Does it get easier?

[Sofie2013]

For last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my affair and everything that happened because of it. I’m still asking myself the same questions I did a month ago and still don’t have the answers I’m looking for. I don’t know if I will ever get the answer I want. The guilty has gotten any easier to live with. Knowing the amount pain I caused the people I love the most and knowing solely because of my actions my family will never complete again isn’t something easy to live by any means. It constantly eats away at me. I never thought it would happen to me or I would be the one to cause them so much pain. The three of where my world would anything for them still would yet I’m the reason we will never be one my family again. I will always hate myself for that.

 

I thought by now I would feel differently. At least to have come to terms with happened but I haven’t. I’m trying my best to move on and find a healthy, happy place at least for my two boys but a part me feels like to don’t deserve any of that not after what I did.

 

I guess what I am asking is does it ever get better, do ever get answer you are looking for, does the guilty ever lessen. Or will I always feel this way.

[Clay]

Sofie,

 

You can only move on once you have forgiven yourself. For some of us its really hard to do that. You AP probably never gave it a second thought. You are going to have to come to terms with who you are now and try to focus who you want to be in the future.

 

You are better than most people on this site. I hope you are able to move past this and focus on healing and taking care of your kids.

 

Clay

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sophie...for some FWS..the further out they get...the less sense they can make of the affair.

 

It is largely due to the internal work that they have done. Which hardly seems fair...the more healthier one becomes..the less sense one can make of previous choices.

 

Self forgiveness is the hardest forgiveness to give. A truly remorseful person, expects more from themselves than in forgiving others. Once, you have internally "paid"... (you might need outside help in recognizing that you have paid) you will start to feel better about where/who you are now.

[BetrayedH]

Sophie...for some FWS..the further out they get...the less sense they can make of the affair.

 

It is largely due to the internal work that they have done. Which hardly seems fair...the more healthier one becomes..the less sense one can make of previous choices.

 

Well said. I think many truly remorseful waywards get more and more confused by their behavior the longer they are away from it. It IS as if the healthier they get, the less they can comprehend how they ever used to be that way. Perhaps it's a good sign that you still have some questions about yourself.

[Scott Thomas]

Yes, it gets better. People eventually move on. You'll be hard pressed for a year or two, and might trigger at family events like birthdays or weddings. However, nothing is going to stop you from being the best mom in the world and that should be your goal.

 

Regardless of what other posters say, I think there is a chance your husband might reconcile. Continue trying to win him over and use the remorse as a catalyst to become an excellent parent.

 

Your answer also made me ponder about something that I hadn't thought about. My wife and I reconciled after five years but the idea that 'we failed in our chance to make it perfect' does linger in the back if my mind.

Perhaps it's the regret, the 'what if', the 'wasted our shot at perfection'. Our ideas about perfect romance and happy-ever after endings also contribute to the despair we might feel.

It may seem odd but during my days in the army, my superior officer told me to accept things because a) everything happens for the greater good, and if this doesn't make sense then b) shi* happens.

 

Anyway, we should examine the past but waisting years thinking about it isn't the solution. Who knows what the future knows, so let's embrace it with open arms and make the best of our circumstances.

[stillafool]

 

I guess what I am asking is does it ever get better, do ever get answer you are looking for, does the guilty ever lessen. Or will I always feel this way.

 

No you won't always feel the way you do now and it will get better with time. It really will get better as time goes by. I don't know if you work or not, but getting a job and staying really busy will help alot. I don't know that you should continue to hold out for reconciliation with your husband because that is keeping you sad because it isn't happening. I think you should move on with your life, continue to be the best mom you can, and hopefully one day you and your husband will get back together.

