Man Mountain Makino Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 The realizing my ex and I won’t be together hasn’t made forgiving my any easier it making it harder. Al least when I had hope was motivated in bettering myself so I could be a better to wife and mother. Now I don’t really have any motivation. Sophie, Be realistic and keep your expectations sound, but don't throw in the towel. It's only been a few weeks. Work on yourself for now, but see what happens in the coming months. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Sophie, Be realistic and keep your expectations sound, but don't throw in the towel. It's only been a few weeks. Work on yourself for now, but see what happens in the coming months. I agree with this. Sofie has been through a lot of emotional tension over the past few weeks and it has not given her any result that she wanted. But it is early days yet. I know that it has been an eternity to Sofie and I know that she does sound depressed. But Man Mountain is right. No quitting and work on yourself. Involve yourself with family activities and social life, and keep your fingers crossed! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veritas lux mea Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 (((Sophie))) Hang in there. I feel like you deserved a second chance far more than I did. I am sorry you didn't get one with your xH. But you may get one given to you in life. Try to keep treading water and be the best mom you can be. I have many good friends who grew up in split homes and turned out amazing. You have not ruined your children's lives. Not if you start and continue to make good choices. And when you mess up, own it and get back up again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Have you seen a shrink? You sound depressed and that is totally understandable. You can still be a good mother and life will get better. They say exercise is good for warding off depression. Or a very involved hobby. Find something besides your boys to occupy you and take each day at a time. Life will get better if you put in the effort to make it so. I have been going to IC for a while now for about 6-7. I don’t know if I’m depressed I don’t think so. I have been doing my own thing. I have been going to the gym and exercising. I have lost about 20 lbs since Dday looks wise I look as good as I did when I was in college . I picked up a few of my old hobbies, I stared playing tennis with my sister over the weekends. Me and my sister are also going to take up a few art classes. I do try to keep my mind occupy by doing new and different things sometimes it works other time not so much 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 What are your thoughts on forgiving yourself? What would forgiving yourself look like? What types of things are holding you back from forgiving yourself? How will your ability to forgive yourself (or not) affect your life as well as your children's lives? Thinking about some of those questions might be a good start? Also you are potentially helping other people who are currently struggling with A's by sharing your story and perspective on LS and by posting advice in their threads. I thought all day yesterday about those questions and I don’t really know how to answer them yet. They have given me a lot to think about. I really don’t like to post on other thread mostly because I don’t feel like I’m in the right state of mind to give any good advice and I never really been great at giving advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 The realizing my ex and I won’t be together hasn’t made forgiving my any easier it making it harder. Al least when I had hope was motivated in bettering myself so I could be a better to wife and mother. Now I don’t really have any motivation. It's unfortunate you choose to see it that way. At least this way both you and your husband have a chance at finding happiness with other people, and your kids will ALWAYS be your kids, no matter what. Even if you can't be a better wife to your husband, you can still be a better mother, that won't change. Plus, in the future, you just might be able to be a better wife for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Your story and Sophie's are apple and pears... you got away with it and she didn't. You obviously have been able to forgive yourself because your consequences were not as devastating as Sophie's are. You feel that you are now happier and stronger because you got away with what you did while Sophie is feeling miserable because she has lost everything. What a horrible and misguided thing to say.Actually, funny has a very strong point Regret is always stronger when it's accompanied by negative consequences. In Sophie's case, her husband dumped her for cheating on him. In the other cheater's case, her husband chose to stay with her. That's a fundamental difference you can't ignore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I have been going to IC for a while now for about 6-7. I don’t know if I’m depressed I don’t think so. I have been doing my own thing. I have been going to the gym and exercising. I have lost about 20 lbs since Dday looks wise I look as good as I did when I was in college . I picked up a few of my old hobbies, I stared playing tennis with my sister over the weekends. Me and my sister are also going to take up a few art classes. I do try to keep my mind occupy by doing new and different things sometimes it works other time not so much I think what you need Sophie, is patience. I have never been in your shoes, but have been on the other side and do see similarities. I too wanted to move on with life, I knew the relationship was over. I just wanted my life to be normal again, in some form or fashion. I too did exercise, hobbies and still there were those days that I just lamented the loss of the relationship. I searched for things that I could have done, where you ask "why did I do this?". I doubt you will actually come to a logical conclusion, since it was not a logical action. The cure for me was time, about 18 months to be exact, though this would be different for everybody. Finally I met a lovely lady, who changed my world. In your case, you are kind of on hold until the divorce is over and even then it will take time before you are ready for a new relationship. I wish your husband had been able to attempt reconciliation, but it just wasn't in him. While you know that you did wrong and reconciliation did not happen, it is not the end of life. You still have too boys that need you very much and where your efforts should lie. Plan as many fun events as you can and take your pleasure there. