Should i wish my ex happy birthday? Or stick with no contact?

[Elle1975]

I guess you're right, thanks for the reassurance.

 

I figured it would be a bad idea and I really don't know why I have suddenly felt the urge to check.

 

I think in a way as it is now I will go on thinking she is an amazing person and it didn't work out for whatever XYZ reason.

 

If I checked and saw she is with someone new so soon, or ended our relationship to be with someone else then I would find that a little heartless and not the person I thought/think she is so I could go on life knowing she wasn't as "amazing" as I thought. I figure this is my reasoning for wanting to check, getting a reality of who she really is.

 

Its a battle between both, I doubt any are an ideal situation, either way we're in non-ideal situations to start with so why add to the dilemma.

 

Thanks for the pep talk Elle1975, appreciate it.

 

You're welcome. And it's a two-way street. It's nice to look at someone else's perspective. It's also nice to be putting my thoughts on paper, it helps me too.

 

Reading your answer, I actually was thinking.. "wow, this guy thinks she's amazing", even after the break up. At first I was going to call bullsh*t on it. And then I thought.. well, we all react and think differently.

 

See, I don't think he is amazing. Looking back on what happened, and how it happened, I don't have as much admiration for him as I used to.

 

I knew he had flaws, as I am not blind, but I also admired his tenacity and intelligence for instance. However, he lied to me. He was weak. He stayed with me because it was.. easy, I suppose. I didn't make waves, we worked well together, and if it wasn't for his lack of love, everything was perfect. He knew he didn't love me, and said nothing. I feel betrayed. And so, my admiration vanished.

 

I still have feelings for him though, as I believe we have to accept and love people as they are.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess you're right, thanks for the reassurance.

 

I figured it would be a bad idea and I really don't know why I have suddenly felt the urge to check.

 

I think in a way as it is now I will go on thinking she is an amazing person and it didn't work out for whatever XYZ reason.

 

If I checked and saw she is with someone new so soon, or ended our relationship to be with someone else then I would find that a little heartless and not the person I thought/think she is so I could go on life knowing she wasn't as "amazing" as I thought. I figure this is my reasoning for wanting to check, getting a reality of who she really is.

 

Its a battle between both, I doubt any are an ideal situation, either way we're in non-ideal situations to start with so why add to the dilemma.

 

Thanks for the pep talk Elle1975, appreciate it.

 

You are way overthinking this -- which is normal, but you need to give your brain a rest and stop crafting these scenarios to justify contact. You were doing it earlier with the "well if I don't contact than maybe my ex won't think I really valued her" thought and are doing it again with this one. The result of checking her profile will be simple -- you'll either be devastated that she's moved on to someone else or you will be devastated that she'd rather be off doing her own thing than hanging on with you. You won't see it as her "not being good enough", you'll see it as you not being good enough. And when it comes to recovery, that's a sh--ty place to be.

 

When I was younger, before I knew what No Contact was, I had two instances which caused me to flip my emotions regarding a breakup. The first was finding out that an ex I was hopelessly chasing in college had cheated on me before we broke up, while the second saw an ex (who was a co-worker) levy a complaint against me to my bosses for sexual harrassment on something unrelated to her that had no merit. While both instances caused me to stop chasing/orbiting and go into NC, they were absolutely devastating and filled me with anger for a long time. The breakup I went through that got me here saw me go NC without that "shock therapy", and I'm thankful for that. Because while the previous two breakups got me from 100 to 0 when it came to desire of reconciliation, the other pain that came from them wasn't worth that exchange.

 

And I'm doubting there's anything on your Facebook that would take you from 100 to 0 right now, which might even make it worse.

[nutcheesy]

I agree, although after they've tried the waters elsewhere I'm not sure I personally would want them back. Its like GIGS all over. I'm not a second choice.

 

Sadly (and I know this sounds rather big headed) but I figure in my personal situation my ex will see what she had wasn't all that bad when she has tested the waters elsewhere - but who knows, perhaps I was

 

Precisely! Our mind just love to play with us. I want her back, but i dont think i can ever accept her back after she's done banging with other people and decided to be with me. AND Im afraid im not strong enough to reject her if that day happen as well. The what ifs scenarios is killing.

