why do some ow think this...?

[goodyblue]

GS,

 

 

So why did he stay with her if he was so unloved, dishonoured and uncherished?

Why not just leave if he was so unhappy?

 

 

 

Yes, which is why he should have brought this perceived failure of hers to her attention, and discussed it.

 

 

 

So again, why did he stay in the marriage? Why did he not seek counselling, try to put things right?

 

All this says a lot more about his coping mechanism and ability to tackle relationship issues, than it does about her perceived lack of attention to his needs.

 

Um. Maybe he gave up after so long being alone. Lonely. Unloved. Maybe he tried. Maybe he didn't. Who knows.

 

I never said it was right. I'm simply saying, everyone acts like infidelity is worse. It isn't. It's a vow, and a vow is a vow is a vow.

[FoolishOW]

I will be utterly honest here. When I first arrived on LS I just wanted to share my pain, my outrage, my sense of the utter injustice of what had happened. Did I want advice ? Not really. I wanted to howl in pain and have others make it better. I wanted others to validate what I was experiencing. I read the OW forum with horror and anger. How could 'these women' believe this, do this, say this?

 

But LS has helped so much. I have understood that pain, betrayal, anger, resentment occurs on every side. Neither side has a monopoly. Just try to be kind and hold back the cruel words. It's made it easier but also harder, because it is easier to hate in simple terms than understand in complex terms.

 

 

As always, thoughtful wisdom is reflected in your post.

[spookysonata]

Um. Maybe he gave up after so long being alone. Lonely. Unloved. Maybe he tried. Maybe he didn't. Who knows.

 

I never said it was right. I'm simply saying, everyone acts like infidelity is worse. It isn't. It's a vow, and a vow is a vow is a vow.

 

What does this even mean?

Forsaking all others is a vow; having sex with someone outside your marriage is a pretty clear violation. Perhaps if you elaborate...?

[DKT3]

No, I get what was said, I simply don't feel the need to defend myself to someone saying I see women as not being equal or it being gender based.

 

 

Come on DKT, you're making this WAY too complicated and WAY too personal. I took your words verbatim. You've surrounded yourself with friends who cheat, while somehow claiming that it has NO reflection on your choice of friends. Not 1 wayward friend, not 2, but TONS! Your words, dude... Own it! These cheating friends, AND YOU, laugh, while "your boys" puff their chests and carry on about the ways in which they've "gotten over" on woman THEY'VE decided to cheat on their wives WITH.

 

 

SPIN it however you want...

 

I've been friends with most of these guys for 20+ years. 2 of them since I can remember being that our mothers were really good friends. Our friendship pre date marriage kids and cheating. So what your saying is because they took the infidelity road I should end my friendships?

 

There is 9 of us, 6 of who has cheated or is now cheating. We all played college football together so I will honestly say that the locker room dynamic within the group is still present.

 

However laughing at what they tell ap's and being ok with them cheating on their wives isn't the same. I've voiced my opinions, in one case we didn't speak for a year because he didn't like what I said to him.

 

I had a lot of personal conflict with the one who got the fake divorce papers because he is one of the two childhood friends and I've been friends with his wife since jr high. My ex wife and I (who is pretty close friends with his wife since high school) talked about telling her of the affair. At the end we decided we wouldn't.

 

At the end of the day, I don't control their cheating or the attitudes towards the AP's. I get that for OW this strikes a cord, and the thought that their MM may have or does do these things as well has them lashing out in anger at me for being involved. I've laughed and commented but I've never actually made fun of those women.

 

Now OW aren't innocent bystanders. It would be one thing if they didn't know this guys were married or had longterm GF's.

 

I guess I don't get how its ok to engage in cheating then expecting people to not react.

[Hope Shimmers]

However laughing at what they tell ap's and being ok with them cheating on their wives isn't the same.

 

OMG. Just.... wow.

 

So you're saying that it's okay that your friends treat their AP like trash because they are worth less than their wives?

[Speakingofwhich]

DKT3, this is the best post I've read of yours on LS!

 

I certainly don't have all the answers to your questions, or maybe answers that you may deem worthy to any of them. But, I will try to at least share with you some suggestions that you may or may not think applicable to your situation.

