Kids, divorce and college

[trippi1432]

There are truly times when I am glad that I am divorced, but sad that I picked so stupidly for my children. The college challenge is one of them....as it always falls to me. One day, I would like to make a man pregnant and leave him so he has to carry the emotional and financial burden alone.

[Misadventure]

You know what.. but the kids will remember.. they will see that their mother stood strong and by them while their father was not a father.

[Still-I-Rise]

Trippi :-(

 

Not all men are like your ex and you did not choose a bad father for your children. You chose a man who turned out to be a bad father. How could you have known the future without a crystal ball?

 

Hang in there because your rewards are coming and remember there are men who stand by their children just as much as some women.

 

There is a poster on Loveshack, Grumps (?), who comes across as a loving and supportive man and father. They do exist!

 

It is natural to want to hurt when we have been hurt or at least wish our pain on another. So go ahead and do so but something tells me if you were a man, you would do the same as you are doing now. What makes us who we are resides on the inside.

[trippi1432]

You know what hurts the most...I was so close to my dad growing up, I can't imagine not knowing a dad for either of my kids..but even more embarrassing is when your own son favors someone else's father to learn how to be a man.

 

I identified so much with my dad, my own daughter had to identify with her grandmother, her grandfather and me....she had no dad. I always had a dad...he only let me down once and that hurt enough...I can't imagine what she has gone through.

 

Divorce is not fun...it's not about leaving your kids behind, it's not about divorcing your wife because you want to be free and screw someone else,well now your kids don't exist. Sorry, if your new squeeze doesn't want kids.....a man should be as much as a package deal as you are..hello??

[amaysngrace]

Boy can I relate!

 

My kids have no time for him and I'm sure it's the direct result of him having no time for them.

 

I use to worry about their self-esteem when they were younger but I'm glad they are finally old enough to realize that there is nothing wrong with them...only him.

 

Hang in there Trippi! Be glad that you got the best that he ever had to offer...

 

...his sperm...

[Els]

Why didn't you file for child support, Trippi?

 

You may have to bear the emotional burden alone, but the financial burden could have been shared.

[Steen719]

I know what you mean, Trippi. My son is about to graduate after 5 years with a degree in electrical engineering. My XH has given him $600 in the last 3 years. He does not have a lot to give, but then neither do I, but I work 2 jobs to help him. When we sold property, he gave him that $600 and that is it. I try to encourage my son to have a relationship with XH and that is better than it was, but my son knows who has been there for him and tells me so. He remembers the first year when XH was so wrapped up with gf that he basically forgot he had a son. He couldn’t manage to come 4 hours to see his son on father’s day. I took my son out to dinner. His dad then tried to say my son didn’t have time for him. Really? Like we don’t know the real story, my son wasn’t there to say when he could see him? It hurt my son and he will not forget that. Unfortunately, that will be part of the legacy his cheating father leaves him. I am grateful that my son recognizes the behavior as unacceptable, but the entire thing hurts all who were involved.

I wish the old adage was true and that I had married my father (so to speak). He wasn’t perfect, but he was an honest man.

[trippi1432]

Why didn't you file for child support, Trippi?

 

You may have to bear the emotional burden alone, but the financial burden could have been shared.

 

Hi Elswyth - It was supposed to be shared, ex agreed up front to pay $500/mth and he did for about 3 months. He had his AP write the check and I happily signed my married name on the back of them. :laugh:

 

After a few months, he stopped paying it and said that he figured I needed to get an order (I'm sure his AP had something to do with that). So I got an order and our separation papers in order and he "offered" up that perhaps we should both just do what we can for our son and leave it at that. I knew that he would never pay it and I really didn't want the hassle of dealing with court every month to get him to pay, so I agreed. In fact, after some school refusal issues with our son, I sent our son to go live with them. When the ex brought up money, I just reminded him of our agreement.

 

My ex goes by the basic essentials. He would help 50/50 with school supplies and clothes but no extras. In the meantime, the AP's son (who is only a year younger) would get xBox's, Wi's, games...everything his heart desired.....that was a really stressful time, and it really made our son green with envy.

