Did my friend manipulate me into bed???

[Cpinkwolf]

A guy I met at uni spent months belittling my relationship, being there every time there was an argument, calling my boyfriend names and saying he wants what's best for me and that isn't my boyfriend, he made me feel like he was just a friend and that he really cared about me. He manipulated me on several occasions over 6 months making me feel like my relationship was worthless and he played on the fact that my partner lives 96 miles away as I moved across country for university. He waited until I was particularly drunk and vulnerable from a recent argument in my relationship and kissed me on the way home. The next day he convinced me that i kissed him first and that I must have wanted it, making me feel terrible for my boyfriend. I chose not to tell my boyfriend as it was a drunk mistake and I couldn't remember it properly so I had no idea if I had wanted the kiss or not, this lead to weeks of guilt.

 

My 'friends' manipulative techniques changed after the kiss, he started going through periods of sitting in the common room watching tv with me all night when I was lonely and couldn't sleep, just acting like a friend, no flirting, nothing to ignoring me for weeks on end making me feel suddenly lonely and confused.

 

Finally after all those months of manipulation he choose a night I was particularly drunk (still able to verbally consent but not of sound mind or fully able to consider that i may have been manipulated) to make a move. We ended up sort of sleeping together, I say sort of because half way through i started to significantly sober up and realise exactly what I was doing to my relationship and a massive wave of guilt washed over me. Next thing im sobbing and pushing him away. He continued to manipulate the situation by spending the rest of the night reassuring me that I'm a good person and he somehow managed to convince me not to tell my boyfriend what happened, saying things like you will lose him, I don't want your relationship to get messed up and it's his fault for not treating you better.

 

He then stopped talking to me all together for two months just to make me feel even more **** and like a horrible person. I spent weeks with horrendous guilt, this multiplied when my grandfather died and my boyfriend was there for me. Suddenly after 6 weeks of not a word from my 'friend' he starts talking to me again making me feel like him not speaking to me was my fault. Over the next few weeks he went between talking and not talking to me as I had started to refuse further advances from him which annoyed him. Then during a Skype call he asked me repeatedly to get undressed which of course I refused, this pissed him off. After this call i realised how sleazy he is and decided to cut ties on my own terms, deleting his number and telling him to leave me alone, he had blamed it on being drunk but he was stone cold sober, this is what made me consider the fact that he might have been manipulating me for a while to get away with treating me a certain way.

 

Now here's the issue im facing. My relationship is getting more serious by the day, looking towards moving in together and engagement. I've decided to drop out of university and move back home to work on being with him. I truly love my boyfriend and am full of the strongest self hatred possible at what I have done to him.

 

So do I tell him what happened? This could end in me losing someone I want to spend my life with.

 

Is this all my fault, am I just a stupid slut, or was I manipulated into sex and if I was does that even change anything, or would he still leave me if I told him? Please help me!!!

[CarrieT]

So do I tell him what happened? This could end in me losing someone I want to spend my life with.

Of course you tell him. Read through this site and find the threads of spouses learning their fiancés cheated before marriage and how hurt they are and how it might have changed their decisions.

 

Be honest and tell him exactly what happened - before you move.

[Chocolat]

Yes, tell your bf. And quit drinking if you are unable to make good decisions when you drink. Alternately, don't blame poor decisions on drink.

[Toddbt12y1]

It is both his and your fault. You should have tossed this punk out of your life the moment he kissed you. Which may have prevented this. He is a jerk, for taking advantage of you. Still, if you could consent, you could say "no". I give you were more likely impaired badly.

 

Slut? No. You just did something stupid. Stupid, bad. You felt guilt. That is a start. Now you feel fear.

 

You want to leave school? Don't. Fulfill your life, so you do not have regrets in the future.

 

(Maybe you could switch to another University, closer to him??)

 

Should you tell him? Yup. Think, would you want the person you love, to withhold this from you? To go through the rest of your life, with this person, under a lie? It will hurt, may even end you two. But, he has a right to make a choice, for his own life. Whether he can forgive you or not.

 

He may forgive.

 

Tell him.

[somedude81]

This thread is the perfect example of why I wouldn't want my girlfriend drinking with her guy friends.

 

Cpinkwolf

 

You have to tell your boyfriend what happened. Tell him that you screwed up and that you are deeply sorry.

 

You also need to be very careful with your alcohol. It seems to be an enabler for you, so you need to be aware of that.