 

(I don't know why it seems to quote FoolishOW as making the post, somehow I've messed up the credit but think anyone can figure it out that the following is from DKT3's post)

 

 

I've been friends with most of these guys for 20+ years. 2 of them since I can remember being that our mothers were really good friends. Our friendship pre date marriage kids and cheating. So what your saying is because they took the infidelity road I should end my friendships? Absolutely not at this point, anyway!

 

There is 9 of us, 6 of who has cheated or is now cheating. We all played college football together so I will honestly say that the locker room dynamic within the group is still present. No comment!

 

However laughing at what they tell ap's and being ok with them cheating on their wives isn't the same. Not so, my friend! When you laugh at a remark someone makes, it is a signal of a type of approval you give I've voiced my opinions, in one case we didn't speak for a year because he didn't like what I said to him. This is not an easy one. It's tough to try to help someone by giving them one's opinion. Maybe try to get your mind in a state of humility and, yes, love! before speaking. Not saying you didn't, mind you! And, you can always pray about it before the big convo! God has the ability to reach into someone's thoughts and prepare them to hear what He wants them to know! If you believe you are doing the right thing by talking to your friend about an issue, though, then maybe a year off is what that friend needed to realize the seriousness of the sitch.

 

I had a lot of personal conflict with the one who got the fake divorce papers because he is one of the two childhood friends and I've been friends with his wife since jr high. My ex wife and I (who is pretty close friends with his wife since high school) talked about telling her of the affair. At the end we decided we wouldn't.Good that you cared enough to discuss with your W what you should do, and that you did what you thought best, not what you thought easiest!

 

At the end of the day, I don't control their cheating or the attitudes towards the AP's. No, but you do influence them, more than you probably realize. I get that for OW this strikes a cord, and the thought that their MM may have or does do these things as well has them lashing out in anger at me for being involved.This is not a part of the issue with me at all. I wouldn't like it if you were laughing at them ridiculing anyone for anything. Ridicule is such a weak thing to do; so crass and so unnecessary. I've laughed and commented but I've never actually made fun of those women. Laughing at the comments IS making fun of them.

 

Now OW aren't innocent bystanders.No one is an innocent bystander, DKT3. All of us have done wrong things, including you. On this earth we are "all in the same boat." And we have to help each other through the things we face here, not ridicule each other (which is a way of looking down one's nose at another person, trying to make oneself feel superior, when one is not!. "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone." It would be one thing if they didn't know this guys were married or had longterm GF's.

 

I guess I don't get how its ok to engage in cheating then expecting people to not react.

The same way, when someone belches in polite company you act as if you didn't notice. It's just plain courtesy. But, if it's someone you love and they don't know they shouldn't do it, you talk to them in private about it. Same thing with cheating. If someone you love is cheating, pray for them about it and God may open up a way for you to speak with them about it. And He may not. He may have someone else do it in answer to your prayers.

 

You never have to, or should, condone it. But, try to help them realize they can live a better life. Who knows? It may be YOU who has opportunity one day to influence some of these ladies who are having As with your friends. But, you'll never be able to influence them if you are laughing at them being ridiculed, even if it's behind their backs.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[Arieswoman]

HS,

After thinking about my question to you "why are you here" I realize it probably came off as me implying you don't belong here. I apologize profusely because that wasn't what I meant at all. I just didn't think it through very well before posting, to realize how it might sound.

No problem.

On these boards everything is very sterile and we lack the ability to see others face-to-face. We miss the litle clues from body language and tone of voice that aid communication.

 

What I really meant was to ask what you feel you are getting out of these discussions, given your experience - a genuine question out of curiosity.

 

1. As A BS who divorced, (and remarried later - not to WS !!) a person who was divorced and dating, and a person friends with both other BSs and OWs I feel I have some experience in this area. I hope that giving my perspective it might help others and stop them making some of the mistakes I did/have seen.

2. Even though it is many years since my first marriage ended I can still learn about the mechanics of human relationships.

3. Because I am so far past all the negative emotions associated with being a BS I believe I can contribute to a rational discussion.