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Actually, funny has a very strong point Regret is always stronger when it's accompanied by negative consequences. In Sophie's case, her husband dumped her for cheating on him. In the other cheater's case, her husband chose to stay with her. That's a fundamental difference you can't ignore. I wasn't arguing that the the post was apples to oranges. I was disagreeing with the idea that the one poster "got away with it" because she got a second chance despite the fact in one post we don't know what their R is entailing. On a xWW's post of lost hope saying that if she did or does get a second chance it will mean she got away with it is unhelpful and wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I wasn't arguing that the the post was apples to oranges. I was disagreeing with the idea that the one poster "got away with it" because she got a second chance despite the fact in one post we don't know what their R is entailing. On a xWW's post of lost hope saying that if she did or does get a second chance it will mean she got away with it is unhelpful and wrong. Perhaps, but if a person cheats and is then not broken up with..isn't that getting away with it? By definition they have gotten away with it. If they did not, there would be no relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Perhaps, but if a person cheats and is then not broken up with..isn't that getting away with it? By definition they have gotten away with it. If they did not, there would be no relationship. Not if they had to face consequences. The people who have got away with it or the one's who spouse's never find out or rug sweep. My husband could have "got away with it" maybe but he confessed and then went through hell because of his actions. As someone who lives with him I can say with a 100% certainty he did not just get away with it. But this is a huge topic jump. I'm done because i know people who do not ever agree with forgiveness and second chances will never even try to understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) Not if they had to face consequences. The people who have got away with it or the one's who spouse's never find out or rug sweep. My husband could have "got away with it" maybe but he confessed and then went through hell because of his actions. As someone who lives with him I can say with a 100% certainty he did not just get away with it. But this is a huge topic jump. I'm done because i know people who do not ever agree with forgiveness and second chances will never even try to understand. But what consequences are we talking about here? The consequences of not being able to carry on an affair? It's not like the person is being grounded with no tv for 2 weeks or something. I agree that if someone is forgiven they still need to work on rebuilding trust, but technically that doesn't mean they didn't get away with it, they did. Maybe they have to check in more often or open the lines of communication more, but that should of been stuff they should of been doing already. If the "consequence" is a mere slap on the wrist, well..that's not much of a consequence at all. I certainly understand what you are saying, but when you get right down to it..you do get away with it if you are forgiven. Unless you are dumped and many years later you get back together or something. I'm not saying it is wrong to forgive or anything of that nature. Edited April 17, 2014 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 But what consequences are we talking about here? The consequences of not being able to carry on an affair? It's not like the person is being grounded with no tv for 2 weeks or something. I agree that if someone is forgiven they still need to work on rebuilding trust, but technically that doesn't mean they didn't get away with it, they did. Maybe they have to check in more often or open the lines of communication more, but that should of been stuff they should of been doing already. If the "consequence" is a mere slap on the wrist, well..that's not much of a consequence at all. Exposure to family, friends and children Living with the wounded BS that you wounded Reconciling with yourself Not knowing if your marriage will be saved Loss of friends at times Loss of job sometimes And many many more Consequences don't have to last a lifetime. And some of those things though they get easier with time never go away. So choosing to give someone a second chance does not mean they got away with it. Divorce isn't the only consequence of infidelity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Exposure to family, friends and children Living with the wounded BS that you wounded Reconciling with yourself Not knowing if your marriage will be saved Loss of friends at times Loss of job sometimes And many many more Consequences don't have to last a lifetime. And some of those things though they get easier with time never go away. So choosing to give someone a second chance does not mean they got away with it. Divorce isn't the only consequence of infidelity. Yes. but not everyone handles it that way in terms of telling the family and friends, etc. Not everyone loses a job, etc. I'm not saying there can't be, but yes it IS possible to essentially get away with it, even if you are found out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Perhaps, but if a person cheats and is then not broken up with..isn't that getting away with it? By definition they have gotten away with it. If they did not, there would be no relationship. From my point of view it is about living happily ever after, or as close to that as one can come. It isn't about "getting away with it". The notion of "getting away with it" seems to be a men's notion. I've never seen a woman use that phrase. The notion seems to upset some men who must see it as demeaning to allow a wife to "get away with it." Sometimes the best overall result for everyone is reconciliation. Sometimes it isn't. It isn't possible to know which is which ahead of time and so whichever route is chosen is a guess at best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Perhaps, but if a person cheats and is then not broken up with..isn't that getting away with it? By definition they have gotten away with it. If they did not, there would be no relationship. I get why BS's who have chosen a certain mindset think this, but if someone with any perspective actually thinks about it....the notion that a truly remorseful FWS who has owned what they did "got away with it" just because they stayed married.... Well, you have to just DECIDE to think that. I cn tell you that regardless of the status of reconciliation, once you realize what a truly terrible and inexcusable thing you did, there is no such thing as getting away with it unless you have a shallow definition of that phrase. