Men - question for you

[lonely_tx]

Hey guys, I need some advice. A bit about us. Husband and I have been married for 4 years. Things were great at first. Then, it's like he just got too comfortable and our relationship has turned into nothing more than a glorified roommate situation. He sleeps on the sofa by choice (he snores reallllllly loud, like 89 decibels loud, and he was tired of me waking him), we never have any sort of intimate contact (besides a peck on the lips) which I attribute to his weight gain. I've tried talking to him about us, but he sees me as nagging him and not pleading for help. This morning, we had the following discussion:

 

Me: Are you still happy being married to me?

Him: Yeah.

Me: If you weren't, would you tell me?

Him: If I wasn't happy, I'd move out. Duh. (He has a dry sense of humor.)

 

I am on the verge of sucking it up and throwing in the towel. I don't know what he's getting from our relationship, other than having someone to take care of the finances. I'm certainly not getting companionship or sex from him.

 

Anyway, I discovered the "run away wife syndrome" and it fit my situation to a T. My question to the guys is... what could your wife/girlfriend say to you to make you realize she's not just nagging... but seriously concerned about the future of your relationship... and may leave if things don't change?

[M30USA]

You haven't given any valid reason for leaving. Try counseling. I think you need a little perspective.

[lonely_tx]

You haven't given any valid reason for leaving. Try counseling. I think you need a little perspective.

 

We haven't had sex in over 2.5 years... when I try to spend time with him, he ends up playing on his phone or laptop. We live like roommates... he sleeps on the sofa rather than with me and has for those same 2.5 years. Are those reasons not enough?

[M30USA]

We haven't had sex in over 2.5 years... when I try to spend time with him, he ends up playing on his phone or laptop. We live like roommates... he sleeps on the sofa rather than with me and has for those same 2.5 years. Are those reasons not enough?

 

Those are reasons for counselling. Don't use divorce as an option.

[lonely_tx]

Those are reasons for counselling. Don't use divorce as an option.

 

I've suggested counselling. He sees it along the same lines as my talks with him... me nagging and not at all serious.

[M30USA]

I've suggested counselling. He sees it along the same lines as my talks with him... me nagging and not at all serious.

 

So then go yourself. In my situation, my ex-wife forced ME to go. I went. She didn't. She thought I had all the problems and only I needed to go.

[lonely_tx]

So then go yourself. In my situation, my ex-wife forced ME to go. I went. She didn't. She thought I had all the problems and only I needed to go.

 

Going alone... that can't be conducive to repairing a damaged relationship. Even if she thought you had all of the problems... I can't imagine that being beneficial.

[Movingforward2]

Don't file divorce. It sucks. There are so many other ways to work through things. My wife was you 9 months ago.....I never listened, thought she was nagging, etc. We went to counseling 2x, and I didn't take it seriously thinking everything was fine. The DAY she filed divorce, my life changed. I immediately got my stuff together. Initially, I did it for her, but I had to do it for myself.

 

Now your situation being a little different (we had sex)........I would ask for you to try everything. If you haven't had sex in 2.5 years, then initiate it. Do something crazy. Let him come home from work, and you are there completely naked.....I don't see how married couples can go years without having sex.......I'm divorced and my XW and I still have sex (which is a whole other story, and why I have to keep posting....LOL).....if that doesn't get his attention, then filing divorce will. But there are SO many resources out here to save your marriage, I would do almost everything to save it. Wish I would have listened. I miss my kids, my house, my "old" life so bad........and wish my wife would have communicated to me in a way that I would have listened. I was so naive to believe that she would never leave because I had a ring on her finger and "til death do us part", our lifestyle, our kids, etc. But it takes 2 to make it work. And if he doesn't want it bad enough, then that's on him....not you.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[jwi71]

. My question to the guys is... what could your wife/girlfriend say to you to make you realize she's not just nagging... but seriously concerned about the future of your relationship... and may leave if things don't change?