4. I like discussion boards - this isn't the only one I engage with.

[Sub]

There is 9 of us, 6 of who has cheated or is now cheating. We all played college football together so I will honestly say that the locker room dynamic within the group is still present.

 

At some point you have to realize that this locker-room atmosphere is probably contributing to the sense of entitlement, which I'm going to assume was there when you were in college. Just speaking for myself, but if I had an entire group of friends where A's were rampant, I'd probably distance myself. Time for everyone else to grow up and move on from the "good ol' days". One or two, you can probably take it on a case by case basis, pull the guy aside and ask him what he's doing. But 6 out of 9 starts to define the group, IMO.

 

I may have missed it in a previous post, but I'm curious how your W feels about these friendships. Has she tried to create distance between you and the group?

[Summer Breeze]

 

I've been friends with most of these guys for 20+ years. 2 of them since I can remember being that our mothers were really good friends. Our friendship pre date marriage kids and cheating. So what your saying is because they took the infidelity road I should end my friendships?

I don't think you should necessarily end your friendships but I think it's pretty hypocritical of someone who has been cheated on to be chuckling about people who are hurting someone else the way you were hurt. Would you like to think some of the wives of these guys were laughing it up with your W when she was cheating on you?

 

There is 9 of us, 6 of who has cheated or is now cheating. We all played college football together so I will honestly say that the locker room dynamic within the group is still present.

No idea how old you are but I put you 40+. You say in another post somewhere that you're way above peer pressure. Here you're pretty much saying you're a middle aged man and you're caving like a 15 year old.

 

However laughing at what they tell ap's and being ok with them cheating on their wives isn't the same. I've voiced my opinions, in one case we didn't speak for a year because he didn't like what I said to him.

The fact you sit there while they are acting so nonchalantly about having As disturbs me. Of course you may be subconsciously letting it happen to use it as a beating to the OM in your situation by proxy.

 

I had a lot of personal conflict with the one who got the fake divorce papers because he is one of the two childhood friends and I've been friends with his wife since jr high. My ex wife and I (who is pretty close friends with his wife since high school) talked about telling her of the affair. At the end we decided we wouldn't.

I can only say wow to this. Fake D papers. If I'd been her and the A came to light I'd end my friendships with you and your xW in a heartbeat. I can kind of get you not saying anything if you knew about the A but the fake D papers. Wow

 

At the end of the day, I don't control their cheating or the attitudes towards the AP's. I get that for OW this strikes a cord, and the thought that their MM may have or does do these things as well has them lashing out in anger at me for being involved. I've laughed and commented but I've never actually made fun of those women.

I agree you don't control their cheating or attitudes but you do control yours. Every time you laughed and commented you were giving them a pat on the back whether you want to admit it or not. Again the locker room mentality in a bunch of middle aged men.

 

Now OW aren't innocent bystanders. It would be one thing if they didn't know this guys were married or had longterm GF's.

I can get you actually don't care about OW or OM but I find it disturbing they're grown men so ready to play games like that.

 

I guess I don't get how its ok to engage in cheating then expecting people to not react. Reacting is fine. You should react by telling the Ws of your friends and even the Hs or BFs of the OW. Talk to the OW. React but goading on what they're doing isn't reacting. That's immature and following what the other guys are doing.

 

Me in bold.

 

ETA this should have been for DKT3s post and it's bringing up foolish old woman instead as the 'author'.

[goodyblue]

What does this even mean?

Forsaking all others is a vow; having sex with someone outside your marriage is a pretty clear violation. Perhaps if you elaborate...?

 

She. Turned. Her. Back. On. The. Relationship. Long. Before. He. Did.

 

And then people say "Why didn't he just divorce? Why didn't she? Money. Kids. You name it.

[veritas lux mea]

She. Turned. Her. Back. On. The. Relationship. Long. Before. He. Did.

 

And then people say "Why didn't he just divorce? Why didn't she? Money. Kids. You name it.

