Does it get easier?

[hard2c]

At least you feel true guilt, I get the feeling that my wife is pushing the blame of her affair on to me and it's getting to the point where I feel everything I did wrong caused her to turn to another man. Good luck to you in the future

xww shifted the blame unto me for her affair, you'd often hear her claim that I or some circumstance made her do what she did instead of acknowledging that she had a choice about how to respond to the situation and failed to choose wisely. At least sofie accepted the blame this helps lift some of the guilt.

[sidney2718]

Sofie, we are still here if needed!

[janedoe67]

sofie it is not guilt that you suffering from but rather panic fueled anxiety.

 

Unless you are that psychic on Lifetime you cannot possibly know that.

[hard2c]

Unless you are that psychic on Lifetime you cannot possibly know that.

No don't believe in psychics or walking through walls, changing my thoughts, soul mates, G-d.

[bigman1]

Sophie, it does get better. Maybe you and H are never to reunite, but you still have to be co-parents. Therefore, for the sake of your kids, your relationship with your BH will get better, which is not to say reconciled.

 

As for your guilt, well you are gonna feel that for a long time. Of course, the better you become at being co-parents and the less damage on your kids, the better. That you destroyed their former family is a done deal. You cannot undo that. You cannot sit there, you have to move on.

 

I do feel that it is part of any cheating spouse's personal penance to feel guilt and shame with the knowledge that they destroyed a family. It discourages others who hear the tale. That is not to say that you must hang your head or beat yourself up every day. Nor do you deserve a lifetime of it. It is just knowing that you did it and it did not have to be. Whether you reunite with BH or someone or no one else, that knowledge cannot be unlearned, nor the deed undone. It is like a tattoo on your soul. But there is more and better.

 

YOU deserve love, respect, happiness, redemption, fulfillment and everything else that you would have had. You gotta start loving yourself again. No one died, no one was disfigured. Hope springs eternal. You are entitled to all the good that life offers. You deserve it and if anyone tries to deny it to you, they can go to He//. That includes you to. You cannot deny yourself those things, so get your mind right.

[hard2c]

Sofie's H is a big earner that is what makes it so hard to walk away. Even though he divorced her, I can almost guarantee that Sofie cut her hair. Why because in uncertain times, people turn tough and militaristic. The buy attack dogs like Doberman Pincers, German Shepherds.

 

Add it all up, and we find that when times are tough, people turn to unlikely sources to help them regain a sense of control, authoritarian religions, bigger dogs, 12 step, bloggers lastly even shorter hair.

[Sofie2013]

I think Sofie is past that. She was hoping for a reconciliation after her husband had "gotten his revenge" by divorcing her. Something has happened that makes Sofie feel as if reconciliation is simply out of the question. I don't know what.

 

If it is simply because nothing has happened yet, I'd guess that it is too soon for that.

 

If he has said something, that doesn't mean that he'll not change his mind.

 

But if he's found a serious girlfriend, that would present a problem

 

What should Sofie do? That's hard to say not knowing the actual situation other than the bare fact that Sofie has given up on her husband.

 

I hope she comes back and tells us.

 

 

 

 

I don’t believe went straight to divorce because he wanted some kind of revenge but for his pride. I know a lot of people think it’s about revenge. I think that’s it’s his pride and big reason why he won’t try to reconcile.

 

He has started seeing other women. So yeah I fell that has pretty much crushed any chance we would ever be together. Although at the time I made this thread I didn’t know he was seeing other women. I found out a few days ago. I doubt it serious since from what I know he’s seeing more than one right now. At the time I made this thread I still hoped to reconcile but my counselor has told to start to focus on becoming someone my ex would want to be with and to do that I need to move on first. My counselor said had to reach a place of personal happiness before I could have any kind of meaningful relationship with any one.

 

As what am I going to do I don’t know. I have spent the last few days crying. I am truly heartbroken right. What hurts the most is he would still text me once in a while sometimes they be a little flirty and sometimes he would end them with I love you. This last Wednesday we had a similar kind of conversation via text. A part of me feels like he has been lying to me. I really feel like I was stabbed in the heart. I thought the pain I felt on dday was bad but the way I feel now doesn’t even compare to the pain I’m feeling now. I haven’t been able to do nothing but cry. I had to call my mother so she could help with the kids and I even asked to drop them off at his place because I not know if I’m strong enough to see him right now. I just can’t function right now I haven’t been able to eat or sleep.

