Why does she lie ... ?

[Dino]

I am going to apologize ahead of time; my girlfriend frequents this site so I will need to be a bit vague with some of this.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. I love and adore her; she makes me feel good and very happy. She is very caring and attentive, and I have no doubt that she loves me also. However, she seems to be lying to me on occasion. It isn’t really that often, but often enough that it has me worried.

 

The weird part is that the things she lies about don’t seem to be that big of a deal. For instance; I have called off sick from work before when I wasn’t really sick (who hasn’t ). She knows I’m really just playing hooky and not sick, I have no reason to lie to her about it (I’m usually with her any way). Her type of lie would be akin to her playing hooky from work, but then also lying to me about being sick. Now this was a made up example, but it’s similar. You get the idea, it’s nothing serious.

 

However, it happens more often than it should (never?). Some things I know she’s lying about, others I just have a suspicion. The ones I have a suspicion about implicate something more serious, but as I don’t have proof or a previous reason to believe she would cheat on me or do something bad/harmful like that, I’m letting it go.

 

I will admit, I can be insecure at times (as is she), and it may put bad thoughts in my head on occasion. I do trust her to be faithful; I’m not the kind of person that would just immediately accuse her. I would have to have a solid reason to believe that, this just all seems odd. Why the lying? Especially if there was nothing to hide?

 

I know she does lie to me sometimes, which was the main reason behind this post, but maybe the more serious stuff is just my insecurity. I really hope so. I’m tired of being hurt by people, and she just seems different; in a good way. Her feelings for me seem to be stronger than anyone else’s I’ve been with and it feels so good. The way she looks at me sometimes just makes me feel helpless.

 

I’m sorry, I wish I could give real examples, but they’re too specific. Actually, I feel a bit weird talking about this here. It feels like I’m going behind her back, and I don’t like that. I just needed someone to listen and to get some of this off of my chest.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess it depends on the nature of the lie: is it done to be deceptive to hide deceptive acts that are outside of the boundaries of your relationship? Or all the lies the "attention getting" types: like overstating qualifications, exaggeration of illnesses, embellishing stories - the type of stuff to overcompensate for her own insecurity and feelings of inferiority or feelings that she needs to impress people? Is her lying done to avoid negative confrontation?

 

I think the first type of lie is bad. It is done with malicious intent. It may be passive, but it is malicious nonetheless - as it is something done with full knowledge that the lie and the actions that caused the person to lie are going to hurt the other partner. Another sub-example would be the 'revenge lies' - those where they lie about people in the past, what they have done and stuff like that - when no such things happened. If it is used to garner sympathy, then the intent isn't malicious so much as it is self-serving.

 

The second type is very typical. Harmful to herself, and puzzling to others - but not malicious. Sometimes people will lie to the point where they become the lie and are trapped inside wanting nothing but to be able to tell the truth again: about themselves, about their experiences, about others...

 

The third type is the "avoidance lie" - people will lie about things simply to avoid negative interaction. A case in point would be someone who lies to a jealous person about talking to someone of the opposite sex. Even though NOTHING went on, they'll lie about it just to avoid unpleasant emotional interaction that is bound to happen.

 

The best thing to do is just to point blank ask about these examples you mentioned. Be tactful and gentle, but let her know you are concerned when she says stuff that you know isn't necessarily true. Then ask her why she does it - get her talking to you about what it is inside that causes her to do this. Is it borne from negative things? Is it uncontrollable? Is she avoiding conflict? Whichever the case, you can continue to gently call her back to herself with a reality check or if its something pathological, then perhaps you can help her set up some counseling.

[tattoomytoe]

if i tell a white lie to my bf, it is usually cause i think he will think less of me when i fake sick and take off work. or i will tell him i went to exercise when i did not. Why? cause he will give me a hard time and rather that than saying none of your business.

 

it is not the right thing to do, i know, and this sound terrible but, i really do not plan on marring this guy, so i really am not all that concerned....Plus the reason i do lie is cause i am afraid he will judge me, which again...if i marry someone it will not be someone i lie to or feel unfairly judged by.

[Dino]

I don't think that her lying is malicious, although I suppose it's always a possibility. So far there really hasn't been anything bad she's lied about (at least to my knowledge). There just really should be no reason for it. Who's to say it won't get worse, and she lies more often? It just worries me.

 

Anyway, thank you for your thoughts.

[tanbark813]

I know exactly what you mean. Do a search on all the posts I've put up here in the past year and read them thoroughly. My (now ex) gf lied about little things all the time. I told her I was concerned that if she could lie about stupid stuff, she could lie about big stuff. She swore she wouldn't lie about anything big. Of course, that was an empty promise as I finally found out about her going to Tahoe with some other guy when she claimed it was her girl friend and lying to me about it for months. I found out about other big lies later.

 

Also look up some of savethedrama4yrmama's posts. She was in the same type of situation.

 

Good luck, bro.

 

**edit: One last thing: Always, always, always go with your gut instinct if you're ever unsure about something and can't find tangible evidence.

 

Always.

[emopunk]

Ah lies... little or big, the end result they bring is always the same.

[CIE]

One thing I keep trying to adopt is the "no lie" policy. Big or little it doesnt matter. Im in a LDR and ive only used white lies a handfull of times over the past year.

 

I guess a white lie IS better than "none of your buisness" but dont use that too often, and dont use it at something that if evnetually be found out might make your bf/gf raise an eyebrow.

 

In the end white lies like this just make you wonder if they are lying every single time that he/she cant make it even if you have no basis to be worried. Wich joins up with what tan was saying. If someone is willing to lie about silly things you may not even care about, what about the things that would anger you or sadden you?

 

I always think people make relationships too complex for nothing. I say, if you care for someone you should be open with them and if they really care back then they will keep on caring even though you have bad sides. And if at some point you learn something you cant cope with, then better find out now rather then 10 years from now when you got 2 kids and a morgage to pay back.