I was Married to her Best friend!!!!!! YIKES!!!

[MassiveAtom]

OMG!!!!

 

I've been in shock for two days now.

 

I've discovered something that seems altogether eerie and incredibly insidious.

 

First, I wholly accept my negative input into my marriage, and I also appreciate my positive input.

 

In a healthy marriage, many things go wrong. You get hurt alot. You get angry alot. You forgive alot,.you do dumb sh|t, you make huge mistakes, and you keep moving forward.

 

This takes two very special people. I cite Mr. and Mrs. Moose as an example. .

 

But in my situation I've finally understood that I was married to yet another person. MY STBXs Best friend!

 

They most likely don't see it, can't see it and refuse to accept it. They've grown up together. MY Ex (enough already), would go to her before coming to me about difficulties in our marriage.

 

I got reasons for the split from my ex a couple days ago, and talked to the friend later that night. The reasons were exact. and the amount of acrimony the friend had for me was confusing. their relationship has always been lopsided with my ex showing signs of deference to the friend. Cutting this short, I see now that the problems I faced in relating to my ex were not because I couldn't get through to her, I was talking to her best friends sensibilities. It's more than the two of them being similar. They are literally enmeshed with each other.

 

My ex has actually said to me, "Men are babies." and this friend actually said to me, "Women are smarter than men in all situations" I find this troubling. BUt you know, I know there are women out there who AREN't this fvkked up!

 

like never before

 

MA.

[tiki]

My friend helped me to decide to divorce my ex-husband. He hated her from then on, I couldn't blame him. She kind of egged it on, since she was recently divorced. Then we went out and partied *together*.

[KANSAN]

Misery loves company.

The same happened to me only it was a cousin that was recently divorced.

I told myself that I would NEVER get involved with someone who is so easily influenced by anyone friend or family again.

Maby she'll snap out of it and come to her senses and tell you her feelings and not her friends and if not she did you a favor by not messing up the rest of your life.

[MassiveAtom]

But wait, The friend is not divorced. She's married and living in a crappy house with two kids and her husband. She BLAMES ME for having a job, as does my ex, she blames me for rehabbing the house, as does my ex, she blames me for my ex's unhappiness, as does my ex. and that the friend got so emotionally worked up when talking me leads me to believe that SHE was investing herself in my marriage!! I would never, EVER entertain the thought of even seeking advice from this person, because I always had a gut feeling about her that something was wrong. with her. Even when my ex made disparaging remarks about her, ONCE, I told that some people will give you their opinions but you don't have to take them to heart. SHe called her right then and apologized to the friend!! It's sick!!

 

She's a "Feminazi" who thinks that in all cases men are less capable than women. And my ex has just now picked up ALL of those traits.

 

I don't think it was a case of being egged on. I think it was a casein which the decision to divorce was not fully hers. I mean, I always apologized if I did something wrong, Learned from my mistakes, forgave hers, and looked to her as a confidant. Now I learn that EVERYTHING that I THOUGHT was private and safe with my wife WAS NOT!!!!

 

I've never been so insulted in all my life!! .

[Lil Honey]

Massive Atom:

 

Granted this "friend" should have stayed out of your business. I'm certainly not defending her at all. And I understand why you are angry with her. You should be and have a right to be.

 

Keep in mind though, that it was your wife's responsibility to keep communication open with you - before anyone else. Sure, us girls need another woman to talk to from time to time. Afterall we understand each other, the same way guys understand other guys. However, you should be her first priority. Making it work should be her first priority.

 

"The decision to divorce was not fully hers" is false. I doubt that she was brain-washed. No one "made" her divorce you. She could stop talking to this friend and work on the marriage. A person gets treated the way they allow others to treat them.

 

Both your wife and her friend were wrong in their behavior.

[rble618740]

DISCLAIMER: This post contains broad generalities. If you are offended by someone's acknowledgement of general differences between most men and most women, please do not read any more of this post. The author acknowledges that the information below is only her opinion (not fact, not even expert opinion), and that there are many, many exceptions to what she perceives as the general rule. She is simply hoping to offer a personal observation which might ease the pain of another reader (or even you, if you've gotten this far).