 

I don't think by default all BS are saints. Nor do I think their actions are always less rehensible than the WS. Life is to varied for that but. And big but, I think an adult who takes responsibility for their own actions and doesn't try to ease their conscience by saying "they started" it is far more admirable than someone who constantly needs to defend their actions by pointing out their partners flaws. Flaws that don't change the fact they made a choie as an adult.

 

Personaly, I like strong men who make their own descisions and don't wallow in self pity or need to be rescued.

 

I will never feel anyone had no choice but to cheat. I will help someone who is caught in it because of bad choices they made that have hurt others and themselves. The end results don't justify the means. A "happy ending" does not justify the journey taken to get there. And I think the true people of integrity are the ones who say I f'd up but I am working on growing as a person and not bein that way again. Without resorting to saying "he/she started it"

[AlwaysGrowing]

She. Turned. Her. Back. On. The. Relationship. Long. Before. He. Did.

 

And then people say "Why didn't he just divorce? Why didn't she? Money. Kids. You name it.

 

 

I have heard this stated numerous times.

 

What this never addresses is that even if *fillintheblankBSdid/didnot* do....how is this justification for the AP to engage in an affair? The BS did nothing to the AP, the marriage condition should only be the concern of those in it.

 

It seems, that some AP use this to get involved in the first place. It is used to not feel guilt or wrong doing. It is finger pointing....while completely ignoring the fact that between the AP-BS dynamic...it is the AP that struck first, it is the AP who is solely responsible for that.

 

It doesn't matter if it was intentional. Intent is only felt by the person doing...not by the one on the other side...they feel the act.

[KaliLove]

She. Turned. Her. Back. On. The. Relationship. Long. Before. He. Did.

 

And then people say "Why didn't he just divorce? Why didn't she? Money. Kids. You name it.

 

Ok..so instead of asking why didn't he just divorce, how about why didn't he try to talk to his wife and figure out how to work on their issues, or figure out a way to amicably split up? If she really doesn't care about their relationship then there's no reason for her to not be open to that.

[HermioneG]

She. Turned. Her. Back. On. The. Relationship. Long. Before. He. Did.

 

And then people say "Why didn't he just divorce? Why didn't she? Money. Kids. You name it.

 

1) Unless you were present in their house, you have no idea if this is a true recounting of what happened.

 

2) People get divorced every day, and their kids survive, and if the marriage was that unhealthy, everyone ends up better. His behavior gives the lie to his story.

 

I totally understand needing to believe it was different, because it makes your own relationship feel more secure. But the need to believe something in the absence of evidence doesn't make it so.

[HermioneG]

I have heard this stated numerous times.

 

What this never addresses is that even if *fillintheblankBSdid/didnot* do....how is this justification for the AP to engage in an affair? The BS did nothing to the AP, the marriage condition should only be the concern of those in it.

 

It seems, that some AP use this to get involved in the first place. It is used to not feel guilt or wrong doing. It is finger pointing....while completely ignoring the fact that between the AP-BS dynamic...it is the AP that struck first, it is the AP who is solely responsible for that.

 

It doesn't matter if it was intentional. Intent is only felt by the person doing...not by the one on the other side...they feel the act.

 

Beautifully stated.

[janedoe67]

The things is....

 

The BS not doing/being/giving/whatever

 

and

 

The WS cheating

 

are two different things.

 

Unless you are one of those people who thinks you only have to have character or honesty or honor as long as everyone ELSE does what they should do....then saying, "well, BS committed "that" wrong, so WS committed "this" wrong" doesn't even make sense.

 

That's like saying, "Well, my boss fired me, so I had no choice but to rob his house."

 

Yes, I get it. When your spouse refuses to be a spouse in very significant ways, it does leave you hurt and vulnerable. BUT, unless it also causes a psychotic break, you STILL know right from wrong. Doing right might suck, but you CAN still choose to do the right thing (or avoid the wrong thing).

[Journee]

The things is....

 

The BS not doing/being/giving/whatever

 

and

 

The WS cheating

 

are two different things.

 

Unless you are one of those people who thinks you only have to have character or honesty or honor as long as everyone ELSE does what they should do....then saying, "well, BS committed "that" wrong, so WS committed "this" wrong" doesn't even make sense.