[Smilecharmer]

Sofie, it seems he is moving on and maybe you need to do the same. I know you want him back but he may never see you the same after you cheated on him. I know I wouldn't and even though I would be friendly for the children, maybe even flirt and have sex, I wouldn't want a cheater as my spouse. I don't mean to be harsh but I read this thread and your other thread after D day and I think your husband loves you, but he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Acceptance is kinder to yourself than putting yourself through hoping for something that he won't give you. Next time you find someone special, you will know how fragile marriage can be.

[Striver]

I don’t believe went straight to divorce because he wanted some kind of revenge but for his pride. I know a lot of people think it’s about revenge. I think that’s it’s his pride and big reason why he won’t try to reconcile.

 

He has started seeing other women. So yeah I fell that has pretty much crushed any chance we would ever be together. Although at the time I made this thread I didn’t know he was seeing other women. I found out a few days ago. I doubt it serious since from what I know he’s seeing more than one right now. At the time I made this thread I still hoped to reconcile but my counselor has told to start to focus on becoming someone my ex would want to be with and to do that I need to move on first. My counselor said had to reach a place of personal happiness before I could have any kind of meaningful relationship with any one.

 

As what am I going to do I don’t know. I have spent the last few days crying. I am truly heartbroken right. What hurts the most is he would still text me once in a while sometimes they be a little flirty and sometimes he would end them with I love you. This last Wednesday we had a similar kind of conversation via text. A part of me feels like he has been lying to me. I really feel like I was stabbed in the heart. I thought the pain I felt on dday was bad but the way I feel now doesn’t even compare to the pain I’m feeling now. I haven’t been able to do nothing but cry. I had to call my mother so she could help with the kids and I even asked to drop them off at his place because I not know if I’m strong enough to see him right now. I just can’t function right now I haven’t been able to eat or sleep.

 

Sofie, sorry to hear this, although I think this is completely necessary for xH. You "dated" your xAP for six months within the marriage, now it is the turn of xH.

 

Your counselor is right on with his/her advice. You need to move on first. Make yourself into a new, better person, attractive and dateworthy. It's possible that after time your xH might add you to the list of women he is seeing. But you would probably be expected to compete with them.

 

Don't want to give you false hope. There are stories on the forum of xWW who have hung in there after divorce. Some never get another chance, some resume the relationship years down the road, and there are stories in progress or in between. It will depend on the particular dynamic between you and xH and whether the hurt can heal.

 

Keep in mind that if there is another chance, it is going to be a long game, so keep yourself occupied with the kids, counseling/support, and some new interests. Give yourself new fun topics to talk about with xH or other friends.

[DKT3]

Sofie, after my divorce I went out and dated a lot of women really fast. I had several ONS. It wasn't so much because I had moved on or even starting to move on. It was more about proving to myself that I was good enough. Sounds sad right?

 

I know you've read and commented on my story so I won't share it. But I will say this, my xww lured me back in recently with her actions. She worked on herself became more independant all the while making it known that she was open to starting over.

 

Point is work on yourself, don't focus on what he is doing. Maybe down the line he will again see the woman he fell in love with. If not your still an improved person. Try not to base so much of your mood on what level of communication you have or him not showing signs that he still loves you. I promise you he does. Don't assume, making assumptions could cause you to damage the relationship more. Even if you never get back, you have little ones so you will always be connected.

[sidney2718]

Sofie, after my divorce I went out and dated a lot of women really fast. I had several ONS. It wasn't so much because I had moved on or even starting to move on. It was more about proving to myself that I was good enough. Sounds sad right?

 

I know you've read and commented on my story so I won't share it. But I will say this, my xww lured me back in recently with her actions. She worked on herself became more independant all the while making it known that she was open to starting over.

 

Point is work on yourself, don't focus on what he is doing. Maybe down the line he will again see the woman he fell in love with. If not your still an improved person. Try not to base so much of your mood on what level of communication you have or him not showing signs that he still loves you. I promise you he does. Don't assume, making assumptions could cause you to damage the relationship more. Even if you never get back, you have little ones so you will always be connected.