 

 

MA:

 

You're situation is a shame, but I don't think it's uncommon. As a woman, I have noticed that many women share only negative thoughts and feelings when they're together. In fact, I have had to make a conscious effort to choose friends who are upbeat so that I don't get sucked into someone else's perception of the world (including my world). I have gone to events with women friends where the whole conversation became a b***h session. I know a lot of women who spend most of their time together complaining. More applicable to your scenario though is the fact that I know a lot of women who live vicariously through their friends. They encourage their friends to do things they wish they had the strength to do themselves. For example, I know a woman whose marriage was not working out - but the way in which that played out in our circle of friends was constant advice for other women not to tolerate things from their husband/boyfriend, to leave their husband/boyfriend, to be more confrontation, etc. even if this advice was clearly not in the best interest of the woman to whom it was offered. Men may do this more than I know, but I have a feeling men just don't discuss their relationships with other men that much. Many people look to others for validation sometimes, and some women have a false sense of strength (thinking that strength is reflected by a low tolerance level or a high degree of inflexibility). I don't know where this comes from, but it may actually have some legitimate roots (historically). It's just extreme in some women - leaving no room for compromise (even when it would make her happier).

 

Your wife made a serious mistake by letting a third person have a negative impact on your marriage. It is hard to see sometimes, but your close friends and family will pick your side and want you to do whatever you need to so that you can get away from pain. But growth is painful, and it's good, and it's necessary in a marriage. That's why family and friend advice when it relates to your marriage is not always the best. In fact, everyone needs someone to talk to, but its best to make that someone a disinterested third party who can offer objective opinions and advice.

 

You know all this but...I just wanted to let you know - I think you're right to be upset with the friend's influence and your wife's involvement of the friend in your marital problems. I also think it's a terrible trap that lots of women fall into. Incidentally, men often do this through a different means - an affair. Just one woman's thoughts.

[lifeonhold]

I would venture to say that much of what was the catylist for my wife's decision to separate was reinforced, possibly even urged on by her friends and her sister, who is her closest friend. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about that. Here is what I came up with;

 

Friends and family members have their own agenda. It's usually not even a concious one on their part (to their defence). Friends and family do not want to see you in pain, it begins with best intentions. If my friend has a cut, I'm happy to get the band-aid ready. It hurts the friend to see the other in pain and sorrow. The friend looks and offers the quick-fix solution to mend the problem, unfortunately if that solution is to leave the man who is possibly the reason for her pain, the friend is not the best person to make that decision or offer that as a viable option. The friend does not know the complexity and details of the situation, the friend has likely heard a very lopsided, single perspective account of this pain and unhappiness. But it's a means to an end for that friend, especially if it means that now there will be more time to hang out and have fun, a new partner to go out with on weekends. Another person to share the trials of single life with, a renewed girlfriend who needs friends and support.

 

It's such a harmless prospect, to have a good friend to take advice from, and reveal things to that you can't discuss with anyone else. It can also be insidious and damaging if the advice is not for the long term best interests of the friend and the others involved, namely the SO and family.

 

For what it's worth.

 

I hope she realizes that this friend became a wedge between you two and that her friends advice and suggestions must be removed or at the least taken with a grain of salt if she is to ever be objective and realistic about your past and future. You didn't buy a second wedding ring for her friend.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by rble618740

>>>Snipples<<<<

Men may do this more than I know, but I have a feeling men just don't discuss their relationships with other men that much. Many people look to others for validation sometimes, and some women have a false sense of strength (thinking that strength is reflected by a low tolerance level or a high degree of inflexibility). I don't know where this comes from, but it may actually have some legitimate roots (historically). It's just extreme in some women - leaving no room for compromise (even when it would make her happier).

 

I loved the disclaimer by the way! RBLE, One thing is for certain, If ever there was a time that men don't talk about their relationships, that time has past. I have met, and talked on the phone with SO MANY guys who are smarting from the pain a woman has handed them, and with so many guys IN relationships who are clueless about what's going on with their S.O., that it makes my head spin sometimes. What's really cool is that when guys do talk, they point out the good stuff about their wives, and then wonder "what did I do to deserve this treatment?" or "...and I told her that I don't think I can live like this and she said..." It's mostly productive. I even told a friend of mine last night, boasting of "gettin some on the side" I said. "What!? What about " L" what about your kids!? Is it worth throwing it all away just to do that? Then I shut up and drove.

 

These days, guys talk about their emotions, their relationships, and their lives - with other guys all the time. That banter at the pool hall, or the bar is usually about affairs of the heart. And yes the occasional football game.

 

I think I've said before that we need to make a mold of you, find out what makes you tick like you do, and then make it required study for every woman in America.: )

 

I used to say, "No, I don't want compromise, I want to work toward consensus so we both win! There's too much loss in compromises." I still believe that there are ways to work a problem that leave both feeling fulfilled, honored and loved. But one person can't make that happen. And that Inflexibility you spoke of is painfully evident in my situation.