 

That's like saying, "Well, my boss fired me, so I had no choice but to rob his house."

 

Yes, I get it. When your spouse refuses to be a spouse in very significant ways, it does leave you hurt and vulnerable. BUT, unless it also causes a psychotic break, you STILL know right from wrong. Doing right might suck, but you CAN still choose to do the right thing (or avoid the wrong thing).

 

 

 

Great points.

 

I have been thinking, in the last few months especially, what makes one set of vows more important to keep than the next? The breaking of any/all vows can be tremendously painful for a spouse.

 

It is a choice to cheat. It's also a choice to be neglectful or abusive (in any form). A person often doesn't ask permission of their spouse to bring those behaviors into the marriage either. Promises are being broken. Marriages can be toxic and downright disturbing in nature. People in all different states of thinking at any given time.

 

Is it terribly wonderful character to verbally abuse or refuse affection to the spouse you made vows to cherish? Seems like only infidelity is gauged as being cruel. It automatically makes an individual immoral and without integrity.

 

I just feel, after seeing both sides of this that the dysfunction that can often lead to an A is so deep and dark that it's hard to find the light of day. It can all hurt incredibly or to varying degrees.

 

It's hard to keep score when there can be so much toxicity running rampant. I also realize that sometimes people cheat because of pure opportunity. It can have zero to do with the state of the M or the BS.

[goodyblue]

The things is....

 

The BS not doing/being/giving/whatever

 

and

 

The WS cheating

 

are two different things.

 

Unless you are one of those people who thinks you only have to have character or honesty or honor as long as everyone ELSE does what they should do....then saying, "well, BS committed "that" wrong, so WS committed "this" wrong" doesn't even make sense.

 

That's like saying, "Well, my boss fired me, so I had no choice but to rob his house."

 

Yes, I get it. When your spouse refuses to be a spouse in very significant ways, it does leave you hurt and vulnerable. BUT, unless it also causes a psychotic break, you STILL know right from wrong. Doing right might suck, but you CAN still choose to do the right thing (or avoid the wrong thing).

 

No question about any of this. I agree. I am simply stating that there seems to be a lot of pointing fingers at the WS when there were a lot of things wrong to begin with in the marriage and an A is just one more of them. As soon as there is infidelity, nothing the BS did that was awful never mattered at all and is rug swept. I'll let you guys get to it, I won't be back to read, I'm really busy, but thanks for answering my question. xx

[HermioneG]

No question about any of this. I agree. I am simply stating that there seems to be a lot of pointing fingers at the WS when there were a lot of things wrong to begin with in the marriage and an A is just one more of them. As soon as there is infidelity, nothing the BS did that was awful never mattered at all and is rug swept. I'll let you guys get to it, I won't be back to read, I'm really busy, but thanks for answering my question. xx

 

An A brings in a third party, and introduces a totally different dynamic. Infidelity is a personal problem of the cheater, not a marital issue ( Pittman, et al).

 

No marriage is perfect.

 

But no wrong was ever healed, righted, evened out, or fixed by infidelity. Ever.

 

The fingers that are pointed at the WS are deserved. Your "guy" was not a hero for having an affair. He harmed his own integrity with his choices. He harmed yours.

 

No one is in a perfect relationship. A perfect spouse does not exist. But infidelity is never the answer to those imperfect unions ( and every marriage is one- that's what life is about- imperfect people learning and growing and striving to do no harm and to love).

[spookysonata]

No question about any of this. I agree. I am simply stating that there seems to be a lot of pointing fingers at the WS when there were a lot of things wrong to begin with in the marriage and an A is just one more of them. As soon as there is infidelity, nothing the BS did that was awful never mattered at all and is rug swept. I'll let you guys get to it, I won't be back to read, I'm really busy, but thanks for answering my question. xx

 

An affair is not "just one more thing" wrong with the marriage; it's like firebombing your car because it needs an oil change. it's the decision of a self centered person with poor coping mechanisms. And yeah, I will point fingers at someone who thinks it's ok to be hurtful because they deserve to be happy. or because someone was mean to them. or because somebody did it first. or because. or because.or because.

