Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) About 4weeks ago I found an email with a password on my boyfriends computer. It didn't make since that he would have his name spelled incorrectly on an email I wasn't aware of. I copy the info and went home and logged in. What I found was mind blowing ads posting on craigslist stating he's a Top and looking for a bottom (m4m) & (t4m)and also that he was looking for a host. Didn't understand what it meant so I looked it up:( .... What I found was devastating there were meet up times and phone number exchanges to do sexual acts. He would log on on days I wouldn't be around. Just recently I called one of the numbers and it was a gay guy and I asked him did he just saw my boyfriend? He stated YES! I asked him all sorts of questions and he was willing to answer! He describe him to the tee and replied my boyfriend kept mentioning he's on the DL... Don't need to go any further... Feeling VERY CONFUSED! We talked about marriage, family etc. up until now he is not aware that I know all this information. Needing help on what to do:( Edited April 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Craft81 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 RUN! RUN and never look back. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 He's cheating on you. What else is there to do?? Break up with him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Why are you confused? Do you want to start a family with a man who may very well bring AIDS into your life? He is lying and cheating on you and threatening your life. You have verified that he is cheating and having gay sex. You don't know if he is using protection and could be jeopardizing your ability to have children. Look, I'm a woman who found my husband cheating on me with other men 25+ years ago and I had to get tested for AIDS every six months for ten years. My divorce was devastating. Be thankful you found out before you got married and had children. He is living a double life and you don't need to enable him in it by staying with him. Expose him and leave. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Any boyfriend/girlfriend with a hidden account on craigslist isn't isn't marriage material. The man uses other men's buttocks for his gratification, RUN. Don't look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Feeling VERY CONFUSED! We talked about marriage, family etc. up until now he is not aware that I know all this information. Needing help on what to do:( What to do?! Who cares if he talked about marriage and family! That means absolutely nothing at this point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 What is so confusing about ending the relationship immediately and getting yourself a full STI and HIV test? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 I hinted to him that I'm aware of him being on Craigslist. I didn't go into details and explain thoroughly in what I know. However, just by me hinting he went ballistic stating he never heard of anything like that" he doesn't even know how it works" LIES LIES LIES. The day after I hinted he cancelled the secret email. HOWEVER, I screen shot ALL THE POST before the cancellation! Even with the email cancellation notice being sent to he's legit email address. I screen shot that also. I'm tired of hinting! And being indirect!!! Honestly I was fearful, and embarrassed to say "I went through your computer that's how I found the secret email" but realizing my safety is what's more important! I'm a bit in Denial and devastated. I'm feeling low! HOW DO I PRESENT THIS TO HIM! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 he went ballistic stating he never heard of anything like that" he doesn't even know how it works" LIES LIES LIES. That is known as "gas lighting." Google it and understand the psychology behind it. You have a screen shot? You can present it to him by moving out and leaving the screen shot that your relationship is over and to not contact you. Just leave and tell him you don't see a future with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 You say, "Boyfriend, this is what I gathered from your secret email account." Then head out. Why are you so afraid? He's just betrayed your trust on every level and you are afraid of him bashing you about going into his email account???? And does it matter?? Unless you plan on staying with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 In all honesty, what is the point in confronting him any further? You know for a FACT that he's a cheater, liar, fornicator and who knows what else. Do you still want to marry him?? What will getting him to own up to his actions bring you? Unfortunately, this isn't that unusual (I've heard plenty of stories like this). There is no changing him and no amount of proof is going turn back the clock. The damage is done. You deserve better. So much better. I know this is a devastating betrayal of trust and love and I'm sincerely sorry. At the same time, stop obsessing about it. It only person getting hurt is you because it robs you from making peace with things and moving on. This chapter of your life with him, is close sweetie. Grieve and do what you need to do to get through it but please stop torturing yourself. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 You have all you need. Your not married, start looking for a new place, book a mover. It no longer matters what he says, you can never give him what he is looking for from men. He just lied to your face, nothing else is required for you to end his charade. When you know the movers are on their way tell him you know everything and give him copies of the truth if you need to. You just saved your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 You say, "Boyfriend, this is what I gathered from your secret email account." Then head out. Why are you so afraid? He's just betrayed your trust on every level and you are afraid of him bashing you about going into his email account???? And does it matter?? Unless you plan on staying with him? No,I guess it shouldn't matter!! And also, I Do not plan on staying with him!