[Cpinkwolf]

Yes, tell your bf. And quit drinking if you are unable to make good decisions when you drink. Alternately, don't blame poor decisions on drink.

 

I'm not blaming a poor decision on drink, but it is a fact that if this guy hadn't been playing me for six months and I'd been sober it would never have happened.

[Cpinkwolf]

It is both his and your fault. You should have tossed this punk out of your life the moment he kissed you. Which may have prevented this. He is a jerk, for taking advantage of you. Still, if you could consent, you could say "no". I give you were more likely impaired badly.

 

Slut? No. You just did something stupid. Stupid, bad. You felt guilt. That is a start. Now you feel fear.

 

You want to leave school? Don't. Fulfill your life, so you do not have regrets in the future.

 

(Maybe you could switch to another University, closer to him??)

 

Should you tell him? Yup. Think, would you want the person you love, to withhold this from you? To go through the rest of your life, with this person, under a lie? It will hurt, may even end you two. But, he has a right to make a choice, for his own life. Whether he can forgive you or not.

 

He may forgive.

 

Tell him.

 

I'm currently trying to get into a school closer to home, I'm completely miserable at the school I'm at, I feel lonely and I don't want to be near this guy for another 3 years. I feel like I should be at home with the people I love especially after my grandad died.

 

I know you're right, I live him so much and I can't imagine a life without him but what's done is done, I shouldn't ruin his future just because I'm too scared to admit what I've done.

 

Thanks x

[Zahara]

He waited until I was particularly drunk and vulnerable from a recent argument in my relationship and kissed me on the way home. The next day he convinced me that i kissed him first and that I must have wanted it, making me feel terrible for my boyfriend. I chose not to tell my boyfriend as it was a drunk mistake and I couldn't remember it properly so I had no idea if I had wanted the kiss or not, this lead to weeks of guilt.

 

So, after that episode, realizing it was a mistake and dealing with weeks of guilt, you then put yourself in another drunken situation with him and that leads to sex.

 

Don't blame the drink. Don't blame the guy. You made poor decisions. Take accountability for your own choices.

 

And tell your boyfriend before you make the move.

[Chocolat]

I'm not blaming a poor decision on drink, but it is a fact that if this guy hadn't been playing me for six months and I'd been sober it would never have happened.

 

Read what you posted. You are blaming your actions on drink.

 

You already kissed this guy and, by your own admission, were so drunk that you don't know whether he or you initiated the kiss.

 

In spite of this, you chose to get drunk again around someone you claim is manipulative. Now you want to lay the blame for your cheating anywhere but on you.

 

Your bf deserves to know and to be able to make his own decision about whether he can forgive your cheating or not.

[Cpinkwolf]

So, after that episode, realizing it was a mistake and dealing with weeks of guilt, you then put yourself in another drunken situation with him and that leads to sex.

 

Don't blame the drink. Don't blame the guy. You made poor decisions. Take accountability for your own choices.

 

And tell your boyfriend before you make the move.

 

Well maybe I'm naive but he assured me after the first situation that he wasn't interested in me, and I chose to believe that and stay friends with him.

[Chocolat]

Well maybe I'm naive but he assured me after the first situation that he wasn't interested in me, and I chose to believe that and stay friends with him.

 

This is besides the point.

 

The point is that the only person responsible for what YOU do with YOUR body is YOU.

 

You CHOSE to sleep with this guy.

 

You seem to be posting because you want validation for the false notion that your sleeping with this guy is not your fault. I don't think anyone here is going to buy it and I definitely don't think your bf will.

[Zahara]

Well maybe I'm naive but he assured me after the first situation that he wasn't interested in me, and I chose to believe that and stay friends with him.

 

Stop it. You're not naive. You're having a difficult time taking accountability for your own actions.

 

Even if he wasn't interested, you stated it was a mistake and that you were riddled with guilt. Then YOU chose AGAIN to put YOURSELF in a drunken situation with him, which YOU KNEW would possibly end up going down a bad path. And YOU chose to have sex. YOU didn't have to put yourself in that situation. It's not about him or the drink.

 

You're trying to justify this every which way possible to avoid your guilt and avoid being accountable.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Zahara

[Tressugar]

You seem confused or at best unsure of your relationship...not knowing what (who) you want.