Edited April 9, 2014 by stillafool

[aliveagain]

Time makes everything hurt less, time does not necessarily make things better. What you had is the better your trying to get back but at the time you didn't believe what you had was that good or you wouldn't have done what you did. I think the real problem in your marriage had to do with the way you communicated with each other. Your still parents with the same beautiful children but the chances are very high that you will both be introducing new partners to your children at some point. You can't change what is done but you can change the behaviour that allowed you to do it. Focus on yourself and protect your children from anymore hurt.

[gettingstronger]

My husband seemed to feel worse for about a year as he came to terms with what he did. He is still in the process of forgiving himself and it's been 14 months.

[Spectre]

It sometimes gets better, but the triggers will always be there for the rest of their lives, which is why people who get divorced, etc. over cheating usually do not end up back together. You never know what might trigger a flashback to those horrible memories. The pain might lessen, but you will never have that special bond you once shared, that has been shattered. Again that is why most people who divorce stay divorced. Not that they never marry again, it's just that it is not to the same person.

 

I think once you find someone new and you are very aware of the things you did that caused your last relationship to fail..and you can recognize those things and make a conscious choice to not treat this partner the way you treated your previous one. It starts to become easier upon realizing some small amount of good came from the situation, in that you learned how fragile hearts can be, and that you are now sure you will never destroy another person like that again.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Spectre

[GTH]

I haven't read your story, but I had an affair 4 years ago that lasted a few months. I won't go into the details but it was also something I never thought I'd do. I fell in love with the other guy and doubted I would ever really be head over heels for my husband again. I believed he deserved better than me and the guilt overwhelmed me as well. I left the other man, and I ended up telling my husband what I had been doing, knowing he deserved the truth. He let me know he wanted to stay married.

 

My husband and I completely changed our marriage and our relationship. We learned to communicate, spend more time together, and just respect and lift each other up. Yes, it was hard, really hard. There were times we both wanted to give up. What happened will never be forgotten, but it's more distant now. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are teenagers again. I don't want to be away from him. He snuggles with me all the time and teases me.

 

If you really love someone, you do what it takes to make a good life for you both. You do forgive yourself and know how fragile and flawed we all our, but we can't continue to use weakness as an excuse. We become stronger by doing what it right. Staying on that straight path, day after day, week after week, year after year transforms your mind and heart. Eventually you don't recognize that sad, hurting person who ran to another man for relief...or you just feel sorry for her.

 

I am 10 times stronger and wiser than I was 4 years ago. I am 20 times happier! Turn something horrible into a learning experience and make the most of your life and love your husband with a love he's never imagined. Show it, say it, and live it. 4 years seems like a long time, but there is no time limit to healing. The scar will always be there, but the pain will diminish. By the way, I am very much in love with my husband. The more time I spent appreciating him and really seeing things clearly, the easier it was. He is my everything.

Edited April 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sidney2718]

Sofie: Perhaps the hardest part is the day to day hanging in there. There is not only the pain you caused your husband and your kids (though I think they are still too young to fully understand), but you caused yourself pain. It is hard facing the fact that you've screwed up.

 

That's a common problem. It doesn't have to be infidelity. It can be from driving while intoxicated and smashing up the car, or being careless and letting a fire start in the house, or even something as simple as spending too much money on something you didn't need. There is real pain there and can't be cured by divorce since you can't divorce yourself.

 

But I do believe that it will get better. As someone already noted, you have to forgive yourself too. That doesn't mean pretending that it didn't happen, but accepting the fact that it did and moving on. Don't let beating yourself up keep you down!

 

And we are still rooting for you!

[whatatangledweb]

For last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about my affair and everything that happened because of it. I’m still asking myself the same questions I did a month ago and still don’t have the answers I’m looking for. I don’t know if I will ever get the answer I want. The guilty has gotten any easier to live with. Knowing the amount pain I caused the people I love the most and knowing solely because of my actions my family will never complete again isn’t something easy to live by any means. It constantly eats away at me. I never thought it would happen to me or I would be the one to cause them so much pain. The three of where my world would anything for them still would yet I’m the reason we will never be one my family again. I will always hate myself for that.