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Well, you have to just DECIDE to think that. I cn tell you that regardless of the status of reconciliation, once you realize what a truly terrible and inexcusable thing you did, there is no such thing as getting away with it unless you have a shallow definition of that phrase. You hit the nail on the head though, because cheating is ALL ABOUT having shallow definitions of phrases, is it not? Phrases like "I Love you" and "for better or worse" and "I'll never betray or cheat on you". I could sit here and list the entire list of standard wedding vows cheaters have shallow definitions of, but I'm guessing you get the point and I don't need to do that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 From my point of view it is about living happily ever after, or as close to that as one can come. It isn't about "getting away with it". The notion of "getting away with it" seems to be a men's notion. I've never seen a woman use that phrase. The notion seems to upset some men who must see it as demeaning to allow a wife to "get away with it." Sometimes the best overall result for everyone is reconciliation. Sometimes it isn't. It isn't possible to know which is which ahead of time and so whichever route is chosen is a guess at best. I agree! I don't see how a BS forgiving the WS means the WS is getting away with it. R is not better than D or vice versa. The BS has to make the choice that best fits them. Sophie, I just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Chin up! Everything is going to be okay in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cpt Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 I have been an active follower of your story Sophie. I hope this doesn't sound like a personal attack, but you need to stop your pity party. I say this because earlier you mentioned that you lost motivation to self improve since you realized you and your xH won't be getting back together. Do you see whats wrong with that? ^ You put your self worth in your xH. You should do all self improvement for YOU, not for your kids and certainly not for you xH. I agree with some posters comments about self forgiveness being the hardest form of forgiveness, but at this point you need to realize that your life will not get any better if you drown yourself in self pity, and you will not genuinely improve if you only aim to improve to be a "better wife" or "better mother". What you need to focus on is being a "better person" for yourself. I have a feeling that what you're feeling right now isn't depression, its loneliness. When you're feeling lonely you tend to think a lot, especially negative thoughts. Misery loves company, and the more you feed negative thoughts, the more you feel "guilty" and you're certainly not going to get any better in improving your life with a negative mindset. How can she feel lonely when she has a lot of people around her, everyone might ask. Loneliness is not when somebody is alone, loneliness is when you have all those people around you but you feel alone. So in short, yes it does get better Sophie, but thats entirely up to you. Chalk this entire experience as a learning experience, and be a better you emotionally/mentally/spiritually not just physcially 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Not if they had to face consequences. The people who have got away with it or the one's who spouse's never find out or rug sweep. My husband could have "got away with it" maybe but he confessed and then went through hell because of his actions. As someone who lives with him I can say with a 100% certainty he did not just get away with it. But this is a huge topic jump. I'm done because i know people who do not ever agree with forgiveness and second chances will never even try to understand. I think forgiveness is necessary for the BS to move forward; however just because you forgive a person doesn't mean you want to give them a second chance to hurt you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hard2c Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 sofie it is not guilt that you suffering from but rather panic fueled anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I think forgiveness is necessary for the BS to move forward; however just because you forgive a person doesn't mean you want to give them a second chance to hurt you. I think Sofie is past that. She was hoping for a reconciliation after her husband had "gotten his revenge" by divorcing her. Something has happened that makes Sofie feel as if reconciliation is simply out of the question. I don't know what. If it is simply because nothing has happened yet, I'd guess that it is too soon for that. If he has said something, that doesn't mean that he'll not change his mind. But if he's found a serious girlfriend, that would present a problem What should Sofie do? That's hard to say not knowing the actual situation other than the bare fact that Sofie has given up on her husband. I hope she comes back and tells us. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 This thread was not really about ex-husband. I already know we aren’t getting back together it just isn’t going to happen. I wished and hoped things would have happened differently than they did. The thread was more about how do I move on with the amount of pain and guilty I still carry. I am sorry you feel this way. Unfortunetly the actions just change your life. Hopefully you will find someone that you can start fresh with in a monogamous relationship. I left my first H as well. He was cheating over some time and I was pregnant and we already had a 1 year old. I think the shock that he could do this to our family and the hurt and humiliation was just too much to bear for me at that time in my life. I was much younger and I thought that I had married my soul mate. I swore he'd never do that to me or us or his unborn daughter. But he did. You have your kids and your life to focus on now. Life has taught you important life lessons. Now you know what NOT to do in the next relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Just wait for the next chapter in your life Sofie. A new day will dawn, and it can be that one day you will look back on this and understand why it all had to be for you to one day become the well seasoned person that you will one day be. Through your journeys you have learned much, thus it will be you to help others weather their storms when those times come. Edited April 22, 2014 by Jonah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
suckerpunch55 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 At least you feel true guilt, I get the feeling that my wife is pushing the blame of her affair on to me and it's getting to the point where I feel everything I did wrong caused her to turn to another man. Good luck to you in the future Link to post Share on other sites
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