[Woggle]

You chose to cheat on your BF. Your friend might be a player but you made that choice. Don't blame him.

[Colton]

Your friend is a piece of s*** for playing on your emotions but YOU'RE not dumb, YOU chose to cheat. Grow a spine and tell your bf. He deserves better than you.

[Spectre]

It honestly sounds like you are looking for someone to blame. I mean, make no mistake about it..this male friend of yours is complete trash, but at the end of the day you are a big girl and you made these choices.

 

See, if you truly loved your boyfriend? It wouldn't matter what some other guy says to you about him. You wouldn't be kissing other dudes, etc. You asked if you were stupid..well, no. But the slutty part yeah I kind of agree with. You boned another dude for no good reason, alcohol is never an excuse. You then try to say you want to spend your life with the guy you cheated on. Here is the thing: if you wanted to spend your life with this man then you would not of slept with someone else while in a relationship with him.

 

Tell your boyfriend the truth so he can dump you and find someone who won't do this to him.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Spectre

[ThatMan]

I'm not blaming a poor decision on drink, but it is a fact that if this guy hadn't been playing me for six months and I'd been sober it would never have happened.

You're blaming everybody else but yourself for your own willful decisions.

Period.

[ja123]

I'm not blaming a poor decision on drink, but it is a fact that if this guy hadn't been playing me for six months and I'd been sober it would never have happened.

 

 

 

 

 

Listen, you should never have shared your personal relationship problems with a straight potential-contender guy. Nor should you have allowed him to talk badly about your boyfriend.

 

 

If you're having relationship problems talk to a female friend, or even better a school counsellor.

[chucksagent]

This is why "getting drunk with guy friends" is so damn stupid. You are ASKING for trouble. Men are hunters. Bottom line. And the weak men who come on here and say "I just really want to be friends with girls" are either homosexual (nothing wrong with it), have social issues/awkwardness, have issues from childhood, or don't like competing with other men. Because men LIKE to spend time with people they have stuff in common with - OTHER MEN.

 

Now, as with EVERY rule, there are exceptions. So if you like being friends with women, and you don't fall into one of the aforementioned categories, save your breath and don't come on here and attack me because I am admitting EXCEPTIONS DO EXIST.

 

However, in life, intelligent people don't base their decisions on "exceptions." They base their decisions on "Majority of the time." So if you (or anyone) truly loves their boyfriend, getting drunk around dudes is a crappy way to show it. Make the right choices, not the easy/fun ones.

[atlg8r]

Well maybe I'm naive but he assured me after the first situation that he wasn't interested in me, and I chose to believe that and stay friends with him.

 

Lesson to learn: actions speak louder than words.

[Salvatore85]

Manipulated you? You had a choice to make and you made the wrong one. He didn't force you to sleep with him, you chose too. You knew what he wanted and continued putting yourself in that situation. It wasn't the alcohol or him, it was you.

[Standard-Fare]

Agree with the others that you're really trying to deflect all blame here. Bottom line, if you truly felt this guy was toxic you should have cut ties with him a long time ago. It sounds like you were fully aware he had a crush on you and played lots of hot/cold games with him. And put yourself in some slippery spots.

 

Then you also got mad at him for the times he withdrew and left you alone -- when supposedly that should have been exactly what you wanted him to do.

 

I do think if you're as serious with your BF as you make it sound, you should tell him. No one here is going to have any control over how you frame that, but my guess is you'll portray the situation exactly as you have here -- outside of your control, the result of manipulation. Whether your BF buys that, who knows.

 

The thing that concerns me is your line about dropping out of university to pursue this relationship. That is definitely not a good idea. How much more time do you have in school? What are your plans for employment or future study?

[hoping2heal]

You do share some of the responsibility yes, and I think the real killer here is that you chose to lie to your boyfriend instead of come clean. That douchebag convinced you not to tell your boyfriend about the kiss because he knew what would happen. Your boyfriend would probably make you wise to this guys ways.

 

I think you need to start by telling your boyfriend everything you have told us. Then maybe, you two can start working on the damage.

 

As a rule of thumb, I NEVER allow bad mouthing of my DB (dearly beloved). There's no reason to bad mouth him so if a "friend" starts, I assume there's ill intentions behind it. So in future situations, the minute some guy starts bad mouthing someone you claim to love your alarm bells should be going off.

 

You seem incredibly naive.

Edited April 15, 2014 by hoping2heal