 

i absolutely believe people deserve to be held accountable for bad behavior. Why don't you?

 

oh, but you probably won't be back to answer that. Being so busy, and all.

Edited April 12, 2014 by spookysonata

[jellybean89]

I have read numerous threads by some ow(I know not all think this)but a lot do,that if the wh,leaves them to work on the marriage,they think somehow either the bs,has them held hostage some how,either financially,or the kids,the house etc etc.

well in my situation we lost our home during the economy crash,we rent now,we haave no debt,my car is paid for so is his,so is the motorcycle,and our kids are older,and on there own,i can provide for myself financially,it would be hard,but iam an independent woman,he didn't need me,and I definitely didn't need him,but when dday came and the sh*t hit the fan,he begged for reconciliation,because he loves me,and never stopped,even when he fu**ed up royaly,just a rant I guess

 

What a thread. Just more evidence of the huge canyon between BS's and OW.

 

For the OP, I agree with your opening post. I have read a lot of threads on the OW/OM forum where the implication is clear that the wife is in the way of the affair and when the WS goes back to the spouse, it is for all reasons except that the WS realizes he/she screwed up bad and realized they wanted to fix their marriage. I have read posts that excuse the return to the spouse because of:

 

money

house

kids

material things

pets

 

I have never seen a OW/OM post that the WS went back because the WS loved his/her spouse and wanted to make it work.

 

I understand that OW/OM want to know they meant something to the WS. What I don't get is the anger and ire at the BS that is a persistent theme in many OW/OM forum posts. OW/OM are unable to accept that the affair was possibly about sex/affection/adoration/ego, not about this deep soul-mate love they need to believe. It is easier to crucify the BS for making the WS stay -- withholding kids, paying alimony, splitting assets -- all excuses.

 

The excuse of "the kids" is the hardest one to accept and it amazes me when that excuse is believed as credible. There was little concern for "the kids" when the WS was sneaking off to meet the AP; taking 'vacations' with the AP, spending hours texting, calling, emailing. How does that equate to an involved parent? If the WS put half the amount of time spent in an affair into parenting, there would never be a concern about 'losing' the kids if a divorce were to happen. Maybe a divorce/separation would make the WS realize how much they are missing about their kids because they are so focused on the AP?

 

You can read almost any post on the OW/OM forum about an affair ending and the AP is despondent, non-functioning, crying, etc over the ending of the affair and those who have kids, I wonder "who is taking care of those kids while that person has their breakdown?" Some spend months/years mourning an affair ending. I could understand mourning a death; but an affair ending is not a death no matter how anyone wants to spin it. The WS made a choice - a choice the AP didn't agree with (most likely) but it isn't a death and it is absurd that it is likened to a death!

[Speakingofwhich]

OWs need to justify the affair to themselves' date=' so they believe all the negative lies that the MM feed them. OWs also have to feel like their MM are truly in love with them. In order to do this, they have to make the BWs into evil witches. It is much easier to place blame than to face up to being a side dish.[/quote']

 

This seems to me to be a hasty generalization. Not all OWs justify, or need to justify the affair to themselves and not all of them believe everything the MM tells them. However, some may. Also, not all OWs have to feel like their MM are truly in love with them, though some OWs may need to. And not all OWs have to make the BW into evil witches.

 

There are some OW who can't ever justify the A they're having and suffer quite a bit during it, from guilt and from other disadvantages of having an A. There are other OWs who are in it for the sex alone and really don't want the MM to fall in love with them. And there are some OWs who believe the BW is a good person. Not all MMs villify their BSs.

 

There are also some OWs who have suffered tremendously as BSs before ever becoming OWs.

 

If you are a BS whose H has had an A with an OW who is all of the above (things you attribute to OWs) then I can understand how you may want to believe this.

 

Your last sentence, "It is much easier to place blame than to face up to being a side dish." I don't think it's easier, but some people may.

[KaliLove]

This seems to me to be a hasty generalization. Not all OWs justify, or need to justify the affair to themselves and not all of them believe everything the MM tells them. However, some may. Also, not all OWs have to feel like their MM are truly in love with them, though some OWs may need to. And not all OWs have to make the BW into evil witches.