[FredJones80]

You are way overthinking this -- which is normal, but you need to give your brain a rest and stop crafting these scenarios to justify contact. You were doing it earlier with the "well if I don't contact than maybe my ex won't think I really valued her" thought and are doing it again with this one. The result of checking her profile will be simple -- you'll either be devastated that she's moved on to someone else or you will be devastated that she'd rather be off doing her own thing than hanging on with you. You won't see it as her "not being good enough", you'll see it as you not being good enough. And when it comes to recovery, that's a sh--ty place to be.

 

I'm actually doing fine without contact, nearly 3 weeks NC now, even after a small breadcrumb my way - I didn't reply.

 

I really don't know where this sudden urge to check FB came from. I guess I'm the type of person who likes answers. People say for various things, "things happen for a reason" .. and they leave it at that, I'm the kind of person who needs to know the reason.

 

I've replied to someone else on "well if I don't contact than maybe my ex won't think I really valued her" but I don't think I've posted that myself... unless it was a long time ago :/ ?

[FredJones80]

Reading your answer, I actually was thinking.. "wow, this guy thinks she's amazing", even after the break up. At first I was going to call bullsh*t on it. And then I thought.. well, we all react and think differently.

 

Sure, she had her faults, there are probably plenty of people better suited to me, better suited to her, but that is probably true for everyone, when you love someone however you love both their positives and minuses, but overall I still think highly of her, being dumped doesn't suddenly mean I feel she is a bad person or from my perspective there was a list of things wrong.

 

I think my reason for wanting to check FB is to verify if my thoughts on her are correct or an illusion. If I saw something I didn't like then I could squash the opinion of her that I have because then I'd know it was illusion.

 

I'm still not checking though

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm actually doing fine without contact, nearly 3 weeks NC now, even after a small breadcrumb my way - I didn't reply.

 

I really don't know where this sudden urge to check FB came from. I guess I'm the type of person who likes answers. People say for various things, "things happen for a reason" .. and they leave it at that, I'm the kind of person who needs to know the reason.

 

I've replied to someone else on "well if I don't contact than maybe my ex won't think I really valued her" but I don't think I've posted that myself... unless it was a long time ago :/ ?

 

What does the reason matter though? Let's say you know the reason, then what? It doesn't change the result, and using that reason as ammunition to try to "trick" her back isn't exactly a winning scenario either. I mean, I used to be like you in that way, but it's not like the reason is going to help you get where you need to go. Usually it presents a roadblock.

 

As for the second part, I got this from this thing that you posted at the end of page 4:

 

Interesting story. Dumpee's would never consider it "hounded" but I've heard it plenty of times from Dumper's and can definitely see how you felt.

 

One thing many might like to know is, if you changed your mind (without hounding) would you have made contact in return or thought "he hasn't hounded me so he mustn't of wanted me much"

 

Food for thought..

[FredJones80]

What does the reason matter though? Let's say you know the reason, then what? It doesn't change the result, and using that reason as ammunition to try to "trick" her back isn't exactly a winning scenario either. I mean, I used to be like you in that way, but it's not like the reason is going to help you get where you need to go. Usually it presents a roadblock.

 

I think we're crossing wires here.

 

The reason doesn't really matter. As I said, the urge has come out of nowhere, previously it didn't bother me. I guess its just an urge to see what the lasting impression of her should be and if it is valid. I don't want to think highly of someone in the future if it wasn't deserved.

 

I never once considered "ammunition to try to "trick" her back" either, I think this is definitely where we are getting our communications crossed.

 

As for the second part, I got this from this thing that you posted at the end of page 4:

 

This was just a hypothetical question on what I feel most people would like to know, not something I wanted to action, as I said, I'm quite happy with NC and found it easier than I thought I would after following and DOING what the NC guide suggests. I think most people struggle with the doing and that is their downfall.

 

I usually like your responses Simon Phoenix, in fact you're usually one of my 3-4 favourite posters that I like to read, however in this instance I think we're on different pages somehow.