 

I thought by now I would feel differently. At least to have come to terms with happened but I haven’t. I’m trying my best to move on and find a healthy, happy place at least for my two boys but a part me feels like to don’t deserve any of that not after what I did.

 

I guess what I am asking is does it ever get better, do ever get answer you are looking for, does the guilty ever lessen. Or will I always feel this way.

 

Over time things get easier. But it depends on what you do with the time. I think with you it has not gotten easier yet because you hold onto hope that you will get back together. Then as your hope lessens you start to despair. You may also be like my husband. He needed my forgiveness and that took some time for me. He has yet to forgive himself even though I did. My forgiveness did allow him to believe in himself again.

 

My heart breaks for you. You made a very bad choice but you are beyond remorseful. I wish he had given you a second chance. A bad choice does not make you a bad person. You seem like a very nice, kind hearted person.

[miguelcervantes]

Hi Sofie - nice to have you back. It is going to get better and easier but not for a little while. It is still too soon for you.

 

Part of becoming a better you is learning to understand what you did, own it, be remorseful for it - BUT THEN - move on. You cannot keep looking at your sons and thinking that their lives have been ruined by your actions.

 

Life is life - we all do wrong things - make the wrong choices - and then learn from them and move on. Your sons' life will be just that - their life - and they will be fine - just be sure to be there for them and continue to try and be the best mother for them going forward.

 

Continually blaming yourself is not being the best you that you can be. It is destructive for you and eventually for your boys.

 

So keep your chin up and carry on being the best you - this means finding things to do that are positive, spending time with your kids, supporting your ex-hubby whenever he needs it but giving him space and being a generally awesome Sofie!

 

Take care!

[dichotomy]

Hi Sofie - nice to have you back. It is going to get better and easier but not for a little while. It is still too soon for you.

 

Part of becoming a better you is learning to understand what you did, own it, be remorseful for it - BUT THEN - move on. You cannot keep looking at your sons and thinking that their lives have been ruined by your actions.

 

Life is life - we all do wrong things - make the wrong choices - and then learn from them and move on. Your sons' life will be just that - their life - and they will be fine - just be sure to be there for them and continue to try and be the best mother for them going forward.

 

Continually blaming yourself is not being the best you that you can be. It is destructive for you and eventually for your boys.

 

So keep your chin up and carry on being the best you - this means finding things to do that are positive, spending time with your kids, supporting your ex-hubby whenever he needs it but giving him space and being a generally awesome Sofie!

 

Take care!

 

I do think you and your husband need to come to some idea why. Part of my healing process was to understand (psychoanalyze actually) why my wife did what she did, what she really felt. She lied a lot, trickle Truth, but also I do believe sometimes she does not know herself complete 100% why. I also think sometimes she now many years later she forgets some of what happens - denial - or mind refusing to remember what exactly she it -for self protection. After many years she finally ended up in therapy - but would have been better when it was fresh in her mind.

 

But if you don't at least try to get to some basic understanding of why (even if that's a simple - I was weak - I have/had a weakness) then you can't work to avoid this in the future.

 

I think whether WS or BS - part of moving forward is hope that the past won't be repeated (or not so easily at least)...or we understand and can close that chapter - resolution. We need to know ourselves, our limitations - and those of our partners.

 

But will admit its hard sometimes to understand.

Edited April 14, 2014 by dichotomy

[Fluttershy]

Your story and Sophie's are apple and pears... you got away with it and she didn't. You obviously have been able to forgive yourself because your consequences were not as devastating as Sophie's are.

You feel that you are now happier and stronger because you got away with what you did while Sophie is feeling miserable because she has lost everything.