 

I can't say I was a perfect parent during this time either as I am guilty of buying him stuff he wants trying to make up for what his dad wouldn't do, that's not right either....but I do make him work for it.

 

But we get to this college thing and it just infuriates me that here I am, going through this alone like I did raising my daughter. I know I'm not the only one going through it and it's not that I miss my ex (to be honest, even with him here, I'd still be going through it alone). It's the principal of the matter, it's his only child....his son that he wanted so badly.

 

I know what you mean, Trippi. My son is about to graduate after 5 years with a degree in electrical engineering. My XH has given him $600 in the last 3 years. He does not have a lot to give, but then neither do I, but I work 2 jobs to help him. When we sold property, he gave him that $600 and that is it. I try to encourage my son to have a relationship with XH and that is better than it was, but my son knows who has been there for him and tells me so. He remembers the first year when XH was so wrapped up with gf that he basically forgot he had a son. He couldn’t manage to come 4 hours to see his son on father’s day. I took my son out to dinner. His dad then tried to say my son didn’t have time for him. Really? Like we don’t know the real story, my son wasn’t there to say when he could see him? It hurt my son and he will not forget that. Unfortunately, that will be part of the legacy his cheating father leaves him. I am grateful that my son recognizes the behavior as unacceptable, but the entire thing hurts all who were involved.

I wish the old adage was true and that I had married my father (so to speak). He wasn’t perfect, but he was an honest man.

 

Steen - Congrats on your son getting through it all and coming out with that degree. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my son sticks with this. The fact is, there would have been very little effort on my exH's part to fill out the financial aid forms.....but he couldn't even do that. Our son went and spent the night at their house the other night because his dad called and wondered why his son hadn't called him in 3 weeks....guess it's good he reaches out to him when he thinks about him. I've heard that one too from his dad. "my son doesn't have time for me" and I've gotten the drunk texts from him pitying himself that his wished his son loved him more. That was back when they would fight and he would tell his dad to get his head out of the Lil Princesses A**!! :lmao:

 

I come on here and see all these men out there who do spend time with their kids, it's important to them, they put their kids first. I'm wondering if it's just cheating men who leave their wives that divorce both the wife and the kids?? It seems the men who were cheated on by WAS are the ones that truly care about their kids. I worry a lot too....what kind of father he will be one day as his father has treated him very much like his own father did.

 

I'm just preparing myself for the book fees...hopefully financial aid will help .....but I know if I say "Why don't you ask your dad to help?" will be a mute point. Our son already says he doesn't ask anymore because his dad always says he's broke...and now he feels like they are getting along, so he doesn't want to rock the boat and upset his father. Nice...he's learning...yep, walk on eggshells.

 

Thanks all for letting me vent, and for the encouragement.

[hotgurl]

Why would you have to deal with court each month? n my state you had it over and the state collects on my behalf. If the ex is working a regular job the state will garnish his wages.

 

As far as college goes if you don't have a decree you might be screwed.You should really think about it because unless you are living in poverty or your son is in the top 10% you really don't get aid anymore.

[trippi1432]

Why would you have to deal with court each month? n my state you had it over and the state collects on my behalf. If the ex is working a regular job the state will garnish his wages.

 

As far as college goes if you don't have a decree you might be screwed.You should really think about it because unless you are living in poverty or your son is in the top 10% you really don't get aid anymore.

 

The state collects on your behalf in my state too, they would also petition for him to show cause if he gets behind on payments/loses job...etc. My exH stopped holding down a steady job shortly after he left our marriage, therefore I would have to also show up in court every time they summoned him. This is also why he "negotiated" that we "work together" in making sure our son was taken care of ourselves and not involve the court previously. Our son has graduated High School and aged out for CS anyway, and in my state, you cannot petition in court for a spouse to help pay for college expenses. Despite it all, it worked out even though it was sickening to hear when I would say, "Why don't you ask your dad?", I'd hear from our son...."Dad's always broke mom, he gives all his money to his wife".