 

Your wife made a serious mistake by letting a third person have a negative impact on your marriage. It is hard to see sometimes, but your close friends and family will pick your side and want you to do whatever you need to so that you can get away from pain. But growth is painful, and it's good, and it's necessary in a marriage. That's why family and friend advice when it relates to your marriage is not always the best. In fact, everyone needs someone to talk to, but its best to make that someone a disinterested third party who can offer objective opinions and advice.

 

You know all this but...I just wanted to let you know - I think you're right to be upset with the friend's influence and your wife's involvement of the friend in your marital problems. I also think it's a terrible trap that lots of women fall into. Incidentally, men often do this through a different means - an affair. Just one woman's thoughts.

 

I was in shock.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I know I acted in less than positive ways sometimes, as did she. I always forgave her and worked to forgive myself. Even for the big stuff. Even for this. I can't carry that resentment forward or it'll kill me. This revelation, this reason was what I needed, to finally understand the true dispair my ex was feeling. I was an affront to her other half! I finally have some solid reason that I can point to, that explains why my wife always seemed to be literally a different person sometimes. now I can point to a factor that wholly mitigated the possibility of my marriage succeeding, now I can understand even more deeply the betrayal of outside influence on a marriage. And yet again, it was another woman.

 

Now that brings up some stuff for therapy........

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by lifeonhold

I hope she realizes that this friend became a wedge between you two and that her friends advice and suggestions must be removed or at the least taken with a grain of salt if she is to ever be objective and realistic about your past and future. You didn't buy a second wedding ring for her friend.

 

Mighty big of you LOH.

 

You know what? I'll be perfectly honest.

 

I hope she never realizes it. LOL!

 

"My, my, Mr. MA how bitter you've become."

 

 

like never before

 

MA

[Devildog]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

You know what? I'll be perfectly honest.

 

I hope she never realizes it. LOL!

 

"My, my, Mr. MA how bitter you've become."

 

 

like never before

 

MA

 

MA, I know just how you feel there. I hope my STBXW never realizes her mistakes and bad choices.

 

I know the situation with my friends is that we never get involved with each other's relationships. I know my best friend after this happened had a few choice words about my STBX and couldn't believe I put up with the things I did. But to be fair when he was dating the hag before his current fiance, I bit my tongue until they broke up, then I told him how much better off he was without her and pointed out all the things the rest of us saw and thought.

[cnt2infinity]

When ether something happens like this BLAME is always involved. No one looks at the reasons why someone acted in the way that did. Maybe it was not that persons fault in the first place. In my case I acted like a jerk because I moved to a different country leaving my family behind. My wife assumed I was fine with this and never got homesick in any way. Can you picture yourself in a different country trying to start YOUR life as well as work on your marriage. A simple 'are you happy' or 'do you miss home' or 'you will be okay' would have prevented my so-Cal abuse that built up in me. Support is what I needed but I feel as if I didnt get it. Another example is that I am shy but I was BLAMED for being anti-social!. It takes time to look at the root of the problem. And it needs to be looked at and not judged.

[MassiveAtom]

It's also revealing that my ex is defining who I am without honoring my word and deed. Sometimes I think she is from an entirely different reality.

 

Every reason she gave me started with "you."

 

BUT she says she takes responsibility for HER role. Which she never does. Every reason then would start with "I."

 

I remember our conversations and arguments. I would say "Look, I don't think I know how to handle this situation. What's wrong with you helping me do it?"

Her response, "You ALWAYS have such a tough time with everything, it's always so hard for you, I think you get stuck in the process."

"You're right. Life is complicated, especiually if you want to look at all the details and be fully informed about things. I do make progress though, and I learn everyday" I'd say.

"It shouldn't be that involved." she'd snap back.

"Honey, why are you being so judgemental of me? I'm asking for help with this, could you please just gimme a hand?." I would entreat.

"If I can't help you, and you keep asking you're just pissing me off." which would then trigger my issues with emotional availability.

 

It would go on and on like this, Just talk to me would you?

 

But in talking to this friend of hers, I saw the unbelievable level of similarity. The identical Narcissistic streaks, the same thought process, and Ideology, which WASN't part of the deal.

 

I had clearly asked for a secure and private relationship, in which I could feel confidant that what I shared with her would not be shared elsewhere.

 

It's just rude!

 

Yes I would become assertive, yes I got angry at times, Yes I would brood and take personal time so I could return with an open mind.

 

What did my ex do? Not much.