 

I agree. No matter what happens, the path forward right now is the same. Work on yourself. You still have friends.

[janedoe67]

I'm hoping the fact that you are not posting means you have decided NOT to wear the scarlet A any longer. Strangers have no business telling you how to accessorize.

[revelations]

Sofie2013,

 

You are probably feeling some combination of guilt, remorse, and shame. Truthfully that is a very good sign. You understand that what you did was horribly wrong and that you hurt others that were very close to you. I know this is a bad place to be. However you can use this to make yourself into a better person. You have first hand knowledge about being a WW, so put that to some good use.

 

I have found that to make peace with these feelings that you have it is best to make an amends. Now ever if you know what the word "amends" means, still look it up and really get to know it. It is always best were possible to make direct amends, I do not know if this is possible in your case. However if it is you may want to ask your xBH what you could do to make amends to him. Now remember that an amends can be any action or task that you perform in order to try and repair some of the damage you have caused.

 

Okay if you cannot make direct amends you can still make indirect amends. Truthfully you can also do both, direct and indirect if possible. Like I stated earlier you have first hand knowledge about a WW's perspective. Use that and be the one to offer insight to that BH that just found out. Share what happened to you with that BH and how you were thinking in the affair and after. You could be a great source of comfort to that new BH. Hell you may even want to tell that BH to use yourself as a sounding board and let him rant, rage and cry. When you know that another woman is tempted to cheat, you can share your wisdom with her and encourage her not to cheat. If you end up dating again, you can be upfront with that new guy and tell him what you did and what you learned. You can reassure him that by being down that road you have improved yourself and will never do that again. These are just a few ways you can make an indirect amends for what you have done.

 

I look at amends very similar to forgiving. Forgiving is more for the person that has been wronged than it is for the person who did the wrong. Amends is more for the person that did the wrong action than it is for the person that is wronged. Making amends is never an easy task, however it goes a long ways towards learning to live with what you did. Next time you are in a relationship you can be that woman that is totally trustworthy. Just remember that amends does not mean the pain goes away. Amends just makes the pain more tolerable for both parties involved. Is what separates you from being a bad WW to a good WW is the action you take afterwards. Like the old saying "sometimes good people just do bad things". A bad WW will blame her BH, justify the affair to her BH, humiliate her BH and of course keep cheating. A good WW shows shame, guild, remorse and empathy. A good WW works on herself and sets up boundaries. She will offer to comfort ro help her BH anyway she can. Let's face it a good WW is a good wife that made a bad decision and has to live with the consequences of her actions. I am pretty sure that you fall under the "good WW' category.

 

So hang in their ((((Sofie2013))))

[Friskyone4u]

Sophie

 

There is no way your husband does not still love you, but for now and who knows for how long, he is still too hurt to even think about trusting you in a romantic relationship. I guarantee you that he is not a joyous camper himself , and just because he is going on dates does not mean he is emotionally having a blast.

You know from all the posts that for most men, their wives having sex with another man is probably the worst thing that can happen to them, and yours was not a one night stand, it also involved lying and deceiving. Like some say some couples do reconcile, even after years. Your children will keep you in some form of contact. That can be good or bad, as you surely will know if he does become serious with someone else. Your therapist I think is giving you good advice to try to heal yourself.

I know because of all the pain you are in and have gone through you may feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is.

Hang in there

[Sofie2013]

It’s been awhile since I last posted so I thought I would give you an update I know a lot of you guys have been following everything and I have gotten some pm’s asking for an update.

 

Things have gotten better. Not much has happened since I last posted. I’m just trying to move on which is a lot harder. I’m still carrying a lot of guilt but it has gotten better with the time that has gone by. I mostly been focusing on my career again which has been going very well.

 

I wish I could say my boys are doing better but they aren’t. I think the whole divorce thing is really sunk in and they know mommy and daddy aren’t going to be together anymore. They stared acting and at point they stopped listening to me. Me and my Ex both talked to them together and made them realize we still loved them both very much that did help and we both decided to put them in counseling. I do have a good weekend planned for them. Most of my side of the family all chipped in and we rented a nice beach house in eastern long island for the weekend so that should be fun.

[harrybrown]

Hope you and your boys have fun.

 

Thanks for the update. I am still hoping for more happiness in your future.

 

I am glad to see that you and your H are working together as parents for your boys.