 

"I am not happy with the state of our M and I want to discuss our future together. I'd like to take time and discuss "us"..."

 

His answer/reaction will tell you all you need to know.

[lonely_tx]

and wish my wife would have communicated to me in a way that I would have listened. I was so naive to believe that she would never leave because I had a ring on her finger and "til death do us part".

 

And that's what I'm trying to find out here... what can I say to him to make him realize that I am not happy and drowning in our marriage?

 

In what way can I communicate to him in a way that he will listen?

[Popsicle]

My xH didn't listen to me either and we need up divorced.

[lonely_tx]

My xH didn't listen to me either and we need up divorced.

 

See... that's what I'm afraid of. If I mention all of my frustrations again, he's just going to see it as me nagging him for sex or for him to spend more time with me... and not see that I'm extending the olive branch one last time.

[carhill]

My question to the guys is... what could your wife/girlfriend say to you to make you realize she's not just nagging... but seriously concerned about the future of your relationship... and may leave if things don't change?

 

'I'm afraid of what appears to be happening to our marriage and I'd like you to join me in MC to help resolve that fear. I've made an appointment.'

 

Listen. Keep the appointment, regardless of his response. Work your process in counseling, with or without him there. Give it a couple months of consistent work, then see where you are. If he doesn't participate/is non-responsive, then take next steps. Don't threaten; no ultimatums. Simply have him served and keep the door open for counseling and/or mediation.

[Movingforward2]

And that's what I'm trying to find out here... what can I say to him to make him realize that I am not happy and drowning in our marriage?

 

In what way can I communicate to him in a way that he will listen?

 

Plenty of suggestions thus far. Ask him to go on a date. Do the Love Dare. There are a lot of resources. My wife tried, and when she filed is the day I woke up. I've read, researched, done everything possible to straighten it out. We were divorced in less than 100 days because I did not want to fight with her anymore. I just wanted to resume normal life. I'm still not there, but working on it each day. Sometimes, I think most women that file that are walk-away-wives....with no affair, give up too easy. There is a way to get a man's attention. I know my XW gave up too easy, and I hate that. But she made the decision, and my goal is to make her regret it everyday she has to look at it.

[trippi1432]

How about trying something different??

 

You see, this doesn't work:

 

Me: Are you still happy being married to me?

Him: Yeah.

Me: If you weren't, would you tell me?

Him: If I wasn't happy, I'd move out. Duh. (He has a dry sense of humor.)

 

He can't read your mind of what you need, you need to tell him what you want. What you did wrong here was make it about HIS happiness and not YOURS as well. Doesn't it take two people to make a relationship?

 

He was actually being honest...if he wasn't happy, he'd leave. You asked him a direct question and you got a direct answer (he's only a man)...but you didn't really ask him the question you were thinking did you? What's really bothering you....your fear is if he happy with YOU...of course he is, the reality is you don't like what is becoming and it needs to change...for both of you. He doesn't realize that because he is just happy the way things are.

 

Asking for what you need from a man is not nagging, you just have to ask the right way.

 

oh...sorry, I'm not a man....just noticed the topic..will shut up now.

[lonely_tx]

How about trying something different??

 

You see, this doesn't work:

 

Me: Are you still happy being married to me?

Him: Yeah.

Me: If you weren't, would you tell me?

Him: If I wasn't happy, I'd move out. Duh. (He has a dry sense of humor.)

 

He can't read your mind of what you need, you need to tell him what you want. What you did wrong here was make it about HIS happiness and not YOURS as well. Doesn't it take two people to make a relationship?

 

He was actually being honest...if he wasn't happy, he'd leave. You asked him a direct question and you got a direct answer (he's only a man)...but you didn't really ask him the question you were thinking did you? What's really bothering you....your fear is if he happy with YOU...of course he is, the reality is you don't like what is becoming and it needs to change...for both of you. He doesn't realize that because he is just happy the way things are.