 

What a horrible and misguided thing to say. This person's story is different than sophie's but she didn't get away with it. We don't know what their reconciliaion was like or what she changed in herself. People giving someone a second chance isn't letting them get away with it. As a bS putting up with multiple affairs, never ending gaslighting, blameshifting, and bending over backwards to keep the WS who was the one that f'd up is lettin the Ws get away with it. Or if the Ws never confesses they "got away with it". But nothing this poster said implies "she got away with. realize that forgiving someone is not saying their behaviour was okay. And reconciling with a truy remorseful wayward is not saying their affair was okay.

 

 

If the only reason a person doesn't reconcile with their spouse is becaus they want to punish their WS for the rest of their life so they don't think they "got away with it" that is sad, pathetic and a poor excuse to give up their kids haveing a whole home.

 

I don't mind people finding they just don't want to forgive the infidelity and that there is nothing worth saving. That id their perrogative. But this mindset? Yuck, it shows a complete ignorance of what really takes place during reconcilition.

[Striver]

If the only reason a person doesn't reconcile with their spouse is becaus they want to punish their WS for the rest of their life so they don't think they "got away with it" that is sad, pathetic and a poor excuse to give up their kids haveing a whole home.

 

I don't mind people finding they just don't want to forgive the infidelity and that there is nothing worth saving. That id their perrogative. But this mindset? Yuck, it shows a complete ignorance of what really takes place during reconcilition.

 

In Sofie's case we don't know much of what her XH is thinking. He seems to hold it all in a lot anyway. She was in the A for about 6 months and it's been about 8 months since DDay, so it's still a fairly fresh situation.

 

Maybe XH felt this was the only way. Sofie has been super remorseful, but their discovery was pretty rough. Only thing worse would have been him walking in on her. That might be tough to overcome.

 

Yes, XH will need to forgive Sofie sometime for himself as well as for her. If they ever get back together or not. We all know the stats on second marriages, which is a good reason to try really hard to save the first one.

 

I'm assuming there are support groups for divorce in NYC. Maybe Sofie should seek one out. I just don't want her feeling isolated and alone in this. A support group might help her continue to work to maintain being a different and better person than the one who had the A.

[Fluttershy]

In Sofie's case we don't know much of what her XH is thinking. He seems to hold it all in a lot anyway. She was in the A for about 6 months and it's been about 8 months since DDay, so it's still a fairly fresh situation.

 

Maybe XH felt this was the only way. Sofie has been super remorseful, but their discovery was pretty rough. Only thing worse would have been him walking in on her. That might be tough to overcome.

 

Yes, XH will need to forgive Sofie sometime for himself as well as for her. If they ever get back together or not. We all know the stats on second marriages, which is a good reason to try really hard to save the first one.

 

I'm assuming there are support groups for divorce in NYC. Maybe Sofie should seek one out. I just don't want her feeling isolated and alone in this. A support group might help her continue to work to maintain being a different and better person than the one who had the A.

 

 

My post was not for sophie's husband but for the poster who thought it necessary to tell someone she got away with her cheating because she got a chance. A very nagative and unhelpful view to have on a forum that is for support. And something that would apply to sophie if her husband on a veru slim chance gets back together. Then in that midset she got away with her cheating. Or this divorce wasn't for healthy reasons but rather as an all might arrogent punishment done by the H. I think sophie's h is better than that. I think the marriage is sincerely over for him and he isn't sonweak as to think reconciling would be "her getting away with it". And should he consider a new relationship with her it will be because he still loves her and wants to make his family whole again. Because the ball is in his court now.

 

Cheating is a choice.

 

And so is reconciliation (though sometimes not the good one to make)

And so is divorce.

[Sofie2013]

This thread was not really about ex-husband. I already know we aren’t getting back together it just isn’t going to happen. I wished and hoped things would have happened differently than they did. The thread was more about how do I move on with the amount of pain and guilty I still carry.

[Betterthanthis13]

This thread was not really about ex-husband. I already know we aren’t getting back together it just isn’t going to happen. I wished and hoped things would have happened differently than they did. The thread was more about how do I move on with the amount of pain and guilty I still carry.