 

For me, her affair made or let me feel like I was not worth much. She tried to tell me differently, but my self-esteem was in the gutter.

 

Maybe your H is still trying to get back some of his self-esteem. It really is a blow and even though she tells me that I am better than the OM, it was something in her lack of self-esteem, it really rocked me to my core.

 

Maybe time (a long time) will help, but I do like your counselor telling you to work on yourself so that if the times comes, you are both ready.

[Raven3321]

My son initially starting acting out when we separated 4 years ago. After counseling and lots of affirmation from mommy and daddy that we still loved him, it became better. Your boys will be OK. I think you said they were 7 if I'm not mistaken. That means they are just at the age when dad becomes their superhero and they want to be just like him. As long as they get sufficient time with your husband and he does lots of activities with them, they'll be fine. It's a process but they'll eventually be OK.

 

I know you're hoping against hope, but as some have said, it ain't over till it's over. Unless one of you marries again in the near future, it ain't over yet. Trust me.....if you read these boards long enough, you see stranger things have happened. I'll continue praying for a reconciliation as will others. Don't let guilt and condemnation eat you alive. What happened happened. The decisions you made last year, don't define your entire life. Forgive yourself. You won't be able to move on unless you do.

[tnimbus]

Hi Sofie

 

...it seems to come in waves..it gets better, then worse, then better. I hope it keeps getting better for you and your little ones. Others posted about the forgiving of ourselves as being the hardest part, I agree. We have to though, to move on..and moving forward, step by step, even when it's slogging through mire, is the only true way into the future.

[sidney2718]

It’s been awhile since I last posted so I thought I would give you an update I know a lot of you guys have been following everything and I have gotten some pm’s asking for an update.

 

Things have gotten better. Not much has happened since I last posted. I’m just trying to move on which is a lot harder. I’m still carrying a lot of guilt but it has gotten better with the time that has gone by. I mostly been focusing on my career again which has been going very well.

 

I wish I could say my boys are doing better but they aren’t. I think the whole divorce thing is really sunk in and they know mommy and daddy aren’t going to be together anymore. They stared acting and at point they stopped listening to me. Me and my Ex both talked to them together and made them realize we still loved them both very much that did help and we both decided to put them in counseling. I do have a good weekend planned for them. Most of my side of the family all chipped in and we rented a nice beach house in eastern long island for the weekend so that should be fun.

 

Sofie, I'm really glad to see this. I still hope that things will get better. And I think that counseling will help your boys.

 

We are still here for you, even if I'm a bit late signing in.

[HereNorThere]

I really hope you stay around and keep us updated. I know that posting on LS has helped you, but I hope you can stick around and help other people. You're a great example of someone who worked hard to become a better person for the right reasons. We all make bad judgements from time to time, but your life isn't over. You still have a chance to be a loving mother and role model for your children and eventually, I think you'll find love again. You're one of the few people I've seen on here truly make the right changes in your life after hurting your family. I would recommend ANYONE in a relationship read your thread, regardless of whether or not they have been touched by infidelity. I know my future relationships will be better based on what you have taught me.

 

Have you ever considered sending your ex husband a link to LS to read your post? I'm not saying you should, but it might be something to consider. Also, it may be something that could benefit your therapist, if they're interested in reading them as well.

 

All the best of luck to you and I think even the most hardened BS on here has empathy/sympathy for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I think we all hope to keep hearing from you!

[Sofie2013]

I really hope you stay around and keep us updated. I know that posting on LS has helped you, but I hope you can stick around and help other people. You're a great example of someone who worked hard to become a better person for the right reasons. We all make bad judgements from time to time, but your life isn't over. You still have a chance to be a loving mother and role model for your children and eventually, I think you'll find love again. You're one of the few people I've seen on here truly make the right changes in your life after hurting your family. I would recommend ANYONE in a relationship read your thread, regardless of whether or not they have been touched by infidelity. I know my future relationships will be better based on what you have taught me.

 

Have you ever considered sending your ex husband a link to LS to read your post? I'm not saying you should, but it might be something to consider. Also, it may be something that could benefit your therapist, if they're interested in reading them as well.