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 In all honesty, what is the point in confronting him any further? You know for a FACT that he's a cheater, liar, fornicator and who knows what else. Do you still want to marry him?? What will getting him to own up to his actions bring you? Unfortunately, this isn't that unusual (I've heard plenty of stories like this). There is no changing him and no amount of proof is going turn back the clock. The damage is done. You deserve better. So much better. I know this is a devastating betrayal of trust and love and I'm sincerely sorry. At the same time, stop obsessing about it. It only person getting hurt is you because it robs you from making peace with things and moving on. This chapter of your life with him, is close sweetie. Grieve and do what you need to do to get through it but please stop torturing yourself. Good luck! Yes I agree, I understand that there isn't any changing him, and I don't want to by far! I just feel I need to know the reason he has done this to me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It's just prostitutes on there. Get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Thank you everyone! Lastly what I didn't mention he's a man of the cloth! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Any boyfriend/girlfriend with a hidden account on craigslist isn't isn't marriage material. The man uses other men's buttocks for his gratification, RUN. Don't look back. I agree with you 100% Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Why are you confused? Do you want to start a family with a man who may very well bring AIDS into your life? He is lying and cheating on you and threatening your life. You have verified that he is cheating and having gay sex. You don't know if he is using protection and could be jeopardizing your ability to have children. Look, I'm a woman who found my husband cheating on me with other men 25+ years ago and I had to get tested for AIDS every six months for ten years. My divorce was devastating. Be thankful you found out before you got married and had children. He is living a double life and you don't need to enable him in it by staying with him. Expose him and leave. The confusion part is he's a man of the cloth, I never would have imagine such actions! Affairs with women not acceptable but when you meet and find men on Craigslist is devastating! Yes, I'm very thankful I found out when I did! I just feel frozen:( Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I just feel I need to know the reason he has done this to me! It will take you a LONG time - and probably lots of therapy - to understand that what was done was not done to you! Honestly, it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. It is simply his base, sexual desire that compels him to act this way. As the ex-wife of a man who was secretly having sex with men, I can assure you that your BF's relationship with you is probably is attempt to grasp at a "normal" lifestyle. The fact that he is a "man of the cloth" is even more reason he probably believes he has to keep these desires a secret. When I found my husband having gay affairs, my immediate thought was that I wasn't woman enough for him, that I didn't satisfy him enough, and that there was something wrong with me. In fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) He's in the closet. You'll never get the details from him about what happened. He seems like the sort who would rather die than out himself as gay or bisexual. Ignore him completely. Look after yourself. It's very important that you test yourself for HIV once initially and then a second time several months later. Talk to your doctor about it and also ask if they offer referrals for counseling. Dan Savage will tell you that men who are in the closet engage the riskiest forms of sex. These are the sort people who frequent things like dogging sites or glory holes alongside anonymous sex through sites similar craiglist. You don't need his opinion to validate what you already know. Do not allow him to endanger your life. Edited April 10, 2014 by ThatMan phone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blessed30 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 It will take you a LONG time - and probably lots of therapy - to understand that what was done was not done to you! Honestly, it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. It is simply his base, sexual desire that compels him to act this way. As the ex-wife of a man who was secretly having sex with men, I can assure you that your BF's relationship with you is probably is attempt to grasp at a "normal" lifestyle. The fact that he is a "man of the cloth" is even more reason he probably believes he has to keep these desires a secret. When I found my husband having gay affairs, my immediate thought was that I wasn't woman enough for him, that I didn't satisfy him enough, and that there was something wrong with me. In fact, nothing could have been further from the truth. May I ask, how did you tell him you knew about his secret life, also how did he respond? Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Blessed30, This is just all kinds of ****ed up. Please please please take care of yourself and get this guy out of your life forever. Please. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 May I ask, how did you tell him you knew about his secret life, also how did he respond? Why are you so afraid of him? Move out, leave the copy of the Craigslist post with a note that says, please respect my wishes and leave me alone. Seek counseling for your identity crisis. This is so dysfunctional and dangerous that you don't need to tell him anything. You need to get checked ASAP and let your family know what he as done so they can support you. Good luck, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 May I ask, how did you tell him you knew about his secret life, also how did he respond? I caught the flu and came home early from work, finding my husband <ahem> in the act on our living room floor. There was no way he could deny what he was doing and I have a mental image that can never be erased. Of course he responded that it wasn't what it looked like and immediately knew that was not the right thing to say. Question for you: why haven't you left yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Thank you everyone! Lastly what I didn't mention he's a man of the cloth! Out him to his church. You can say one thing about lying to an individual, you. He is making his whole life a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
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