Should i wish my ex happy birthday? Or stick with no contact?

[Nimbus4dt]

Same thing here, was at 6 days NC and stupidly broke it this morning, what an idiot, start all over again now. Just one lapse is all it takes and I had one.

Why is it that we wish for the one's that make us miserable?

[Always Pondering]

We broke up 1.5 months ago.. am on day 15 of NC. The last time we met, we still made out did stuff and she said she was confused between the new person and me, and string me along with, ' still love me more than anyone else, idk what our future may be' etc etc.

 

I thought days will get better, im still stuck onto her. Im constantly waiting for her to text me, call me back. Having urges to stalk her social medias. Then asking myself constantly, why do i want her back? Why would i want someone who left me for others? She is out there ****ing this new dude while im here pinning for her return?! I want to hate her and be angry with her.. but i cant. I want her back, but i really shouldnt. She's not healthy for me, and she will only do it again even if she comes back. How can i accept this. How can i accept that there's no more hope in us..

 

I understand everything seems confusing and your thoughts are always contradicting themselves. It's completely natural, believe me, a lot of us here on LS have been through the same thing!

 

As the others said, it does get better if you want it to, I promise you 100%. I went from thinking of her 24/7 to only about once every few days depending on how busy I am.

 

A little over a year since BU, and about 4 months NC. If I didn't break NC, I'd probably be completely healed by now to be honest, or that's my prediction.

 

Accepting the fact that there is no hope left and you two have left each others' lives has been one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. A part of us always loves to just cling onto hope, but it weakens every day once you start healing.

[Elle1975]

I know it's not easy. I am at 3 weeks. I am still tempted to look him up, etc.. but I know better. And I feel a lot better as well.

[iDrumKing]

8 months BU, 5months NC

 

It really gets better trust me. You go dayss without thinking of them.

 

You will look back and think wtf was i doing lol

 

You be fine

 

^^^^

 

Seriously listen to this. I'm 4 months NC, and I can't remember the last day I thought about them. Time does wonders. You're still only 2 weeks in and emotions are still raw. Please don't act upon them.

 

And I agree with the post I quoted. You will eventually look back and think "wtf was I doing?"

 

Keep going. You'll survive.

[Alcatraz]

This is so close to home for me. I try to make myself feel angry with her but I can't. I just want to forget.

[nutcheesy]

Thanks everybody for the inputs. It makes me not so alone dealing with this ****.

 

sigh. But do you guys ever wonder that you should chase her again? After NC 30 days? That's what I have been reading in the 'how to get your ex book'. Idk what I'm doing anymore. I miss her a lot.

 

I know many of you would say let the dumper contact you if they want you back etc. But if you really love the person, would you not want to chase her again? Idk. These should i or should i not is literally driving me nuts. At what point am i going to feel normal again!!

 

Argh i guess a big part of me is just afraid that i won't be able to find anyone that can touch my heart like she did..

[BC1980]

Thanks everybody for the inputs. It makes me not so alone dealing with this ****.

 

sigh. But do you guys ever wonder that you should chase her again? After NC 30 days? That's what I have been reading in the 'how to get your ex book'. Idk what I'm doing anymore. I miss her a lot.

 

I know many of you would say let the dumper contact you if they want you back etc. But if you really love the person, would you not want to chase her again? Idk. These should i or should i not is literally driving me nuts. At what point am i going to feel normal again!!

 

Argh i guess a big part of me is just afraid that i won't be able to find anyone that can touch my heart like she did..

 

All of those websites say to contact after 30 days, but I think you are playing with fire honestly. What those websites fail to take into account is your recovery. You are still in the denial phase and are bargaining. It's early for you, so that's normal. Try to realize that it's over for good.

 

If you contacted her, do you really believe it's going to go like you want it to? Realistically? Probably not.

[Elle1975]

Thanks everybody for the inputs. It makes me not so alone dealing with this ****.

 

sigh. But do you guys ever wonder that you should chase her again? After NC 30 days? That's what I have been reading in the 'how to get your ex book'. Idk what I'm doing anymore. I miss her a lot.