 

All the best of luck to you and I think even the most hardened BS on here has empathy/sympathy for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I think we all hope to keep hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

I will try keep you guys updated but everything is pretty done not much to do now. I don’t really like posting on other peoples thread. I don’t feel like I’m the kind of person you should give advice from. I do post on other threads but not much.

 

Being a great mother is what I am really striving to be. I want to be a person they can look up when they are older, like another parent. They have already been through enough with everything that has happened. I just want to give them the best possible life I can.

 

I have given my ex the link to this site and another one. I don’t really know if he read any of my threads. Even if he did read them it wouldn’t change anything. I don’t think my ex ever really need a site like this he seems to be doing fine, he really looks like he’s loving life right now. So I am happy for him. My therapist also knows about me posting here. She actually said he had a few other patients using site similar to this one and at times site like are better than counseling.

 

Sofie

[HereNorThere]

I will try keep you guys updated but everything is pretty done not much to do now. I don’t really like posting on other peoples thread. I don’t feel like I’m the kind of person you should give advice from. I do post on other threads but not much.

 

Being a great mother is what I am really striving to be. I want to be a person they can look up when they are older, like another parent. They have already been through enough with everything that has happened. I just want to give them the best possible life I can.

 

I have given my ex the link to this site and another one. I don’t really know if he read any of my threads. Even if he did read them it wouldn’t change anything. I don’t think my ex ever really need a site like this he seems to be doing fine, he really looks like he’s loving life right now. So I am happy for him. My therapist also knows about me posting here. She actually said he had a few other patients using site similar to this one and at times site like are better than counseling.

 

Sofie

 

 

Well, now you can start posting for dating advice. Maybe not just yet, but soon. Sorry you've been through so much, but keep taking care of yourself. You'll rebuild and you're better for it. I doubt you'll ever take true love for granted again.

 

You would be a great advice giver. So many WS justify here and make BS feel like betrayal is their fault. You're a great example of someone who had a better exH than AP and simply made a bad set of choices that were way more about you than exH. A lot of BS really need to hear that from someone who has been there.

[aliveagain]

I will try keep you guys updated but everything is pretty done not much to do now. I don’t really like posting on other peoples thread. I don’t feel like I’m the kind of person you should give advice from. I do post on other threads but not much.

Being a great mother is what I am really striving to be. I want to be a person they can look up when they are older, like another parent. They have already been through enough with everything that has happened. I just want to give them the best possible life I can.

 

I have given my ex the link to this site and another one. I don’t really know if he read any of my threads. Even if he did read them it wouldn’t change anything. I don’t think my ex ever really need a site like this he seems to be doing fine, he really looks like he’s loving life right now. So I am happy for him. My therapist also knows about me posting here. She actually said he had a few other patients using site similar to this one and at times site like are better than counseling.

 

Sofie

 

Actually Sofie, your experience may help many, specially those that are in a committed relationship but peruse other relationships without fear of discovery or fear of the damage that infidelity can cause those that they love. There is immense pain on both sides because of infidelity, no one wins. They need to hear it from someone that has gone through it.

 

Your soon to be ex husband may appear to be happy but that too is an illusion, he knows what he's loosing. He also see's how this is affecting your boys.

[atreides]

Sophie, how are things?

[sidney2718]

I will try keep you guys updated but everything is pretty done not much to do now. I don’t really like posting on other peoples thread. I don’t feel like I’m the kind of person you should give advice from. I do post on other threads but not much.

 

Being a great mother is what I am really striving to be. I want to be a person they can look up when they are older, like another parent. They have already been through enough with everything that has happened. I just want to give them the best possible life I can.

 

I have given my ex the link to this site and another one. I don’t really know if he read any of my threads. Even if he did read them it wouldn’t change anything. I don’t think my ex ever really need a site like this he seems to be doing fine, he really looks like he’s loving life right now. So I am happy for him. My therapist also knows about me posting here. She actually said he had a few other patients using site similar to this one and at times site like are better than counseling.

 

Sofie

 

I'm sorry you feel so down right now though I can understand that. You are a good mother, your care and regard for your children comes through on every post you make.

 

I suspect that what you need now is to try to increase your self-regard. I know you feel badly about what happened. That's history now and there is nothing you can do to remove the facts. But your children need to see a strong upstanding mother secure in her self. Because if she is not secure in herself, they don't feel safe around her.

 

And of course, feel free to vent here all you want.