 

At any rate, it is tough to get financial aid (free financial aid that is) and no, he wouldn't qualify based on my income. I make a decent income, but am also still paying off the joint debt and divorce the exH left behind (as he never would have paid his share of the debt and yes, my attorney informed me if he didn't they would come after me). My exH's bankruptcy that I stuck by him through, was discharged right before he left our marriage.....therefore he could file it again and if a spouse file BK in the middle of a divorce, they other spouse is required to pay. I know this as he convinced his AP to go bankrupt and her exH had to pay all the joint debt.

 

So our son's "college fund", which was the equity in my home, is halfway paid off now (was used for divorce and to consolidate joint debt). This was my negotiating point when our son went to live with his dad due to school refusal. I sent him to live with his dad in the 10th grade and his father tried to pull the "I think I should get Child Support".....after he hadn't been paying it for over a year. I was already paying $500/mth to cover the crap he left behind, I told him he could take it up with the court, I would gladly enforce my order for back support.....and reminded him of my 10 year debt for marrying his sorry A**.

 

The least his father could do was use his income status to help our son apply for Pell Grants and Stafford loans. As much as he cries poverty, together they can't make as much as I do. He told his son he would do anything to help....then backed out the other night stating that they make more money than me so it would look better for him if I applied under my income. His reasoning was that I had less disposable income (the moron)....the application doesn't go on disposable income, it uses your tax return. So I did the apps under my income status....he gets some aid, but I hope it's enough to get him through. The problem with those funds is if they don't cover an entire semester, you could wind up having to pull out of pocket or wait until the next semester's funds kick in....I just don't want him to get discouraged....but now that I KNOW his dad and step-mother make more than me, by their own admission, time for Daddy Poverty Bucks to help out his kid.

 

Our son was 13 when his father and I split up, people say it's easier when the kids are older and I've heard from both my exH and my own father that they felt the kid was old enough to handle it....no, they aren't really. They are set in their security (even when the foundation is cracked) on having two people who care about them and want to see them succeed. My side, do everything you can to succeed, stay in school...go to college, do something you love to do and pursue that as an education. The men in my exH's family....their motto is find a woman to take care of you....and don't forget the beer!! Sheesh!!

 

Oh...wait!! Stop the presses...I was just informed that Little Miss Princess just graduated from Community College with her first degree at 45 years old and knows the ropes of this financial aid thing. :laugh:

 

I was already doing that as a single mom at 23 Hun...when you do the hard work to earn the other two degrees after an AA, come have an intelligent conversation....nah....WTF!! They both deserve each other. I just hate that my son is frustrated that his loans won't help him without someone else paying for it (which would be me).....in the meantime, she and his own father will make sure her loser of a son gets everything he wants....oh, wait!! This just in...her son moved about a month ago (about the time her exH kicked them out of HIS house), he went back to live with his dad. I seem to learn these things when everything comes to a head....like a really bad pimple (pun intended).

 

Part of this thread is I'm sick of the chaos...I'm sick of the drama...I'm sick of his father's poor excuses and sick of having them turned on me. Those last two paragraphs are my son's drama that someone needs to make this right for him and how is he going to get this done.....I wondered the same thing too, working a full time job with a 3 year old daughter as a single mom making minimum wage and driving 2 hours a day to get to school.........YOU SURVIVE IT....and come out better for it somewhere....that's the part I'm still trying to figure out.

[hotgurl]

WEll that sucks.

 

I just went through financial aid myself. The custodial parent files their income and if married their spouses income as well. In a 50% 50% split they go with the higher earner. So most likely it would have been your income anyways.

 

Colleges set it up so you get the least amount of aid possible.

 

Personally If you son is not sure of what he wants to do community college is a good choice.

 

 

Good luck and I feel you. My ex never works wither but he is still on the hook someday we might see some money.

[Yasuandio]

What's your son's position? I recall him having a real attitude with you not that long ago. At the cost of college these days - it's almost becoming a privilidge. How are his grades?