 

I know many of you would say let the dumper contact you if they want you back etc. But if you really love the person, would you not want to chase her again? Idk. These should i or should i not is literally driving me nuts. At what point am i going to feel normal again!!

 

Argh i guess a big part of me is just afraid that i won't be able to find anyone that can touch my heart like she did..

 

5 years ago or so, I broke up with my boyfriend, who was a real db. I walked away and never looked back. He, on the other hand, would keep contacting me. I'm the love of his life, he wants to marry me, etc etc... and it made me feel hounded.

 

He did it again today. He dropped by at work. He does that every 6 months or so. And it's getting aggravating. I hope this time he got the message.

 

So.. no, I wouldn't contact the ex.

[FredJones80]

5 years ago or so, I broke up with my boyfriend, who was a real db. I walked away and never looked back. He, on the other hand, would keep contacting me. I'm the love of his life, he wants to marry me, etc etc... and it made me feel hounded.

 

He did it again today. He dropped by at work. He does that every 6 months or so. And it's getting aggravating. I hope this time he got the message.

 

So.. no, I wouldn't contact the ex.

 

Interesting story. Dumpee's would never consider it "hounded" but I've heard it plenty of times from Dumper's and can definitely see how you felt.

 

One thing many might like to know is, if you changed your mind (without hounding) would you have made contact in return or thought "he hasn't hounded me so he mustn't of wanted me much"

 

Food for thought..

[nutcheesy]

Interesting story. Dumpee's would never consider it "hounded" but I've heard it plenty of times from Dumper's and can definitely see how you felt.

 

One thing many might like to know is, if you changed your mind (without hounding) would you have made contact in return or thought "he hasn't hounded me so he mustn't of wanted me much"

 

Food for thought..

 

That's exactly what im afraid..

 

What if she wants me back, but me being cold towards her, and even blocking her on social medias gives her the impression that i am no longer going to try to work things out between us? Is it a silly thinking?

[BC1980]

That's exactly what im afraid..

 

What if she wants me back, but me being cold towards her, and even blocking her on social medias gives her the impression that i am no longer going to try to work things out between us? Is it a silly thinking?

 

Most normal people realize that you cut contact after a breakup and don't see it as mean. If she holds that against you, it's not worth it. Also, is it worth delaying your healing on the off chance she might change her mind? It's not a risk I'm willing to take.

[FredJones80]

What if she wants me back, but me being cold towards her, and even blocking her on social medias gives her the impression that i am no longer going to try to work things out between us? Is it a silly thinking?

 

I don't think its silly, I think its quite natural for some people, I've done it myself.

 

I think what you have to do though is hit a point (as quick as possible) and say to yourself, right, this is the last time I'm going to do this. State clear and concise that this wasn't what you wanted and you would like to work it out, send it and then leave it.

 

After this there is nothing more you can do, you have made clear you didn't want to end it, you have made clear you'd like to resolve it and thats it. No "I will wait for you for XXX amount of months/years for you to decide" - State your case and go NC.

 

You then remind yourself you did everything you could, you made your emotions and feelings clear and then you hand the ball to them. If you hear back in weeks/months then you take it from there and decide what you want to do.

 

In the meantime you keep moving forward, you don't miss any opportunity, you don't turn any situation down you wouldn't normally. If something comes back great, if it doesn't then you're already on your way to moving on.

[Elle1975]

Interesting story. Dumpee's would never consider it "hounded" but I've heard it plenty of times from Dumper's and can definitely see how you felt.

 

One thing many might like to know is, if you changed your mind (without hounding) would you have made contact in return or thought "he hasn't hounded me so he mustn't of wanted me much"

 

Food for thought..

 

No. I put up with him for almost 2 years. During those two years he played with my emotions, and used them as leverage. I finally called it quit, and told him I had no love for him anymore. Even if he had left me alone long enough for me to forget what a failure he is, I still wouldn't have given him another chance.