 

Asking for what you need from a man is not nagging, you just have to ask the right way.

 

oh...sorry, I'm not a man....just noticed the topic..will shut up now.

 

Asking him that wasn't my attempt at 'talking' about us, but for me to see what he thought of us. In my mind, I can't imagine a man being happy without sex and being married to the equivalent of a roommate... but I'm not a man.

[trippi1432]

Men typically can be happy in any scenario, depends on the man....again, I will shut up now. LOL! I think more men need to weigh in on this discussion.

 

Not laughing at your situation Lonely_tx....I was in your shoes a year ago with a boyfriend...I'm not anymore, but I thought along the same lines as you.

Edited April 9, 2014 by trippi1432

[carhill]

Asking him that wasn't my attempt at 'talking' about us, but for me to see what he thought of us. In my mind, I can't imagine a man being happy without sex and being married to the equivalent of a roommate... but I'm not a man.

Depends on the man. Some men are happy having a companion and gain comfort from not feeling alone.

 

Have you ever seen him demonstrably unhappy about anything?

[Grumpybutfun]

As a man, I wouldn't be happy in this situation. Try one more time to engage him in playful conversation, invite him out with you alone somewhere, seduce him. If he says no, if he refuses you, if he rejects all of this, then you can act as you see fit. It takes two people to be in a relationship, and he has checked out. He is taking you for granted, he is blind to what he is losing with you.

If he is doing nothing, then he doesn't want to do anything. Give him a list of expectations (I need sex, for you to not treat me like I am a nag when I express my concerns to you, quality time for us alone, date night, foreplay and passionate kisses, cuddle and have intimacy in our bed until we are ready to go to sleep, whatever you need) and ask him to write out a list of his needs for you. If he isn't aware of what you need after four years, then you might have to spell it out for him. Go over each others list and figure out if you need to compromise on certain things but don't let him decimate your intimacy needs. You cant get that anywhere except your marriage so he needs to fulfill that need. Other things you might want to consider....Is he having an affair? Is he gay? Are there things you have done to him like affairs or lies or overspending where he cannot forgive you? Have you fought about your kids all your marriage or taken sides with your kids? If all of those are negative and you have tried to engage him, ask for exactly what you want, give him your list and receive his, negotiate on needs, and if he still wont participate in that, then you have to say...

 

 

"I feel very bewildered that we no longer connect. I am not trying to nag you but to let you know this is what I am feeling. I worry because we no longer are intimate, we no longer spend quality time together and we don't talk like we used to. I feel alone in this relationship and I feel unwanted and unloved. I tried to seduce you and I was rejected, I asked you out and I was rejected, I have tried to talk to you about things that I thought you liked and I was rejected. At this point, I am concerned about our future. Marriage is a connection of two people and right now, I don't feel like you are in this with me. I think it is best if we go to MC together and try to work on this before things get decidedly worse."

 

 

If he refuses, you go on your own to IC and don't say anything else about it. He is done. Start living your life separate from him, give him time to miss you, to see what it would be like without you. If he doesn't respect you enough to discuss your marriage with you, then he doesn't value your marriage. One person cannot make a marriage work no matter how hard you try.If he is happy in that space, you move on. Get a lawyer and stop being an acquaintance to your own husband whom he doesn't even notice in his home anymore. Neglect is insidious and hurtful so that is enough of a reason to divorce if the other partner treats you like you barely exist.

 

I'm not a big fan in staying in a one sided marriage. You erode your self esteem and waste your one life on Earth tied to someone who treats you like you are an acquaintance and it isn't healthy. Sure, try counseling but if your husband wont even discuss things without acting like you are a nagging, aggravating wife, I have a feeling he isn't disturbed by your marriage moving into acquaintance zone.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited April 9, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[trippi1432]

Men are just as moody as women...don't succumb to a sterotype in your marriage. You have a voice. Grumps first paragraph....my last exBF...it was kids. Plain and simple and he put us in roommate mode. Had another ex-FWB who put me in instant friend mode......the point is, your his wife. You are mistaking nagging from basic essentials.

