 

You're feeling vulnerable. Understandable. But it's a bad idea to read too much into anything while you are.

 

Focus on your children and how much they mean to you, not how much she means to them.

 

You've already won that contest because you're Mom.

[TheBladeRunner]

Thanks .. she is good to my kids and they like her which I know is a good thing. I do take consolation in that. It's just a very difficult thing for me to deal with.

 

In bold is what REALLY matters! I am not a woman, but the father of a young daughter. My ex has the same deal only with the BF. A few weeks ago my daughter went off on him with the "you're not my daddy" thing. I am and always have been confident my daughter is aware of who is who. I went over to the XW's house and basically "pumped up" the BF to my daughter. As hard as it was, I know the guy is a decent human being, is nice to my daughter, and his kids are OK too.

 

My point is that I would rather the XW be with a decent guy than some total D-Bagger that wouldn't be good to my little girl. It is still hard to deal with but we have to work with what we have.

[trippi1432]

If only all things could be like that Blade.

 

I probably had it lucky the first 9 years with my daughter...her daddy didn't want to see her until we were both forced into court to change the CS jurisdiction for state mandated CS payments which were in another city. I stopped asking him to see her when she was six..he had another kid and another one on the way and it was like talking to a friend who had kids..but you never made a play date...and he was her dad. I had no problems with his current wife...she met him after he messed up, actually felt sorry for her.

 

But when they both thought they were better parents than me when neither of them had parented her for 9 years...you can bet this woman was like a Lion ready to slaughter her prey. I was the only parent she knew for 9 years, it can be worse....not what you want to hear Sunny Side...been on the other side too, hoped the OW would be fair and good.

 

I think we need to go with the kids reactions, not ours. My son tried to accept his step-parent in the beginning...in reality, he'd probably accept me giving him a step-parent above his father and step-mother. He just tries to keep the peace.

 

On my daughter's side, she's had two step-mother's shoved in her face since she's finally gotten to know her dad after several absences..his choice. The older kids get, the less they put up with absent parents BS and their current, but soon to be forgotten, marriages.

 

I hope that one day there can be such thing as having a good relationship with the OW...exW..etc. I have one today with my first exH's second wife..and I had a great relationship with an exBF's exW. I knew how she felt....told her I wasn't here to replace her, her son would always be her son.

 

I don't get these people who think they are better than everyone else...that's my current exH and his AP HO...my son has wants his step mom to like him..but she only likes what is hers and what she controls...so...what do you do? Total D-Bagger's can be women too.

[hurts1968]

If only all things could be like that Blade.

 

I probably had it lucky the first 9 years with my daughter...her daddy didn't want to see her until we were both forced into court to change the CS jurisdiction for state mandated CS payments which were in another city. I stopped asking him to see her when she was six..he had another kid and another one on the way and it was like talking to a friend who had kids..but you never made a play date...and he was her dad. I had no problems with his current wife...she met him after he messed up, actually felt sorry for her.

 

But when they both thought they were better parents than me when neither of them had parented her for 9 years...you can bet this woman was like a Lion ready to slaughter her prey. I was the only parent she knew for 9 years, it can be worse....not what you want to hear Sunny Side...been on the other side too, hoped the OW would be fair and good.

 

I think we need to go with the kids reactions, not ours. My son tried to accept his step-parent in the beginning...in reality, he'd probably accept me giving him a step-parent above his father and step-mother. He just tries to keep the peace.

 

On my daughter's side, she's had two step-mother's shoved in her face since she's finally gotten to know her dad after several absences..his choice. The older kids get, the less they put up with absent parents BS and their current, but soon to be forgotten, marriages.

 

I hope that one day there can be such thing as having a good relationship with the OW...exW..etc. I have one today with my first exH's second wife..and I had a great relationship with an exBF's exW. I knew how she felt....told her I wasn't here to replace her, her son would always be her son.

 

I don't get these people who think they are better than everyone else...that's my current exH and his AP HO...my son has wants his step mom to like him..but she only likes what is hers and what she controls...so...what do you do? Total D-Bagger's can be women too.

 

 

 

Interesting thoughts, I'm sorry but I could't and I explained to my STBXW that the words, step parent, step dad, step sister etc even with step grandparents are a no go. My daughter has a mummy, daddy, she has a grown up brother, she already has sets of grandparents and she doesn't need anymore.