 

Actually, when he dropped by today, I couldn't resist asking him if he was working. Nop, still no jobs. I know him, he works long enough to get unemployment, and exploit the system. A real peach.

 

Looking back on those two years, I don't know wtf I was thinking. I had just gotten divorced, and my moral was low. Still... what the hell was I thinking.

 

Now, if he had been a nice guy, I probably would have given it another chance.

 

I think that's the difference. If you behave like a douche, you pretty much screw yourself out of a reconciliation. If you were broke up in "okay" terms, then I think some people have a shot at another try. However, if no changes have occurred, don't bother.

 

And even if you correct your mistakes/behavior (you have no power to correct hers), and get another shot at dating this ex, you might even be surprised to discover that this person isn't that great after all.

[Elle1975]

I don't think its silly, I think its quite natural for some people, I've done it myself.

 

I think what you have to do though is hit a point (as quick as possible) and say to yourself, right, this is the last time I'm going to do this. State clear and concise that this wasn't what you wanted and you would like to work it out, send it and then leave it.

 

After this there is nothing more you can do, you have made clear you didn't want to end it, you have made clear you'd like to resolve it and thats it. No "I will wait for you for XXX amount of months/years for you to decide" - State your case and go NC.

 

You then remind yourself you did everything you could, you made your emotions and feelings clear and then you hand the ball to them. If you hear back in weeks/months then you take it from there and decide what you want to do.

 

In the meantime you keep moving forward, you don't miss any opportunity, you don't turn any situation down you wouldn't normally. If something comes back great, if it doesn't then you're already on your way to moving on.

 

I do think it takes months for an ex to come around. Let them check out the neighbor's grass. I find that most relationships don't work. If they did, nobody would be on this forum.

 

If they decide to give it another try, you better be in great shape, physically, and mentally. Don't think they'd like to find a crying puppy waiting for their return home. And since you will be in great shape, you'll be with .. someone else.

[Zahara]

That's exactly what im afraid..

 

What if she wants me back, but me being cold towards her, and even blocking her on social medias gives her the impression that i am no longer going to try to work things out between us? Is it a silly thinking?

 

It is hopeful thinking. It needs to go.

 

You cannot work things out with her when she is the one that dumped you! It is her responsibility to win you back. This now falls on her. When you say that blocking her gives her the impression you are no longer wanting things to work out -- or translation you want to be sitting looking available and ready for her when/if she makes a decision to finally choose you.

 

You being cold towards her is called self-preservation. It allows you to detach from what is causing you pain. If she can't understand that, then it's pretty clear that she's not able to empathize with how you feel and your needs.

[FredJones80]

Now, if he had been a nice guy, I probably would have given it another chance.

 

Thanks, your reply was interesting, not trying to relate it to my situation, just find all this relationship stuff very interesting, its good when you can get a broad view of the whole spectrum rather than just your own life which is a tiny spec in the pool.

 

Then again, if he was a nice guy you probably wouldn't of broke up with him in the first place ?

[FredJones80]

I do think it takes months for an ex to come around. Let them check out the neighbor's grass. I find that most relationships don't work. If they did, nobody would be on this forum.

 

If they decide to give it another try, you better be in great shape, physically, and mentally. Don't think they'd like to find a crying puppy waiting for their return home. And since you will be in great shape, you'll be with .. someone else.

 

I agree, although after they've tried the waters elsewhere I'm not sure I personally would want them back. Its like GIGS all over. I'm not a second choice.

 

Sadly (and I know this sounds rather big headed) but I figure in my personal situation my ex will see what she had wasn't all that bad when she has tested the waters elsewhere - but who knows, perhaps I was

[Elle1975]

Thanks, your reply was interesting, not trying to relate it to my situation, just find all this relationship stuff very interesting, its good when you can get a broad view of the whole spectrum rather than just your own life which is a tiny spec in the pool.

 

Then again, if he was a nice guy you probably wouldn't of broke up with him in the first place ?