 

There are some OW who can't ever justify the A they're having and suffer quite a bit during it, from guilt and from other disadvantages of having an A. There are other OWs who are in it for the sex alone and really don't want the MM to fall in love with them. And there are some OWs who believe the BW is a good person. Not all MMs villify their BSs.

 

There are also some OWs who have suffered tremendously as BSs before ever becoming OWs.

 

If you are a BS whose H has had an A with an OW who is all of the above (things you attribute to OWs) then I can understand how you may want to believe this.

 

Your last sentence, "It is much easier to place blame than to face up to being a side dish." I don't think it's easier, but some people may.

 

So..because they have suffered as a BS in the past, that makes it ok for them to inflict that same suffering on someone else? That's so cruel.

[snappytomcat]

What a thread. Just more evidence of the huge canyon between BS's and OW.

 

For the OP, I agree with your opening post. I have read a lot of threads on the OW/OM forum where the implication is clear that the wife is in the way of the affair and when the WS goes back to the spouse, it is for all reasons except that the WS realizes he/she screwed up bad and realized they wanted to fix their marriage. I have read posts that excuse the return to the spouse because of:

 

money

house

kids

material things

pets

 

I have never seen a OW/OM post that the WS went back because the WS loved his/her spouse and wanted to make it work.

 

I understand that OW/OM want to know they meant something to the WS. What I don't get is the anger and ire at the BS that is a persistent theme in many OW/OM forum posts. OW/OM are unable to accept that the affair was possibly about sex/affection/adoration/ego, not about this deep soul-mate love they need to believe. It is easier to crucify the BS for making the WS stay -- withholding kids, paying alimony, splitting assets -- all excuses.

 

The excuse of "the kids" is the hardest one to accept and it amazes me when that excuse is believed as credible. There was little concern for "the kids" when the WS was sneaking off to meet the AP; taking 'vacations' with the AP, spending hours texting, calling, emailing. How does that equate to an involved parent? If the WS put half the amount of time spent in an affair into parenting, there would never be a concern about 'losing' the kids if a divorce were to happen. Maybe a divorce/separation would make the WS realize how much they are missing about their kids because they are so focused on the AP?

 

You can read almost any post on the OW/OM forum about an affair ending and the AP is despondent, non-functioning, crying, etc over the ending of the affair and those who have kids, I wonder "who is taking care of those kids while that person has their breakdown?" Some spend months/years mourning an affair ending. I could understand mourning a death; but an affair ending is not a death no matter how anyone wants to spin it. The WS made a choice - a choice the AP didn't agree with (most likely) but it isn't a death and it is absurd that it is likened to a death!

jellybean

my thoughts exactly,i don't have any ill feeling for ow,at all they were lied to also,but if wh wants to reconcile,it couls be cause out of love for bs,thats all I was trying to say,and no my wh didn't get off easy,hes gotta work for my trust,now its been really hard

[veritas lux mea]

For many people, myself included, there is an "easier" way to think. You have given someone your all. You have a hope deep down inside that you will end up together. Then let's say DDay comes and your soulmate informs you they cannot leave because of <insert reason here>. Of course it is easier to believe you were star crossed lovers than that when the sht hit the fan it wasn't the kids they chose over you it was the spouse. Because kids are the only thing we usually allow to be first. But, no AP knows that. They don't know the motive behind the WS descision. Even if the WS is honest many AP just won't accept it. Many have to believe what they had was real otherwise... So given the choice on what to believe it doesn't surprise me what people like to believe.

 

Happens all the times in all areas of our lives and why we have the nast little sayings "whatever makes you feel better about yourself" or "whatever helps you sleep at night". It happens with BS who were crappy spouses and refuse to acknowledge that but waste their energy on blaming the demise of a marriage solely on their WS (not all BS and not all marriages were bad pre affair... My wasn't). It happens with people who don't get a job promotion and blame it on favoritsm sexism and so forth even though it really is they weren't really qualified enough. But because in some cases those problems do exsist... So many claim it for their stitch.