 

What about a junior college for an Associate Degree with basic coursework that can transfer over to the 4 year institution once he proves himself? He can live at him and work while he does that.

 

I had an attitude - and that's how my parents, short on money, dealt with me. I went to William Rainey Harper College, took all the 2 year basics, and graduated with A.A. Degree. Every single course transfers to University of Wisconsin - Madison, where I earn my B.S. Two years later.

 

I think if I had gone straight to Madison - it would have been a disaster. Those 2 years at Harper, with the little job, slowed me down a bit - and gave me time before I got around the party scene that is inescapable at universities and colleges. Just an idea. Yas

[trippi1432]

I've talked to him about the community college circuit.....have even talked to him about his effort and his grades in HS and how he's going to have to cough up some $$$. Community College would be good if he wanted to pursue Business or Auto Tech, two things he has talked about. But what he wants to do is Game Design. Several years ago when I couldn't get him interested in anything other than moving to NY to play games, I offered this as an alternative for him to actually make a real living. One of the largest game design firms is in the state we live in.

 

So he has found an online university that other game design architects have told him about, I still don't know if it's the best, but I'd prefer he follow something he is truly interested in. I really don't ever see him being that kid that gets into the University experience and all the partying. I don't really think he will ever drink to be honest.....he doesn't want to be like his dad. But is he a charmer like his dad who likes to get his way.....now that one, yes. But he's also met Mom's 10 ft tall wall and boot up the butt on that....so, things have changed dramatically. What hasn't changed.....is that his dad would prefer to see me separated from my wallet before he will be.

 

So, son is going to have about $8k a year (2 years) out of pocket. Now that we know Daddy Warbucks & Lil Princess make more money than me, guess it's time he coughed up some fundage for his son's classes.

 

Believe me Yas, son has seen what life could be like....sending him to live with his dad and the AP was the best lesson in life I could teach him when learning respect for both homes. Just because his dad could walk all over me, did not give him license to. It's going to come to a head though when her son goes to college next year because his father will be doing what he can to help his step-son to stay in favor with his wife, while he lets his own son go to the wayside.

 

There has been a lot of things our son has said about both of us about how we don't care, have been unfair.....etc...and a lot said about the step-mom and her putting herself and her kids first. That one I almost do believe when she raised H*ll over our son's dad wanting to stay with him in ICU...what kind of person does that and makes it about them?? His attitude is better, it's his frustration that worries me, I don't want him to "give up", I want to see him succeed.

[Shocked Suzie]

You know what.. but the kids will remember.. they will see that their mother stood strong and by them while their father was not a father.

 

 

Well said and I have been told the same... I also say to myself that after everything that has happened I'm fortunate to be able to be the role model...

 

It's hard at time tho hey! And very frustrating

 

Hugs

SS x

[Shocked Suzie]

You know what hurts the most...I was so close to my dad growing up, I can't imagine not knowing a dad for either of my kids..but even more embarrassing is when your own son favors someone else's father to learn how to be a man.

 

I identified so much with my dad, my own daughter had to identify with her grandmother, her grandfather and me....she had no dad. I always had a dad...he only let me down once and that hurt enough...I can't imagine what she has gone through.

 

Divorce is not fun...it's not about leaving your kids behind, it's not about divorcing your wife because you want to be free and screw someone else,well now your kids don't exist. Sorry, if your new squeeze doesn't want kids.....a man should be as much as a package deal as you are..hello??

 

 

I hear ya!! I can't begin to think how the children feel inside, my daughter was so close to her dad! Now nothing... Do they not think what effect it has on a child!?!

 

I will never understand so sad

[Yasuandio]

Many times kids are in school a couple years before they even know what they wanna do. I think it's great your son has a goal and motivation towards a growing field this early on! That is fab! And you don't have to pay a dorm room to do it! He is about to learn the lesson of life. Brovo so far. He has direction! And not a party animal. You can't complain about those qualities these days. Y