 

Probably not. But again, life sometimes happens. People get stressed, grieve over lost parents, lose their jobs, get sick, etc.. the pressure make them run away from their relationship.

 

And then again, sometimes they just not in love, or not in love anymore. That can be fixed too though. I think that's why it's important to stay NC. Being emotional during a break up, that's fine, but after that, don't hound your ex for answers, for closure, to beg them to come back. Might as well shoot yourself in the foot. Once they see you behaving that way, it's hard to forget, hard to give you the same kind of respect.

 

That's another reason why I didn't give him another chance. The guy would NOT leave me alone, for gods sake. I'm aggravated just thinking about it. And today was oh just so f'ing great. Him AGAIN. He's like a tick, a bad habit, he keeps showing up in MY life.

 

So.. yes.. NC people. Either way, you're winning.

[Elle1975]

I agree, although after they've tried the waters elsewhere I'm not sure I personally would want them back. Its like GIGS all over. I'm not a second choice.

 

Sadly (and I know this sounds rather big headed) but I figure in my personal situation my ex will see what she had wasn't all that bad when she has tested the waters elsewhere - but who knows, perhaps I was

 

Well yeah, that's why she would work for it. A lot. But personally the goal of my NC is not to get my ex back. It's to free my heart of him, and give it to someone who wants it. In the meantime, I am fine by myself. I had forgotten how good it was. I love being single. I just don't like the idea of finishing my days alone. And I do enjoy being in a good relationship.

[FredJones80]

don't hound your ex for answers, for closure, to beg them to come back. Might as well shoot yourself in the foot. Once they see you behaving that way, it's hard to forget, hard to give you the same kind of respect.

 

Agreed, also, something that people overlook.

 

Begging, pleading and the like could in some circumstances cause the dumper to come back sort of out of pity, loyalty or not letting go, this isn't a healthy way to reconcile and is likely to end with a split much nearer down the line again.

 

I knew of someone who took an overdose and ended up in hospital, his ex went to see him and they got back together, a few months later she kicked him out again.

[FredJones80]

But personally the goal of my NC is not to get my ex back. It's to free my heart of him

 

Agreed, it is my goal too. I probably secretly would like to hear from her in the coming months, but I'm not expecting to, nor is it something I'm holding on to, I'm just doing what I need to do for myself to get through this and move on.

 

I'm actually finding NC pretty easy after following the NC guide. For anyone who does have a slim chance of an ex coming back, they at least know it was on their own merit and not because of begging, pleading etc.

[Elle1975]

Agreed, it is my goal too. I probably secretly would like to hear from her in the coming months, but I'm not expecting to, nor is it something I'm holding on to, I'm just doing what I need to do for myself to get through this and move on.

 

I'm actually finding NC pretty easy after following the NC guide. For anyone who does have a slim chance of an ex coming back, they at least know it was on their own merit and not because of begging, pleading etc.

 

I am at 3 weeks NC. Will be 4 weeks Sunday. And yes, of course I wish he could come back crawling "I made a mistake!". It keeps me occupied in bed, at night, to think about stuff like that. But it also keeps me awake. I'm not bulletproof.

 

Like you though, I find NC fairly easy, even if I really wanted to contact him at first.

 

When he broke up with me, I looked at him, and it's a weird thing to notice, but he looked.. old. Tired. I saw the flaws in his face. Also a weird thing to say but.. I think for a split second I had my pink glasses off. So I hold on to this visual memory of him.

[FredJones80]

I am at 3 weeks NC. Will be 4 weeks Sunday. And yes, of course I wish he could come back crawling "I made a mistake!". It keeps me occupied in bed, at night, to think about stuff like that. But it also keeps me awake. I'm not bulletproof.

 

Like you though, I find NC fairly easy, even if I really wanted to contact him at first.

 

When he broke up with me, I looked at him, and it's a weird thing to notice, but he looked.. old. Tired. I saw the flaws in his face. Also a weird thing to say but.. I think for a split second I had my pink glasses off. So I hold on to this visual memory of him.