 

What are your thoughts on forgiving yourself? What would forgiving yourself look like? What types of things are holding you back from forgiving yourself? How will your ability to forgive yourself (or not) affect your life as well as your children's lives?

 

Thinking about some of those questions might be a good start? Also you are potentially helping other people who are currently struggling with A's by sharing your story and perspective on LS and by posting advice in their threads.

[Spectre]

This thread was not really about ex-husband. I already know we aren’t getting back together it just isn’t going to happen. I wished and hoped things would have happened differently than they did. The thread was more about how do I move on with the amount of pain and guilty I still carry.

 

I think this is a big step in the right direction, realizing that you and your husband will never be together again. It will make it easier to begin forgiving yourself.

 

As for how you move on? You take it day by day. Whenever you do find someone new remember that pain you feel now, it will help you to never repeat this behavior.

[Striver]

This thread was not really about ex-husband. I already know we aren’t getting back together it just isn’t going to happen. I wished and hoped things would have happened differently than they did. The thread was more about how do I move on with the amount of pain and guilty I still carry.

 

Sofie, one day you will need to forgive yourself. That will help. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, but you will need to do it to be the best you can be for the rest of your life.

 

You can also learn from the experience. Sounds bad, no one wants to go through this, but are there any positives that can come from it? You can make sure it doesn't happen in a relationship again, but is there any way you can become a better person beyond romantic relationships? Be more involved in charity, be a better friend to others? You're still here, pick up what you've got and make the best of it that you can.

 

Also, maybe an attitude of acceptance or surrender. I think any of us are capable of making big mistakes, hurting people. Given the right circumstances, I could do what you have done. We are all just strugglers, born into a world we didn't make with abilities and disabilities we didn't ask for. Any sort of connection to a higher power, or just a belief that we're little mortal beings in an enormous universe that may have been here forever, might help here. Or more formal religion, if that works for you.

 

Hope this helps.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

You screwed up. The consequences suck. Sounds like you face those facts square. Good on you for that.

 

Recognising your own mistakes and flaws is hard. A further flaw is to wallow downheartedly. If you have learnt from your mistakes, you can still have a good life, even if not the life you lost.

 

Don't give in or give up. Best wishes to you.

[Friskyone4u]

Sofie, since you are pretty sure hour ex H is not going to R with you, at some point part of the healing process for you will be to get back some form of social life. I think when you thought your husband might not file for D that you were concerned that he would react badly if you went on a date. At some point of your choosing you need to begin to see men again. Part of working on yourself is not to be at it 24/7 and that means having some fun. At this point your ex H has no right to expect anything from you but to be a good Mom when u see the kids. People do R after long separations and D but in the meantime you need to go on with your life and stop beating yourself up . I think you are intelligent enough to not cheat again having seen first hand the consequences. It's too bad all the women posting here that are still in affairs have not read your entire post

Good luck

[Sofie2013]

I think this is a big step in the right direction, realizing that you and your husband will never be together again. It will make it easier to begin forgiving yourself.

 

As for how you move on? You take it day by day. Whenever you do find someone new remember that pain you feel now, it will help you to never repeat this behavior.

 

 

 

The realizing my ex and I won’t be together hasn’t made forgiving my any easier it making it harder. Al least when I had hope was motivated in bettering myself so I could be a better to wife and mother. Now I don’t really have any motivation.

[Fluttershy]

The realizing my ex and I won’t be together hasn’t made forgiving my any easier it making it harder. Al least when I had hope was motivated in bettering myself so I could be a better to wife and mother. Now I don’t really have any motivation.

 

Have you seen a shrink? You sound depressed and that is totally understandable. You can still be a good mother and life will get better. They say exercise is good for warding off depression. Or a very involved hobby. Find something besides your boys to occupy you and take each day at a time. Life will get better if you put in the effort to make it so.