 

There people may be in her life but they are not her family.

 

Even though I hate the thought of her being near this OM i do hope she likes him, for her sake...but I will be there if he puts even a foot out of place!

[iris219]

Interesting thoughts, I'm sorry but I could't and I explained to my STBXW that the words, step parent, step dad, step sister etc even with step grandparents are a no go. My daughter has a mummy, daddy, she has a grown up brother, she already has sets of grandparents and she doesn't need anymore.

 

There people may be in her life but they are not her family.

 

Even though I hate the thought of her being near this OM i do hope she likes him, for her sake...but I will be there if he puts even a foot out of place!

 

So your uncle's wife is not your aunt?

 

Of course the person who your ex remarries becomes your children family, family by marriage, but still family. I don't see what's wrong with that. This doesn't replace their parents of course, but they gain new family.

[familygone]

I am a guy that is divorced from lying and cheating wife.I don't believe in step parents ,but there is nothing I can do.I just worry about my 7 year old daughter when she is with her that some guy I don't know nothing about ,.is around her.I know what she did ,and I just don't trust now.The crap she did.I think she is capable of anything.She is the mom and I am the dad and bringing other people around is going to be big problems.

I agree with [hurts1968] anything happens to her when see there there is going to be hell to pay!

Edited April 11, 2014 by familygone

[iris219]

I am a guy that is divorced from lying and cheating wife.I don't believe in step parents ,but there is nothing I can do.I just worry about my 7 year old daughter when she is with her that some guy I don't know nothing about ,.is around her.I know what she did ,and I just don't trust now.The crap she did.I think she is capable of anything.She is the mom and I am the dad and bringing other people around is going to be big problems.

I agree with [hurts1968] anything happens to her when see there there is going to be hell to pay!

 

What do you mean you don't "believe" in stepparents? You don't believe divorced people with children should remarry? They shouldn't have a chance at love, happiness, and stability with another person?

[hurts1968]

I am a guy that is divorced from lying and cheating wife.I don't believe in step parents ,but there is nothing I can do.I just worry about my 7 year old daughter when she is with her that some guy I don't know nothing about ,.is around her.I know what she did ,and I just don't trust now.The crap she did.I think she is capable of anything.She is the mom and I am the dad and bringing other people around is going to be big problems.

I agree with [hurts1968] anything happens to her when see there there is going to be hell to pay!

 

 

Hi familygone,

 

You're right, In no other walk of life would a strange man be around your kids without your permission!

 

Agree, as much as I still love my wife and want her back I don't trust her at all which includes her judgement about this OM,

 

My daughter is my daughter! She is small, vulnerable and has no say in what is happening, and apparently I am supposed to sit back and let it happen without any worry at all....well I don't think so!!

 

She has no need for a step anything, I have made my feeling clear to my STBXW and when I can be around her OM without my anger getting the better of me I will be making it clear to him too!

 

If ever I hear any of this new clan as much as talk to her out of line there will be more than hell to pay!!!! She is my blood, my life, my everything!

[hurts1968]

What do you mean you don't "believe" in stepparents? You don't believe divorced people with children should remarry? They shouldn't have a chance at love, happiness, and stability with another person?

 

 

 

I'm not saying that, what i mean is there will be no step dad....she has a dad, she can call him by his name and that will be enough!

 

I am her daddy, she only needs and has one

[iris219]

I'm not saying that, what i mean is there will be no step dad....she has a dad, she can call him by his name and that will be enough!

 

I am her daddy, she only needs and has one

 

Well, he will be her stepdad because that's what we call it in US society, but other than that what you've said is how stepfamilies work, unless the bio parent is completely absent.

 

You're her dad and no one else ever will be. It sounds like you're worrying prematurely. People who marry people with kids don't generally want to replace a child's bio parent and the child will never see another person as their mom or dad.

[hurts1968]

Well, he will be her stepdad because that's what we call it in US society, but other than that what you've said is how stepfamilies work, unless the bio parent is completely absent.

 

You're her dad and no one else ever will be. It sounds like you're worrying prematurely. People who marry people with kids don't generally want to replace a child's bio parent and the child will never see another person as their mom or dad.

 

 

We do in the UK too...It's very raw and sudden so i guess I am very emotional about it right now!

But, that said he will still never be her stepdad, never!!!