vanellope Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) It's not big deal that husband and wife make a trip, because it's nature they make holiday together. xMM and I already in NC for few weeks, and my mood should not be affect by them anymore. when I was with xMM, we took many holidays together, and most is in another countries, the new cities we explore together. And now he just takes his wife visit the same places as we were been in these two years. The world is big, although I am not with him anymore, but in deep inside of my mind, I do want keep some places that just for us. I know, I should not expect this and feel disappoint because from beginning until now he never be mine, never be my husband. Though it just a small thing, but I do feel disappointed. The wife did find our mails so she knows where we have been before, I know it also not important anymore, it's not my business. Edited April 9, 2014 by vanellope Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Hugs Vanellope! I totally understand. I'm no longer with me exMM and I still dread him bringing his W to some of those places we used to frequent and hold special meanings to me. It makes me feel as if he didn't respect me enough and that these places didn't meant as much and exclusive to him Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 As a fWS, I have avoided going places with my H that I previously went to with the exOM and that is actually out of respect to my H. I don't want our new memories tainted by the past. So either from respect for the AP or respect for the BS, it seems a bit off to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Anne- me too- before we go on a trip, I always ask "is this a safe place"- She use to fly out at her own expense to meet him on business trips so there are many places he and I had been that she met him at- For whatever reason women seem more sentimental and territorial than men-he still doesn't get the connection but understand it hurts me- In the end, people travel so its likely we all end up in each others "territory" Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 As a fWS, I have avoided going places with my H that I previously went to with the exOM and that is actually out of respect to my H. I don't want our new memories tainted by the past. So either from respect for the AP or respect for the BS, it seems a bit off to me. Hi Anne, come to think of it, what you said makes perfect sense. I also don't visit those places with my H because I didn't want to remember those memories in the presence if my H. So it does really seems weird. What makes I even weirder is that the BS in her case know her H & his AP visited those places before... Doesn't that affects her? It would if I'm e BS... Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Some couples feel the need to reclaim. To remove any exclusivity from locations. So there isn't any "that place is off-limits because it belongs to WS and AP". Just as, for some couples, AP continue to work together, some couples reclaim. It is not as simple as....well...then the WS does not respect so and so. For some, it is simply removing the "specialness", removing the AP from that location and indeed making new memories for each. It is not wrong or off or disrespectful....just a different approach...that some require. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 What makes I even weirder is that the BS in her case know her H & his AP visited those places before... Doesn't that affects her? It would if I'm e BS... Who knows, maybe the BS and her husband had visited those places before the A- As you can see from the thread- for some, be it the AP or the BS-places trigger a sense of sadness but for others not so much- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I haven't had a D-day, so it's a little different. But I actually would like to travel with my husband and kids to the place I associate most with my xAP. I want to make new memories there, not have it sealed off forever in my mind as somewhere associated just with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It's not big deal that husband and wife make a trip, because it's nature they make holiday together. xMM and I already in NC for few weeks, and my mood should not be affect by them anymore. when I was with xMM, we took many holidays together, and most is in another countries, the new cities we explore together. And now he just takes his wife visit the same places as we were been in these two years. The world is big, although I am not with him anymore, but in deep inside of my mind, I do want keep some places that just for us. I know, I should not expect this and feel disappoint because from beginning until now he never be mine, never be my husband. Though it just a small thing, but I do feel disappointed. The wife did find our mails so she knows where we have been before, I know it also not important anymore, it's not my business. There have been threads (on the Infidelity Board) in the past of BWs wanting to go to the places that were special to the MM and his OW, so that they could "reclaim" them. I guess to the APs it feels like a desecration, while to the BS it feels like a reconsecration. Because we live in such a small village, it is inevitable that my H and I will go to many of the places he once went with the xBW. Although he never demurs when I suggest we go to A or B or C, there have been times when he has told me afterward that he had been there decades ago, "with her", and he has thanked me for exorcising those unpleasant memories for him and giving him new, pleasant associations with the place. That is probably what your xMM's BW is hoping for - that she can erase his memories and associations of you. But that can backfire horribly. Going somewhere where you have happy associations with someone you loved, with someone else, can force you into comparing what you have now (the BW) with what you lost (the OW) in a less favourable light - particularly if the trip is not of your choosing but just to keep her happy. Being stuck there with her may make him wish for hose happy times with you, and may cause him to regret his choice to stay with her. You have no way of knowing how it will work out. Don't torture yourself over it. They may both be hating every minute. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It's nice reading from the different opinions and perspectives from both the BS and the AP it opens up my mind instead of it being stuck in a pit. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Don't worry, vanelope because one day they won't even be blip on your radar screen. How did you find out he was on a trip if you are NC? I hope he didn't let you find out on purpose because that would be cruel and hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It's not big deal that husband and wife make a trip, because it's nature they make holiday together. xMM and I already in NC for few weeks, and my mood should not be affect by them anymore. when I was with xMM, we took many holidays together, and most is in another countries, the new cities we explore together. And now he just takes his wife visit the same places as we were been in these two years. The world is big, although I am not with him anymore, but in deep inside of my mind, I do want keep some places that just for us. I know, I should not expect this and feel disappoint because from beginning until now he never be mine, never be my husband. Though it just a small thing, but I do feel disappointed. The wife did find our mails so she knows where we have been before, I know it also not important anymore, it's not my business. How can you be in NC and at the same time know all about where he and his wife are going and what they're doing?NC doesn't just mean not speaking to the person, it means not keeping abreast of their life, in whatever ways you're doing - be it through social media, mutual friends etc. It's of course normal to feel as you do, but keeping TOTAL NC helps you not to be hurt and focused on these things until you finally get to a point where it actually doesn't bother you anymore. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 If you are in NC, how do you know about his vacations with his wife? I think it's in YOUR best interest to make NO CONTACT be complete NC, no cyber stalking, no e-mails, no facebook peeking, twitter, NOTHING. It will be easier on YOUR heart and IMO, if you truly want it over, that's the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself right now. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanellope Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 They make the check in on the facebook. it's long time I didn't use facebook, yesterday I miss him and want to know how he was these days so I view his page. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I know it's incredibly tempting to do that, but you are only hurting yourself more by doing so and making it harder to get over what you wished the situation was/would have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanellope Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Thank you, will not do the similar things again. I know complete NC will help me. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 They make the check in on the facebook. it's long time I didn't use facebook, yesterday I miss him and want to know how he was these days so I view his page. Most of us have been there. The good thing is that usually this confirms that he's fine and should encourage you to keep NC and not check his page anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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