 

See, you can hire a nice, sexy sweaty man to come change a light bulb because asking your husband twice could be considered nagging, you could change it yourself and be empowered.....or you could say don't worry Hun....dressed in a nice negligee..I've called in someone to take care of that.

 

The negligent husband might not get that ...and he is a roommate.

[BetrayedH]

I am not happy in this relationship. I am seriously considering separation and divorce. This is my last olive branch to you. I have scheduled marriage counseling for us on xx date. Be there and at our subsequent appointments or my next appointment will be for a divorce consultation.

 

I bet he shows up. If he doesn't, keep to your word and feel good knowing that he had an opportunity to fix the marriage and he chose not to.

 

Like a previous poster, I also did not grasp the extent to which my wife was unhappy until she told me that she wanted to separate - and then I moved mountains. It sucks that it took an ultimatum for me to change my behaviors but to be perfectly honest, much of it was also on her for not communicating clearly. I am not a mind-reader.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Good luck OP. Just ... Be really clear and state what you want, what the problems are as you see them, how things could be better.

 

Be clear. Men cannot read minds for intent.

[Steadfast]

Like a previous poster, I also did not grasp the extent to which my wife was unhappy until she told me that she wanted to separate - and then I moved mountains. It sucks that it took an ultimatum for me to change my behaviors but to be perfectly honest, much of it was also on her for not communicating clearly. I am not a mind-reader.

 

Well said, as was Trippi's first post. Both are worth following. I will however, back away from the MC suggestion. Too many quacks to recommend that. There's really good and really bad. You won't find out until after you pay. If you really need that ask around. Do your homework.

 

I believe most people have it within themselves to solve their own problems if they are willing to do the work and it's truly important to them. One needs common sense and honesty, plus realizing that control isn't the answer. Nor is it love. Do not control, do not allow yourself to be controlled. The golden rule is better. The magic of love is our willingness to give one to the other. Who sits down and bargains love with their lover?

 

As for your husband, my hunch is that he's really angry. Perhaps at you, or himself, or both. It's possible your complaints about his snoring went deeper than you realize. It is shocking just how many couples are effected by this. His weight might be another touchy subject. Regardless, no intimacy will destroy a relationship. In that way, he's destroying yours.

 

I can almost promise you that he isn't happy.

 

One last tip: most men hate hearing 'we have to talk'. It either scares the crap out of them, or bores them to tears. Men respond much better to an honest request for help..."Husband, I need you to help me. I'm scared!"

 

Don't forget that men are really, really dumb.

[hoping2heal]

We haven't had sex in over 2.5 years... when I try to spend time with him, he ends up playing on his phone or laptop. We live like roommates... he sleeps on the sofa rather than with me and has for those same 2.5 years. Are those reasons not enough?

 

Have you said this to him? I'm not sure how you presented the information or what was said but have you told him how you're feeling and that you feel ready to throw in the towel?

 

If you have clearly communicated to him how you feel and he isn't responsive, I would think that is the big problem; not his snoring or overlooking you left and right. I mean a man can learn to pay more attention and be more sensitive to the needs of his wife, but if he is not willing to even acknowledge..that's a big problem.

[familygone]

I would say to him you are considering a divorce.That might be all you need to do to see what his reaction is. don't give up and get a divorce work on the marriage if you can.Everybodys situation is different .Mine gave up and wanted a divorce put the blame on me so she could cheat and lie .She didn't want to sit down and talk about at all,i would have done it for sure.. Funny after all of what she did I still wish sometimes we where still a family. We have 1 daughter together,and the thing I hate most of all is alternating weekends with her its like she is a package getting past back and forth.And what the ex did I just cant be around her at all.I don't want to sound evil,but sometimes I wish we didn't have daughter so she doesn't have to go through the crap a divorce brings on.