 

I think the first week or two are hard to have NC because most people are still at that "there is still time to get straight back in to things" - after those weeks pass it becomes, if something happens again then it would have to move slowly and be like a new relationship.

 

I don't really have any urges to contact my ex which is odd, because I thought I would, the NC guide seriously helped, I'm grateful for it.

 

I do (since yesterday) have this MASSIVE urge to check her social media which in the 5 weeks we've been split up I have never had an urge. Something has started nagging me which didn't bother me before. People suggested she might of met someone else (like they do for every story here) and I wasn't actually that bothered, I liked to not know, it was easier.

 

Now I've got a massive urge to find out if she is with someone else, I know it would be like a punch to the stomach but I'm also wondering if it would help me move on quicker. Like see her for who she really is, or "she's not as amazing as I thought because..." - After such a long time to end our relationship to get with someone else would be a killer, but on the other hand let me see her true colors rather than holding her in a good light.

 

I know everyone will advise against it, but anyone think it might be the push I need to move on?

[Elle1975]

I think the first week or two are hard to have NC because most people are still at that "there is still time to get straight back in to things" - after those weeks pass it becomes, if something happens again then it would have to move slowly and be like a new relationship.

 

I don't really have any urges to contact my ex which is odd, because I thought I would, the NC guide seriously helped, I'm grateful for it.

 

I do (since yesterday) have this MASSIVE urge to check her social media which in the 5 weeks we've been split up I have never had an urge. Something has started nagging me which didn't bother me before. People suggested she might of met someone else (like they do for every story here) and I wasn't actually that bothered, I liked to not know, it was easier.

 

Now I've got a massive urge to find out if she is with someone else, I know it would be like a punch to the stomach but I'm also wondering if it would help me move on quicker. Like see her for who she really is, or "she's not as amazing as I thought because..." - After such a long time to end our relationship to get with someone else would be a killer, but on the other hand let me see her true colors rather than holding her in a good light.

 

I know everyone will advise against it, but anyone think it might be the push I need to move on?

 

I wouldn't. For me, it would be like having this "one cigarette" that's going to make me feel like crap afterward, and leave me full of guilt. You guessed it, I used to smoke. Quit for 4 years, fell back in the pool for a year, quit again. Way easier this time. Anyway.. I digress..

 

It's also giving something TO her. How can I explain that.. you walked away from the whole thing, taking a pick at her social media would be the same as giving a piece of your well earned happiness to her. Some attention she doesn't deserve.

 

Sure, she won't know, but you will. Be better than that. You lost a lot, don't lose your good work, your progress, your pride. I guess that's it, don't lose the pride that you have acquired in the past few weeks. You really should be proud btw. It's hard to resist. I see a ton of "I just can't resist checking out her/his profile", "I tried NC but I just CAN'T do it". Sure you can, Fred is doing it.

 

I have a hard time putting my feelings on the matter into words. I am sure you understand what I mean.

 

I'm not giving him anything. I'm standing on my own two feet, and he's fading away. He threw away a good thing. Eh you know what they say "one man's trash..." haha I hate to put it that way, but it's true.

[FredJones80]

It's also giving something TO her. How can I explain that.. you walked away from the whole thing, taking a pick at her social media would be the same as giving a piece of your well earned happiness to her. Some attention she doesn't deserve.

 

I guess you're right, thanks for the reassurance.

 

I figured it would be a bad idea and I really don't know why I have suddenly felt the urge to check.

 

I think in a way as it is now I will go on thinking she is an amazing person and it didn't work out for whatever XYZ reason.

 

If I checked and saw she is with someone new so soon, or ended our relationship to be with someone else then I would find that a little heartless and not the person I thought/think she is so I could go on life knowing she wasn't as "amazing" as I thought. I figure this is my reasoning for wanting to check, getting a reality of who she really is.

 

Its a battle between both, I doubt any are an ideal situation, either way we're in non-ideal situations to start with so why add to the dilemma.

 

Thanks for the pep talk Elle1975, appreciate it.